For Her Lov'd Sake by Reads Way Too Much - Short, Horror - In Victorian London, a grieving husband travels into the Underworld to rescue his wife's spirit before he loses her forever. (PG) - pdf, format

This story may end up low on reads because it's very thick. Chunky narratives, long dialog. The problem with overwriting is, your story gets buried.

I tried to keep up but started to really get confused on page 6. So much switching back and forth. A story like this needs more pages or else it feels rushed which IMO is what happens here. It also makes it really hard to connect to your characters.

So for me it was just too much. Maybe think about expanding it. I added some notes below if you're interested. It's just my opinion. I'm no expert.  Just some friendly suggestions.


Example of overwriting:

William opens a drawer in his writing desk, pushes a hidden catch, slides off the FALSE BOTTOM. Inside: the book.

He picks it up, places it on the desktop. He crosses his bed, reaches underneath, pulls out a long, thin case. Sets it on the bed, opens it. Inside: a SWORD, a deadly blade of gleaming metal. He picks it up, weighs it in his hand.

He crosses back to the desk, reaches into the drawer, pulls out a REVOLVER. He flicks open the cylinder, shakes the cartridges onto the desktop. He holds one up -- it GLEAMS brighter than it should. He picks up the book, reads.


(108 words - thick narrative)

Leaner Writing/More white space:

At his writing desk, William opens a drawer, slides off the FALSE BOTTOM. Inside: the book. He places it on the desktop.

He reaches under his bed, pulls out a long, thin case, opens it. Inside: a SWORD, a deadly blade of gleaming metal. He weighs it in his hand.

At the desk, he pulls a REVOLVER from a drawer, flicks open the cylinder, shakes out the cartridges and holds one up. It GLEAMS brighter than it should.

He picks up the book, reads.

(84 words - more white space)
__________________________________

Pg. 3: "William and Eleanor (28, beautiful) walk hand in hand along
the pavement. They talk softly, laugh, very much in love.
They pass a FLOWER GIRL. William stops, tells Eleanor to
wait. He goes back, picks a rose from the Flower Girl."

"Talk softly" and "Tells Eleanor to wait" -- both should be dialog. Don't
just tell us someone is talking.

What's all this: Inside a book... business?

Why not...

...opens it.

A sword.

Why go to all the trouble of writing 'inside a'?

Also not sure why I don't like seeing colons, full on or semi, in a script. I suppose I should stop blathering and read the script rather than commenting on the posts of others.

I like the novel copyright message. Not many will mess with something that reads like it could be magic, I imagine.

Code WILLIAM HARTSWELL (30, handsome but weary...

Why is he handsome? Easier to get behind somebody that is handsome yet weary-looking? Another thing I'm getting fairly big on (not in that way, although it does get very.... no, we'll stop there) is using real people in films. Why do people always have to be good looking and slim? One thing I'm certainly going to be experimenting with in my own films is the use of real-looking people.



Anyway... just stop being so fucking cliche.

I don't mean that to sound harsh to this writer, I mean it to sound harsh to all writers. There, that makes it better.

Code William stands up, looks down...

This would read so much better if you omitted the word 'up'.

Code a SWORD, a deadly blade of gleaming metal.

Thanks for explaining what a sword is. Saves me having to Google it.

I better stop, I just realised this hits the 10 page mark.

I must say though that he's doing a lot of reaching for things. Maybe he could stop for a cup of coffee, or take a leek before taking a leak. There has to be a better way than all this reaching for stuff.

Code WILLIAM (reading aloud, in verse) Though most below will pay no heed,/ Inside that world you’ll face the Dead;/

Very funny. OK, you got me... yes, I did say Deed.

Code WILLIAM Though most below will pay no heed,/ Inside that world you’ll face the Dead;/ Bring weapons tipped with silver, for/ They hate the living who there tread.

I think this one is a bit shit and needs some work. Two of the four lines should rhyme with each other... and so should the other two. This one is quite a way off, imho.

All this dialogue is unnecessary, I feel. All the spell reading. Couldn't this have all been done just as well with visuals alone? Maybe that's why the page count is high. Hopefully there's a lot more of it I can skip over.

Code the Boy SCREAMS

One Boy?

A lot of 'begins' and 'seems' going on.

I'm at around page 6 and incredibly bored. I don't like wizards and stuff. I've never seen a Harry Potter film, nor any of the Hobbit or Lord of the Rings things. I used to love that kind of stuff, now I can't stand it. This reminds me a lot of things like that.

Too much fantasy, not enough horror... and I think the PG rating confirms this. Not one for me.

For me it was a simple neat story about love.
You stuck with the theme of everlasting love and did well I think.

William is a bit too poetic and perfect though. He should have some human traits maybe. Right now he doesn't, he's way too good.

I had trouble visualizing the Dead. But maybe just me.
For me this story works very well.

This is incredibly lucid the way it plays out. Kind of an H.G. Wells - Time Machine-ish short script. A good story of love lost, and found, but told via the tragic ending of course.  The story hints at the Steampunk romanticism as well, the brass and stained oak of a bygone era.

