‘Pumpkins, mums, haystacks…’   Mums?  Seems like an odd Halloween trio.  Though as a Brit I’ve never really gotten into the whole concept.

Great visual clue with the caller ID.

Cat scare!  The first this OWC.  Why would she chuckle at her paranoia?  A moment ago she was screaming at the banging.  Seems like there’s every reason to be cautious.  I’d be halfway out a window by now...

Some genuinely creepy moments elevate this -- the chair being back upright, with the light on.  The name tag device -- all good stuff.

Quick, lively read -- a slow build to the story but it didn’t feel that way with the quality of the writing.  Started to lose me with the first internet search and the appearance of Nathan Green -- the bed bit felt a bit comical.  The second internet search pretty much drained the tension from the moment and took me firmly out of the story -- forget google and your ex -- call the cops and meet me at that window.  That said I did like the twist of giving the blazer to her ex.

Wanted to like this more.  Think there’s a decent, creepy story in this, one worth revisiting.

*spoilers*

Clever ending, just when I thought it wasn't. Good writing, this was a quick read throughout. The premise is a doozy. The blazer's odor was a welcome addition. I liked Margot, she took this haunting all the way and it was fitting.

I do like the idea of Nathan Green: serial killer ghost, but I wanted more of him in the story. Mainly because his name is the title too, I dont think it'd be hard to add a few pages to get to know him a little better. Other than that, nice work!

SPOILERS

This script is beautifully written -- weird events that are plainly told, it lets the scariness sneak up on us and heightens the feeling of dread.  The ending is chilling, since the blazer doesn't have the label in it anymore Jay's going to have an even worse time figuring out what's tormenting him.  Karma, Margot, karma.

It's taking me forever to get through the entries, due to a 7-day work week.
Anyway, on to "Nathan Green."

What I like best here is that the Jacket is possessed or is linked to something otherworldly.
I enjoyed the story when the jacket seemed to have a life of its own. I kind of agree with the idea that it could just keep appearing, and be difficult to destroy.
Not sure about the "stinking" aspect... Is that because of NG's presence? Margot didn't notice it upon purchase.
What I don't like particularly is Nathan Green's ghost — or his appearance. I think the jacket alone has enough of an aura, that I didn't need to see Green.

It's kind of cool or creepy that an article of clothing belonging to a known serial killer, a tailor-made blazer no less, ends up in a thrift shop decades after his demise. Now that is an idea I can ride with.
That angle tells me that this blazer in some haunted way has a purpose. Maybe it's not to scare the bejeezus out of the next owner.  Maybe something more cryptic.
With that in mind, a reviewer mentioned that it might have power or influence on the new owner.
So wearing it causes an effect...because it's cursed. It brings about a change in the wearer's personality, your choice of where to go with this.
Yeah, it's a kind of cliched angle, but it still is intriguing.
Reminiscent of "A Wig For Miss DeVore."

Maybe the realization on Margot's part is that the blazer cannot be destroyed, but can be contained or controlled. Is this what you were going for, anyway?  I love how she passes the blazer along to old A-hole.
But she's a little too calm. Her calmness doens't begin until that blazer is packed away and at the very least, sitting on the front porch.
Maybe she can pass along the curse, too. If A-hole goes serial on 25-something tarts, and the body counts rise, Margot has the goods on him. Ha.

Some things that didn't jive. At the end of P 4 and top of P 5, it seems Margot is walking in some strange, dark neighborhood. then it become her neighborhood.  "There's a house ahead... the house ahead is hers." that seemed strange on the page. There is also the mention of the 'woods' next to her as she walks along. Could that be a park, such as Central Park or some such?
Tidy that up. Her neighborhood shouldn't seem so mysterious to her, so I think.

I agree, once all that craziness happens in her home, I think Margot's got to call 911. Why would she bother with JAY-Hole. Especially if he ain't picking up. Know what I mean?

If you want to introduce the back story on NG, then it should be earlier. During a calm scene when she has time to be curious and not terrified. I did like the mention that he was fond of hiding under beds. Nice.

Might have been a good op to use her phone to bring tension.  She uses it as a light source, an information source, a regular phone, so take advantage of the opportunity. Such as, when Margot's using the phone as a flashlight, she can get a phone call that could scare the willies out of her. Causing her to drop the phone. Creating more panic if the phone's shorting out.

The story has some potholes, but they can be filled. I like what somebody referred to as the Blazer From Hell. Let the buyer beware.  Good job.  This is one that would be worth following on rewrites.

