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Didn't care for this one. Sort of a hybrid Christmas Carol/Goosebumps offering. Lawrence was a highly unlikable kid, and it was unclear to me what lesson, if any, the ghosts or demons were trying to teach him. The story had kind of an episodic, halting pace to it where we jumped from one setting to another without much explanation why. Lawrence never seem scared in the least, so as a reader this doesn't exactly make me want to keep turning pages. I did make it to the end, though, but I didn't quite the understand the point of it.
SPOILERS I like the determination of this story, it trudges through Halloween, over The Christmas Carol and smashes back into Halloween again. Lawrence is a good character, he's up to the tasks and challenges. This could be an entertaining film, the ending has charm but keeps the sharp edge IMHO. Good job.
Traditional horror elements. IT'S A dark & twisted WONDERFUL LIFE.
good setting up the household environment. I felt like I was there. I like how you handled the 1 speaker with muffled voices from another time. The shackles were really creepy. I liked the traditional horror elements, like the sheet ghost and the pursuit of a strange sound scene. Tap tap.
I like the gratuitous T & A, but his joke fell flat. Maybe his eyes bug out or he gulps or something. The morbid seduction stuff was freaky. Reminds me of THE SHINING. There was a lot of talking to himself. When recognizes kid, maybe "Billy" or something would sound less hokey.
I guess by the end this is a tale of morality. I'm not used to horror with a happy ending. It's a weird mix of emotions there. For me, horror isn't happy, with nicely tied together endings. An enjoyable atmospheric traditional horror story that shows how mistakes can be corrected.
Good empathy. Classical elements. A good reimagining of CHRISTMAS CAROL territory. * * (out of 5)
I'm all for a bit of poetic writing for a change. However, 'Trick or Treaters sprinkle the night.' - it could sound to certain people, like me for instance, they are going around piddling everywhere. I hope not. There's quite enough of that about as it is.
'But Lawrence masks his fear with a squint and sits up, like a real man should.'
Eh? Is it the 1950s?
I found myself skimming after a while. I didn't enjoy it. So I'll leave it there.
You're going in rounds in the middle - Lawrence touches the lamp... Lawrence touches the bat. Someone goes through him - there's a lot of unnecessary action/detail, that keept me from getting into the story.
I like the idea of Demon or something teaching Lawrence a lesson - letting him see what's to become of him if he won't try to avoid it. At firts I thought it was about a house abuse and it's not. I'm glad it's not. However, I'm thinking that the script is misleading and I'm thinking it could be more straightforward in that sense IMO.
I’ll be honest, the writing in this one made it hard to get into. It was a bit of a slog, I was missing set-ups and plot points, but then I realized the concept...
“A Halloween Carol”. That’s actually damn brilliant if you can execute it properly. Marketable too. Lawrence and Manny work well as your Scrooge and Tiny Tim characters. Maybe a deceased friend who used to jack candy with Lawrence can be your Jacob Marley. Just go through a Christmas Carol and try to match beats. Don’t worry about dialogue limits and leave a little room for changes. Perhaps a darker ending where, instead of being shown his future, the third ghost informs Lawrence that he has no future, then dispatches him.
I suppose I’m doing a page one rewrite here, but I think that’s the best direction to go. The concept deserves it. Good luck with it. I hope you pursue this one.
Writer... I agree with EWall. This is worth revising, without dialogue restrictions. Look to their notes for inspiration. Gather the positive feedback from everyone. This is a good concept. A CAROL FOR HALLOW'S EVE. Good luck...
I really liked this story idea but it was too long. I think this is def worth trimming down a few pages. I hated Lawrence then ended up feeling bad for him, so good job there. I liked the scene of his mother and father fighting, you handled that well.
So maybe a few pages off and some smoother writing. It went on so long that when I got to the end, I had to go back to page one because I had to remind myself what happened. Oh yeah...Bold slugs, fine. Bolding characters names? NO, NO, NO
Sorry for this being short but I'm tired, it's getting late and my kids are kicking off. Am I gary?
Anyway, yeah I found this hard to get through. Really could do with a trim and lighten up.
A Halloween carol - I've seen that concept before, doesn't mean it's bad, just you may need to add an extra bit of spice to make it jump out, but otherwise it's got potential.
