Nathan Green by Marnie Mitchell-Lister - Short, Horror - When a woman struggling to deal with her recent separation buys a jacket from a thrift store, she inadvertently lets another bad man into her life. (R ) - pdf, format

I like the logline... very intriguing.

I don't like the look of 11 pages though. With only one character speaking I hope this doesn't go all expository.

Code MARGOT I’m just not good company right now. (listens) Yes Rayna, I am depressed. Isn’t that a normal reaction when your marriage ends? Anyway, I don’t have anything to wear. Suddenly I hate all my clothes.

I read this with one eye closed.... but at the end, I thought... pretty well handled, actually. Nicely delivered piece of exposition. You obviously know what you're doing. Or maybe it's a fluke?

So she sees a man behind her, wearing a blazer that has been cut and made to fit a woman?

Code She shakes it off.

The blazer?

Code Hair and make-up done, Margot looks more alive.

I think 'Hair and make-up done, Margot carries a more confident air.' would be better.

Code “TAILOR MADE FOR NATHAN GREEN”

Oh OK. So rather, he's not built like a woman, but she like a man. Either that, or she has some very bad taste in clothes.

Code Now wearing a black leather jacket,

Way to kick a blazer when it's down.

Code A few yards away she glances back at her house, and at the blazer thrown over the bushes.

At this point, I'm really getting behind and rooting for the blazer. Not only has it been chucked out of the window because it is a bit smelly, but now the bitch from hell is flaunting the black leather.

I hope the blazer fucks her up.

Code In walks JAY (35), arm around some BLONDE TART (25). Utterly gutted, Margot stands frozen.

Love it. Instant karma. How's it feel now, Margot?

Code Pushing her way through the crowd, Margot heads for the door, making brief, painful eye contact with Jay.

Her eye contact is painful. I can read that without reading into it. But, what about his? He'd probably be smirking? Hey look at my new black leather jacket! Girlfriend, whatever.

Code MARGOT Oh my God, I hate you Jay. I hate you for making me live here alone. This is stupid. It’s nothing. I’m being paranoid.

Note to self, Margot is inclined to neurosis.

Code She shines the light around the room. The fallen chair is now upright, the blazer somehow draped over the back. Margot screams. She runs into her bedroom and slams the door.

Love it. Blazer's gonna get you, blazer's gonna get you.

Code Instead she taps GOOGLE, types “NATHAN GREEN” into the search.

Yeah because Nathan Green wouldn't be a popular name or anything, it should only yield several thousand results or so. Have to be a clue in one of them somewhere, assuming of course Nathan was partial to the web, and using his real name... and made the news somehow. You never know what Google will come up with though, ahem.

Code MARGOT Oh, thank God. Her body relaxes.

The blazer, Margot. It's in the other room. It just made you scream. Not the lights going out. Why would she be suddenly so relieved. Does she think the blazer's just going to forget about it?

Code Next to the bio there’s a photo of Nathan Green in handcuffs, being put into the back of a police car. He’s wearing the plaid blazer.

Bullshit.

Code It’s under the covers. A lump crawls up the side, onto the bed and slowly creeps toward her.

I find it hard to control sometimes. It just pops up all on its own.

Code Nervously she lifts them higher, higher then -- she sees the menacing face of NATHAN GREEN looking up at her.

Ruined.

This script would be so much better if it was the blazer. Forget shithead Nathan. I want more blazer.

This could be great if the blazer simply appeared in her room. Then she sits up all scared. That would be hilarious. You should seriously consider turning this into a spoof, it would work well.

Code She clicks the first result. “PARANORMAL SOCIETY” opens. She quickly scrolls through the article. “HOW TO GET RID OF AN EVIL SPIRIT. -- THEY TRY TO INFLICT FEAR AND PAIN -- ACTIVE FROM SUNDOWN TO SUNRISE”.

And with that yet another miracle tip from Google, I'm out. I liked it while the blazer was the one getting revenge, when Nathan showed up it got shitty, IMO.

The part where Nathan crept up the bed was creepy. Though actually having Nathan there at the end made it feel slightly perverted.

The first scare with the Blazer made me laugh.

Having read Dustin's comments...I am regrettably forced to agree. I think you made a fair stab at horror...but the script would be pretty funny as a comedy with the stinky blazer that just wants to be worn terrorising people.

I honestly think it will work well as a spoof. It would be funny and could even win festivals. Being able to make people laugh is always a good thing.

This one felt like a missed opportunity.  The haunted blazer was clever, but then that concept was thrown away for some standard shocks and ghost busting.  Now, if she just saw a strange man appear in her bed, and locks herself in the bathroom, and someone on the other side is banging the door to get in, is it really Google time?  Wouldn't it make more sense for her to call 911?

Talk about an easy ghost to get rid of.  Just burn a tag.  

It would have been much creepier if the blazer had kept reappearing despite her attempts to destroy it.

Some awkward phrasing:

"Now crying, Margot sits on the closed toilet."

Well, at least she won't fall in.

"By her throat, Nathan pulls Margot to her feet."

That just has a stilted sound to it.

I think this script is worth rewriting after the challenge, so you can take the one character dialogue handcuffs off.  With some reworking,  this could be made into a tight little spine tingler.

Title - Doesnt work for me. I don't know him. Joking aside, I think names are less likely to work u less there is something we know.

LOGLINE - actually I quite like that. Let's see....

Another script that could have done with more dialogue...but...I liked that. Well done.

I felt her vulnerability. I felt his presence, even though only glimpsed. It kept decent tension and wrapped it up nicely.

Having written that I have read the other comments. A bit cliched? Yes, I can see that. Nasty to the blazer, well it did smell... Not sure why though.

Yeah, it needs some work, but I like the concept. Many a film has been base do an old artefact etc why not a coat. Possibly what could work better is something that changes her, which backfires  - eg she pulls men when she didn't, or is cocky, or fights, or  juggles ten bottles, whatever . Just a thought

This was curious. Have to say I had no ides what was going to happen in this story, and it kept me guessing throughout. Bonus points there.

