The Soul Cleaner Vs. Hitler Vs. Kevin by Jasper Kidd - Short, Horror - On a Halloween rave, searching for the restroom, drugged up Kevin collides with an overchallenged cleaning power, and Adolf Hitler, whose plan is to send more Ebola to the living. (R ) - pdf, format

Quoted Text Please note: Conversations within description blocks are(MOS)-> without sound

  That's the second time in this OWC a writer has given the reader a note to my knowledge. The previous writer then broke the rule, which was a no-no. One of the first things you do is introduce loud sounds. Noise drowns out most conversations anyway. But not every character should be in a state of panto-miming. This is you playing director. There's a later scene which is in SLOW MOTION. Again, a director's choice, not a spec writer's.

A lot of narrative has odd orphans. And strange placement for stacking narrative.  Could be a PDF problem, but it's noticeable. Some overdescription and poor grammar make the read awkward. When Hitler speaks, I thought this might have been a OWC pisser of the otherwise decent bunch.

I'm lost by p6, and that's about where I bailed.,

Well, I read this. Nothing really for me to say.

The new denim pants hug his butt perfectly
--I'm getting a homo-erotic vibe here...

She's small, wears an overall which cannot hide her above average sized breasts.
--Uhhhmmm

Slightly noise of ball bearings follows those determined steps-
A cleaning bucket on rolls which GENE HENDRICKS looking like a wicked, older version of Jesus Christ carries close behind him by the pole in his rough hand.
--okay, I'm getting pseudo-religious, semi home-erotic sort of completed confused now.

Over and out.

The title alone is a huge problem, almost like you're announcing this to be a pisser...but it doesn't seem to be one.

Then we get some very wierd intros of things only a pisser would write, and again, I'm very confused.

We start being told everything is MOS, but that doesn't make alot of sense to me, because why write that someone's saying if it's all in silence mode?  Obviously an OWC requirement you tried to get around, but IMO, far from successfully.

Listen, it's not half badly written, but after 1 page, I just pretty much know this isn't to be taken seriously and have no interest in going any further.

If this is a serious attempt, my apologies, but if it truly is, you should never in a bajillion years start with a title like this...or a logline like you have.

I'm out after 1 page, and I want to be 100% clear why that is.

Part of challenge was to only allow one character any dialog so when I saw the title I thought whoever chose it probably had a clever way of having a character and Hitler interact. I was wrong. I read the whole thing but it really didn't do anything for me. It's not terrible, it just never grabs a hold of a tone.

This could have been a pisser, you just didn't apply your production value to it.

*Amended this to say "I'll leave that open for interpretation..."

One seriously effed up title and logline. Actually sounds like it might be good. Probably another Brit. There are a lot of them around.

Code KEVIN, 24, tall and slim, leaves the front door of his home. The new denim pants hug his butt perfectly while he saunters along the front yard walkway.

Is this going to be a gay thing? A guy in tight jeans is a little suspect. You did also mention rave, drugs and toilets.

Not sure I want to read on... but I suppose I must, I could be wrong.

Code At the lay-by, MARILYN, 25, a hot redhead, works inside the engine compartment of her red Corvette C1.

Hopefully she's not simply a faghag.

Code Two blue pills stamped with X.

White is more associated with X. Plus you don't need the X if you make them white. I suppose the producer could always buy some real ones in, cheap enough these days. Just have to be sure the actors don't actually swallow them while they are working. Or maybe it would be good to film them off their faces? I think it would. Just wouldn't be right. If something went wrong there would be hell to pay. Health and safety regulations these days are bullshit!

Code Jesus Christ carries close behind him by the pole in his rough hand.

Seems to be going gay again.

Code The crack fills with a liquid colored like fresh motor oil.

She should see somebody about that.

Code Hypnotized, with greedy pleasure in his eyes Gene stares at the liquid. His hand leaves the pole...

You know I was writing a story recently and in it there's this sack, and a guy constantly reaching for and playing with it and stuff. Every time I wrote a line I'd snigger like the schoolboy I am and it actually puts me off writing it. Glad to see you're not affected at all.

Code His other hand appears with a wiping cloth...

Yep always handy for the overly promiscuous to carry one of them everywhere they go.

Code Kevin gets in, takes a seat on the passenger side. He wears his expensive casual clothes and a classic black half mask which covers his eyes only.

Why not just call it a black eye-mask? Could he be wearing somebody else's clothes? I'll rewrite this:

Kevin, concessionary black eye-mask, sits on the passenger side.

Code Quickly she finds the bone in his jeans.