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Hello! An interesting concept, combining A Christmas Carol standards with a gritty, Halloween experience. Some of the descriptions a bit heavy with things that can't be filmed and the story itself is a bit hard to follow. Glad Lawrence saw the error of his ways in the end!
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
There are too many characters and not enough dialogue. I'm finding it a real drag to get through. Cut down the characters and the story.... keep it simple. This could be great. Don't make me steal it off you.
“his messy hair” How do we see his messy hair when he’s wearing a rubber mask? Maybe it’s see-through? I imagined it as black for some reason.
“into his bedroom.” But we’re in the living room?
“Fairy Princess Halloween bag” Oh really Lawrence, stealing from a little girl. Are you trying to make Lawrence unlikeable? I’m unsure? He steals from little kids, yet he takes care of his drunken dad. I’m still trying to figure this kid out; a bad upbringing has led him down the wrong path.
“lays” lies – small detail really.
Yes, a proper sheet ghost, they just need to cut little eye holes out for the figure.
Watch out for “it’s” when it should be its.
“like a real man should.” I don’t get this? Real men just sit up, no baseball bat or anything.
“looses” loses. A few little typos spread around.
“eyes a bat in the corner of the room” I knew that bat was coming.
“Down the long dark hall are doorways” we’re still the bedroom though – might need to change the slug here.
“Lawrence musters the courage to step off the bed.” He was still on the bed – how did he just see all that?
This is like a twisted “A Christmas Carol” at the moment. I’m guessing this is a memory from his childhood?
“His bat lies in the corner.” But I thought that was in the bedroom? There is some serious slug issues going on here. Maybe you’re getting confused.
“peaks” peeks, there’s two like this on the same page – easy mistake but I must admit that writing is unfortunately hurting the story for me at the moment.
“which is conveniently in front of the closet door.” That is convenient – it was in the living room before – this bat moves more than any of the characters.
“TAP. TAP. TAP... goes the door again.” Sounds like it came straight from a children’s book – I’m losing interest in the story at the moment – let’s hope for a big ending.
“No other weapons. But he grabs a pillow.” A pillow! Really, that’s the best weapon he could find? What about the empty beer bottle?
“looking at those legs, I'm not too sure I want you out.” Milk chocolate legs, and now this line – I’m really clinging on now.
“milky eyes.” Milk legs and eyes – maybe this demon is actually the Milky Way Kid.
“Some Christmas Carol bullshit?” He got there in the end, I figured that out pages ago.
“Lawrence stares at the candy and licks his lips as she passes him -- but he shakes the feeling off.” I had to laugh at this line – this could be seen in the wrong light, but it’s also funny to think of this kid so addicted to candy that he has to shake the feeling off.
“awat” Bad typo on the last page.
This is one of those unfortunate cases of the writing hurting the read, and it did for me I’m afraid. There are quite a few mistakes running around that makes it impossible to ignore.
The story didn’t work for me at all, although I did like Lawrence’s dad changing his ways – must admit that I didn’t understand why he did? It’s not like he got the visit from the milky demon, sheet ghost, or the little kids.
And in saying that, the ending actually makes that redundant anyway because I think time goes back to the beginning so poor old Lawrence’s life isn’t any different, right? I guess he can change his ways now and not steal kids candy – that felt like such a trivial thing for a demon to come down to address though.
I had a feeling this was going to root into his mother’s death (if she’s dead?) and turn his life around, because he’ll see how those terrible things in the past shaped him and now it’s up to Lawrence to change his ways, but no – he stole candy so the demon comes down to make sure he doesn’t do it again – I thought the demon would be all for it to be honest, I thought they like that kind of thing, you know, stealing and all.
Yeah, this may be a good story but the clunky writing and slug issues kinda spoiled the ride for me so it was impossible to tell, the constant use of “hallway” and “door” made it difficult to follow at times – needs work to fulfill any potential.
More like character intro hijack. Bold? I’m trying not to read comments before posting but already I can see this unsettling a few. Who knows, maybe it’ll catch on...
Got to be a better way to cue the reader to Gary being Lawrence’s father rather than a tell in the action.
p.2 -- so Lawrence is watching TV? I’d introduce that sooner.