Starts off a bit slow. The cat is a bit of a cliche in horror. Despite that, it's well done.

Made a refreshing change with regards to the dialogue - one of the few where it didn't feel forced. It was a better fit than most. Much like the jacket.

It had the feel of one of the better Alfred Hitchcock Presents episodes.

Needs a bit of polishing here and there but I think some of the previous reviews are a bit too harsh. This was much better than some.

R

Well the title does not sound horror at all but I love the logline.

Also love the blazer and when she first sees the man behind her

A lot of cats....running in making her jump I think it happened twice in this script..and other cliche scary things like someone following you etc but the blazer thing is still fresh for me.

Even though I felt like this one went on too long, it still did good keeping my attention with the tension...good job on it. I like the originality of the blazer in this.

Good clean writing, easy read, intriguing story.

Although this went for ten pages, it didn't feel like it, you keep my interest and as everyone else has pretty much stated - the blazer was a great idea.

A couple of tiny things annoyed me:

I thought her screaming on page 2 as the banging was getting louder felt out of place. Maybe if she just covered her ears and then it stopped - the screaming just threw me.

Pg 4. I had to reread 'farther' - you caught me up there for a sec. Further, IMO, would fit just as well.

However, these are only tiny nitpicks, the rest I though was great. Understandably, a couple of things were rushed for page limit, but I think everything, as a whole, meshed pretty well.   I especially liked the little details in adding suspense during the last scenes. Good job.

I like the haunted blazer idea. Plus, it smells!

I'd cut the cliche of something-in-the-closet-oh-it's-the cat. Also, doesn't seem likely she'd mistake ( even for a moment) the "lump" under the covers (a full-grown man) for a cat.

Nice creepiness throughout, though. Fun to see it what it would look like on screen.

I liked some of this, slightly humorous. Ghost possessed Blazer is a clever gag. Not sure about the Turn Of The Tag. Not much to add, but I'll back up some previous comments - this begs a revision and it wouldn't surprise me if this bit landed on Shooting the Shorts report. Nice job.

-DjS

I like this a lot. It has a really nice vibe to it and it's written quite obviously with a deft hand.

Problem I had with it was that for all its build up and suspense the denouement was a little 'light' and there were a few too many holes in the plot.

I dunno about you but if I was that scared I wouldn't stop to google 'how to get rid of an evil spirit?' I think I'd be calling the cops - she just 'saw' Nathan Green in the flesh didn't she? Was that bathroom door locked? Can't ghosts get through locked doors?

Also, why does Margot 'scream' (early on the piece) in response to the banging -presumably from the kids outside ? - is it a fear response or annoyance? I didn't think 'screams' sounded right at that point.

I like that Margot effectively passes the malevolent ghost on to her ex at the end - some nice karma there and I think your dialogue was easy on the ear.

I think this line smacked of truth. She's just been dumped and feels angry and abandoned.

MARGOT
Oh my God, I hate you Jay. I hate
you for making me live here alone.
This is stupid. It’s nothing. I’m
being paranoid.

And this one, below, made me chuckle:

MARGOT
Sorry I’m late, Max. He got the car,
I got the cat, so I take the bus.

I suppose I was just hoping something more would happen but at every horror turn you seemed to pull back and diffuse it instead of heighten the tension.

I didn't see much in the way of 'fantasy' here but I suppose that's debatable depending on your interpretation. This appears much more to have a straight horror - minus the gore/supernatural vibe.

Just want to add that this story reminds me of this great little book written by Stephen King's son, Joe Hill - Heart Shaped Box about a guy who buys a ghost on ebay.

A little bit of the precis below.

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/153025.Heart_Shaped_Box

'...  about a ghost for sale on an online auction site, he immediately puts in a bid and purchases it. The black, heart-shaped box that Coyne receives in the mail not only contains the suit of a dead man but also his vengeance-obsessed spirit.

I rather like this one.  

It has serious charm and style.  It doesn't fit the OWC challenge criteria, and does run slightly long - I feel it can be trimmed a bit.  And there *are* times that I feel the heroine is a little TOO calm when she's just seen terribly bizarre and inexplicable things.  (For instance, I LOVE the comic relief of the Googling bit.. but after I saw Nathan Green's face under my bedsheets, I'm not sure I'd be able to focus on my smartphone.)  (Note to peanut gallery...  no naughty comments about men under bedsheets, please.)

But the writing, premise and ending were fab.  

Cheers,

--J (W)

This was an easy read for me.

And it's always easier to get into the story with an easy read. The story is really good.

It's the creepiest entry - seriously it scared the blah out of me. And it came together nicely at the end.

Also, this is something very down to earth. Not a fantasy at all - very believable. A simple story, yet it has the beginning, the middle and end. And you made it easy to root for her. The tension is great and you build up to that ending very well.

Reminds me of Gogol and his Viy. Creepy.

Off topic: But I came across a story about a haunted coat once, a real life one.

It was from an English actress called Thora Hird ...she had to wear this old Victorian coat when she was doing a play and she said she kept getting the feeling the coat was trying to strangle her.

EDIT: Found the story.

http://londonparticulars.wordpress.com/2011/11/22/dame-thora-and-the-killer-coat/

Coat made it's way to the US apparently. Haha.

‘Pumpkins, mums, haystacks…’   Mums?  Seems like an odd Halloween trio.  Though as a Brit I’ve never really gotten into the whole concept.

Great visual clue with the caller ID.

Cat scare!  The first this OWC.  Why would she chuckle at her paranoia?  A moment ago she was screaming at the banging.  Seems like there’s every reason to be cautious.  I’d be halfway out a window by now...

Some genuinely creepy moments elevate this -- the chair being back upright, with the light on.  The name tag device -- all good stuff.

