Justice at Sundown by Betsy Ross - Short, Horror - A man wakes up, tied to a chair in a greenhouse on Halloween. With only a strange man to keep him company and even stranger things happening outside. (NC17) - pdf, format

Code OVER BLACK The sound of duct tape being unraveled and torn. FADE IN:

I'm really big on utilising sound in film. We all know that sound and it could mean almost anything... nice intro, IMO.

Code A photograph is held against a sheet of glass and secured to it with a single piece of tape. It’s a picture of two women, early twenties, a huge smile on each of their faces. They wear academic gowns and hats.

Ah, but right away I notice some novice errors. I don't mean that to sound insulting, which is why I selected novice over amateur. At the same time I don't want to spoil things with a technical review, so I'll read straight through your story.

Code Colin studies the article. The title reads ‘Suspected “Stitch and Hitch Killer” Walks Free’.

Very clever.

Could ofs aside, I feel I have to point this one out as it is in action:

Code Colin slowly turns his head forward.

You don't need to mention every little movement. You could forget he needing to move his head forward and go straight to the next action block and describe what he is seeing.

Code The terror only builds at what he sees next.

This is bad form. Never tell the reader what they should be feeling next.

Weird tale. I get the impression it is written by a new writer. Some work to do in terms of story and technical skill. If you resubmit it as a short after the contest (the prize is a mug) I'll provide a technical review and some story pointers.

This one had a "SAW" vibe to it.  Some decent tension in there. I think if Colin's dialog was beefed up a bit it would have made it more dimensional. He says "you don't have to do this" twice. Why not have him say something else? Give us some insight into who he is.

The revenge part comes in a little late. I think this would be way more suspenseful if it were shortened. Just my opinion.

Creepy entry for this OWC.

This is one of those that the lack of dialogue seems to really show

Not sure why Dennis is kept secret for a while only to be revealled. Didn't seem to serve much of a purpose

He also does walk in and out a few times and the lack of words does jar - this is quite common in this OWC

Halloween seems very low down the criteria in this one and the ability to connect both ways with the other world doesn't seem to play.

The greenhouse was an Unsual setting and I liked it. I had a sense that we were going to see revenge for someone who 'throws stones' - IE don't in a greenhouse. But that didn't seem to follow.

Needs a bit of work but I do like the revenge in a greenhouse route.

I was a bit lost at the start as the writer didn't intro the man until page three. At first I thought they were being clever and we could only see the hands. Sadly, they weren't. They needed to say his face stays off camera, or is hidden from view. That would have done it.

The actual writing does need work, and definitely some pruning, but the basic plot is alright.

R

Favorite title so far I think. And when I open and check page count, you already got a smile on my face. Does anyone else scroll down to see how many pages before they start reading??

Starts off with a Dexter feel to it with the photographs and duct tape(and I"m a Dex fan).

Ok this was an enjoyable story. I think it should be shortened some or at least some of the action descriptions trimmed down. The dialogue could use some work but overall good story.

"A photograph is held against a sheet of glass and secured to
it with a single piece of tape.", the writing feels off, very technical, doesn't flow right, not much of a rule following guy myself but try and avoid 'is', you use it a lot.

Coming back to the writing... It doesn't seem to get better. "The sound of duct tape being unraveled and torn continues." Latter parter redundant... And such. I'll let Jeff or something else handle it.

Cap the man.

Truck? Might've missed it. Did a little search, you put it in there a few times, hmmm. Maybe that's what I mean where the writing begins overshadowing details like these. Or maybe I hit my head earlier in the day and forgot.

Take away Colin's cliche dialogue, "Don't do this" "Please" "I'll do anything". Be original, or say nothing.

Introduce my mate Dennis from the get go. It's awkward so far in.

"Dennis stands in the doorway, a sinister grin
upon his face." I assume he killed his family, so he's probably even crazier if he's smiling. Then again, he's got somebody tied to a chair in a green house...

Page 4, might know who wrote this.

"Colin moves his tongue around in his mouth like he’s picking
the last remains of Christmas dinner from his teeth." lol

Well, that was, ahem, strange. My good mate Colin's a bit of a douche, so don't make him the protagonist, which I don't think was your intention but it came off like it. Dennis ain't too much better either, nothing new to him, maybe if he spoke for the rewrite, it'd work. I'd personally swap the two around, take away all that fat, and most importantly, get to the real story with the horror elements way earlier. It just makes you raise your eyebrow unless the tone is set out from page one. Not for me, I'm afraid.

