Thanks for giving it another read Khamanna. Glad it creeped you out again. I agree, it could be New Orleans, it could be anywhere really. I live near a historic town in NJ that does ghost walks every weekend.  

The hardest part of this story for me, was how she would find out about a rotted smell being associated with an evil spirit, and then what to do to get rid of an evil spirit. It was way more difficult with only one person having dialog. That's why I didn't bother explaining the smell in the original. I just hoped people would remember it from movies like Amityville Horror and even The Conjuring.  

I had thought about having them do shots of tequila (with training wheels = salt & lime) at the bar and Rayna making a joke about using salt if the blazer was possessed. Then I could take that part out of what the tour guide says.

Are you going to work on yours anymore?

Hey Marnie

Spotted you had a new draft up.

With so many OWC I couldn't remember much of this, so let's see...

Bold slugs...I'm out

Actually I don't want to be a slug critic but I was thrown in the first scene as I couldn't see how I would know Rebecca has entered. The transition then lost me a touch. Easy fix no doubt.
How do the shoes move if he is elsewhere - were they connected? Just saying
'Okay fine.-- if you want a pause isn't ... The usual way. To me -- shows a cut off dialogue. God I'm getting fussy
What is the Lady was blind, but her face followed her as she walked past as if she could sense her? Spooky.
The guide days a lot. One to break up?

Got to go. I will finish later but if I don't post now my ramble will be lost.

Cheers

Thanks Bill...There were a couple things I had a hard time finding the right descriptions for...and you mentioned both of them. LOL.  

First, with her entering the apartment. I wanted the point of view to be outside the building. Like if the camera were to pan up, and you could see her from the outside, through the window. But then the camera would enter though the other window, into the dark bedroom. It looks still, you hear her moving around in the other room, then as she approaches the door, we realize there's someone under the bed.

Then, when she leans over and looks under the bed, there's nothing under it. But he's now standing on the opposite side. So she sees his shoes but nothing else. Then he takes a step, so she realizes its not just a pair of shoes, there is a man standing there.

Sometimes you get these vivid ideas in your head but there hard to translate into words. I guess that's pretty much writing in general.

If you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them.

I meant to crack this one open a while ago, but I haven't gotten around to it until now for some reason. Here goes - my thoughts:

I'm liking the atmosphere from the first scene on the street, good visuals.

The bedroom slug is backwards.

Quickly into the horror - This is quite an interesting scene, a grown man hiding under a bed going to strangle someone is a pretty effective scare. I'm just wondering how much steam there is in it. As soon as Rebecca steps into the house we learn from the camera angle that something's watching her, then that it's under the bed before she steps into the room, and not far from there that it's a man's hand. We're left with very little time to use our imagination while there is a lot of room for it. I think at least one of these things could be stretched to make the scare more effective. I'd go with the man's hand because the camera under the bed really does give a good spooky feel, it would leave us wondering what exactly is under the bed for a longer period of time. Then the man's feet when she looks under the bed would be a stronger payoff.

I like the time change through the street view.

End of page 5, I feel like the script is off to a strong start, you're holding the tension well and I enjoyed the cat scare. Using the same chuckle line as for Rebbeca was a nice touch too, whether you meant it or not. I don't think the dialogue isn't holding up as well, though. Three instances of Margot thinking out loud, what I would call lazy writing:

Quoted Text MARGOT I need a bath.

Quoted Text MARGOT Oh my god. What is that?

Quoted Text MARGOT Rayna�s right. I gotta get out of here for a while.

The first and the last would work imo if directed to the cat. I'm on the edge about this one as well:

Quoted Text MARGOT Sorry I�m late, Max. He got the car, I got the cat, so I take the bus.

The lines have a somewhat strange structure, but I feel as it works well. The part I feel is the weak link here is that she calls the cat Max then turns to 3rd person.

More good atmosphere with the OTT tour guide.

P8: Margot talking to herself again is weighing the script down a fair bit for me. This one is said in the phone call to Rayna afterwards so it is unnecessary anyway.

The "(softly) Nathan Green" and "Oh, thank god" I don't mind as much of the talking to herself moments, they sound more natural.

P10: A picture of Nathan Green being placed into a police car with handcuffs on as a Wikipedia picture? Somewhat improbable in my opinion and an overkill.

The stuff with the blazer when it started going walkabout was definitely unique, but for me, it just didn't work. I can see why some other comments said that this could be a spoof of a blazer wanting to be worn now.

Overall I enjoyed how the tension was held throughout the script while still being able to provide a good story & backstory for Margot. I very much liked the first pages, but the blazer moving itself around along with the smell was too much for my liking and my enjoyment gradually diminished towards the end, at least in the horror side of the story. I'd say the blazer being the item that Nathan has a connection to get to this world would be enough instead of it going walkabout, and being curled up like a ball to trip over. The reflection on the microwave that happened on page 4 could easily replace the smell for a conversation topic with Rayna in my opinion. It was never mentioned again after page 4, perhaps forgotten about?