Quick, lively read -- a slow build to the story but it didn’t feel that way with the quality of the writing.  Started to lose me with the first internet search and the appearance of Nathan Green -- the bed bit felt a bit comical.  The second internet search pretty much drained the tension from the moment and took me firmly out of the story -- forget google and your ex -- call the cops and meet me at that window.  That said I did like the twist of giving the blazer to her ex.

Wanted to like this more.  Think there’s a decent, creepy story in this, one worth revisiting.

*spoilers*

Clever ending, just when I thought it wasn't. Good writing, this was a quick read throughout. The premise is a doozy. The blazer's odor was a welcome addition. I liked Margot, she took this haunting all the way and it was fitting.

I do like the idea of Nathan Green: serial killer ghost, but I wanted more of him in the story. Mainly because his name is the title too, I dont think it'd be hard to add a few pages to get to know him a little better. Other than that, nice work!

SPOILERS

This script is beautifully written -- weird events that are plainly told, it lets the scariness sneak up on us and heightens the feeling of dread.  The ending is chilling, since the blazer doesn't have the label in it anymore Jay's going to have an even worse time figuring out what's tormenting him.  Karma, Margot, karma.

It's taking me forever to get through the entries, due to a 7-day work week.
Anyway, on to "Nathan Green."

What I like best here is that the Jacket is possessed or is linked to something otherworldly.
I enjoyed the story when the jacket seemed to have a life of its own. I kind of agree with the idea that it could just keep appearing, and be difficult to destroy.
Not sure about the "stinking" aspect... Is that because of NG's presence? Margot didn't notice it upon purchase.
What I don't like particularly is Nathan Green's ghost — or his appearance. I think the jacket alone has enough of an aura, that I didn't need to see Green.

It's kind of cool or creepy that an article of clothing belonging to a known serial killer, a tailor-made blazer no less, ends up in a thrift shop decades after his demise. Now that is an idea I can ride with.
That angle tells me that this blazer in some haunted way has a purpose. Maybe it's not to scare the bejeezus out of the next owner.  Maybe something more cryptic.
With that in mind, a reviewer mentioned that it might have power or influence on the new owner.
So wearing it causes an effect...because it's cursed. It brings about a change in the wearer's personality, your choice of where to go with this.
Yeah, it's a kind of cliched angle, but it still is intriguing.
Reminiscent of "A Wig For Miss DeVore."

Maybe the realization on Margot's part is that the blazer cannot be destroyed, but can be contained or controlled. Is this what you were going for, anyway?  I love how she passes the blazer along to old A-hole.
But she's a little too calm. Her calmness doens't begin until that blazer is packed away and at the very least, sitting on the front porch.
Maybe she can pass along the curse, too. If A-hole goes serial on 25-something tarts, and the body counts rise, Margot has the goods on him. Ha.

Some things that didn't jive. At the end of P 4 and top of P 5, it seems Margot is walking in some strange, dark neighborhood. then it become her neighborhood.  "There's a house ahead... the house ahead is hers." that seemed strange on the page. There is also the mention of the 'woods' next to her as she walks along. Could that be a park, such as Central Park or some such?
Tidy that up. Her neighborhood shouldn't seem so mysterious to her, so I think.

I agree, once all that craziness happens in her home, I think Margot's got to call 911. Why would she bother with JAY-Hole. Especially if he ain't picking up. Know what I mean?

If you want to introduce the back story on NG, then it should be earlier. During a calm scene when she has time to be curious and not terrified. I did like the mention that he was fond of hiding under beds. Nice.

Might have been a good op to use her phone to bring tension.  She uses it as a light source, an information source, a regular phone, so take advantage of the opportunity. Such as, when Margot's using the phone as a flashlight, she can get a phone call that could scare the willies out of her. Causing her to drop the phone. Creating more panic if the phone's shorting out.

The story has some potholes, but they can be filled. I like what somebody referred to as the Blazer From Hell. Let the buyer beware.  Good job.  This is one that would be worth following on rewrites.

Fussy little script where not much of anything that matters happens. I read this a while back and then came back to it, which did nothing for the experience. An exercise in how to make much of nothing, really.

Forgive... nothing you say here is positive or helpful to the writer. Just saying.

Liking the writing.

Not sure you need the scene at the bar -- you've already established Jay and their relationship.

Overall, very good; I enjoyed this one. Tag falling randomly was a little anti-climactic though. And going to google twice might be a bit much, but I understand it was due to the talking constraints.

Great final scene. Fun read!

As I go...

Opening Slug is a problem...especially if we don't get anything that shows us this is where we are.  If you want us to know, use a SUPER.  EDIT after finishing - definitely a mistake!

"mums" - ?  flowers?  Are they Halloweeny?  I must be missing something here.

Margot's intro is awkward.

Margot's opening dialogue, although exposition, actually reads pretty well.

"INT. LIVING ROOM - MARGOT’S HOUSE - NIGHT" - Incorrect - Always start at the biggest location and go down from there.  This way, we know immediately where we are - in Margot's house, then we realize we're in her living room.

If we're in the living room, why are we hearing about the dining room and kitchen?  Doesn't make sense.

Margot's talking to herself isn't helping a very slow start here.  Overwriting in terms of meaningless details are also slowing the read to a crawl.

"INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER SAME NIGHT" - This is awkwardly written.  A Mini of LATER would be fine, but you may also want to move to a different room, just to make for a smoother transition scene.

Page 4 - Really slow going here and normally, I would have stopped, but I only have 5 more entries after this, so it looks like I'll try and stick around and add some more notes.

The snail-like pace continues - a mix of overwriting, unnecessary detail, and poor choices of what you are writing. The asides aren't helping 1 bit, either, sorry to say.

Page 5 - "...in living room" - missing "the"

Page 6 - Sorry to say this, but the "horror" here is coming across rather comical, the way things are worded - so much telling going on from your point about what was there earlier, what isn't there now, etc.  Not working for me at all.