‘Destined to be something repulsive’. -- not sure that’s really needed.
The whole Manny episode tugged a heart-string or two but I’d need more convincing that a 15 year old would care about candy that much. Seems a stretch. Perhaps if it were presented as more opportunistic?
So the final ghost gave Lawrence a Halloween do-over? Not a bad spin on A Christmas Carol but wouldn’t that undo the whole can-opener apology from the father? I guess it’d come right again though…
At one point the rules of your ghost world seemed inconsistent -- Lawrence could touch some things and not others. Got to pick a rule and stick to it.
Other than that there’s an element of horror to the second ghost (the first one seemed a little too Scooby Doo). An upbeat ending made a change. A few areas to tighten up but the story pulled me in and made me care for the characters so that’s a plus.
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Kinda like "Shameless", I thought the presentation of Lawerence's life was enjoyably taboo. There were many lines that told instead of showed, and only reinerates what we already know about Gary being a hot mess.
A chuckled at the uncrossing of the legs bit. Good premise, although the theme didn't hit me. But did well with stuff like the bottle of Jack and the can opener. It kinda felt like the lesson here was undeservingly on Lawerence's shoulders. And I can't say I fully got the shackling at the end. Overall, it could be revisted and polished.
The 'shout' is definitely not dialogue in my book, and I think you did pretty well with the one character/one dialogue rule. You also nailed the atmosphere and conditions of the place. Good job.
Overall, it's a little long winded and perhaps you could get to the point sooner but a bit of editing will fix that. Nice character arc for your main character too.
I'll agree with the other posters here. Definitely a fun concept: a Halloween Christmas Carol or It's a Wonderful Life. But the story does need to be clarified considerably. There are sparks of talent here. (Unlike most others, I actually liked the phrase "sprinkle the night.") But I'd say give this one a restructing and rewrite after the OWC is over... make it clearer. Tighter. More straightforward.
I think this could have played out exceptional if it was done with an old world flair, which is delivered in the same time setting as the original Christmas Carol, dialog, etc. It would really be something fun you could play around with, such as;
"You may be an undigested bit of crunchy apple, a blot of caramel, a crumb of cookie, a fragment of underdone nut loaf. There's more of candy than of canes about you, whatever you are!"
If I only had one gripe, it would be that Lawrence revealed unto the reader that this was going the way of the Christmas Carol. I kind of liked that it was going there but I hadn't yet figured out what was transpiring. I think Lawrence should just take it in strides, a simpleton, with no indication of there ever being a ghost of past, present, or future. Actually, they would/could be the... Psychopomps of Halloween past, present and future... holy sh*t, I just blew my own mind, lol.
Dude, you gotta roll with this and work it into something bigger, it's an original and fun concept.
Your writing is terribly unspecific. Home made halloween costume? Rubber mask? Who are they dressed as? It doesn't really have to be a film character, but I can't really imagine anything about them as of yet.
A five feet tall figure? Hmmm, maybe it's just me, but I'd knock little shit straight down to the ground.
Guess Lawrence and I think the same.
A lot of these scripts seem to share these drop dead model-looking characters, maybe that's what the fantasy genre brings out in all of us .
Oh, damn, I think I spoke too soon...
Few mistakes on the last page that I noticed, reads a little rushed.
Not bad, I think there's a certain quality to it, and I think it's definitely worth revising in the future. The story, at least for me, worked to an extent, but we kind of jumped around aimlessly and it was hard to catch some of the subtext and plot building. Dialogue would help after the OWC ends, as would more interaction between the characters. It's a good effort, and there are plenty of good suggestions in the comments. I quite like it regardless though.
14. Halloween Hijack by Javar Van Helsing - A troubled kid has no patience for the Halloween spirit.
Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”
With a title like ‘Halloween Hijack’ I’m expecting a figurative and not literal hijacking of some sort. Hope this goes well. Beer cans that require can openers?! 1970s? Miserable start, but the ghost part starts to make it a good deal better. Interesting turn of events with the ghost shackles. Oh, it was just a dream until midway? Gotcha. Pre-poptop beer cans + VCR = big anachronisms. Ah, the ghost chains again, but this time the demon, not the ghost, pulls them. Alright. This does look a lot more like “A Halloween Carol.” Eh… That was a little heavy handed on the morality scale, but otherwise a good enough story.
