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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Pins and Needles - OWC
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Don
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pins and Needles by Boone Helm - Short, Horror - Desperate to save his afflicted wife, a tailor decides on a drastic last resort. (R ) - pdf, format


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SAC
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Hey Writer,

INT. DERVIN TAILOR SHOP - DUSK
Marvin turns and walks toward the front desk. He can still
move his short, husky frame with some aplomb, nimbly
squeezing through a gap in the counter as he pulls a
measuring tape from around his stout neck.

He tosses the tape on the old wooden counter, which is as
timeworn as the rest of the dark and dusty place.

He exhales deeply, runs stubby fingers through what’s left of
his wispy white hair. Then, he walks into the backroom.     

^^^ This is just fine writing right here. It basically takes you three action blocks to describe Marvin, each paragraph giving us some vital info about this man without overdoing it. Fantastic. Hope the rest is as good.

Okay, yes, this was good. It had tension, it had good stakes with the fate of innocent Rebecca hanging in the balance. And very well written. Awesome title, as well.

The reveal wasn't the best, a little contrived, but the writing and your build up made up for it. It's a page turner, and I would have to think it'll be among the better reads in this challenge.

Steve


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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Satanic sacrifice!
Halloween. Check.
Other dimension. It's there.
One character dialog. Bingo.

But sadly, that last one is kind of the script's flaw- Marvin, though an interesting character, has too much exposition near the last half of the script. At least for me. I dunno -just became slightly hokey when he has to explain how he lost his Holy Faith.
I'm also not a fan of the "Thens" that appear in the narrative. Other than this...the script is pretty solid. Horror---hell yes!

Nice work!


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 7:36am Report to Moderator
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I hate that he's talking the plot to his victim. It's bad and should be cut. I already understand his motivations. He wants to save his wife's life and his victim doesn't matter.

I like this one... but it does need a little work. He would be the one that needs to kill not the Devil. The Devil could claim Marvin's soul but couldn't just kill an innocent because he has been summoned. Doesn't really work like that... but with a tweak this one could be great.

I honestly feel it would be better if the Devil takes Marvin and ends with the wife left there, unable to move etc. That would be scary.

Nice work... gets a consider from me.
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LC
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 8:21am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS BELOW:

Nice work. Great descriptions, believable dialogue. I liked it.

I did wonder why Marvin piked out at the last minute unable to kill Rebecca - Tess is his life and this is their one opportunity. I get it though - Marvin is a decent man. Shortly after that there was also a moment when I thought Rebecca was turning into a demon too (because of that description with her teeth bared etc) - a little confusing moment but then it was all clear and you ended up using it as a device to misdirect and create suspense.

A Brit wrote this one - I know from a trademark phrase and I think I know which Brit - still this is the third one I've taken a guess at (in my head). Only time will tell.  

Very enjoyable.


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mmmarnie
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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Ugh....I was so into this story. Totally immersed and then, on page 6, a camera man jumped in to get a close up of the ring. WHY?  It took me out. I liked it enough to go back in but why take people out? There is no reason at all to say "CLOSE SHOT". None at all. You show us there's a cross on his band and that's what we will picture. Our minds will do our own close shot. Okay, rant over. I'll get back to the story now.

The writing in this was very good. I liked the dialog although it became a bit expositional at times. There was some good tension at the end, like when I thought he was going to kill Jessica but then he set her free.  You set up an excellent atmosphere. Great descriptions. Not sure I understand why nothing happened until the tape came off her mouth but I guess I don't need to understand it. It was a cool visual. The end you chose was okay. I guess he couldn't bare to go on after all that and losing Tess.

Anyway, great job. Love the writing here.


boop
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DustinBowcot
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 8:57am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mmmarnie
I guess he couldn't bare to go on after all that and losing Tess.


Surely you mean 'bear'?
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 9:37am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Was really into this until the long monologue started.

Not sure it is necessary, we get it all from what's already happened. I think you could cut the whole of pages four and five and lose nothing.

Didn't really buy that a Christian would turn to Satan in such a way.

Something about the main character felt off to me. I think it's this: I can buy his desperation, leading him to Satan (although it would be more realistic if an outside party offered him Satanic help) but I can't buy that a man who had made that kind of crazy commitment could then change his mind so quickly back. He's veering too easily for me.


Fantastic action from page 8.

Satan taking a true believer like Tess left a bad taste in my mouth. Also breaks the logic of these things IMHO..Satan can't just take an innocent's soul unless it is specifically offered to him.

Not bad though. Excellent Gothic tone.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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logline - could be interesting. lets see...

oh no! how dare you!!! page one is numbered, disaster . only kidding, normally it is left blank and page 2 numbered

Tess watches, her EYES SCREAMING in protest. - are you sure we can tell this on film?

tess shakes her head - since when can she do that?

rebecca - what would be useful is to first know if she is alive, conscious etc

Not bad. I liked the conflict between his desire and Tess', rebecca making up the triangle.