They say we should never meet our heroes; because it destroys the illusion. I believe one should never seek those who are lost to the ethereal, for they have moved on and certainly would not be held accountable to placate your memory of their previous existence… everything dies for a reason.

I think you encapsulated some of that ideology correctly. The fact Eleanor is disembodied to the inhabitants of this underworld, suggests she is not yet traveled to her place of final rest, and perhaps has been patiently awaiting Williams arrival. His somewhat noble deliverance of himself, his life, unto her reality suggests only one thing… love can make you mad. For now William himself must face the fact that all he has to un-hold within his arms is a ghost of Eleanor, an old cherished memory that will soon be replaced with her underworld existence… poor William.

Clever use of the theme put forth, very descriptive writing with an interesting story, however, it might be a little too much ink on the pages for most readers, that is, for this to come through as a short script, IMO.  Well done.

SPOILERS

For a OWC this is an ambitious effort.  The recitation of the verses establishes the mood, the plot and the dangers the hero is to face, good job with that.  
Another good thing -- Eleanor, although we know her only by the briefest of shadows, seems to be a spunky, courageous person.  This gives us some hope that William, if he even gets near to her, can be happy again.  
William's efforts to fight off the nasty Dead gave the story some pep.  The ending is acceptable, to me, not really sad or happy -- the slowness of Eleanor's steps seemed to foretell doom for several pages.  
I can't accept that Winnie would allow William to wander off into danger -- pick another type of creature to bark uselessly, a border collie is too heroic for that role.

I'll be honest...I thought the verses were terrible. I'd get rid of them all, personally. They are hokey and add nothing.

Liked the rest of the story, although the end fell a little flat. Doesn't need the Dead guy attacking him, seems enough to have him stuck there with his wife.

Good effort.

This started slow, but ended up better than I expected.

I think the opening incantation process goes on too long. I understood what he was doing and why pretty quickly, the rest was just waiting around. Things move faster once William enters the Otherworld. A lot of the verse/exposition went over my head. But from watching the action I picked up on the rules anyway, so I don’t think you need all of it.

I like the urgency that’s added with William having to beat the clock chimes, but with time distorted across the portal, I don't think it makes sense. Time in the real world is moving faster by comparison, yet now it seems to take longer. Perhaps the portal understands dramatic effect.

I like the ending. It’s bittersweet and touching. The SMASH TO BLACK isn’t though. I only have one problem with its logic. Couldn’t he have waited a year and opened the portal again in the cemetery? He just needed to be closer next time. I hope he left the dog a lot of food.

Other than those quibbles, I thought this was a decent effort.

Logline - sounds ok, let's see...

Not sure why you would have a quote on the title page. But hey, who cares.

Probably could have done with a super showing the year?

By page 3 I have to say I find it a little heavy on detail
And the book is also hard work
Just starting page 6 - so half way through. Feels longer

I did like the rising tension of will he get there. The slow pace of Eleanor was good. We are left with, what going to happen? I suppose I felt he wasn't going to make it but why and how we're still to be seen.. The dead could be a little harder to kill.

But nice tension.

Poor Winnie - I almost thought he would go back for since his wife was dead anyway.

Slow start, decent finsih.

All the best.

Quality writing, engaging, sad story. I was fascinated to watch the grieving husband arm himself and enter the land of the dead; what good does he think weapons will do? What will happen? The suspense was well managed as time was running out. I wish he'd stayed with Winnie, but that wasn't his decision.

Chunks of description, dialogue didn't bother me in this case. When the writing is good, I don't care much about little infractions.

A refreshing take on the challenge -- I like a bit of Victorian swashbuckle.  Atmospheric and taut in the right places -- took a while to get going but the earlier scenes felt well placed and I think you handled the idea of the portal better than most -- better than me for sure.

Will say that Eleanor’s slow movement felt oddly comical played out against the gravity/momentum of the situation.  Kept imagining old William slashing Dead and then tapping his foot as he waits for Eleanor to catch up.  Sorry, but it felt like a poor choice of device to slow them down.

Entertaining and hit most of the right notes for me.  Just a pity you blew the budget on that dog...

Of the ones I've read so far, this is the best one, IMHO. The tone is right for the Victorian era. For some reason, I couldn't help but picturing Keanu Reeves as William.

I do agree with some of the other comments about it being overwritten, but at the same time, it felt in tune with the time period and tone.

I also liked the verses, but that might not mean much coming from someone who knows nothing about poetry type stuff.

I liked the visuals in this script. Except for the BEDROOM! I'm really tired of scripts that start out in someone's bedroom. Pick another room. Not a boring bedroom. Other than that, I liked the red tones in the underworld. The visuals of the horse and carriage running over Eleanor. The portal. Very good. You even managed to get a timeclock thing going there at the end to add suspense. I dug it.

Excellent job here for a week's worth.  

Quoted Text ’Ye Pow’rs, who under Earth your realms extend, To whom all mortals must one day descend; If here ’tis granted sacred truth to tell: I come not curious to explore your Hell; My wife alone I seek; for her lov’d sake These terrors I support, this journey take.’ - Ovid, Orpheus and Eurydice, Metamorphoses Book 10

Great quote. What is it doing on the title page?