I liked the ending with Dennis, Juliene and Emily standing in front of Colin, waiting to get him.

I also liked that this was only 6 pages, but I think it felt like more because you shoved in a lot of description. This made it feel like it should have been shorter, but was intentionally added to reach the page length. ??

IMO, maybe you could add a couple of scenes at the start to intro the horror aspect showing a couple of the murders and maybe some newspaper headlines, all without dialogue of course, this just might of spruced things up a bit.

Have to say that I didn't really get how the otherworld opened to the real world or what the balloon with the grinning pumpkin was about, but maybe that's just me.

I also didn't understand why the man kept going out to his truck. It intrigued me at first, but then I never got an answer to it other than to pass time - unless again this is just me. Maybe a reread is in order.

Non the less, with work, this could come together nicely. Good effort.

A couple of suggestions. Feel free to use or discard.

You seem to use 'of' erroneously instead of 'have' - a lot. For example it should be:
I would have loved to have made her watch
'have been erected' etc.

I'd go for 'pot plant' over 'plant pot' jmh.

No need for all those CONT'D's. - you can remove them in your screenwriting software - except of course where dialogue flows onto the next page.

For a moment I thought who's DENNIS?? - then copped on this is the MAN referred to at the top of the script - needs an intro.

STITCH AND HITCH KILLER - has a certain ring to it.

A VAST amount of blood? Bit iffy in my opinion.

A balloon with a grinning pumpkin on glides across the grass.
The line above should be worded better.

A 'grinning pumpkin' ballon glides across the grass would work at a pinch.

pleas
or pleading for his life

You've got a nice, if not totally original feeling script here. You ramped up the tension well and I could picture the visuals easily.  I do think this read more as supernatural horror than horror/fantasy - couldn't really see the fantasy element and I'm not entirely sure where the portal was...

This was enjoyable - especially the first two-thirds. Ending was a little anti-climactic and I was left wondering if you could perhaps come up with something a little less predictable. Like I said though, twas enjoyable.

Quoted from Pale Yellow Does anyone else scroll down to see how many pages before they start reading?

No. In my software I need only look to the top left and it tells me the page count right off.

I like how you turned the tables on us regarding who's the bad guy. The image of stitched-up mouths is frightening (though it seems familiar, for some reason).

The delayed intro of Dennis by name seems awkward.

Not sure why Dennis brings in a  dining table -- just to put the briefcase on? And how did Dennis even get the briefcase? Or am I mixed up. The mind begins to swirl while  reading (and rereading) all these scripts.

The photographs being taped gave Colin a guilty connotation from the start. Very Dexterish. When Dennis was prompted by his watch to hurry, it seemed out of character or tone.

When Dennis gets the bite from Colin, it felt rushed - even when the trajectory was reaching a turning point. Not saying it should be cut, just paced a little off. Also, the balloon at the end wasn't an effective symbol. It had no bearing on story or theme, except meeting the challenge criteria.

The writing was good, it was always clear what was happening. It could use a buff.

I recommend taking some of the elements and building around them so the story can resonate better. Also, the characters could benefit from some quirks. Why a greenhouse setting? It's different, but doesn't use the original setting to affect the story.

A simple story of revenge.

I didn't understand why Collin is scared of what's happening in the very end.

There's a reference to the date at the end, but I'd appreciate more of a tie to the date. This reads like an episode of Dexter, but the ending is more on a fantasy side - I would have liked it more if it was more grounded. It's about a serial killer, so I wish a living revenged him, not the dead that appeared like deux ex machina in this. Or maybe it's just me.

Either way, it's a neat story of revenge. simple and easy to read and understand.

The tension is greatly enhanced by Colin's escalating fear, that works well.  And the ending is well written.  Filmed, the greenhouse setting would be dramatic and eerie.  Good job.

JUSTICE AT SUNDOWN

Hello,

Good job. Most writers want to have as much feedback as possible. Well, I just can say, it works for me. The last picture was very well chosen. If we respect all that as a Halloween story, things happening don't have to be believable in detail. Just a story in the name of the pumpkin.

This delivers. The tables get turned. Not crazy original, but effective and entertaining.

I like how you toyed with my expectations with that opening. With this title and the horror genre, I expected that tape sound was related to something shocking and deviant. Nope, just taping up a photo. Nice. I like this sort of playful manipulation. I hope it continues. And then you deliver our expectations. Someone is bound. And you enter DEXTER territory. I expect we have a dark vigilante.