That he lost Tess because of his own error is a sound finish. i expected him to offer himself for tess, but you went dark

Tess, and what she can do, needs a little work to keep consistency.

not sure why he drags his wife up from the basement to then kill himself.

could be filmed as well.

otherwise i enjoyed this.


My scripts  HERE

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Gum
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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Good writing and a clever use of the theme.

I seriously thought this was going the way of ‘The Skeleton Key’ and Marvin was going to transfer the life force of Tess into the young woman’s body… or was he?
Über Bingo for him if he did; a new young wife and all. Probably wouldn’t take long for her to get out of dodge though, and try out her new found existence.

Was Tess suggesting the rings needed to be part of the altar sacrifice? That’s how I wanted it to play out. Have it come across like she’s terrified of what’s transpiring, but all along she’s screaming under her breath; “the ring you effin’ egg head! It won’t work without the ring!”

It worked for what it was…
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khamanna
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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I really really liked this one.
The writing is very good. The premise and the story works very well - neither once did I want to skim or skip or thought it was ovewritten or something.
The twist is very good. It's excellent all around for me.
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Kyle
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this. If you cut the dialogue from page five completely I would of enjoyed it more. Disabled wife, candles, sacrifice. You can kind of guess what's going on, him talking us through it seemed unnecessary.  

The other thing that seemed a bit off was the fact that even if the sacrifice had worked, his wife would never forgive him for what he had done. She clearly didn't want him to go through with it. Maybe it would of felt more realistic if she was completely paralysed to a point where she couldn't convey her emotions.  

Anyway, good writing. One of my favourites so far.
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Stumpzian
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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I have a feeling Marvin was having all kinds of doubts about his plan, which is why he talks it through as much as he does. Sort of trying to convince himself, unconsciously. When Lucifer is late,  his reservations have time to pile up on him.

Self-assured writing. Thumbs up, definitely.



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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 27th, 2014, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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This isn't just written well, it displays all of the signs of a writer who knows style.

The attention to detail is staggering:

It stands like a diminutive relic surrounded by thriving, brawny big box retailers.

A sheet of black fabric lies over the altar, with four black candles and an ornate bowl upon the fabric.

Then, he reaches into his back pocket, pulls out a pair of thick, gleaming tailor’s shears.

Her wrists and ankles lashed with twine.


What replaces that seething anger... an expression of pure, absolute, unbridled horror.  

Like the lamentations of a thousand tortured voices.

Within the miasma -- the undefined, obscure figure of a hulking man.


To put some context into these, the writer uses many style techniques to engage the reader into the story. There is almost zero repetition - but so many adjective and predicates that are comparitive. It's almost destined to be overwritten, but it's not. Strong, non intrusive verbs too. Pivotal sentences are given good emphasis words at the end.

The choice to put "horror" in italics was interesting too, I'd like to know why.

The story was solid, I thought Marvin's decision to back out was sincere, but it lacked because it was only after the transaction seemed to fall through. Also, Rebecca telling Marvin she has no husband or kids was too easy. It felt like a good opportunity to write Marvin in a corner and raise the stakes.

Outstanding work, I'm genuinely impressed by this. Polished to ten!
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stevemiles
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 5:34am Report to Moderator
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A horror titled pins and needles?  Bodes badly for someone.

‘Marvin begins his slow descent down the creaky wooden
staircase, each step groaning under his weight.’

Be careful of repetition jamming up the action.  The above could be:

‘Marvin begins his slow descent of the staircase, each step
groaning under his weight.’

‘Tess closes her eyes, shakes her head as she listens to the
blood dribble and pop upon the bottom of the bowl.’

Nicely done.

‘Her jugular throbs wildly beneath the steel.’

And this.

Marvin’s dialogue ran a little thick towards the end.  Think some of the marriage history could have been shown rather than told with a number of lines trimmed to keep the story tighter.  Not keen on the whole ‘WHY! etc.’ Kind of Family Guy territory these days.

‘MARVIN
Forgive an old fool.’

Not bloody likely.

‘The sun just begins to rise above the suburban sprawl,
filling the room with golden light.’

Minor issue, how are we seeing this suburban sprawl from inside?  

Good character in Marvin, thought you captured a mix of desperation and reluctance.  Nice touch with referring to Rachel as ‘Miss’ -- lent an odd naivety to his actions.  Not sure him being a tailor lent anything to the proceedings - could have been anything -- no needles and pins either, shame on you.  

Given the logic of your story, what did the Beast grant Marvin in return for his wife’s death?  If the point of killing Rebecca was a trade for Tess’ recovery then it stands that the Beast would have permitted him something in return?  Maybe a missed opportunity to throw in a twist.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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