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More like character intro hijack. Bold? I’m trying not to read comments before posting but already I can see this unsettling a few. Who knows, maybe it’ll catch on...
Got to be a better way to cue the reader to Gary being Lawrence’s father rather than a tell in the action.
p.2 -- so Lawrence is watching TV? I’d introduce that sooner.
‘Destined to be something repulsive’. -- not sure that’s really needed.
The whole Manny episode tugged a heart-string or two but I’d need more convincing that a 15 year old would care about candy that much. Seems a stretch. Perhaps if it were presented as more opportunistic?
So the final ghost gave Lawrence a Halloween do-over? Not a bad spin on A Christmas Carol but wouldn’t that undo the whole can-opener apology from the father? I guess it’d come right again though…
At one point the rules of your ghost world seemed inconsistent -- Lawrence could touch some things and not others. Got to pick a rule and stick to it.
Other than that there’s an element of horror to the second ghost (the first one seemed a little too Scooby Doo). An upbeat ending made a change. A few areas to tighten up but the story pulled me in and made me care for the characters so that’s a plus.
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Kinda like "Shameless", I thought the presentation of Lawerence's life was enjoyably taboo. There were many lines that told instead of showed, and only reinerates what we already know about Gary being a hot mess.
A chuckled at the uncrossing of the legs bit. Good premise, although the theme didn't hit me. But did well with stuff like the bottle of Jack and the can opener. It kinda felt like the lesson here was undeservingly on Lawerence's shoulders. And I can't say I fully got the shackling at the end. Overall, it could be revisted and polished.
The 'shout' is definitely not dialogue in my book, and I think you did pretty well with the one character/one dialogue rule. You also nailed the atmosphere and conditions of the place. Good job.
Overall, it's a little long winded and perhaps you could get to the point sooner but a bit of editing will fix that. Nice character arc for your main character too.
I'll agree with the other posters here. Definitely a fun concept: a Halloween Christmas Carol or It's a Wonderful Life. But the story does need to be clarified considerably. There are sparks of talent here. (Unlike most others, I actually liked the phrase "sprinkle the night.") But I'd say give this one a restructing and rewrite after the OWC is over... make it clearer. Tighter. More straightforward.
I think this could have played out exceptional if it was done with an old world flair, which is delivered in the same time setting as the original Christmas Carol, dialog, etc. It would really be something fun you could play around with, such as;
"You may be an undigested bit of crunchy apple, a blot of caramel, a crumb of cookie, a fragment of underdone nut loaf. There's more of candy than of canes about you, whatever you are!"
If I only had one gripe, it would be that Lawrence revealed unto the reader that this was going the way of the Christmas Carol. I kind of liked that it was going there but I hadn't yet figured out what was transpiring. I think Lawrence should just take it in strides, a simpleton, with no indication of there ever being a ghost of past, present, or future. Actually, they would/could be the... Psychopomps of Halloween past, present and future... holy sh*t, I just blew my own mind, lol.
Dude, you gotta roll with this and work it into something bigger, it's an original and fun concept.
Your writing is terribly unspecific. Home made halloween costume? Rubber mask? Who are they dressed as? It doesn't really have to be a film character, but I can't really imagine anything about them as of yet.
A five feet tall figure? Hmmm, maybe it's just me, but I'd knock little shit straight down to the ground.
Guess Lawrence and I think the same.
A lot of these scripts seem to share these drop dead model-looking characters, maybe that's what the fantasy genre brings out in all of us .
Oh, damn, I think I spoke too soon...
Few mistakes on the last page that I noticed, reads a little rushed.
Not bad, I think there's a certain quality to it, and I think it's definitely worth revising in the future. The story, at least for me, worked to an extent, but we kind of jumped around aimlessly and it was hard to catch some of the subtext and plot building. Dialogue would help after the OWC ends, as would more interaction between the characters. It's a good effort, and there are plenty of good suggestions in the comments. I quite like it regardless though.
14. Halloween Hijack by Javar Van Helsing - A troubled kid has no patience for the Halloween spirit.
Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”
With a title like ‘Halloween Hijack’ I’m expecting a figurative and not literal hijacking of some sort. Hope this goes well. Beer cans that require can openers?! 1970s? Miserable start, but the ghost part starts to make it a good deal better. Interesting turn of events with the ghost shackles. Oh, it was just a dream until midway? Gotcha. Pre-poptop beer cans + VCR = big anachronisms. Ah, the ghost chains again, but this time the demon, not the ghost, pulls them. Alright. This does look a lot more like “A Halloween Carol.” Eh… That was a little heavy handed on the morality scale, but otherwise a good enough story.
