Nathan Green by Marnie Mitchell-Lister - Short, Horror - When a woman struggling to deal with her recent separation buys a jacket from a thrift store, she inadvertently lets another bad man into her life. (R ) - pdf, format

I like the logline... very intriguing.

I don't like the look of 11 pages though. With only one character speaking I hope this doesn't go all expository.

Code MARGOT I’m just not good company right now. (listens) Yes Rayna, I am depressed. Isn’t that a normal reaction when your marriage ends? Anyway, I don’t have anything to wear. Suddenly I hate all my clothes.

I read this with one eye closed.... but at the end, I thought... pretty well handled, actually. Nicely delivered piece of exposition. You obviously know what you're doing. Or maybe it's a fluke?

So she sees a man behind her, wearing a blazer that has been cut and made to fit a woman?

Code She shakes it off.

The blazer?

Code Hair and make-up done, Margot looks more alive.

I think 'Hair and make-up done, Margot carries a more confident air.' would be better.

Code “TAILOR MADE FOR NATHAN GREEN”

Oh OK. So rather, he's not built like a woman, but she like a man. Either that, or she has some very bad taste in clothes.

Code Now wearing a black leather jacket,

Way to kick a blazer when it's down.

Code A few yards away she glances back at her house, and at the blazer thrown over the bushes.

At this point, I'm really getting behind and rooting for the blazer. Not only has it been chucked out of the window because it is a bit smelly, but now the bitch from hell is flaunting the black leather.

I hope the blazer fucks her up.

Code In walks JAY (35), arm around some BLONDE TART (25). Utterly gutted, Margot stands frozen.

Love it. Instant karma. How's it feel now, Margot?

Code Pushing her way through the crowd, Margot heads for the door, making brief, painful eye contact with Jay.

Her eye contact is painful. I can read that without reading into it. But, what about his? He'd probably be smirking? Hey look at my new black leather jacket! Girlfriend, whatever.

Code MARGOT Oh my God, I hate you Jay. I hate you for making me live here alone. This is stupid. It’s nothing. I’m being paranoid.

Note to self, Margot is inclined to neurosis.

Code She shines the light around the room. The fallen chair is now upright, the blazer somehow draped over the back. Margot screams. She runs into her bedroom and slams the door.

Love it. Blazer's gonna get you, blazer's gonna get you.

Code Instead she taps GOOGLE, types “NATHAN GREEN” into the search.

Yeah because Nathan Green wouldn't be a popular name or anything, it should only yield several thousand results or so. Have to be a clue in one of them somewhere, assuming of course Nathan was partial to the web, and using his real name... and made the news somehow. You never know what Google will come up with though, ahem.

Code MARGOT Oh, thank God. Her body relaxes.

The blazer, Margot. It's in the other room. It just made you scream. Not the lights going out. Why would she be suddenly so relieved. Does she think the blazer's just going to forget about it?

Code Next to the bio there’s a photo of Nathan Green in handcuffs, being put into the back of a police car. He’s wearing the plaid blazer.

Bullshit.

Code It’s under the covers. A lump crawls up the side, onto the bed and slowly creeps toward her.

I find it hard to control sometimes. It just pops up all on its own.

Code Nervously she lifts them higher, higher then -- she sees the menacing face of NATHAN GREEN looking up at her.

Ruined.

This script would be so much better if it was the blazer. Forget shithead Nathan. I want more blazer.

This could be great if the blazer simply appeared in her room. Then she sits up all scared. That would be hilarious. You should seriously consider turning this into a spoof, it would work well.

Code She clicks the first result. “PARANORMAL SOCIETY” opens. She quickly scrolls through the article. “HOW TO GET RID OF AN EVIL SPIRIT. -- THEY TRY TO INFLICT FEAR AND PAIN -- ACTIVE FROM SUNDOWN TO SUNRISE”.

And with that yet another miracle tip from Google, I'm out. I liked it while the blazer was the one getting revenge, when Nathan showed up it got shitty, IMO.

The part where Nathan crept up the bed was creepy. Though actually having Nathan there at the end made it feel slightly perverted.

The first scare with the Blazer made me laugh.

Having read Dustin's comments...I am regrettably forced to agree. I think you made a fair stab at horror...but the script would be pretty funny as a comedy with the stinky blazer that just wants to be worn terrorising people.

I honestly think it will work well as a spoof. It would be funny and could even win festivals. Being able to make people laugh is always a good thing.

This one felt like a missed opportunity.  The haunted blazer was clever, but then that concept was thrown away for some standard shocks and ghost busting.  Now, if she just saw a strange man appear in her bed, and locks herself in the bathroom, and someone on the other side is banging the door to get in, is it really Google time?  Wouldn't it make more sense for her to call 911?

Talk about an easy ghost to get rid of.  Just burn a tag.  

It would have been much creepier if the blazer had kept reappearing despite her attempts to destroy it.

Some awkward phrasing:

"Now crying, Margot sits on the closed toilet."

Well, at least she won't fall in.

"By her throat, Nathan pulls Margot to her feet."

That just has a stilted sound to it.

I think this script is worth rewriting after the challenge, so you can take the one character dialogue handcuffs off.  With some reworking,  this could be made into a tight little spine tingler.

Title - Doesnt work for me. I don't know him. Joking aside, I think names are less likely to work u less there is something we know.

LOGLINE - actually I quite like that. Let's see....

Another script that could have done with more dialogue...but...I liked that. Well done.

I felt her vulnerability. I felt his presence, even though only glimpsed. It kept decent tension and wrapped it up nicely.

Having written that I have read the other comments. A bit cliched? Yes, I can see that. Nasty to the blazer, well it did smell... Not sure why though.