I like your decision to have the silent captor. It makes the situation more unnerving. Mysterious. Scary.  you have a lot of strong visual details as Dennis goes in and out. Atmospheric. Once the tables are turned this gets gruesome fast. Savage in language and violence. Brutal and effective. Technically watch your "of" instead of "have". IE: "would have" p.5 . I loved that description about Christmas dinner and then the one about the land mine.

Looks like Dennis invited company for this revenge party. That was cool how the tables are turned again. Kinda freaky design too. Also a good part of effective horror is the sound design. I think you did well with those elements. Im glad you took time to give a few considerations on the soundscape.

I like how you tie together the end with the beginning. I'm thinking of how the sound of tape draws on our expectations like a childish innocent balloon with sounds of torture. I also like how you spin the zombie stuff. They return from death lead by vengeance. And I like the extra touch with the stitching needle.

You've included a lot of important genre elements and played with our expectations.

While the concept isn't mind blowing it is very effective, balanced,  and well executed.

Fast paced. Simple. No elaborate portal/spells. Realistic horror balanced with otherworldly.     *  *  *  1/2  (of5)

The thing I get the most from writing shorts is they essentially help hone scene/sequence writing. Especially when there’s a page limit, you don’t have time or space to putz around because you’re thinking of the big picture. With a short, the small picture is the big picture and all the work goes into crafting the small stuff.

I think this, for the most part, is very well constructed scene. The set-up is (or seems) clear. The information is doled out in an engaging way. And finally the scene turns around completely. We spend the whole time worried about what Dennis is going to do to Colin, and within half a page find ourselves wishing he’d had the chance to do it. It could be edited down some (only one trip to the truck perhaps), but it worked for me

What happens next is for the criteria. Someone reading this outside the challenge would have a total, “what the hell is happening” moment. So you can either go to the beginning and setup the supernatural aspect, or you can come up with some other moment. Maybe one that’s more fitting.

Also going for it: I like Dennis the ‘silent’ menace. I have to imagine there’s nothing more unnerving than pleading for your life to some who reacts not...one...bit. And if you cut out the 15 extras at the end, you’ve probably got the easiest one to film I’ve read so far.

All in all a good show.

This is good.

An enjoyable read.

I love the setting and the revenge aspect too. It gets very creepy and tense at the end.

The pictures being hung up around the greenhouse was a nice touch.

Writing could use a bit of a touch up but well done on this.

Always seems to be at least one ‘character wakes up tied to a chair’ idea in the mix.  The set-up lends itself well to a short I guess -- though it’s tricky to put a new spin on the idea.  

Thought this was nicely handled for the page count.  More straight revenge/horror than fantasy.  The execution was kept tight, despite the odd hammy ‘where am I’ and ‘you don’t have to do this’.  Got to be better dialogue options.  The moment Colin turned the tables made for a decent twist -- brutal as written.  

Unfortunately giving Colin the dialogue role left Dennis with little room to set-up the portal or really give an insight into his plan.  I get that he was seeking revenge for his family though I’d have to guess that the portal was implied by the candles and his concern with the time?

Would a psychopathic killer cry?  I always thought these types lacked the necessary hard-wiring to show emotion -- just a thought.

Familiar ground but deftly handled which kept it entertaining.  

Heh.  Betsey Ross.  Don't know if Don picked that name, or you did.  But either way, well done.  

The positive: definitely a solid skilled writer behind this one.  And as a tale of revenge, it's pretty interesting.  Although - unless I missed it - the supernatural aspects of the story don't seem to have an explanation?  And they should... in some form.  Otherwise, the reader reaction (mine, at least) is wha?  Where the heck did that come from?

I'd argue that this one doesn't fit the OWC challenge... BUT, if reworked a bit as a straight out supernatural revenge story (with more explanation), this could be a very nifty little piece.

As I go...

Not sure anyone will relate to "the sound of duct tape being unravled and torn", but let's see where we go.

Well, apparently, we're going there again!     OK...

"...and legs even firmer to each other" - Obviously extremely awkwardly phrased here.

Hmmm...not sure I can relate to a greenhouse that has been erected simply to house a prisoner, nor how we see outside of it so clearly.  "pick up truck" - pickup truck.

"man" needs to be CAPPED, as it's his first appearance - doesn't matter if he's not named here..

"men and women in their late teens" - are these actually "men and women"?  IMO, these are teenagers.

