SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 7:11am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Trapped - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Trapped - OWC  (currently 3831 views)
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
817
Posts Per Day
0.19
*spoilers*

Not poorly written, just clunky. An exciting read here, with many images that are just larger than life. Michael's life is a wreck. No food, no woman, and only one beer left. It's cliche, but I thought the scene with the flash of light was cool. As he advances into the forest, it was a jarring transistion to the otherside. But this is fantasy.

In the end, I'm glad this change happens within Michael, so that was good. But it needs some sort of connection via the journey he just took, otherwise again - cliche. Overall, interesting and imaginative.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 23
LC
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 3:16am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7582
Posts Per Day
1.34
Maybe I missed something but I don't get why he didn't just take his beer and head home.  Why does if even go into the forest? I suppose it's a bit like the ol' 'I'll be right back' in horror movies where they always go and investigate and they really shouldn't.

Some nice images and horror tropes (the old woman in the rocking chair) and a little bit of a TwilightZone feel to this, but overall a little discombobulated.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 23
DustinBowcot
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 4:17am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I did try reading this a couple of days ago. It is badly handled so I put it down. I read all the way through this morning and I still feel the same way. The writing is OK, the story doesn't do anything for me at all. The dialogue is really, really bad. Lot of work to do here, IMO.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 17 - 23
Kyle
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 6:35am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Dorset
Posts
103
Posts Per Day
0.03
Some of the action was hard to follow and a bit repetitive. In one page you use either 'startled' or 'confused' four times. You also use the same character description twice in a nine page script. 'WOMAN. Gaunt, yet attractive.'

The dialogue also needs work. He says 'What the hell' a lot and doesn't seem to react very well to what's going on around him. For example after 'a flash of light and a crack in the air. BOOM!' and 'He is no longer in the forest. He is now standing on a gloomy urban street lined with decrepit buildings. Overcast skies impose a tepid glow.' his reaction is 'Hello? Anyone? What’s going on? I heard a noise?'.  

The writer's clearly got a good imagination. I enjoyed a lot of it. The bit when the 'trick or treater's' ring the doorbell and he turns the lights off and heads to the basement, stuck out. It says a lot about the character in three lines of action. But as a whole, I found it hard to get into the story because of the things mentioned above.

Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 23
wonkavite
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I give the writer credit for creativity... but this one didn't quite work for me.  The writing was simple and straightforward (with the dialogue perhaps a bit too simple).  But it felt like the story just started to wander.  And bringing in Linda so late in the story was jarring for me.  If she'd been set up from the beginning, that'd be different. Mike *could* end up being an interesting, sympathetic character... there's a kernel there.  But it needs to be developed.

Best and cheers,

--J (W)
Logged
e-mail Reply: 19 - 23
Dreamscale
Posted: November 5th, 2014, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



11 more to go, still..I thought I was much closer to the finish line.

So, as I go-type notes...

Opening passage is poorly and awkwardly written.  But, more importantly, it's written totally and unnecessarily as direction on exactly how the scene should be filmed.  This is 99% of the time a big mistake, and definitely a mistake here.

We're in an INT CAR scene, yet the 2nd passage is all about things that are EXT, outside the car.  Can it be filmed this way?  Of course, but again, why do you feel the need to try and direct the shots?

Writing is not good, sorry to say.  It's not terrible, but the complete lack of anything intersting happening and sterile writing is making this a tough go.

Ah, the old "forest" right behind the corner store, huh?  I see...

Page 2 - Michael's dialogue at the top of the page is reason enough to exit immedtiately, but I'll try and stick around.

Oh boy, this next line may be about it..."He enters the forest, six pack in hand."

OK, so the 6 pack drops from his hand and "shatters", huh?  Like all 6 beers?

Well, I'm sorry, but that's about it, as these scantily clad and gaunt women are appearing and old Michael's talking like a cartoon character in a Scobby Doo video.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 20 - 23
nawazm11
Posted: November 5th, 2014, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
945
Posts Per Day
0.21
Describe the car and its year if it's an older model as you say. Going into these specifics isn't as bad as people think.

"Hello? Hello? Anyone there?" Dialogue like this -- avoid it. I know I've been guilty of it a few times before, but it becomes repetitive. One hello should suffice. The screw it is even worse, show us visually. "He waves it off, looks unsure" Just an example I made up on the spot, so don't take it too literally.

Again, that dialogue, it's just no good, he seems like a lost puppy barking for help. 95% of the stuff coming out of his mouth feels as if it's taken out of some cheesy B-movie slasher. It doesn't work for me unfortunately.

Is it on purpose? It seems to be getting more and more absurd the further I read.

Well, the first thing I would suggest is to cut out all of the dialogue and see if the story flows without it. You'll hopefully see that it does. Besides that, the story feels a little thin at the moment, there's not much other than what's shown on the surface, except maybe the ending (I'm a fan of setups and payoffs) but I don't think that's enough to redeem it. It would work had the story been half its size, but something as simple as this doesn't really need to be extended this long without good reason. A lot of running back and forth, a lot of strange dialogue, but it could work if you get out the chainsaw and start cutting.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 23
RayW
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Freedom

Location
About a thousand years from now.
Posts
1821
Posts Per Day
0.36
36.  Trapped by Bud Wiser - A man trying to avoid Halloween has to help a horde escape their entrapment.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Trapped’ I’m expecting something pretty much just like that, maybe something a little humorous or ironic about it.
Mundane beginning. Maybe I’m trapped?! AHHHHH!!!! Just joking.
Got interesting real fast. Darn set ups.  
Cool wraith.
Poor ol’ Mike’s been drinking that new PCP beer!
Warning: Entering abandoned store’s back room = entering horror cliche.
At the old woman “MIKE BE TRIPPIN’ BALLZ!” LOL!
And the hits just keep rollin’ in! Nice. Random, but nice.

Code

The woman nods, motions to the horde, makes the walking
motion with her fingers, points to Michael, mimes the door.

MICHAEL
I need to lead you the door. You
need me to open it.
(understanding)
You’re trapped here. Oh my God. And
I’m going to be trapped-- unless I
find that door. We have to find
that door! We--



Ho-lee sheet. Is little Johnny trapped in the well, too, Lassie?! Just playin’, writer. I don’t mean disrespect.

Alright! That was (sincerely) a nice ending.
Glad Mike turned his miserable life around.
Good story. Thank you.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- None.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 22 - 23
Abe from LA
Posted: November 8th, 2014, 2:24am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Downey, California
Posts
556
Posts Per Day
0.08
Not for me. As another writer said, the story seemed created on the fly. The writing isn't bad, but the dialogue was. There's no subtext or meaning behind a lot of what comes out of Michael's mouth.
It got a bit confusing for me with the different women popping up.
So in the end, Michael gets a second chance?
The dude gets the treat instead of the trick? OK, not a bad ending. The story still needs work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 23
 Pages: « 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    October 2014 One Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006