Fussy little script where not much of anything that matters happens. I read this a while back and then came back to it, which did nothing for the experience. An exercise in how to make much of nothing, really.

Forgive... nothing you say here is positive or helpful to the writer. Just saying.

Liking the writing.

Not sure you need the scene at the bar -- you've already established Jay and their relationship.

Overall, very good; I enjoyed this one. Tag falling randomly was a little anti-climactic though. And going to google twice might be a bit much, but I understand it was due to the talking constraints.

Great final scene. Fun read!

As I go...

Opening Slug is a problem...especially if we don't get anything that shows us this is where we are.  If you want us to know, use a SUPER.  EDIT after finishing - definitely a mistake!

"mums" - ?  flowers?  Are they Halloweeny?  I must be missing something here.

Margot's intro is awkward.

Margot's opening dialogue, although exposition, actually reads pretty well.

"INT. LIVING ROOM - MARGOT’S HOUSE - NIGHT" - Incorrect - Always start at the biggest location and go down from there.  This way, we know immediately where we are - in Margot's house, then we realize we're in her living room.

If we're in the living room, why are we hearing about the dining room and kitchen?  Doesn't make sense.

Margot's talking to herself isn't helping a very slow start here.  Overwriting in terms of meaningless details are also slowing the read to a crawl.

"INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER SAME NIGHT" - This is awkwardly written.  A Mini of LATER would be fine, but you may also want to move to a different room, just to make for a smoother transition scene.

Page 4 - Really slow going here and normally, I would have stopped, but I only have 5 more entries after this, so it looks like I'll try and stick around and add some more notes.

The snail-like pace continues - a mix of overwriting, unnecessary detail, and poor choices of what you are writing. The asides aren't helping 1 bit, either, sorry to say.

Page 5 - "...in living room" - missing "the"

Page 6 - Sorry to say this, but the "horror" here is coming across rather comical, the way things are worded - so much telling going on from your point about what was there earlier, what isn't there now, etc.  Not working for me at all.

The completely unnecessary action lines just won't stop.  I seriously don't get it...I guess you have this all pictured very clearly and completely in your head and you're determined to add everything you see, which is a mistake.

With all that's going on (not much, really, but Margot is freaked out, obvioulsy), she decides to Google Nathan Green?  Really?

Nathan Green is in bed with her now?  Really?  Oh man, I'm so sorry, but this reads like comedy. How big is this bed she's in, or how small is Nathan Green?  Or, is it just his head that's crawled into the bed?

Page 8 - Google to the rescue?  Really?  OK, listen, I don't want to be mean and I hope my comments aren't taken that way.  I sense a very young writer here, who can write, but just doesn't realize what to write and what not to write.  This all has a very juvenile feel to it as well, which isn't helping.

Now, per Google, it's bath salts to the rescue - I hope these aren't the illegal drug type?  

"INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT" - we're already in this exact Slug.  Maybe "LATER", but again, as noted earlier, it's often an uncomfortable transition when you stay in the same location, and IMO, is something you should try to avoid unless there's a reason for it.

Wow, now Nathan Green is attempting to get in through the bathtub and sink drain?  I'm seeing glimpses of the classic, "Damn you Bruce" pisser script from a few years ago.

Page 9 - that salt is powerful shit!

Page 10 - "By her throat, Nathan pulls Margot to her feet. As she gasps for air, she drops the tag. It floats down to the candle and burns." - About as awkwardly phrased as possible.

The End.  OK, listen, I didn't see any portal here at all, unless I missed something.  Naming this Nathan Green was also a big mistake.  But a bigger mistake is the thought that this would be taken as serious horror...but maybe, that wasn't the intention at all.  I don't know....I can't really believe this was intended to be a pisser or a joke, but then again, I have serious trouble believing this could be expected to be taken seriously.

Sure didn't work for me, sorry to say.

"Yes Rayna, I am depressed. Isn’t that
a normal reaction when your marriage
ends? Anyway, I don’t have anything to
wear. Suddenly I hate all my clothes.
Everything reminds me of him."
D-did she just actually say that? I think somebody might need a little lesson in expositional and on the nose dialogue. Both the characters already know all this, so I wonder why they're repeating it again? Just does not read well at all, and to keep the both of us from going insane, I'll stop mentioning it (hopefully).

"I need a bath." lol, I lied.