The completely unnecessary action lines just won't stop.  I seriously don't get it...I guess you have this all pictured very clearly and completely in your head and you're determined to add everything you see, which is a mistake.

With all that's going on (not much, really, but Margot is freaked out, obvioulsy), she decides to Google Nathan Green?  Really?

Nathan Green is in bed with her now?  Really?  Oh man, I'm so sorry, but this reads like comedy. How big is this bed she's in, or how small is Nathan Green?  Or, is it just his head that's crawled into the bed?

Page 8 - Google to the rescue?  Really?  OK, listen, I don't want to be mean and I hope my comments aren't taken that way.  I sense a very young writer here, who can write, but just doesn't realize what to write and what not to write.  This all has a very juvenile feel to it as well, which isn't helping.

Now, per Google, it's bath salts to the rescue - I hope these aren't the illegal drug type?  

"INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT" - we're already in this exact Slug.  Maybe "LATER", but again, as noted earlier, it's often an uncomfortable transition when you stay in the same location, and IMO, is something you should try to avoid unless there's a reason for it.

Wow, now Nathan Green is attempting to get in through the bathtub and sink drain?  I'm seeing glimpses of the classic, "Damn you Bruce" pisser script from a few years ago.

Page 9 - that salt is powerful shit!

Page 10 - "By her throat, Nathan pulls Margot to her feet. As she gasps for air, she drops the tag. It floats down to the candle and burns." - About as awkwardly phrased as possible.

The End.  OK, listen, I didn't see any portal here at all, unless I missed something.  Naming this Nathan Green was also a big mistake.  But a bigger mistake is the thought that this would be taken as serious horror...but maybe, that wasn't the intention at all.  I don't know....I can't really believe this was intended to be a pisser or a joke, but then again, I have serious trouble believing this could be expected to be taken seriously.

Sure didn't work for me, sorry to say.

"Yes Rayna, I am depressed. Isn’t that
a normal reaction when your marriage
ends? Anyway, I don’t have anything to
wear. Suddenly I hate all my clothes.
Everything reminds me of him."
D-did she just actually say that? I think somebody might need a little lesson in expositional and on the nose dialogue. Both the characters already know all this, so I wonder why they're repeating it again? Just does not read well at all, and to keep the both of us from going insane, I'll stop mentioning it (hopefully).

"I need a bath." lol, I lied.

"I left candy on the porch you little
assholes." Please show us next time and take this line away.

"Margot
covers her ears and screams." Well, that's ahem, a little strange.

"Rayna’s right. I gotta get out of
here for a while." True that, yo! Thanks for telling me.

"Shit! Fucking voicemail!" So close! I love all the Google searches after though, I think calling 911 would be better.

And finished. Okay, I hope you knew I was joking above and poking some fun. Listen, the script isn't half bad, it's just that you're trying to stuff some Cozco-like dialogue down our throat filled with exposition, and it's not really working for me. The exposition isn't needed, we'll find it out naturally if you're any decent of a writer. What makes it worse is that you try to make it sound natural but it just turns out worse in my opinion. Either stick to a purposely funny horror, or stick to a dramatic horror. Personally, I think the former could work really well and if I had the choice, I'd make it as 'out there' and outrageous as I could (you also wouldn't have to fix the dialogue either) but I don't think that's your intent. Although I think it would work very well. Good luck!

And now looking at the other comments, a few people thought the same thing! I'd seriously got on it if I were you.

“BALTIMORE, MARYLAND – DAY” Should this be in a super? Maybe it’s not important, but you’ve gone to the effort to throw it in the slug.

Why is Margot trying on male clothes? A weird opening, but let’s see where this goes.

“An open floor plan. Living room, dining room and kitchen all tastefully furnished with nice decor.” Didn’t like this line –also, we’re in the living room in the slug. Just a little confusing but overall, the writing has been good.

“LATER SAME NIGHT” What’s going on here? You could just say LATER.

“reflection in the TV screen.” Does she not have a mirror?

Margot likes looking at herself, I’ll give her that.

Did the blazer smell before? It just suddenly smelled.

“30 SOMETHINGS” Does this mean 30 people or peeps in their 30’s?

“Margot's sanity hangs by a thread.” Why? She’s out having a drink – is it the smelly blazer? I don’t understand this?!

“BLONDE TART (25).” Ha! Love it.

“Utterly gutted” Starting to feel like a Brit now.

“Margot answers, pissed and upset.” Don’t forget that her sanity is holding on by a thread – I’d be more worried about that.

“The house ahead is hers.” That’s a stroke of luck. Didn’t she recognize her street before?

Of course, the cat in the closet routine. That pesky Max scaring Margot.

Cool, it seems like the blazer is the antag… I think.

Why doesn’t Margot use the cell phone for something other than a light, you know, the whole reason for a cell phone. She could ask for help.

“She finds a real flashlight” As long as it isn’t a “fake” flashlight.

She’s shit-scared but finds time to change clothes? And finds time to put them in the hamper – loving the urgency.

“hide under their bed” Honestly – the first thing I would do after reading this would be to check under the bed.
Yeah I know, it’s stupid but also human nature.

Why don’t doors ever open in these situations? Especially when you’re inside already.

“Margot sits on the closed toilet.” As long as it isn’t open.

A lot of googling going on which is fine in a normal situation, but there is some freaky ghost and his blazer in the house. Why not break a window or something?

“Phone in hand” At least this story is realistic – it’s rare that you see a phone leave a person’s hand nowadays.
How can she even sleep in the situation? I wouldn’t for sure.

“Rifling through cabinets and drawers, Margot arms herself with salt, a few votive candles and matches.” Just break a window and escape. Would you really rely on Google for the answers in such a situation? Fine for some things but when your life depends on it. I don’t know, maybe society is going this way.

Try to calm down using “she” in the prose – does become repetitive.

Evil bitch, giving the blazer to her ex-boyfriend. I kinda like it.

I found this a bit long in the tooth to be honest, and feel it could do with a few pages trimmed off to help the pace – it kinda meanders along in the second half IMO.

