Now this one is good. Terrific writing, very compelling particularly in the first few pages when we were still sussing out what exactly was going down - the reveal of Rebecca on page 4 was a thrilling shock to me, which means you did a great job of dragging me in.

However, for my money there's an iffy section in the middle with the monologue, and then Marvin sitting around and waiting, where the excellently cranked-up tension is allowed to disappate. You then do a good job of clawing some of it back, but I wonder if you could lose most of that monologue.

I internally groaned when I read 'See, this is what you call a last resort', as I knew it meant you were about to launch into backstory. I really think you could cut everything down to 'Just a simple transaction' (perhaps keeping certain lines about 'I've never done this before, etc.) and the script would be better for it. Marvin doesn't REALLY care if she has kids or not, or surely he'd have checked beforehand? Also, side point - why does Rebecca answer honestly? Clearly saying you have a family would be more likely to make him think twice, so if you're going to answer, lie - if you're in the mood for conversation at all, that is. We can infer that Tess has had a stroke from her condition, without you spelling it out. What makes it so strange is that you NAILED the rule 'show, don't tell' with your opening - and then having aced that, you proceeded to tell us anyway. Cut it. You did the hard part.

Similarly with the passage of time, though perhaps that's harder to fix. Maybe he just holds in position, shears ready to strike for a very long, tense ten seconds or something? That could be gripping on film if we're waiting for the kill to come, especially after the start, and then...nothing. Then on to 'I done everything...' (minor point: Marvin's dialogue felt slightly inconsistent, with the mistakes sometimes feeling a little manufactured).

As I say, you did a good job turning things back up in the last section, the Devil when he appeared was truly scary. I wonder if you need the last scene? I do like the quieter, aftermath moment of the sun rising (nicely book-ends the story), but the actual ending (he kills himself) felt a bit cliched - in other scripts I'd think 'fair enough', but here it feels like a stock choice in a script that has so much going for it.

So yes, this is probably my favourite so far. Thrillingly well written, and despite the stumble in the middle the good points massively outweigh the bad. Two final, minor points: it's subjective, but I wonder how much 'Fantasy' there was in there, and having looked into it for my own entry I think 'Dusk' actually comes AFTER sundown. You may know that, but it bothered me no end!

Very, very well done on this.

Sad ending

Good story. Enjoyed this one.

Marvin is a great character and I felt sorry for him even when he was going to sacrifice the girl.

Yeah, it gets a bit talky when he's kind of explaining what's going on but I think we needed to know what was happening.

Very well written and very detailed.

Probably my favourite so far..

A lot of description, yes, but really well written.

"Sundown at
seven forty-three tonight." -- great detail

Don't really need "Then"'s

Kind of a let down ending. Felt a bit tacked on -- he already lost everything, what more did his death add? (Also, what did he get in return?) Loved it to that part though. Good job.

I'm going to feel like the jerk here, but I'm hoping the writer wants me to be honest.

I wasn't too fond of this one, to be honest. I felt it was a bit too wordy in the writing. I admit to be a bit of an ADD person, so to me, it took too long before anything happened. Lots of descriptions in the first few pages.

Although it makes it easier to film with everything taking place in one location, I felt it also dulled the story. I wanted desperately for the portal to open and Marvin going some place interesting to seek help for his wife. Summoning Lucifer felt old hat.

Then we have Rebecca. She's young and has her whole life ahead of her. Why should she die so a 60+ year old woman crippled from a stroke can live a better life. Selfish, if you ask me and I instantly hated Marvin for this selfish act. In the end, I wanted him to be punished. Lucifer should've taken Marvin, IMHO.

I also felt that there was way too much exposition here. IMHO, you could cut most of his dialogue.

I do feel however, that the writer here is someone very capable and able to write great stories. This one, just didn't do it for me. I'm sorry.

There are some things I enjoyed with Pins and Needles, and some things I thought could use some alterations. First, it was a breezy read. I felt as if I was in the capable hands of a top-notched writer. Kudos for that.
When Marvin goes down to the basement and that altar and all of its creepiness is revealed, I thought this old coot is into the black arts. Tailor by day, cult follower by night. Nice.
But alas, that's not the direction you went.
I like the idea of waiting for Satan to make a courtesy visit, but I noticed that the waiting seemed to linger. Marvin teetered on cutting Rebecca's jug, vein and this seemed to slow things down.
Why should Satan show if Marvin doesn't complete the ritual?
I'm thinking that once the OWC restriction is lifted, you can give Becca a voice. She might need to talk Marvin out of the deed, so he doesn't have to carry on with a bit much exposition.
I like that we have Tess with her stroke-addled condition and unable to utter a word. Rebecca has her mouth taped, so she's speechless.  Not a bad way to get around the one-person dialog thing.
But I thought you played it a little soft overall. Took the sentimental way out instead of a testicle-mashing horror fest. I don't have a problem with Marvin backing out of his plan to filet Becca's neck, but I wanted him to realize that he couldn't call off Satan. He would have to defend his wife if it came down to Satan wanting old meat, if not virgin meat.
Tess should not have been carried off to the Otherworld. Marvin, yes. He should have sacrificed himself.
Okay, enough of that.
I so wanted Satan to enter through the front door. To hear the door open, then to hear him, whatever that might sound like. I wanted the suspense an 'Oh S**t, he's here" moment. That feeling you get when you're waiting anxiously and when you swallow, it gets stuck in your throat. I wanted that kind of an entrance.