"I left candy on the porch you little
assholes." Please show us next time and take this line away.

"Margot
covers her ears and screams." Well, that's ahem, a little strange.

"Rayna’s right. I gotta get out of
here for a while." True that, yo! Thanks for telling me.

"Shit! Fucking voicemail!" So close! I love all the Google searches after though, I think calling 911 would be better.

And finished. Okay, I hope you knew I was joking above and poking some fun. Listen, the script isn't half bad, it's just that you're trying to stuff some Cozco-like dialogue down our throat filled with exposition, and it's not really working for me. The exposition isn't needed, we'll find it out naturally if you're any decent of a writer. What makes it worse is that you try to make it sound natural but it just turns out worse in my opinion. Either stick to a purposely funny horror, or stick to a dramatic horror. Personally, I think the former could work really well and if I had the choice, I'd make it as 'out there' and outrageous as I could (you also wouldn't have to fix the dialogue either) but I don't think that's your intent. Although I think it would work very well. Good luck!

And now looking at the other comments, a few people thought the same thing! I'd seriously got on it if I were you.

“BALTIMORE, MARYLAND – DAY” Should this be in a super? Maybe it’s not important, but you’ve gone to the effort to throw it in the slug.

Why is Margot trying on male clothes? A weird opening, but let’s see where this goes.

“An open floor plan. Living room, dining room and kitchen all tastefully furnished with nice decor.” Didn’t like this line –also, we’re in the living room in the slug. Just a little confusing but overall, the writing has been good.

“LATER SAME NIGHT” What’s going on here? You could just say LATER.

“reflection in the TV screen.” Does she not have a mirror?

Margot likes looking at herself, I’ll give her that.

Did the blazer smell before? It just suddenly smelled.

“30 SOMETHINGS” Does this mean 30 people or peeps in their 30’s?

“Margot's sanity hangs by a thread.” Why? She’s out having a drink – is it the smelly blazer? I don’t understand this?!

“BLONDE TART (25).” Ha! Love it.

“Utterly gutted” Starting to feel like a Brit now.

“Margot answers, pissed and upset.” Don’t forget that her sanity is holding on by a thread – I’d be more worried about that.

“The house ahead is hers.” That’s a stroke of luck. Didn’t she recognize her street before?

Of course, the cat in the closet routine. That pesky Max scaring Margot.

Cool, it seems like the blazer is the antag… I think.

Why doesn’t Margot use the cell phone for something other than a light, you know, the whole reason for a cell phone. She could ask for help.

“She finds a real flashlight” As long as it isn’t a “fake” flashlight.

She’s shit-scared but finds time to change clothes? And finds time to put them in the hamper – loving the urgency.

“hide under their bed” Honestly – the first thing I would do after reading this would be to check under the bed.
Yeah I know, it’s stupid but also human nature.

Why don’t doors ever open in these situations? Especially when you’re inside already.

“Margot sits on the closed toilet.” As long as it isn’t open.

A lot of googling going on which is fine in a normal situation, but there is some freaky ghost and his blazer in the house. Why not break a window or something?

“Phone in hand” At least this story is realistic – it’s rare that you see a phone leave a person’s hand nowadays.
How can she even sleep in the situation? I wouldn’t for sure.

“Rifling through cabinets and drawers, Margot arms herself with salt, a few votive candles and matches.” Just break a window and escape. Would you really rely on Google for the answers in such a situation? Fine for some things but when your life depends on it. I don’t know, maybe society is going this way.

Try to calm down using “she” in the prose – does become repetitive.

Evil bitch, giving the blazer to her ex-boyfriend. I kinda like it.

I found this a bit long in the tooth to be honest, and feel it could do with a few pages trimmed off to help the pace – it kinda meanders along in the second half IMO.

I feel as though this one went down a well-trodden path, and offered nothing new to surprise the reader. In saying that, the blazer part was quite neat and could be a humorous story if told right.

I think it’s Margot’s decisions that really threw me out of the story, like not attempting to escape because the door won’t open, or using trusty Google as a get out. The ghost Nathan Green was rather boring, he didn’t really do a lot but maybe that’s because Margot used the salt as a barrier which kept him out of the way. What I mean by this is I wish you were more inventive with him – it seems all too simple at the moment – he’s in front of Margot, light goes out, and he’s suddenly behind when they turn back on. Hope that makes sense.