Suggested construct alternatives: - Get to the ghost part on page one. - Lawrence’s initial convo with the demon is painful. Just keep it straight, no man-boy jive. - The story’s flow would be better if somehow the ghost & demon chain thing synched together better rather than being one thing first then another thing later.
"looking at those legs, I'm not too sure I want you out."
Anyhow, that's not a way a 15 year old speaks.
I'm not sure about the tone you bring inside:
"Never mind, I want you out! I want you out!"
When you choose to let him say many words like "never mind" (such as in both dialogue blocks above, and some more), in this situation; and the demon should be truly horrifying; that doesn't work. By his coolness, his charm toward the supernatural, it's getting satirical. He's not fighting for survival anymore in my eyes. So, what's it about. If it should be like the satiric parts of a Horror B-movie than it's not enough with regards to the boring Setting and characters.
Manny's homemade costume should be described qick and clear from the start.
"I jacked a few kids for their candy tonight."
Why don't show it. I found the first scene quite uninspired and now I finally understand, with looking back, that Lawrence came back with Manny's sweets. Since there was nothing happening I thought they just met to collect some sweets (O.S.) which Lawrence actually brings home later.
LAWRENCE I'm not going anywhere with you. "Don't steal from kids on Halloween" Lesson learned. Now get me home.
That's again what I meant above. If Lawrence doesn't fear the demon, why should I fear for Lawrence. Who cares -- You go slasher or comedy horror that way without really showing one of those both subgenres in ist qualities. So, it's anyhow not focused in its tone.
A lot of dialogue forced constructed stuff is going on too. Sorry, but all those parts are noticeable. Cut it to a minimum.
As you see, I would rethink the whole act 1 and 2. I've almost only quoted the dialogue, but also the story doesn't work at all for me. It's too unfocused, jumbled, demon-mother, shadow,... I think you get me.
And now - the ultimately surprising stuff, the big PRO, and I'm so happy to say that:
I like what you do in the end. I enjoyed those last pages very much. The ending even makes me think if there's a very good short story inside. I made a lot of negative points before - the end is a flowing great stuff throughout. Reminds me of the specific, overwhelming power this part of storytelling got. Hope this feedback helps.
In this story, a 15-year-old does speak like that.
Indeed, in this stoy a 15 year old does so.
To me, it reads too experienced. In any case. If he has the bravery to flirt around to a women with 15, it's a kind of cheeky same time, which is fine, but then he couldn't speak with linguistic skills.
Either he has experiences in life or he has focused on education.
Here's a total package a boy's of his age haven't control over. Maybe with 18 if he's damn smart.
But again: In this story, a 15-year-old does speak like that.
I think I already put enough IMOs behind my sentences...
Either he has experiences in life or he has focused on education.
Education doesn't have to be taught it can be simply learned. It's quite possible to have lots of life experiences whilst gaining an academic education at the same time. One always has time to read.
Education doesn't have to be taught it can be simply learned. It's quite possible to have lots of life experiences whilst gaining an academic education at the same time. One always has time to read.
Yes, you're right. Education could also mean to read, or to listen to someone. That all definitely needs time, focus, education is a calm prodcedure from its nature, imo, so how could he be so offensive on the other side... But no doubt it's possible, Dustin, I agree.
Here's the part of the story and how I saw it.
-- Lawrence's attention darts to a dark corner of the room where a WOMAN sits in a chair, in a long black dress with a slit on the side exposing her lengthy milk chocolate legs...
LAWRENCE ....And I don't know how you got in here, but to be honest, looking at those legs, I'm not too sure I want you out.
When he repeats what he sees with saying: looking at those legs - this is adult's rhetoric to me. You might disagree, but for me it's like talking around like an adult, repeating obvious things is a very stylistic procedure of delivery; also kind of thinking and speaking patiently like that.
Your argument he has those skills could be resulting from reading is a good one and make me think. But in the end I saw this 15 year old boy in his bedroom lying in his bed full of Halloween sweet wrappers. Maybe he's really this guy you described- but I didn't see him.
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