I feel as though this one went down a well-trodden path, and offered nothing new to surprise the reader. In saying that, the blazer part was quite neat and could be a humorous story if told right.

I think it’s Margot’s decisions that really threw me out of the story, like not attempting to escape because the door won’t open, or using trusty Google as a get out. The ghost Nathan Green was rather boring, he didn’t really do a lot but maybe that’s because Margot used the salt as a barrier which kept him out of the way. What I mean by this is I wish you were more inventive with him – it seems all too simple at the moment – he’s in front of Margot, light goes out, and he’s suddenly behind when they turn back on. Hope that makes sense.

Like most, the restrictions hasn’t helped so a re-write could be in order – if you could bring Jay into the story more, or tie their relationship subplot to Nathan Green, that could add another dimension. It could work to see Margot, a woman repeatedly knocked down by men in relationships, work etc to turn the screws on them, and she in fact becomes the evil character – that would mean no Nathan Green – but possibly his spirit (in the blazer) effects Margot and she takes Jay and his new girlfriend out while under the influence of Nathan Green’s spirit. I don’t know, just throwing out ideas – it’s your story at the end of the day.

Writing was fine, few awkward passages around but nothing to write home about.

I’m afraid this one wasn’t for me but a rewrite could be order – it has potential for sure.

23.  Nathan Green by Adam Stein - Short, Horror - When a woman struggling to deal with her recent separation buys a jacket from a thrift store, she inadvertently lets another bad man into her life.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Nathan Green’ I’m expecting to be introduced to an exceptional eponymous character with a prosaic name.
Succinct intro of initial story elements - nice.
Margot’s convo with Max is nice. Like it.
Reflection cannon, good. Keeps the edge on the audience.
Disturbance while in bath, good. I like how you won’t let Margot get a break, keeps the tension rolling.
Going on midway, slight forewarning of NatG, interest waning post club…
“Margot screams, jumps off the bed and runs out of the room.” Hmph…
Re Margot runs from unopenable front door to bathroom, shuts door = cliche ninny = not good. Good story’s falling apart.
Excellent set up and use of bath salts! Nice. (Story’s pulling out of nose dive!)
Eh… I don’t think a fabric tag is going to burn by candle all that especially fast.
Good end, although if destroying the tag made the NatG’s ghost disappear what’s the point of putting the stinky jacket into Jay’s box of stuff to pick up? NatG’s ghost was destroyed with the tag, the jacket should be “clean” now.

Fair enough ghost story. Only a little bit of tweaking should remedy its ails. Thank you.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Cut the entire club scene midway, just stitch the before together with the after, no time lapse; the story loses critical energy to/at/from club.
- Have the spectre of NatG drive her from the front door to the bathroom.
- Have the stench of bath salt salt fumes/gasses drive her from bathroom.
- Figure out a better way to have the tag destroyed

Very atmospheric. Actually scary. Unique premise.

I like how you set-up Margot’s backstory nice and quick. You make a note to mention how she feels about her clothes. How they have memories –attached- to them. I wonder what memories haunt this jacket? Does that “creepy old lady” on the street know something about this blazer? I like the caller ID joke. Asshole. Haha.

I like the next bit of backstory excused by talking to Max the Cat. I’d consider altering her dialogue slightly to “he got the car, I got  you”. It’s a small detail but, for me, this alteration personalizes this exchange a bit better than “I got the cat.” Likewise, I’d alter “I need to take a bath” into “I need to relax”. This dialogue would then speak with subtext as well. Just a small suggestion. Nice bit with the reflection and the man in the blazer. That would be a good jump-scare on screen.

The bath scene had a good atmosphere. The knocking stuff built nice tension. I’d consider dropping her scream. For me, I just wondered why react that full on. I liked the cover her ears. I suppose the scream suggested she might be a little crazy and hear things. Especially, since it stopped after she screamed.

Then the door creaks open. Another good scare building moment. I’d consider trimming her query to simply, “Hello?” No need to mention Jay or anything. For me, this simple Hello is more natural. I guess I’ve watched so many horror movies, good and bad, that I kinda hate this sort of moment where the character calls out another – “Billy? Is that you? Who is it? I know someone’s there?” Yeah. So do I… I get more scared if I think the character has no idea who it could be, like they aren’t  expecting a visitor. Since they’re scared so am I. Just a thought to consider. This is spooky stuff, so I’m just mentioning little things that sorta broke the tension for me, or took me out of the moment – however, -insignificant- it may be. I think these super-easy fixes would strengthen what is already good stuff.

I like how the effective atmosphere keeps coming – from the breeze, to the lights out, to the water splashing, to the glass shatter – really nice work there. I would consider excising Margot’s dialogue here – as per my previous mention. I would prefer if in this moment, after the glass breaks, she is scared that whoever is inside now knows where she is from the sound. The bathroom. I’d like her to sneak around, stealthy and quiet here – rather than calling out Jay’s name and such OTN dialogue.

I want Margot to be more scared here, so empathetically (as a viewer) I will feel the same… What I want to feel during a horror movie... Fright. Consider keeping the lights off as she edges to the door to crack it open quietly (battling the creak) and take a peek into the hallway. By the way, nice atmospheric image of the slivers of light. And another good jump with the cat. Nice cliché. Consider the effect of a larger jump here if you were to use the suggested alterations. A slow build-up to the cat jump.  To quell her fears and ours perhaps she could mention that it was the cat the made all that banging and such. Lull us into safety for the upcoming real scares(?)

I like that you have a cool down period from the atmospheric scares of the bathroom bath stuff. I wonder if she watches TV and notices the reflection (again) of the blazer – sort of haunting her, or luring her to it. Then she gets up and tries it on. A small revision, again just recommended to build even more tension and atmosphere.

