Steve

I’m loving Aldous’s flowery language, especially since he’s addressing a 7 year old, funny. The visual of him sporting the monocle on his one good eye and peering at the drawing was well written too. Suggests a creeping weirdness about him.

ALDOUS
I find a good story to settle a
restless mind.

- Seems like you are missing a word here, maybe change “to settle” to “settles”

ALDOUS
It’s the very same that was told
to me this night so long ago.
Perhaps one day you’ll tell it to
another.

- Missing “one” after “same”

ALDOUS
I fear the answer to be found in
that which lies without.

- Missing “is” after “answer”

Not so sure about this, I was left wishing it had more meat on the bone, more to sink our teeth into (ok, no more eating metaphors). The writing is very assured, the dialogue carefully written but the story lacked punch as far as I could glean from it.

We basically have a creepy old man running a boarding school (a seemingly very small one at that) who tells a scary tale (essentially a condensed origin story ) which has mood and foreboding but not much happens except the kid in question follows a bunch of other kids into a clearing where they are set upon my unnamed monsters for no apparent reason though we can assume that there are from the “other world” coming to claim souls on All Hallows Eve but this is more because of the nature of this OWC than any clarity in the story itself.

Also, it should noted that there is be no way for the audience to discern that this is a boarding school since its all interior scenes. We, the reader, only know because it’s in the slugline. Otherwise it looks like some kind of orphanage or Aldous is keeping these kids against their will, impossible to tell really. Of course, an establishing shot at the beginning would remedy this.

I can appreciate some vagueness, leaving it open to interpretation and I liked the tone and latent atmosphere created by attention to detail and background sounds but the whole thing did feel rather slight and half told.

How did the kids get into Aldous’s care in the first place? What is the significance of the drawings, the reflection in the spoon at the end? Does Aldous tell this story to all these kids and what are the implications of bearing witness to it? He is an agent of the devil, harvesting these young souls for his master? Does it mean that they are forever strapped in this boarding school like some kind of childhood nether world? Do they pass vicariously into this realm during their dream sequence by virtue of hearing it? Something along the lines of “The Ring” and the fate awaiting those who view the videotape.

Anyway, as I said, I enjoyed the writing and the unnervingly suave manner of Aldous but felt the narrative fell short…or perhaps I just didn’t grasp its subtleties.

Col.

Col,

thanks for your considered notes.  Don’t recall seeing your name on the entry list (unless I missed something) so hell of a thing to be giving your time to review each entry just for the sake of it -- much appreciated.  

Something really disconnected here with the clarity -- too much time spent on the dialogue parameters and not enough tying the story together for a cleaner, more conclusive ending.  The dialogue was intentional -- that’s kind of how I saw him speaking, something of a eccentric/old english.  The kids’ drawings were Aldous’ way of identifying those children suffering from nightmares as they’d be more susceptible to his trap -- the execution needs work here.

To be honest I never really got further than the initial scenario as to what occurs at the school after these children return from the ‘otherworld’.  The way I saw it was basically a door to a nightmare world allowing these demons through to wreak havoc on the ‘awake’ as it were.  Little rhyme or reason -- much like a nightmare in itself.  One I’m considering coming back to.

Many thanks again,

Steve.