Suggested construct alternatives: - Get to the ghost part on page one. - Lawrence’s initial convo with the demon is painful. Just keep it straight, no man-boy jive. - The story’s flow would be better if somehow the ghost & demon chain thing synched together better rather than being one thing first then another thing later.
"looking at those legs, I'm not too sure I want you out."
Anyhow, that's not a way a 15 year old speaks.
I'm not sure about the tone you bring inside:
"Never mind, I want you out! I want you out!"
When you choose to let him say many words like "never mind" (such as in both dialogue blocks above, and some more), in this situation; and the demon should be truly horrifying; that doesn't work. By his coolness, his charm toward the supernatural, it's getting satirical. He's not fighting for survival anymore in my eyes. So, what's it about. If it should be like the satiric parts of a Horror B-movie than it's not enough with regards to the boring Setting and characters.
Manny's homemade costume should be described qick and clear from the start.
"I jacked a few kids for their candy tonight."
Why don't show it. I found the first scene quite uninspired and now I finally understand, with looking back, that Lawrence came back with Manny's sweets. Since there was nothing happening I thought they just met to collect some sweets (O.S.) which Lawrence actually brings home later.
LAWRENCE I'm not going anywhere with you. "Don't steal from kids on Halloween" Lesson learned. Now get me home.
That's again what I meant above. If Lawrence doesn't fear the demon, why should I fear for Lawrence. Who cares -- You go slasher or comedy horror that way without really showing one of those both subgenres in ist qualities. So, it's anyhow not focused in its tone.
A lot of dialogue forced constructed stuff is going on too. Sorry, but all those parts are noticeable. Cut it to a minimum.
As you see, I would rethink the whole act 1 and 2. I've almost only quoted the dialogue, but also the story doesn't work at all for me. It's too unfocused, jumbled, demon-mother, shadow,... I think you get me.
And now - the ultimately surprising stuff, the big PRO, and I'm so happy to say that:
I like what you do in the end. I enjoyed those last pages very much. The ending even makes me think if there's a very good short story inside. I made a lot of negative points before - the end is a flowing great stuff throughout. Reminds me of the specific, overwhelming power this part of storytelling got. Hope this feedback helps.
In this story, a 15-year-old does speak like that.
Indeed, in this stoy a 15 year old does so.
To me, it reads too experienced. In any case. If he has the bravery to flirt around to a women with 15, it's a kind of cheeky same time, which is fine, but then he couldn't speak with linguistic skills.
Either he has experiences in life or he has focused on education.
Here's a total package a boy's of his age haven't control over. Maybe with 18 if he's damn smart.
But again: In this story, a 15-year-old does speak like that.
I think I already put enough IMOs behind my sentences...
Either he has experiences in life or he has focused on education.
Education doesn't have to be taught it can be simply learned. It's quite possible to have lots of life experiences whilst gaining an academic education at the same time. One always has time to read.
Education doesn't have to be taught it can be simply learned. It's quite possible to have lots of life experiences whilst gaining an academic education at the same time. One always has time to read.
Yes, you're right. Education could also mean to read, or to listen to someone. That all definitely needs time, focus, education is a calm prodcedure from its nature, imo, so how could he be so offensive on the other side... But no doubt it's possible, Dustin, I agree.
Here's the part of the story and how I saw it.
-- Lawrence's attention darts to a dark corner of the room where a WOMAN sits in a chair, in a long black dress with a slit on the side exposing her lengthy milk chocolate legs...
LAWRENCE ....And I don't know how you got in here, but to be honest, looking at those legs, I'm not too sure I want you out.
When he repeats what he sees with saying: looking at those legs - this is adult's rhetoric to me. You might disagree, but for me it's like talking around like an adult, repeating obvious things is a very stylistic procedure of delivery; also kind of thinking and speaking patiently like that.
Your argument he has those skills could be resulting from reading is a good one and make me think. But in the end I saw this 15 year old boy in his bedroom lying in his bed full of Halloween sweet wrappers. Maybe he's really this guy you described- but I didn't see him.
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Halloween Hijack - OWC
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