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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Halloween Hijack - OWC
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  Author    Halloween Hijack - OWC  (currently 4185 views)
Don
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Halloween Hijack by Javar Van Helsing - Short, Horror - A troubled kid has no patience for the Halloween spirit.  (PG) - pdf, format


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Ryan1
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 9:14pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't care for this one.  Sort of a hybrid Christmas Carol/Goosebumps offering.  Lawrence was a highly unlikable kid, and it was unclear to me what lesson, if any, the ghosts or demons were trying to teach him.  The story had kind of an episodic, halting pace to it where we jumped from one setting to another without much explanation why.  Lawrence never seem scared in the least, so as a reader this doesn't exactly make me want to keep turning pages.  I did make it to the end, though, but I didn't quite the understand the point of it.
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c m hall
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS
I like the determination of this story, it trudges through Halloween, over The Christmas Carol and smashes back into Halloween again.  Lawrence is a good character, he's up to the tasks and challenges.  This could be an entertaining film, the ending has charm but keeps the sharp edge IMHO.  Good job.
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Last Fountain
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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Traditional horror elements. IT'S A dark & twisted WONDERFUL LIFE.

good setting up the household environment. I felt like I was there. I like how you handled the 1 speaker with muffled voices from another time.  The shackles were really creepy. I liked the traditional horror elements,  like the sheet ghost and the pursuit of a strange sound scene. Tap tap.

I like the gratuitous T & A, but his joke fell flat. Maybe his eyes bug out or he gulps or something.  The morbid seduction stuff was freaky. Reminds me of THE SHINING. There was a lot of talking to himself. When recognizes kid, maybe "Billy" or something would sound less hokey.

I guess by the end this is a tale of morality. I'm not used to horror with a happy ending. It's a weird mix of emotions there. For me, horror isn't happy, with nicely tied together endings. An enjoyable atmospheric traditional horror story that shows how mistakes can be corrected.

Good empathy. Classical elements. A good reimagining of CHRISTMAS CAROL territory.    *  *  (out of 5)


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rendevous
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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I'm all for a bit of poetic writing for a change. However, 'Trick or Treaters sprinkle the night.' - it could sound to certain people, like me for instance, they are going around piddling everywhere. I hope not. There's quite enough of that about as it is.

'But Lawrence masks his fear with a squint and sits up, like a real man should.'

Eh? Is it the 1950s?

I found myself skimming after a while. I didn't enjoy it. So I'll leave it there.

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khamanna
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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I think you could trim your story a little.

You're going in rounds in the middle - Lawrence touches the lamp... Lawrence touches the bat. Someone goes through him - there's a lot of unnecessary action/detail, that keept me from getting into the story.

I like the idea of Demon or something teaching Lawrence a lesson - letting him see what's to become of him if he won't try to avoid it. At firts I thought it was about a house abuse and it's not. I'm glad it's not. However, I'm thinking that the script is misleading and I'm thinking it could be more straightforward in that sense IMO.
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EWall433
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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I’ll be honest, the writing in this one made it hard to get into. It was a bit of a slog, I was missing set-ups and plot points, but then I realized the concept...

“A Halloween Carol”. That’s actually damn brilliant if you can execute it properly. Marketable too. Lawrence and Manny work well as your Scrooge and Tiny Tim characters. Maybe a deceased friend who used to jack candy with Lawrence can be your Jacob Marley. Just go through a Christmas Carol and try to match beats. Don’t worry about dialogue limits and leave a little room for changes. Perhaps a darker ending where, instead of being shown his future, the third ghost informs Lawrence that he has no future, then dispatches him.

I suppose I’m doing a page one rewrite here, but I think that’s the best direction to go. The concept deserves it. Good luck with it. I hope you pursue this one.
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Last Fountain
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Writer... I agree with EWall. This is worth revising, without dialogue restrictions. Look to their notes for inspiration.  Gather the positive feedback from everyone. This is a good concept. A CAROL FOR HALLOW'S EVE. Good luck...


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mmmarnie
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this story idea but it was too long. I think this is def worth trimming down a few pages. I hated Lawrence then ended up feeling bad for him, so good job there. I liked the scene of his mother and father fighting, you handled that well.

So maybe a few pages off and some smoother writing. It went on so long that when I got to the end, I had to go back to page one because I had to remind myself what happened. Oh yeah...Bold slugs, fine. Bolding characters names? NO, NO, NO

I did like it though.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hijack.

Sorry for this being short but I'm tired, it's getting late and my kids are kicking off. Am I gary?

Anyway, yeah I found this hard to get through. Really could do with a trim and lighten up.