Quoted Text "A  DEAD glides towards him"

Kind of awkward. a dead what?
In fact, it's one of the biggest problems I had reading this. "The second dead" "More Dead" "the dead" etc etc etc.  While I loved the setting, horror element and didn't have an issue with William and his dog Winnie (as far as names go) I must have missed the Halloween reference.

Still, one of the better entries. Might be the best.

Holy ambitious! Big respect writing spells in iambic pantameter!!!

Shakespeare meets Lovecraft meets Poe. Light on big scares, but multiple kills. Effective & familiar atmosphere.

Nice way to kick things off with that quote from Ovid’s Metamorphoses. I wonder if we’ll see some sort of strange animal hybrid here. Another good story to adapt for this challenge would be Arachne’s (sp?). Let’s see how close this tale ties into this quote…

Another quoted text as we begin. I liked that dialogue there. It set everything up quickly with precision. More details quickly follow to easily establish the setting in the 19th Century. I’m a fan of period-piece horror like THE OTHERS and Lovecraft’s stuff. I hope this short film continues that tradition.

The next page is thick with long passages of description. I’d consider condensing these upon revision. Some of them could even just be spaced out more. Like one paragraph for one image. Then another for the next, and so on.

NERD STUFF: I appreciate the effort spent on creating a rhyming scheme. That must have been a challenge in itself. Congrats with that work. However, I’d prefer the A B A B method for the stanzas – 1st line rhymes with 3rd, 2nd rhymes with 4th. Here we have B B rhyming (only 2nd and 4th lines rhyme). I hope this makes sense. It’s not a big deal or anything, just my preference. It’s really not necessary or anything to switch it up. After-all, I see the scope you’re aiming for. Very lofty goals. I’m going to cover that next. So non-literary nerds feel free to skip ahead. I just have to give respect to this writer. I don’t have my Ovid with me, so I’m not sure if all of this is quoted from the text. I hope not cuz I’m about to gush. I assume you toiled over this dialogue and created it yourself. So…

Big kudos for writing in iambic pentameter (sp? - Been a while since taught that in high school). I’m trying to refer to William Shakespeare’s rhythm of the beat. I still remember clapping those beats out 2 at a time. I even tried it with your short. So I know you did this on purpose. Hehehe. Plus, your main character’s name is William, right. GREAT WORK with this method. Remember, like the title, sometimes you have to shorten the beat with an apostrophe. IE: a word like “loved” takes 2 beats, and “lov’d” takes 1 beat.  For example, on page 2 you have “tipped” in first dialogue, which breaks the rhythm. Super easy fix, right = “tip’d”. Like you did with “off’ring”, and distinguished separate syllables with the accent on “cursed” on page 3. I’ve tried to write in this 8-beat pentameter before so I know how difficult this is. For the most part you fucking nailed it. So seriously, big RESPECT, writer. This has got to be a seasoned artist who was up for an EXTRA challenge. Maybe next time the OWC could be Shakespeare based? I think you’d have a step up on most of us.

The ritual was really atmospheric. It felt as realistic as a spell can. It had a classical Gothic sort of vibe. I like the visuals to and the rhythm between images.  I thought the frame drawing in the air was cool too. The return a loved one from the dead is a familiar territory, but I feel like by tackling this concept in a period setting with Shakespearean writing makes it stand out more as its own entity. Kind of like mixing all these familiar ingredients in a cauldron to create a new concoction.

I like it when he tells his dog to stay, “we’ll” be back soon. Nice touch. Some spooky spectres - again hinting at traditional (1800s) visual of the otherworld. I like the idea of translucent harmless ghosts and dark shadowy violent ones. I really like the haunting image of his wife standing over her grave. Quite. And creepy. The ghost chase was pretty clichéd but effective. You need some peril or obstacles, right. Like the ticking clock, it works, for me.

Sad ending. William had a tough decision to make. I think the dog scene would work too. He’s leaving one love for another. I wonder if it’s worth it though, since the demons attack soon after the portal closes. If he wanted to be with her again, in this regard, couldn’t he wait until he died of old age to be reunited. I mean, I don’t know how Heaven works, so take that comment for what you will.

I kind of wish you extended the iambic pentameter into the dialogue as well, for a strong through-line of style. This is what helped your short stand apart for me, so I can’t obviously get enough of it. The horror elements are pretty standard, but I appreciate the more unique period setting.

Some solid imagery. Great Shakespearian-spells. Good period setting. Relatable motives.     *  *  *  (out of 5)

I didn't like the verses, but was interested in the story enough to keep reading. I also didn't like the fact that he made a promise to Winnie and then broke it (which I kind of knew was coming, but was hoping I was wrong or that maybe he would have called Winnie through). Plus it kind of got to me that after staying there that the Dead's were going to get him anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I actually liked this a lot. To me, this is one of the better entries and, for me, is a memorable one at that.

I liked the way in which William opened the portal and how it stayed like that for him to get back through. I also liked the backstory of William and Eleanor and how he loved her that much that he wanted to find her. For me, this script had feeling and that is how it differs. Good job.