Page 2 - now you CAP peeps intro'd in a picture?  And you use an aside to describe their inner feelings?  Not good, IMO.

Writing is not good and this is dragging.  It's a cheat not to intro this "man", and since we don't know anyone otehr than Colin, what are you trying to hide?

Page 3 - OK, now you intro him?  Really?  What were you waiting for?  Did you think, once we knew it was "Dennis", we'd all of a sudden know something you didn't want us to?  Big mistake here, bro.  No reason for this at all.

I see this is very short, but I have zero interest in continuing, as I have no reason to hope or fear for either character.  Writing is not good, but not terrible, but there's no story here that I can see or care to continue with.  

Great title – the best of the OWC IMO – might have to steal it.

“sits in a sturdy wooden chair.” Sits in? Probably should be “sits on”

“securely bolted down” Don’t think you need “securely” here.

“He struggles in an attempt to break free” Writing’s fine, no worries – actually a breeze to read, but I can’t help but think that some things could be tightened. For example, this could just be “He struggles to break free” Exactly the same thing – maybe it’s just me.

“It seems to of been erected for this occasion.” That seems odd – does this mean it’s been built for this exact purpose? I thought a shed would have been as effective, but maybe there’s more behind this plot point.

“A man” Should you cap man? It’s a first introduction of sorts – I guess this is where peeps say you should name characters straight away. I’m not bothered or anything, just throwing it out there.

“carrying a small rectangular dining table” This can’t be the heavy object that was dragged across the bed of the truck, surely?

“Colin freezes” Makes sense, he is tied up.

I like this but I’m beginning to get weary now, and it feels like the story has stalled at “you don’t have to do this?” I also am not keen to see every individual movement Dennis makes. I think a few pages could be trimmed to quicken the pace.

I spoke to soon – some nice action here that comes at the right time for the reader. Well, for this reader anyway.

Yeah, not much to complain about here – this one hit the nail on the head IMO. It’s a simple story well executed – well done. There were some little niggles in the writing, but I can tell it’s from someone who knows their way around a script so what’s the point.

If I had to throw out a complaint, it might be that it’s kinda short and we don’t really get to know the characters from which I mean Dennis really – we should be following his story and why he’s tied a guy up in a secluded greenhouse. That doesn’t get washed over, but it could be played on more for effect, by which I mean his (apparent death, and rising) would mean more to us.

But in terms of the challenge and the restrictions you had to adhere too, this isn’t bad at all. Could be even better after those pesky restrictions are out the way and you can give it a rewrite.

"A photograph is held against a sheet of glass and secured to
it with a single piece of tape." -- could just say "A photograph is taped to a window" - something simpler.

Some comma whackness.

"It seems to of been" - !

"but only his legs are visible due to the photographs
now covering the front top half of the greenhouse." - is that a necessary detail?

He knows this man. - of course the audience doesn't know this.

Wait, is Dennis the kidnapper guy? Why wait so long to introduce him? We've seen his face before this.

Why isn't Dennis talking? Another mute?

Is the picture in the paper one of them? Why not say so?

After the sound - past tense.

OK, why wouldn't Dennis talk when Colin is unconscious?

Seems like the other world and Halloween stuff was just tacked on the end of a crime story. Didn't make much sense story wise to me, perhaps if it was setup a bit more?

19.  Justice at Sundown by Betsy Ross - A man wakes up, tied to a chair in a greenhouse on Halloween. With only a strange man to keep him company and even stranger things happening outside.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Justice at Sundown’ this sounds like a western.
Re duct tape, nope. Not a western.
Nice opening scene. Looks like Colin’s scrrrrewwwwed!
I like Dennis’ measured indifference to Colin’s pleas.
Nice turn of events, Colin getting the upper hand… er… bite on Dennis.
Nice Dennis resurrection.
Creepy scene of the others banging on the outside of the greenhouse, but wouldn’t that be hard to tell at night? Whatever. It’s all good.
Done.

Very nice. Good tale.
Wish the greenhouse had something more to play into the story, but there is as good as anywhere.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Turn off your screenwriting program’s “mores & continueds” feature.
- Mouth stitching is a one-and-done sorta thing, like killing or hanging. Not much to really really torture or “make one pay” for past sins against many.  The story would benefit from some injustice or inflicted pain that is cumulative in nature - could be performed repeatedly over and over. That way the ghosts of victims past could spend an entire night abusing Colin.  No, I have no ideas off the top of my head. Sorry.