A Halloween carol - I've seen that concept before, doesn't mean it's bad, just you may need to add an extra bit of spice to make it jump out, but otherwise it's got potential.


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Stumpzian
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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I found it hard to track the story. Tighten the writing, sharpen the focus. The first time through, I didn't know what the heck had happened.



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Blakkwolfe
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hello! An interesting concept, combining A Christmas Carol standards with a gritty, Halloween experience. Some of the descriptions a bit heavy with things that can't be filmed and the story itself is a bit hard to follow. Glad Lawrence saw the error of his ways in the end!


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 6:06am Report to Moderator
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There are too many characters and not enough dialogue. I'm finding it a real drag to get through. Cut down the characters and the story.... keep it simple. This could be great. Don't make me steal it off you.
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CoopBazinga
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“Trick or Treaters sprinkle the night.” Huh?

“his messy hair” How do we see his messy hair when he’s wearing a rubber mask? Maybe it’s see-through? I imagined it as black for some reason.

“into his bedroom.” But we’re in the living room?

“Fairy Princess Halloween bag” Oh really Lawrence, stealing from a little girl. Are you trying to make Lawrence unlikeable? I’m unsure?  He steals from little kids, yet he takes care of his drunken dad. I’m still trying to figure this kid out; a bad upbringing has led him down the wrong path.

“lays” lies – small detail really.

Yes, a proper sheet ghost, they just need to cut little eye holes out for the figure.

Watch out for “it’s” when it should be its.

“like a real man should.” I don’t get this? Real men just sit up, no baseball bat or anything.

“looses” loses. A few little typos spread around.

“eyes a bat in the corner of the room” I knew that bat was coming.

“Down the long dark hall are doorways” we’re still the bedroom though – might need to change the slug here.

“Lawrence musters the courage to step off the bed.” He was still on the bed – how did he just see all that?

This is like a twisted “A Christmas Carol” at the moment. I’m guessing this is a memory from his childhood?

“His bat lies in the corner.” But I thought that was in the bedroom? There is some serious slug issues going on here. Maybe you’re getting confused.

“peaks” peeks, there’s two like this on the same page – easy mistake but I must admit that writing is unfortunately hurting the story for me at the moment.

“which is conveniently in front of the closet door.” That is convenient – it was in the living room before – this bat moves more than any of the characters.

“TAP. TAP. TAP... goes the door again.” Sounds like it came straight from a children’s book – I’m losing interest in the story at the moment – let’s hope for a big ending.

“No other weapons. But he grabs a pillow.” A pillow! Really, that’s the best weapon he could find? What about the empty beer bottle?

“looking at those legs,  I'm not too sure I want you out.” Milk chocolate legs, and now this line – I’m really clinging on now.

“milky eyes.” Milk legs and eyes – maybe this demon is actually the Milky Way Kid.

“Some Christmas Carol bullshit?” He got there in the end, I figured that out pages ago.

“Lawrence stares at the candy and licks his lips as she passes him -- but he shakes the feeling off.” I had to laugh at this line – this could be seen in the wrong light, but it’s also funny to think of this kid so addicted to candy that he has to shake the feeling off.

“awat” Bad typo on the last page.

This is one of those unfortunate cases of the writing hurting the read, and it did for me I’m afraid. There are quite a few mistakes running around that makes it impossible to ignore.

The story didn’t work for me at all, although I did like Lawrence’s dad changing his ways – must admit that I didn’t understand why he did? It’s not like he got the visit from the milky demon, sheet ghost, or the little kids.

And in saying that, the ending actually makes that redundant anyway because I think time goes back to the beginning so poor old Lawrence’s life isn’t any different, right? I guess he can change his ways now and not steal kids candy – that felt like such a trivial thing for a demon to come down to address though.

I had a feeling this was going to root into his mother’s death (if she’s dead?) and turn his life around, because he’ll see how those terrible things in the past shaped him and now it’s up to Lawrence to change his ways, but no – he stole candy so the demon comes down to make sure he doesn’t do it again – I thought the demon would be all for it to be honest, I thought they like that kind of thing, you know, stealing and all.

Yeah, this may be a good story but the clunky writing and slug issues kinda spoiled the ride for me so it was impossible to tell, the constant use of “hallway” and “door” made it difficult to follow at times  – needs work to fulfill any potential.
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dbm
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I don't think Gary can shout. Isn't that dialog?

Man, you are into legs, huh?

Ok, I have no idea what's going on here. I got it through the parent stuff but wtf is going on in his room and why?

Oh, little Lawrence was him as a kid? Didn't get that.

Hmm-- 15 yr old leering at 12 yr old girl...

The end lost me with the girl and the chains.

Overall, there's something here, but the writing was kind of heavy and slow. Good concept though.
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