Does he own a dog? That would explain the bone... but why is she searching for it? Do you mean erect penis? You do realise it isn't a bone? It's all blood vessels apparently. I used to think it was a bone when I was a kid.... how old are you?

I'm out. I can't read shit like that.

This seems like an imaginative dream sequence from a novel that was almost reworked into a script -- what might be unique and fresh in prose form does not always work in the cold light of morning that is screenplay format and in this case, for me, the potentially interesting characters and story are lost.

Logline....seriously . Well it's different. Let's see...

Arh, the great and wise heavy metal band. Glad to see a quote with gravitas.

Can's of champagne....soooo posh. Who needs bottles.

Sorry, a bit of a struggle for me and not a story that grabbed.

Inventive concept. Odd and unusual. Unpredictable.

Great title. Playful. Attention grabbing. The descriptions continue the humour. I hope this is well balanced, otherwise it might get tired quick. I sense sarcasm behind a lot of these details, like oil and a wrench adding to natural feminine beauty. A better way to excuse first chat is the car engine revving drowns out their conversation. That's more excusable. The way you tackled it was pretty weak. I'm thinking with these descriptions this might be a pisser. I hope not. For now I'll chalk up some of these descriptions to awkward phrasing.

The claw bit scared me. The design was pretty cool too. I like how some of these fragmented descriptions speed things up and makes the scene feel more energetic and exciting. It's different so it just took a second to adjust. A sexy Catwoman. I didn't expect that in these OWCs, but I thank you.  Whoah is this a cautionary tale? Cuz that was not SAFE sex. Haha. So... Fooling around leads to Halloween death? I'm thinking they broke on through to the otherside through an unseen Door. Kind of subtle if so. The slow motion is a nice way to suggest this portal was used.

With the party stuff it's even more obvious that Kevin shoukd be talking. Unless you're saving that 1 speaker for later (maybe Hitler?) I'm curious as to why it isn't Kevin. It's still hard to nail down the tone. Maybe Hells restroom sign should say Hell's Pisser. Jokes. Unless...

Yup. Hitler talks. I wonder if you missed a chance to poke fun at him. Maybe he's struggling to hold his bladder, waiting for his turn, saying "I vanna tinkle" or something ridiculous. Make him weak and the punchline even if this is just a guy dressed as him. Im assuming from the way you described him it is the real deal. The portal and Halloween magic made it so. I'm not sure Ebola joke worked so well.  

The beast's arms coming out of nowhere shocked me again. I'm not sure why it happened or why he smashed in some Hitler head. It'd be fun to watch though. I just wonder if you missed the opportunity to do something more with Hitler. Definitely more jokes at his expense. I still think Kevin makes the better option for the 1 speaker. It's better then trying to excuse the unheard conversations between Kevin and Marilyn.

Weird. So Kevin temporarily entered otherworld to be a portal himself for the beast to somehow resch through dimensions and kill Hitler.  the hospital stuff and ending was bittersweet. Im a little confused about all the details, buf enjoyed the constant WTF feeling. The doctor's strange metamorphosis would be creepy to watch on screen.

Very surreal. Weird tonal blend. Some forced non-speaker elements.    *   *    (of 5)

 

What a strange title and log.

Some of the descriptions are kind of hard to get through. I think it would be easier to read if it was trimmed won descriptionwise. This is my personal opinion, and I'm not a rules girl, but some of the style in this writing gets on my nerves while reading. the short words and commas. Believe me, I like to see a style stand out in a piece but when it overly stands out...it takes away from story.

Cans of champagne? Do they even make those? Sounds cool enough anyway!

Well, I can say this...I do like the way you slid the corridor in there and the wreck stuff...at first I didn't think they had had the accident...so overall I ended up liking this pretty good ...despite my attitude going in because of the title and log.

Good job IMO.

*spoilers*

Not too shabby of a read. Title instantly takes away its sizzle. I thought the *premise* was great, I liked how you thought their near miss was just that, so kudos for serving up the real deal. I thought the character descriptions were solid.

Now the coma - dream sequence - whatever you want to call it, that was a deal breaker. Soul cleaner was the missing link, I have no idea what is going on there. Is he like one of those dudes that tends the restroom or something? Ebola?

"At the lay-by," -- I don't know what that means.

"The oil on her face and the wrench in her hand reinforce her natural beauty." - yes, I've always said that nothing reinforces natural beauty like a wrench.

"She chats some words to him, hops behind the wheel.
VROOM! The roaring engine makes her smile." -- wait, so you are telling me that I can't hear the talking, but I CAN hear the engine?

"Slightly noise of ball bearings follows those determined steps" -- Slightly noise??? And what do yo mean that a ball bearing sound follows his steps?