I seem to have missed the significance of the old lady at the bus stop. I for one didn't figure out the purpose of her or that short scene in overall. I think the bar scene could easily work without the extras and especially, the guy pouring Rayna & Margot shots. She doesn't look like she's in the mood to party with anyone, especially with other men. Well yeah, it could easily be a co-worker or friend, but still. Them talking over a desk in one of the more quieter corners could be natural for the situation.

Margot's talking to herself moments almost wanted to make me turn the script off at one point, but hell, they're just a pretty big pet peeve of mine. In 15 pages there are 5 instances that I found unnatural. I brought the other 4 out above, the 5th I have in mind is the phone one.

The ending with the blazer ending up with Jay's items was great imo. If there was no smell that he could throw it away over, we could be more certain that he's going to have something coming.

Shame I didn't finish this during the OWC, would have been interesting to see what it was like with the parameters. Anyways, I hope my ramblings were of some help.

Hi, Marnie  

Nice rewrite.

I dunno if you're looking for structural, thematic, technical, punctuation & grammar, or contest submission sort of reviews, so I'll kinda dance around the structural & technical parts.

First - love the opening scene. It'll look great.

Pg3
Love the store's name: DEJA VU THRIFT SHOP
I grin every time I read that.

               She heads to the men's side. She runs her fingers across a row
               of men's jackets. Suddenly, she stops. Her fingers travel back
               and she pulls out a plaid blazer.

               She holds up the yellow, brown and black plaid blazer and
               studies it. She takes it off the hangar, inspects it.

The term "plaid blazer" back to back just kinda reads/sounds funny so close together.
For a screenplay as blueprint it doesn't even matter.
For a screenplay as contest submission simple alterations would smooth this out.

               She heads to the men's side, runs her fingers across a row
               of men's jackets. Suddenly, she stops. Her fingers travel back
               and she pulls out a blazer.

               She studies its yellow, brown and black plaid in appreciation,
               takes it off the hangar, inspects it.

Oh, and I'm a big fan of space saving commas rather than periods.  
Personal preference, of course.

Pg5
               Unable to tolerate the smell a second longer, she opens a
               window, chucks the blazer out, then slams the window shut

If she's going to "chuck the blazer out" symmetry would follow that she would  "slam the window shut."

To go backwards a little here, consider figuring out a notable "feature" inside Margot's apartment that makes it clear her apartment is the same one Nate murdered Rebecca Mills in fifty years earlier.
Some sort of damage that would go a half century without repair, maybe.
However, an approach might be as simple as the same mailbox number they both check on the way in "at a glass door next to MAIN STREET MARKET".
Or maybe Nate can be seen underneath Rebecca's bed either studying a flaw in the floor or using a nail to etch his initials into the baseboard. The same floor flaw or initial etch can be seen in Margot's bedroom on her way to the tub.

Pg6
Oh! Excellent tour guide dialog!
Nice working in of previously introduced elements.
Great having the challenge's constraints lifted!
Like taking a 34C bra off 36D boobs. "I'm FREE! I'm FREE!" LOL!

Pg7
               Utterly gutted, Margot stands frozen. Rayna sees Jay, looks at
               Margot sympathetically. It's too much.

Could be followed with:
                              RAYNA
                         Of all the gin joints in all
                         of Baltimore...

               Pushing her way through the crowd, Margot heads for the door,
               making brief, painful eye contact with Jay.

               Rayna detours to Jay, angry "You know what?!" finger pointed
               at his face.

Pg10
               Nervously she lifts them higher, higher then -- she sees the
               blazer. Slowly emerging from the darkness inside is the menacing
               face of Nathan Green. It looks up at her.

If a director can effectively execute that shot - that will look very cool.  

Pg11
               There's a loud bang on the door. Startled, she jumps, knocks back
               the bath salts jar.

                              MARGOT
                         Salt. Salt, salt, salt--
                         A barrier of salt will protect  
                         you well while you work this
                         magic and condemn them to hell.

               
               Another bang, then another. The door shakes.

               Margot turns, grabs her bath salts, quickly pours some
               under the door. It stops shaking.

               She pours the remaining salts on the window ledge.

Pg12

               INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
               Rifling through cabinets and drawers, Margot arms herself with
               salt, a few votive candles and matches.

The funny part is Margot escapes the bathroom but doesn't get the hell out of the house.  
No. She stands to defend her turf.  Funny.