Even more atmosphere builds with the smell stuff. I like how she can’t open the door, but I wonder if this sort of supernatural logic should also apply to opening the window. What if the window was already open? For me, this would allow me to continue with my suspension of disbelief. I’d also excise her dialogue or alter it to 1 sentence, " I gotta get outta here.” Again, I wonder how can she open the door now. I assume it’s because the power of the blazer has been removed once it was chucked outside.

I like how Margot spots Jay at the bar. If you alter the earlier mentions of him (thus removing any dialogue about Jay). This would be a good reveal moment. Now we know what troubles her. maybe she says his name to Rayna  (or a good refer to earlier and she calls him “Asshole” like the caller ID) – and add something like she can’t believe he’s already moved on or whatever. Also, for me, the walk home would be more mysterious and scary if it was all atmosphere (I like what you did here) minus any dialogue. It’s not like I hate all this dialogue or something. I just feel like some of these moments would be more effective without any speaking, because we would be focus more on the atmospheric elements. I would also excise the dialogue (about Jay – I liked cat stuff) inside once she returns home. Just my thoughts, right.

Creepy stuff with the blazer inside again. Magically. It seems like once she says his name a portal is activated (?) allowing for his spirit to cross over (since it’s Halloween). I don’t know if Margot needs to get changed into comfy clothes while she waits for the Google results. I’d have the cat spooked (like it is already). She talks to the cat. Then checks search on Nathan Green. Cool details on the Internet. This builds fear. Then the reveal. Wow. That was effective. Nice staging of that reveal.

Hmm. I’m thinking Margot should be more independent here. I don’t like that she keeps trying to call others for help. I’d have her determined to solve this seemingly irrational fear on her own. Maybe she would try and call, feel ridiculous, hang up before call connects, and Google a way to stop the spirit (as is).

The –chase- was great. Again, atmosphere is a strong suit of yours. I really enjoyed the build-up for all these scares. This would be terrifying on screen. A good moment was with the matches. It reminded me of a similar moment in THE CONJURING (?).  I would have preferred if Margot defeated Nathan by burning the tag, rather than the sun coming up. How do I put this? I guess, it felt convenient. I like it when she is active. I want to see her actions be integral in his defeat. That is, if I understood correctly. Perhaps it just happened to coincide with sunrise. Afterall the script doesn't mention portal close time. I just assumed my conclusion based off of challenge parameters.

Some unnecessary dialogue. With a few alterations this could be even more effective.        *   *   *   (of 5)

 

Thank you so much to all who gave constructive reviews. Very glad some liked it. I know this strayed from the portal part of the challenge parameters but it's where the story went.

A couple of things...I had a blazer exactly like the one in the story. I bought it at a thrift store, in the men's department. I'm def not the only girl who does this...buys oversized jackets, sweaters, shirts in the men's dept.

I hated the google stuff also but had no idea how to handle her finding out info without it, since there was only one allowed to have dialog.

To those who said it should be a comedy...you know dang well that's a horribly mean thing to say to a writer. Eww.

A special thanks to Kham who said it scared the "blah" out of her.    

The rewrite is up. I took a lot of the constructive advice I was given. Thanks so much for that!! If anyone has more "constructive" advice, I'd love to hear it. I'll def be doing another rewrite.

Thank you Don for posting!!    

Hey, Marnie.

I reread it. It gave me chills again - just like the first time.

I noticed the changes - so this time she hears what she needs to hear from someone on the street. A nice coincidence but for this type of story I guess it fits. I especially liked the guide's creepy smile.

Maybe she could ask Rayana about the salt or looked it up in the book or something.

Could happen easily in New Orleans. I've lived there for a year - it's a ghost house upon a ghost house there, could bump to any sort of guide and it would be believable. And southern accent will fit her name - Margot.

Thanks for giving it another read Khamanna. Glad it creeped you out again. I agree, it could be New Orleans, it could be anywhere really. I live near a historic town in NJ that does ghost walks every weekend.  

The hardest part of this story for me, was how she would find out about a rotted smell being associated with an evil spirit, and then what to do to get rid of an evil spirit. It was way more difficult with only one person having dialog. That's why I didn't bother explaining the smell in the original. I just hoped people would remember it from movies like Amityville Horror and even The Conjuring.  

I had thought about having them do shots of tequila (with training wheels = salt & lime) at the bar and Rayna making a joke about using salt if the blazer was possessed. Then I could take that part out of what the tour guide says.

Are you going to work on yours anymore?

Hey Marnie

Spotted you had a new draft up.

With so many OWC I couldn't remember much of this, so let's see...

Bold slugs...I'm out

Actually I don't want to be a slug critic but I was thrown in the first scene as I couldn't see how I would know Rebecca has entered. The transition then lost me a touch. Easy fix no doubt.
How do the shoes move if he is elsewhere - were they connected? Just saying
'Okay fine.-- if you want a pause isn't ... The usual way. To me -- shows a cut off dialogue. God I'm getting fussy
What is the Lady was blind, but her face followed her as she walked past as if she could sense her? Spooky.
The guide days a lot. One to break up?

Got to go. I will finish later but if I don't post now my ramble will be lost.

Cheers

Thanks Bill...There were a couple things I had a hard time finding the right descriptions for...and you mentioned both of them. LOL.  

First, with her entering the apartment. I wanted the point of view to be outside the building. Like if the camera were to pan up, and you could see her from the outside, through the window. But then the camera would enter though the other window, into the dark bedroom. It looks still, you hear her moving around in the other room, then as she approaches the door, we realize there's someone under the bed.

Then, when she leans over and looks under the bed, there's nothing under it. But he's now standing on the opposite side. So she sees his shoes but nothing else. Then he takes a step, so she realizes its not just a pair of shoes, there is a man standing there.

Sometimes you get these vivid ideas in your head but there hard to translate into words. I guess that's pretty much writing in general.

If you have any suggestions I'd love to hear them.

I meant to crack this one open a while ago, but I haven't gotten around to it until now for some reason. Here goes - my thoughts:

I'm liking the atmosphere from the first scene on the street, good visuals.