Your ending, while lightweight, was not not awful. I liked the idea that if Tess' soul was taken, then Marvin was willing to follow her to hell. Kind of poignant.
Despite all this, it is still hard for me to dislike the potential here. Some of the images has left an impression. In the end, your vision seems different from mine. No problem.

Yeah, me also thinks a Brit wrote this. But I'm not familiar with all the Brits and Aussies cuddled around the SS camp fire, so will wait patiently for the reveal.
All in all, pretty good work for one week.

I really, really like this one.  Well written, with a clear story and characters that you can really empathize with.  From the wordsmithing evident here, it's clear that an experienced writer did this one.  A short review, I know - but there's really not all that much else to say.  This is script I could definitely see getting produced.  And one of the most memorable and satisfying entries of the OWC thus far.

Cheers,

--J

Likeable from early on despite the occasionaly clunky descriptions. The initial visual doesn't run smoothly as it goes 'Close, Wide, Close.'

There's some sentence clause errors on page 2, but the set-up's characterful.

Up to page 4 and we've some powerful conflict going on here - I like Tess' situation and the way you build on it; we're going from sympathy with Marvin to empathizing with Tess.

p.4 Rebecca screams through her the tape.
--Rebecca screams through the tape.
(Rebecca's muffled scream)

p.5 Marvin scans the altar, the wall for anything.
--Marvin scans the altar, the wall, for anything.

MARVIN
I don’t know how long this is gonna
take, really. First time trying
this, if you hadn’t guessed yet.

MARVIN
I don’t know how long this is gonna
take, really. First time trying, if you hadn’t guessed yet.

Cleanly written - good all day; strong message behind it with -- a morality -- believe it or not. A great blend of writing, visual, and message. It'll be interesting to find out who's behind it.

A good exploration of morality & mortality. Strong visuals. Good tension. An emotionally complex lead.  

Well-written descriptive passages. They might run a  little long but I like a lot of the details and prose. Some good atmosphere, beginning with the sounds of groaning steps, the solitary hanging (swaying?) light bulb, and those mannequins. Filmed right these inanimate objects could be creepy as all Hell. And I am including his pseudo-mannequin wife. I like the symmetry there. Haunting. Are you sure his name isn’t Norman? Jokes.  I like the idea that her eyes can move and she is somehow at least partially alive. Or is she just like paralyzed or something? Oh, and the portal stuff is hinted at nice and early without having a long expository speech or anything.  

I like the building tension as Marvin reads that spell. Tess’ eyes. Pleading. Her attempts to stop him, for some unknown reason. Trying to warn him? This sort of build-up makes me anticipate the outcome with fear and dread. Good stuff. Whoah. A captive. A sacrifice? I love that image of the scissors against the captive’s pulsing jugular vein. Scary.

The captive, Rebecca, gives you a good excuse to explore Marvin’s motives without being too obvious about the exposition. If the wife was the only other character, and you wanted to tell us the same info, it’d be hard to excuse since his wife would already know everything. So good job weaving this in more naturally. You inform Rebecca, as you inform us. My favourite line, a simple one, with strong subtext, “Four years of… silence.”

When Marvin asks Rebecca if she’s married, she shakes her head no. When he asks if she has kids she shakes her head no. WHAT IF, instead, Rebecca starts to shake her head no, then realize late that this is what Marvin wants to hear – so he doesn’t feel as guilty. He doesn’t want to deprive a child of her mother. He wants a victim/sacrifice who has no one to leave behind. I think Rebecca should realize this as well. After all, this is what you are suggesting to us. I think we’ll all understand that. So wouldn’t Rebecca – even though she’s endangered.

So… WHAT IF… Rebecca changes her shake no, to a nod yes. Marvin could think on it, then realize himself what’s going on, and say it, “You’re trying to trick me. You know why I’m asking this. You know…” Maybe this could hint at a hidden evil within him, and Marvin gets a little angry at Rebecca’s attempted ruse. Now he has further justification – from his distorted point of view – to sacrifice her.

Regardless, good stuff here. I took the time to comment because I like what you’ve done, and I feel this recommendation could strengthen what is already strong. I hope you understand where I’m coming from. Just a suggestion, really – run with ‘em or ditch ‘em.