Like most, the restrictions hasn’t helped so a re-write could be in order – if you could bring Jay into the story more, or tie their relationship subplot to Nathan Green, that could add another dimension. It could work to see Margot, a woman repeatedly knocked down by men in relationships, work etc to turn the screws on them, and she in fact becomes the evil character – that would mean no Nathan Green – but possibly his spirit (in the blazer) effects Margot and she takes Jay and his new girlfriend out while under the influence of Nathan Green’s spirit. I don’t know, just throwing out ideas – it’s your story at the end of the day.

Writing was fine, few awkward passages around but nothing to write home about.

I’m afraid this one wasn’t for me but a rewrite could be order – it has potential for sure.

23.  Nathan Green by Adam Stein - Short, Horror - When a woman struggling to deal with her recent separation buys a jacket from a thrift store, she inadvertently lets another bad man into her life.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Nathan Green’ I’m expecting to be introduced to an exceptional eponymous character with a prosaic name.
Succinct intro of initial story elements - nice.
Margot’s convo with Max is nice. Like it.
Reflection cannon, good. Keeps the edge on the audience.
Disturbance while in bath, good. I like how you won’t let Margot get a break, keeps the tension rolling.
Going on midway, slight forewarning of NatG, interest waning post club…
“Margot screams, jumps off the bed and runs out of the room.” Hmph…
Re Margot runs from unopenable front door to bathroom, shuts door = cliche ninny = not good. Good story’s falling apart.
Excellent set up and use of bath salts! Nice. (Story’s pulling out of nose dive!)
Eh… I don’t think a fabric tag is going to burn by candle all that especially fast.
Good end, although if destroying the tag made the NatG’s ghost disappear what’s the point of putting the stinky jacket into Jay’s box of stuff to pick up? NatG’s ghost was destroyed with the tag, the jacket should be “clean” now.

Fair enough ghost story. Only a little bit of tweaking should remedy its ails. Thank you.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Cut the entire club scene midway, just stitch the before together with the after, no time lapse; the story loses critical energy to/at/from club.
- Have the spectre of NatG drive her from the front door to the bathroom.
- Have the stench of bath salt salt fumes/gasses drive her from bathroom.
- Figure out a better way to have the tag destroyed

Very atmospheric. Actually scary. Unique premise.

I like how you set-up Margot’s backstory nice and quick. You make a note to mention how she feels about her clothes. How they have memories –attached- to them. I wonder what memories haunt this jacket? Does that “creepy old lady” on the street know something about this blazer? I like the caller ID joke. Asshole. Haha.

I like the next bit of backstory excused by talking to Max the Cat. I’d consider altering her dialogue slightly to “he got the car, I got  you”. It’s a small detail but, for me, this alteration personalizes this exchange a bit better than “I got the cat.” Likewise, I’d alter “I need to take a bath” into “I need to relax”. This dialogue would then speak with subtext as well. Just a small suggestion. Nice bit with the reflection and the man in the blazer. That would be a good jump-scare on screen.

The bath scene had a good atmosphere. The knocking stuff built nice tension. I’d consider dropping her scream. For me, I just wondered why react that full on. I liked the cover her ears. I suppose the scream suggested she might be a little crazy and hear things. Especially, since it stopped after she screamed.

Then the door creaks open. Another good scare building moment. I’d consider trimming her query to simply, “Hello?” No need to mention Jay or anything. For me, this simple Hello is more natural. I guess I’ve watched so many horror movies, good and bad, that I kinda hate this sort of moment where the character calls out another – “Billy? Is that you? Who is it? I know someone’s there?” Yeah. So do I… I get more scared if I think the character has no idea who it could be, like they aren’t  expecting a visitor. Since they’re scared so am I. Just a thought to consider. This is spooky stuff, so I’m just mentioning little things that sorta broke the tension for me, or took me out of the moment – however, -insignificant- it may be. I think these super-easy fixes would strengthen what is already good stuff.

I like how the effective atmosphere keeps coming – from the breeze, to the lights out, to the water splashing, to the glass shatter – really nice work there. I would consider excising Margot’s dialogue here – as per my previous mention. I would prefer if in this moment, after the glass breaks, she is scared that whoever is inside now knows where she is from the sound. The bathroom. I’d like her to sneak around, stealthy and quiet here – rather than calling out Jay’s name and such OTN dialogue.