The bedroom slug is backwards.

Quickly into the horror - This is quite an interesting scene, a grown man hiding under a bed going to strangle someone is a pretty effective scare. I'm just wondering how much steam there is in it. As soon as Rebecca steps into the house we learn from the camera angle that something's watching her, then that it's under the bed before she steps into the room, and not far from there that it's a man's hand. We're left with very little time to use our imagination while there is a lot of room for it. I think at least one of these things could be stretched to make the scare more effective. I'd go with the man's hand because the camera under the bed really does give a good spooky feel, it would leave us wondering what exactly is under the bed for a longer period of time. Then the man's feet when she looks under the bed would be a stronger payoff.

I like the time change through the street view.

End of page 5, I feel like the script is off to a strong start, you're holding the tension well and I enjoyed the cat scare. Using the same chuckle line as for Rebbeca was a nice touch too, whether you meant it or not. I don't think the dialogue isn't holding up as well, though. Three instances of Margot thinking out loud, what I would call lazy writing:

Quoted Text MARGOT I need a bath.

Quoted Text MARGOT Oh my god. What is that?

Quoted Text MARGOT Rayna�s right. I gotta get out of here for a while.

The first and the last would work imo if directed to the cat. I'm on the edge about this one as well:

Quoted Text MARGOT Sorry I�m late, Max. He got the car, I got the cat, so I take the bus.

The lines have a somewhat strange structure, but I feel as it works well. The part I feel is the weak link here is that she calls the cat Max then turns to 3rd person.

More good atmosphere with the OTT tour guide.

P8: Margot talking to herself again is weighing the script down a fair bit for me. This one is said in the phone call to Rayna afterwards so it is unnecessary anyway.

The "(softly) Nathan Green" and "Oh, thank god" I don't mind as much of the talking to herself moments, they sound more natural.

P10: A picture of Nathan Green being placed into a police car with handcuffs on as a Wikipedia picture? Somewhat improbable in my opinion and an overkill.

The stuff with the blazer when it started going walkabout was definitely unique, but for me, it just didn't work. I can see why some other comments said that this could be a spoof of a blazer wanting to be worn now.

Overall I enjoyed how the tension was held throughout the script while still being able to provide a good story & backstory for Margot. I very much liked the first pages, but the blazer moving itself around along with the smell was too much for my liking and my enjoyment gradually diminished towards the end, at least in the horror side of the story. I'd say the blazer being the item that Nathan has a connection to get to this world would be enough instead of it going walkabout, and being curled up like a ball to trip over. The reflection on the microwave that happened on page 4 could easily replace the smell for a conversation topic with Rayna in my opinion. It was never mentioned again after page 4, perhaps forgotten about?

I seem to have missed the significance of the old lady at the bus stop. I for one didn't figure out the purpose of her or that short scene in overall. I think the bar scene could easily work without the extras and especially, the guy pouring Rayna & Margot shots. She doesn't look like she's in the mood to party with anyone, especially with other men. Well yeah, it could easily be a co-worker or friend, but still. Them talking over a desk in one of the more quieter corners could be natural for the situation.

Margot's talking to herself moments almost wanted to make me turn the script off at one point, but hell, they're just a pretty big pet peeve of mine. In 15 pages there are 5 instances that I found unnatural. I brought the other 4 out above, the 5th I have in mind is the phone one.

The ending with the blazer ending up with Jay's items was great imo. If there was no smell that he could throw it away over, we could be more certain that he's going to have something coming.

Shame I didn't finish this during the OWC, would have been interesting to see what it was like with the parameters. Anyways, I hope my ramblings were of some help.

Hi, Marnie  

Nice rewrite.

I dunno if you're looking for structural, thematic, technical, punctuation & grammar, or contest submission sort of reviews, so I'll kinda dance around the structural & technical parts.

First - love the opening scene. It'll look great.

Pg3
Love the store's name: DEJA VU THRIFT SHOP
I grin every time I read that.

               She heads to the men's side. She runs her fingers across a row
               of men's jackets. Suddenly, she stops. Her fingers travel back
               and she pulls out a plaid blazer.

               She holds up the yellow, brown and black plaid blazer and
               studies it. She takes it off the hangar, inspects it.

The term "plaid blazer" back to back just kinda reads/sounds funny so close together.
For a screenplay as blueprint it doesn't even matter.
For a screenplay as contest submission simple alterations would smooth this out.

               She heads to the men's side, runs her fingers across a row
               of men's jackets. Suddenly, she stops. Her fingers travel back
               and she pulls out a blazer.

               She studies its yellow, brown and black plaid in appreciation,
               takes it off the hangar, inspects it.

Oh, and I'm a big fan of space saving commas rather than periods.  
Personal preference, of course.

Pg5
               Unable to tolerate the smell a second longer, she opens a
               window, chucks the blazer out, then slams the window shut

If she's going to "chuck the blazer out" symmetry would follow that she would  "slam the window shut."

To go backwards a little here, consider figuring out a notable "feature" inside Margot's apartment that makes it clear her apartment is the same one Nate murdered Rebecca Mills in fifty years earlier.
Some sort of damage that would go a half century without repair, maybe.
However, an approach might be as simple as the same mailbox number they both check on the way in "at a glass door next to MAIN STREET MARKET".
Or maybe Nate can be seen underneath Rebecca's bed either studying a flaw in the floor or using a nail to etch his initials into the baseboard. The same floor flaw or initial etch can be seen in Margot's bedroom on her way to the tub.

Pg6
Oh! Excellent tour guide dialog!
Nice working in of previously introduced elements.
Great having the challenge's constraints lifted!
Like taking a 34C bra off 36D boobs. "I'm FREE! I'm FREE!" LOL!

Pg7
               Utterly gutted, Margot stands frozen. Rayna sees Jay, looks at
               Margot sympathetically. It's too much.

Could be followed with:
                              RAYNA
                         Of all the gin joints in all
                         of Baltimore...