I’d then excise most of Marvin’s dialogue during this situation. It goes on for a bit, but also says what I assume we all gathered already. The same can be said during the waiting period. For me, it’s just weakens what has happened. I know how he feels and such. Some of this stuff is repeated information.

I liked the tension in Rebecca’s reach for the shears segment. That would be intense to watch, especially when Marvin snatches them away at the last second. Wow. And then he cuts the bindings. Nice. I didn’t think I’d like this happier moment in a horror. For me, it really works here. Especially when this action was paired with the dialogue “Forgive me.”

I think you should consider milking this tension even further:  the “Forgive me”, the shears raised, a moment, the raised shears glint, they thrust down, Rebecca muffled screams, and we discover Marvin cut the ropes. And the “forgiveness” he asks for is his wife’s. I love it. This is what she wanted anyway - from what I gathered by the strong writing, and her pleading eyes , wedding ring stuff, etc. So he doesn’t get to reunite with his wife, but he does what he knows is right. He can’t go through with murder and justify it. Effective emotional stuff. Nice. Now let’s see if you twist this further into darker territory.

Rebecca is free. Did she just call for some demonic back-up? Did her prayers beat out Marvin’s? A strange being appears. I like the description there. Some freaky stuff. Wait. I guess Rebecca’s horrific expression was fear at seeing the demonic presence. Oops. So the deal is still on, and that demon is hungry for payment.

Hmm. Bitter-sweet ending. It was good though. Maybe I missed something along the way though. I was confused on the state of Tess, is she alive, just paralyzed from strokes? Or did he make her into some sort of FRANKENSTEIN-like mannequin-being? He wasn’t fully successful so her mind is alive but (most of) her body is dead or something? I wonder if some clarity (earlier on) would help. When he says he’ll see her soon, is that because she will die soon enough from her illness. It’s a small issue that didn’t really hinder my enjoyment of the short as a whole. I like that he has perspective, and how it shifts, and how he isn’t blinded by his earlier point of view.

Atmospheric. Strong moral dilemma. Some good creature stuff.        *    *    *   1/2    (of 5)

Really really good writing on display here. This was an enjoyable read. The only thing that was a little annoying for me was the expo in the dialogue...felt like it went on and on. Otherwise one of my favs of the challenge.

SPOILERS

This story is very satisfying I think, and the characters are well written.  Tess (a great role), reduced to minimal sounds and motions, displays unmistakable outrage when faced with her husband's horrifically bad judgment -- she does not relent.  
Marvin's dialogue is wonderfully ordinary.  His return to sanity is a triumph.  
Marvin's death, with Tess in his arms, has a feeling of absolute privacy.  
Excellent writing.

I liked the story in this, but while some things worked, logically some things didn't and they got to me, for instance;

Rebecca say's (well nods) she doesn't have kids or a partner, when the logical thing from a prisoners point of view is to get out and it's pretty clear that he wanted to hear 'no' so she should have said the opposite (I would have) - even if she thought he knew she was going to lie - on the off chance, any off chance that he may second guess his decision.

Also that Marvin did the spell, it essentially worked, although not how he wanted, but the demon/devil gave him nothing in return - not that he wanted anything but his wife, but still...

I also found Marvin's expositional dialogue dragging on.

Other than that, I quite liked this. I like the title. I liked the setting and can very well see this being filmed. Great job.

A complete entry that is hard to fault for me anywhere. I like how the beginning shows that Marvin is just a regular person, further reinforced by the dialogue. Showing Tess like that instantly adds to his cause and reasoning for doing what he is.

There's a good amount of unclarity in the first few pages of what Marvin's going to do and Rebecca was something you just can't see coming. Great build-up, especially with Tess being nervous there before we really get to know who any of these people are.

Marvin's change of heart about Rebecca when the time comes really added to this, showing us that he is indeed a good man just desperate and caught up and in the end Tess suffers for it.

I see other reviewers have had issues with the dialogue, if it wasn't there I'd say there's a good chance it could get confusing and it is in character for Marvin to tell all of this to Rebecca, desperately trying to find an excuse to even tell himself if not Rebecca.

The end in that chair, poignant and just hits the spot.

Great work. Gets a recommend from me on the Friday vote.

As I go...

Writing is good out of the gate, but IMO, way too descriptive, too dense, too many adjectives.  To go a step further here, your first page is probably at least 2 times overwritten, meaning the information and visuals given here could and probably should take no more than 30 seconds, max.

Exact same problems on Page 2.  It appears almsot every single noun has an adjective (sometimes 2 even) in front of it.  Every now and then for effect, sure, no problem, but when you do this to this level, nothing has effect anymore - kind of like looking at 500 "perfect" nude babes all lined up...looks nice, but since they're all perfect, your attention has trouble settling on 1, or a few...or maybe any.