"A cleaning bucket on rolls which GENE HENDRICKS looking like a wicked, older version of Jesus Christ carries close behind him by the pole in his rough hand." - this sentence is a mess.


Ok, one more: "a enduring low grunting." -- enduring?

"Mindless Gene's overturning several times." -- now he's "mindless Gene"?

OK, I'm not commenting no grammar anymore. Needs work.

Story: OK, I didn't get this at all, sorry.

The title put me off at first, but somewhere someone said there were no out and out pissers, so let’s see…

Pg. 1 “The new denim pants hug his butt perfectly while…” Moving right along.

“two cans of champagne” I love this detail. It will not be forgotten.

So I’m pretty sure the Nightclub is some sort of purgatory that Kevin goes to just in time to see Hitler trying to unleash Ebola on the world. I don’t know why. Hitler basically refers to it as an extremely lethal remedy… huh? So when it breaks that’s… good? bad? Maybe it doesn’t matter. How do you unleash Ebola from purgatory? And why does the beast kill Hitler? I thought they’d be in cahoots. Back in the real world Hitler injects Kevin with something that kills him instantly (which eliminates Ebola as a possibility), doing what to further his plan?

I think this could’ve been more digestible if you had Gene and Kevin actually defeat Hitler and prevent him from crossing over. That Hitler’s squashed by a demon kind of cheats your title. Then Kevin dies and the world never knows how close it came to being exposed to Ebola (hmm…). And I wouldn’t make Marilyn suicidal. Give her a hopeful ending. She’s young, attractive. I’m sure she’ll find a new piece of man meat.

Some really nice and vivid visuals on display with this script and another one that's definitely a bit out there. Nazi's, ebola, sex. The second one I've read that is unconventional to say the least. Good job.

Ebola, Hitler, and a guy named Kevin? Why haven't I read this already?

"Please note: Conversations within description blocks are
(MOS) -> without sound." That's, ahem, strange. Read the script for Motor City, the writer says something like this but better.

That Super also rivals the Je Me Sais Pas poster on the locker, neither make too much sense. Eric's got a few of the reactions right...

The broken writing style that's been put there purposely is distracting more than anything, the lack of periods signify you simply forgot to put your thoughts in order rather than the fact you want our eyes to lead to the next sentence. Use ellipses or double dashes. The actual visuals themselves are really confusing as well, I've read Gene's death a few times already and I still can't get a clear image on what's happening. "Mindless Gene's overturning several times."?

"ADOLF HITLER, mass murderer and suicide."

And you give Hitler the only dialogue! I don't know what to say, except that I'm pleased.

"We know whose rehearsed postures these are." Do we? Is it Hitler?

I'm with Jeff on this, I'm not entirely sure whether this is a serious attempt or not. Besides the Hitler and Ebola parts, I don't think I even smiled, which is a shame, since it was some good pisstake territory. Apologies if it isn't, but I would've preferred had the read not frustrated the reader and be easy to get through, which are the qualities of both a comedy and a pisser, depending on what you're right to write.

Uh, I'm really not sure what to think about this one.  

Actually, I do have a few ideas.  I give the writer lots of credit for going absolutely crazy with the concepts here.  The writing's...  kind of clunky, which I'm not sure is intentional, or just a newer writer that hasn't gotten their groove yet.  (Lines like "doctors fight for his life and lose.") Another thing I do give this writer credit for is a sense of humor under it all.  There's a sort of wink-wink nod-nod vibe going on in this one.  Polish your wordsmithing a bit, and let that shine.  

Cheers,

--J (W)

Quoted from wonkavite Another thing I do give this writer credit for is a sense of humor under it all.  There's a sort of wink-wink nod-nod vibe going on in this one...

Lol, I agree...

33.  The Soul Cleaner Vs. Hitler Vs. Kevin by Jasper Kidd - On a Halloween rave, searching for the restroom, drugged up Kevin collides with an overchallenged cleaning power, and Adolf Hitler, whose plan is to send more Ebola to the living.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘The Soul Cleaner Vs. Hitler Vs. Kevin’ this’d better be fun. Juss sayin’.
Nice open. Was expecting more, tho.
Crazy corridor scene! Too bad it was just a dream. Or was it?!
Corvette scene: Okay. That happened.
FINALLY! Halfway through the story The Soul Cleaner and Hitler have arrived.
Ebola. Hmph. If you’re story is going to be silly it should actually be fun.
Whups. My bad. That was just a hallucination. Kinduva short one to hold the story’s title.
Eh… Uh… That just happened.
Over my humble head. Sorry.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- None. Maybe make the story fit the fantastic title better?