               Pushing her way through the crowd, Margot heads for the door,
               making brief, painful eye contact with Jay.

               Rayna detours to Jay, angry "You know what?!" finger pointed
               at his face.

Pg10
               Nervously she lifts them higher, higher then -- she sees the
               blazer. Slowly emerging from the darkness inside is the menacing
               face of Nathan Green. It looks up at her.

If a director can effectively execute that shot - that will look very cool.  

Pg11
               There's a loud bang on the door. Startled, she jumps, knocks back
               the bath salts jar.

                              MARGOT
                         Salt. Salt, salt, salt--
                         A barrier of salt will protect  
                         you well while you work this
                         magic and condemn them to hell.

               
               Another bang, then another. The door shakes.

               Margot turns, grabs her bath salts, quickly pours some
               under the door. It stops shaking.

               She pours the remaining salts on the window ledge.

Pg12

               INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
               Rifling through cabinets and drawers, Margot arms herself with
               salt, a few votive candles and matches.

The funny part is Margot escapes the bathroom but doesn't get the hell out of the house.  
No. She stands to defend her turf.  Funny.

Clarify in the dining room that she grabs the TABLE salt from the table or cupboard, not the bath salts.
Unless you want to amend that when she ran from the bathroom that she brought the bath salts with her.

Pg14
Okay, so the tag floated down and missed the candle - Margot has not burned something of the "evil spirit" = evil spirit of Nate still a go.
She tosses the blazer into Jay's box... and she's good with Nate likely killing Jay at some point.
Cool. I'm good with that decision.
But please provide a sensible reason in the story for Margot's murder two of Jay. What's her moral justification?

Gah!

Just occurred to me - Make the pg3 creepy Staring Old Lady and the pg6 Ghost Tour Guide the same character - either one, doesn't matter.




For bonus creep - have her/him in the opening sequence looking exactly the same, creeping out poor Ms Mills.

The logline to this one was one of the few that intrigued me enough to read. Sadly, I never had the time during the OWC, but I had a few minutes today...and since you are a fellow Guinness lover...  

I liked this one and think you did a great job with it. The story is solid. The only thng I would've liked to see a little differently is the action writing towards the end. I think you can trim it up and make it zip along faster so we better "feel" the panic and horror.  

Love bold slugs! Everyone should use them!  Lol!

Ok, gonna get nitpicky here because you might have missed a few things since this is a rewrite.

Page 1.    "It�s door opens."

Nice and creepy with the man under the bed!

Page 2.     IMHO, I would've added "the sound of the front door". The way it reads now is more of a visual than a sound clue. In other words, I read it as the location had changed. We were either seeing the door from inside the foyer or outside.

Page 3.     You could emphasize the jacket a little more when it's first mentioned in the killing scene so we know to pay attention to its characteristics more.

"Sorry I'm late, Max. He got the car,
I got the cat, so I take the bus."

Just my opinion, but I think it would work better as

Sorry I'm late, Max. He got the car,
I got you, so I take the bus.

It reads less like a V.O. and since she's talking to him.

Page 4.     Since this is horror, sounds are important. Why not write

BANG! BANG! BANG! From the other room.

Margot's eyes pop open.

Not telling you how to do things, just offering suggestions.

Page 5.     To better show us how bad the blazer smells, you can have Margot act like she smells too now. Maybe even need another bath. Show us her smelling herself and be disgusted. Unless ofcourse, she still smells like a rose.

Page 8.     Something crashes to the floor in the living room.  

I think you can cut her dialogue where she talks to herself. Works better if you show us how she thinks she's being paranoid.

Page 11.   Good use of the bath salts. Nice set-up.

Page 14.   Nice ending. I would've already put the blazer in one of the boxes. He was rude by saying, try not to be a bitch, so that's when I would've decided to hand him the jacket. Not after I see the jacket hanging over a chair.

Very nice work!  

WOW! Thanks so much you guys! I'm not a horror writer so these suggestions are very helpful.

I def need to take out some of her solo dialog. It was in there for the challenge and sorta forgot to take some out. It's one of my pet peeves too.

Seriously great suggestions. I was thinking of changing the smell to moths. I thought the smell would be easier to film though.

Ray..freakin great idea making the bus lady the tour guide. I knew there was a reason I was keeping that bus ride in there. I almost took it out a bunch of times because it doesn't add anything. I think DS mentioned that and I totally agree. But now it will mean something...even if we don't know why.

I will absolutely add more sounds too, Pia.

You guys have given me so much to think about. I truly appreciate it.

I used one of my biggest fears for this...someone hiding under my bed.

I didn't read Ray's or anyone else's comments, but that is a great suggestion to have the bus lady be the tour guide too, even if it doesn't lead to anything. It's still a creepy visual.

Quoted from mmmarnie The hardest part of this story for me, was how she would find out about a rotted smell being associated with an evil spirit, and then what to do to get rid of an evil spirit. It was way more difficult with only one person having dialog.

THe smell explanation was an excellent addition. I really appreciated that moment.

Quoted from mmmarnie Are you going to work on yours anymore?

I posted the rewrite and asked Don to update the script  as well. But I sent Don my dropbox link - probably should have sent in the script. I'll see what he says. If there's an update I'll post again inviting people to read it.

Hey Marnie

I pop back in and see you've ha d a load of reads.

Carrying on...

One of the chaleknegers will be to make this stand out and not appear a well trodden road. The script works well and their is a decent sense of menace to it.

I like the salt part. Simple and effective.

I also loved the end, passing the blazer to asshole. Good.

Yeah, the creepy lady needs reference and Rays idea of using her elsewhere is good. We all need to avoid loose ends.

Cat - anything happen to that. In fact could you use something else? Parrot? Always talks. Now it doesn't except it says NATHAN! NATHAN - creepy

Daylight rescuing her, I was a bit so so on that. Could she hit the blinds on purpose? IE earn her life?

All the best