Page 3 - be careful of using "then".  If you're going to use it, make sure you don't overuse it.

Page 4 - this is definitely good and the work of a good writer.  Attention to detail is great, but as said above, just too much, really.

"...through her the tape." - typo somewhere here.

Uhhh...what's up with the sudden and long winded monologue?  It's a mistake, IMO.  Sure, you can give us some info, but this is just too much and takes away from the power you had achieved.

Page 6 - OK, so we have a LATER Mini Slug - no problem with that at all, but 3 hours have passed and nothing of note has happened?  How is Rebeca being held at the altar?  If she's not bound by anything, I would imagine she's had opportunities to escape, considering she's in her 20's and Marvin is 64!  Simple fix, unless I just didn't get the scene exactly - she needs to be tied/chained/whatever on the altar.

I really don't like the use of CLOSE SHOT here, as it just takes me out of the read.  So easy to invoke the same visual, without using this.

Page 7 - I also don't like your use of a Subject Slug and the aside that follows...actually, I detest it.  Things have really stalled here now and I'm wondering why you chose to do this, as everything earlier was so deliberate - maybe this is as well, but for me, it's taking way too long to get to where we appear to be going.  I'll stick around and see what happens, as I've invested alot of time already now, but just so you know, this needs a major edit/cutdown to elicit what you're truly after.

"...on Marvin's." - Marvin's what?  His hand?  Doesn't work as written.

Page 8 - Again, as throughout, just too slow and overwritten, which works so against what should be an edge of your seat scene with Rebecca and Marvin.  You need to rethink your writing style when you write action, as this isn't the way you want to go about it.

"A thick, guttural GROANING is heard, and begins to rise in volume. Like the lamentations of a thousand tortured voices." - perfect example here - overwritten for no reason.  "is heard" - never necessary.

"primordial fear" - Really?  Bro, you're killing me...

Page 10 - Poor Slug here, followed by 1 of my very biggest pet peeves - "is sat" - Really?  REALLY?  No, please never use this completely incorrect phrase again.  Please...please?

Well...can't say I love the ending, but you did go somewhere other than what was expected.

You're a good writer, but you need to understand how to be a better writer, and then a great writer.  Don't try so damn hard is the bottom line.  Cut way back on your use of adjectives.  Watch your phrasings.  Keep your audience engaged.  Change your tone as the action changes.

As is, I'll give you a consider, but this so easily could have been a recommend.

Writing’s good here. The story’s pulling me right along. The only reservation I have is the amount of exposition Marvin is delivering, a lot of which could be condensed and streamlined. For instance, if on page 6 Tess evokes Marvin’s religion and Marvin expounds on how useless it’s been, does he need to say the same thing to Rebecca, unprovoked, on page 5.

I think Satan’s(?) taking of Tess could’ve been more visual, or drawn out a bit more. It seemed to go by really fast for a moment that’d we’d been building to the whole time.

Maybe Rebecca could be given an extra detail or something (honestly it took a few lines for me to confirm she was conscious). Right now you’ve got her married without children, but it might be more effective if she had something. Even just putting her in a waitresses uniform would increase my empathy slightly because it implies an entire life that isn’t presently being seen.

Reading through the comments, I tend to agree that Marvin’s actions establish some unspoken rules for how this altar sacrifice works, and the ending seems to discard them. There are a lot of possible endings that can result from this set-up. I’m not sure the most effective one has been chosen. It’s a good story, but not quite as impactful as it could’ve been.

27.  Pins and Needles by Boone Helm - Desperate to save his afflicted wife, a tailor decides on a drastic last resort.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Pins and Needles’ I’m expecting some good tension and body horror, hopefuly nothing too on the nose or literal. Unless it’s good, of course!
Interesting premise set up.
Old people and their witchcraft and devilry. Always an amusing sight to see.
Nice trade of one soul for another it appears…
(Turn off your program’s “Mores and Continueds” feature. Not necessary.)
His off-task expository blabbin’ is going to futz up this invocation.
“Not looking to cause you any more pain than I must.” Then STFU, buddy! LOL!
Excellent tension with Rebecca creeping towards the unattended shears - only to have them snatched away the moment she touches them. Nice.
Excellent transition from Rebecca’s intended scream of distress to a gutteral groaning instead.
Very nice miasma mass figure scene!
WAITAMINIT! The Lucifer beast thing took Tess’ soul but gave nothing for it! Whatta rip-off!

Suggested construct alternatives:
- A cut like Marvin gave himself is going to require a cloth binding, not just a wipe on his shirt.
- Make for an unwanted trade: Take Tess, give Marvin Tess in Rebecca’s body. Take Marvin, give Tess back her normal life. Something.
- Rename something more related to “shears”, which were a part of the story - three times, and not “pins and needles”, which were not ever part of the story