I want Margot to be more scared here, so empathetically (as a viewer) I will feel the same… What I want to feel during a horror movie... Fright. Consider keeping the lights off as she edges to the door to crack it open quietly (battling the creak) and take a peek into the hallway. By the way, nice atmospheric image of the slivers of light. And another good jump with the cat. Nice cliché. Consider the effect of a larger jump here if you were to use the suggested alterations. A slow build-up to the cat jump.  To quell her fears and ours perhaps she could mention that it was the cat the made all that banging and such. Lull us into safety for the upcoming real scares(?)

I like that you have a cool down period from the atmospheric scares of the bathroom bath stuff. I wonder if she watches TV and notices the reflection (again) of the blazer – sort of haunting her, or luring her to it. Then she gets up and tries it on. A small revision, again just recommended to build even more tension and atmosphere.

Even more atmosphere builds with the smell stuff. I like how she can’t open the door, but I wonder if this sort of supernatural logic should also apply to opening the window. What if the window was already open? For me, this would allow me to continue with my suspension of disbelief. I’d also excise her dialogue or alter it to 1 sentence, " I gotta get outta here.” Again, I wonder how can she open the door now. I assume it’s because the power of the blazer has been removed once it was chucked outside.

I like how Margot spots Jay at the bar. If you alter the earlier mentions of him (thus removing any dialogue about Jay). This would be a good reveal moment. Now we know what troubles her. maybe she says his name to Rayna  (or a good refer to earlier and she calls him “Asshole” like the caller ID) – and add something like she can’t believe he’s already moved on or whatever. Also, for me, the walk home would be more mysterious and scary if it was all atmosphere (I like what you did here) minus any dialogue. It’s not like I hate all this dialogue or something. I just feel like some of these moments would be more effective without any speaking, because we would be focus more on the atmospheric elements. I would also excise the dialogue (about Jay – I liked cat stuff) inside once she returns home. Just my thoughts, right.

Creepy stuff with the blazer inside again. Magically. It seems like once she says his name a portal is activated (?) allowing for his spirit to cross over (since it’s Halloween). I don’t know if Margot needs to get changed into comfy clothes while she waits for the Google results. I’d have the cat spooked (like it is already). She talks to the cat. Then checks search on Nathan Green. Cool details on the Internet. This builds fear. Then the reveal. Wow. That was effective. Nice staging of that reveal.

Hmm. I’m thinking Margot should be more independent here. I don’t like that she keeps trying to call others for help. I’d have her determined to solve this seemingly irrational fear on her own. Maybe she would try and call, feel ridiculous, hang up before call connects, and Google a way to stop the spirit (as is).

The –chase- was great. Again, atmosphere is a strong suit of yours. I really enjoyed the build-up for all these scares. This would be terrifying on screen. A good moment was with the matches. It reminded me of a similar moment in THE CONJURING (?).  I would have preferred if Margot defeated Nathan by burning the tag, rather than the sun coming up. How do I put this? I guess, it felt convenient. I like it when she is active. I want to see her actions be integral in his defeat. That is, if I understood correctly. Perhaps it just happened to coincide with sunrise. Afterall the script doesn't mention portal close time. I just assumed my conclusion based off of challenge parameters.

Some unnecessary dialogue. With a few alterations this could be even more effective.        *   *   *   (of 5)

 

Thank you so much to all who gave constructive reviews. Very glad some liked it. I know this strayed from the portal part of the challenge parameters but it's where the story went.

A couple of things...I had a blazer exactly like the one in the story. I bought it at a thrift store, in the men's department. I'm def not the only girl who does this...buys oversized jackets, sweaters, shirts in the men's dept.

I hated the google stuff also but had no idea how to handle her finding out info without it, since there was only one allowed to have dialog.

To those who said it should be a comedy...you know dang well that's a horribly mean thing to say to a writer. Eww.

A special thanks to Kham who said it scared the "blah" out of her.    

The rewrite is up. I took a lot of the constructive advice I was given. Thanks so much for that!! If anyone has more "constructive" advice, I'd love to hear it. I'll def be doing another rewrite.

Thank you Don for posting!!    

Hey, Marnie.

I reread it. It gave me chills again - just like the first time.

I noticed the changes - so this time she hears what she needs to hear from someone on the street. A nice coincidence but for this type of story I guess it fits. I especially liked the guide's creepy smile.

Maybe she could ask Rayana about the salt or looked it up in the book or something.

Could happen easily in New Orleans. I've lived there for a year - it's a ghost house upon a ghost house there, could bump to any sort of guide and it would be believable. And southern accent will fit her name - Margot.