Clarify in the dining room that she grabs the TABLE salt from the table or cupboard, not the bath salts.
Unless you want to amend that when she ran from the bathroom that she brought the bath salts with her.

Pg14
Okay, so the tag floated down and missed the candle - Margot has not burned something of the "evil spirit" = evil spirit of Nate still a go.
She tosses the blazer into Jay's box... and she's good with Nate likely killing Jay at some point.
Cool. I'm good with that decision.
But please provide a sensible reason in the story for Margot's murder two of Jay. What's her moral justification?

Gah!

Just occurred to me - Make the pg3 creepy Staring Old Lady and the pg6 Ghost Tour Guide the same character - either one, doesn't matter.




For bonus creep - have her/him in the opening sequence looking exactly the same, creeping out poor Ms Mills.

The logline to this one was one of the few that intrigued me enough to read. Sadly, I never had the time during the OWC, but I had a few minutes today...and since you are a fellow Guinness lover...  

I liked this one and think you did a great job with it. The story is solid. The only thng I would've liked to see a little differently is the action writing towards the end. I think you can trim it up and make it zip along faster so we better "feel" the panic and horror.  

Love bold slugs! Everyone should use them!  Lol!

Ok, gonna get nitpicky here because you might have missed a few things since this is a rewrite.

Page 1.    "It�s door opens."

Nice and creepy with the man under the bed!

Page 2.     IMHO, I would've added "the sound of the front door". The way it reads now is more of a visual than a sound clue. In other words, I read it as the location had changed. We were either seeing the door from inside the foyer or outside.

Page 3.     You could emphasize the jacket a little more when it's first mentioned in the killing scene so we know to pay attention to its characteristics more.

"Sorry I'm late, Max. He got the car,
I got the cat, so I take the bus."

Just my opinion, but I think it would work better as

Sorry I'm late, Max. He got the car,
I got you, so I take the bus.

It reads less like a V.O. and since she's talking to him.

Page 4.     Since this is horror, sounds are important. Why not write

BANG! BANG! BANG! From the other room.

Margot's eyes pop open.

Not telling you how to do things, just offering suggestions.

Page 5.     To better show us how bad the blazer smells, you can have Margot act like she smells too now. Maybe even need another bath. Show us her smelling herself and be disgusted. Unless ofcourse, she still smells like a rose.

Page 8.     Something crashes to the floor in the living room.  

I think you can cut her dialogue where she talks to herself. Works better if you show us how she thinks she's being paranoid.

Page 11.   Good use of the bath salts. Nice set-up.

Page 14.   Nice ending. I would've already put the blazer in one of the boxes. He was rude by saying, try not to be a bitch, so that's when I would've decided to hand him the jacket. Not after I see the jacket hanging over a chair.

Very nice work!  

WOW! Thanks so much you guys! I'm not a horror writer so these suggestions are very helpful.

I def need to take out some of her solo dialog. It was in there for the challenge and sorta forgot to take some out. It's one of my pet peeves too.

Seriously great suggestions. I was thinking of changing the smell to moths. I thought the smell would be easier to film though.

Ray..freakin great idea making the bus lady the tour guide. I knew there was a reason I was keeping that bus ride in there. I almost took it out a bunch of times because it doesn't add anything. I think DS mentioned that and I totally agree. But now it will mean something...even if we don't know why.

I will absolutely add more sounds too, Pia.

You guys have given me so much to think about. I truly appreciate it.

I used one of my biggest fears for this...someone hiding under my bed.

I didn't read Ray's or anyone else's comments, but that is a great suggestion to have the bus lady be the tour guide too, even if it doesn't lead to anything. It's still a creepy visual.

Quoted from mmmarnie The hardest part of this story for me, was how she would find out about a rotted smell being associated with an evil spirit, and then what to do to get rid of an evil spirit. It was way more difficult with only one person having dialog.

THe smell explanation was an excellent addition. I really appreciated that moment.

Quoted from mmmarnie Are you going to work on yours anymore?

I posted the rewrite and asked Don to update the script  as well. But I sent Don my dropbox link - probably should have sent in the script. I'll see what he says. If there's an update I'll post again inviting people to read it.

Hey Marnie

I pop back in and see you've ha d a load of reads.

Carrying on...

One of the chaleknegers will be to make this stand out and not appear a well trodden road. The script works well and their is a decent sense of menace to it.

I like the salt part. Simple and effective.

I also loved the end, passing the blazer to asshole. Good.

Yeah, the creepy lady needs reference and Rays idea of using her elsewhere is good. We all need to avoid loose ends.

Cat - anything happen to that. In fact could you use something else? Parrot? Always talks. Now it doesn't except it says NATHAN! NATHAN - creepy

Daylight rescuing her, I was a bit so so on that. Could she hit the blinds on purpose? IE earn her life?

All the best