Yeah, it needs some work, but I like the concept. Many a film has been base do an old artefact etc why not a coat. Possibly what could work better is something that changes her, which backfires  - eg she pulls men when she didn't, or is cocky, or fights, or  juggles ten bottles, whatever . Just a thought

This was curious. Have to say I had no ides what was going to happen in this story, and it kept me guessing throughout. Bonus points there.

Starts off a bit slow. The cat is a bit of a cliche in horror. Despite that, it's well done.

Made a refreshing change with regards to the dialogue - one of the few where it didn't feel forced. It was a better fit than most. Much like the jacket.

It had the feel of one of the better Alfred Hitchcock Presents episodes.

Needs a bit of polishing here and there but I think some of the previous reviews are a bit too harsh. This was much better than some.

R

Well the title does not sound horror at all but I love the logline.

Also love the blazer and when she first sees the man behind her

A lot of cats....running in making her jump I think it happened twice in this script..and other cliche scary things like someone following you etc but the blazer thing is still fresh for me.

Even though I felt like this one went on too long, it still did good keeping my attention with the tension...good job on it. I like the originality of the blazer in this.

Good clean writing, easy read, intriguing story.

Although this went for ten pages, it didn't feel like it, you keep my interest and as everyone else has pretty much stated - the blazer was a great idea.

A couple of tiny things annoyed me:

I thought her screaming on page 2 as the banging was getting louder felt out of place. Maybe if she just covered her ears and then it stopped - the screaming just threw me.

Pg 4. I had to reread 'farther' - you caught me up there for a sec. Further, IMO, would fit just as well.

However, these are only tiny nitpicks, the rest I though was great. Understandably, a couple of things were rushed for page limit, but I think everything, as a whole, meshed pretty well.   I especially liked the little details in adding suspense during the last scenes. Good job.

I like the haunted blazer idea. Plus, it smells!

I'd cut the cliche of something-in-the-closet-oh-it's-the cat. Also, doesn't seem likely she'd mistake ( even for a moment) the "lump" under the covers (a full-grown man) for a cat.

Nice creepiness throughout, though. Fun to see it what it would look like on screen.

I liked some of this, slightly humorous. Ghost possessed Blazer is a clever gag. Not sure about the Turn Of The Tag. Not much to add, but I'll back up some previous comments - this begs a revision and it wouldn't surprise me if this bit landed on Shooting the Shorts report. Nice job.

-DjS

I like this a lot. It has a really nice vibe to it and it's written quite obviously with a deft hand.

Problem I had with it was that for all its build up and suspense the denouement was a little 'light' and there were a few too many holes in the plot.

I dunno about you but if I was that scared I wouldn't stop to google 'how to get rid of an evil spirit?' I think I'd be calling the cops - she just 'saw' Nathan Green in the flesh didn't she? Was that bathroom door locked? Can't ghosts get through locked doors?

Also, why does Margot 'scream' (early on the piece) in response to the banging -presumably from the kids outside ? - is it a fear response or annoyance? I didn't think 'screams' sounded right at that point.

I like that Margot effectively passes the malevolent ghost on to her ex at the end - some nice karma there and I think your dialogue was easy on the ear.

I think this line smacked of truth. She's just been dumped and feels angry and abandoned.

MARGOT
Oh my God, I hate you Jay. I hate
you for making me live here alone.
This is stupid. It’s nothing. I’m
being paranoid.

And this one, below, made me chuckle:

MARGOT
Sorry I’m late, Max. He got the car,
I got the cat, so I take the bus.

I suppose I was just hoping something more would happen but at every horror turn you seemed to pull back and diffuse it instead of heighten the tension.

I didn't see much in the way of 'fantasy' here but I suppose that's debatable depending on your interpretation. This appears much more to have a straight horror - minus the gore/supernatural vibe.

Just want to add that this story reminds me of this great little book written by Stephen King's son, Joe Hill - Heart Shaped Box about a guy who buys a ghost on ebay.

A little bit of the precis below.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/153025.Heart_Shaped_Box

'...  about a ghost for sale on an online auction site, he immediately puts in a bid and purchases it. The black, heart-shaped box that Coyne receives in the mail not only contains the suit of a dead man but also his vengeance-obsessed spirit.

I rather like this one.  

It has serious charm and style.  It doesn't fit the OWC challenge criteria, and does run slightly long - I feel it can be trimmed a bit.  And there *are* times that I feel the heroine is a little TOO calm when she's just seen terribly bizarre and inexplicable things.  (For instance, I LOVE the comic relief of the Googling bit.. but after I saw Nathan Green's face under my bedsheets, I'm not sure I'd be able to focus on my smartphone.)  (Note to peanut gallery...  no naughty comments about men under bedsheets, please.)

But the writing, premise and ending were fab.  

Cheers,

--J (W)

This was an easy read for me.

And it's always easier to get into the story with an easy read. The story is really good.

It's the creepiest entry - seriously it scared the blah out of me. And it came together nicely at the end.

Also, this is something very down to earth. Not a fantasy at all - very believable. A simple story, yet it has the beginning, the middle and end. And you made it easy to root for her. The tension is great and you build up to that ending very well.

Reminds me of Gogol and his Viy. Creepy.

Off topic: But I came across a story about a haunted coat once, a real life one.

It was from an English actress called Thora Hird ...she had to wear this old Victorian coat when she was doing a play and she said she kept getting the feeling the coat was trying to strangle her.

EDIT: Found the story.

http://londonparticulars.wordpress.com/2011/11/22/dame-thora-and-the-killer-coat/

Coat made it's way to the US apparently. Haha.