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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Demon.Star.31 - OWC
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  Author    Demon.Star.31 - OWC  (currently 4385 views)
bert
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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I have been looking forward to this one since it popped up on the list.

I think you have nailed the tone -- some say "Alien", but I am getting "Event Horizon" -- but the execution is flawed.

All of the puzzle pieces are there, but they are not fitting together quite right.  Part of the problem is Grace showing up out of nowhere, altering the course of this story like a ghost in the machine, vital but unimportant all at once.  Page limitations are likely a factor, but she needs more than you've given her.

I liked this piece more than I did not like it -- for sure -- and the surreal nature of this helps it along, with a style of writing that I enjoyed.  The one thing that threw me was the question about blankets or whatever that was.  I am not really opposed to that technique or anything, it just did not work in this instance, and I recommend that you jettison that line.

You should come back to this one when you have a chance.  Doctor it up a bit and do it proper.  


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!

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bert  -  October 30th, 2014, 11:57am
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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Bit confused, but liked the imagery of the skinless woman and the general, dark, claustrophobic alien feel to it...Particularly liked the coagulated blood of the victims rising in anti-gravity to form the portal for your cephalopodan demon to burst forth from...


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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All in all, easily 1 of the better entries.

There are some awkward phrasings, some overwriting, and some completely unnecessary asides, BUT...I can't help but enjoy this for exactly what it is and what it's meant to be.

Alot doesn't make sense, or just isn't explained, and if you had written what you wanted to in a leaner, meaner way, you'd probably have an extra 2 pages in which to describe these nasty Neo Alchemists, Grace, and just WTF they're doing on this shuttle, or what they're trying to accomplish and why.

There is too much repetition and you also repeated several words, lines, and descriptions to the point where it stood out...in a bad way.

BUT, it's ballsy, it's exciting, and it's actually a fresh take on this challenge, even though it does seem to channel Event Horizon and Alien(s).

It works for me and I give you Kudos for a prety well written and even conceived take on this difficult OWC.
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rendevous
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 5:38am Report to Moderator
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Starting off with a quote from Hamlet. Rather audacious.

Struck me as quite well written. Sojourner's a weird name.

I think if the writer had given the computer a name then the dialogue would have worked better.

It's not bad. As others have said, it's hard not to picture Alien. And indeed Event Horizon.

I think this needs more story. The ritual business in space seems a stretch. I'd have bought it more if this was given a bit more background.

R  


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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 5:57am Report to Moderator
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I like the title page. Maybe I'm weird but if anything would make me remember a script or pick up a script to read, it would be something OUT of the ordinary. Thank you for that.

And I love a quote...I dunno why but I just like it..especially if it fits, really fits with the story.

Not sure if I am liking the bloody woman in the stars. That visual is a bit hard for me but I'm sure with a rewrite it would be more visually engaging for me.

Naked women...Sojourner in just underwear...bound to get some votes just for that (men)

When I read Sojourner's dialogue ...it feels to me like it needs some work. I do like the fact that you show relationships and build connections between the characters. Family. That stuff is so instinctual.

I feel like this needs a rewrite...the descriptions are a bit confusing and the ritual needs to be shown instead of told imo. Everyone is going to say you copied Alien...but I like the Alien vibe if you do it different and you have tried it appears so I don't have a beef with that. Just give this a rewrite ....I'd love to read it again.

Good job.
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dbm
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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Summoning a demon in space.... interesting premise! I don't really buy space tech doing it though. We'll see...

So she knew about the ritual? What kind of shuttle is this?

I know you can't have the computer talk, but the color thing doesn't really work for me. I'd make it a voice in a re-write.

All the demon stuff is meaningless to me. I mean it's cool, but without context, since I don't know what they are doing, it's all white noise (might just be me?)

I don't get the part with Grace. What happened? Who is she? I thought everyone was dead.

What happened at the end? Portal re-opened?

Overall, this wasn't bad, but some parts were confusing, and I don't really get the point or message of it. Did she learn anything? How did any of it tie to her wife and kids?
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CoopBazinga
Posted: November 3rd, 2014, 7:37am Report to Moderator
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Oh no – Shakespeare – I might not enjoy this one.

“She wipes sweat from her forehead” Isn’t the room cold?

“DARK CHAMBER” Literally?

“The process continues, as a circle of women methodically kill themselves.” A gruesome and horrifying image, but I’m lost at what’s happening in the story at the moment – still early days I guess.

How come you didn’t cap the daughter, or give her a name? I can see an extra coming in for this roll then.

Starting to pick up now which is good – I was starting to lose interest.

“The ritual has opened a dimensional bridge to Hell.” Who would do such a thing? Oh, of course, but you have to wonder if the NASA recruitment guys have taken a holiday.

“Sojourner's boots enter.” What about Sojourner?

“Her crew. Slaughtered in a circle.” So everyone is gone? Didn’t she realize this earlier? Seems curious that she never once thought “where is everyone?”

“Captain.” Have we met the Captain?

How come she needs a bracelet to talk to the computer?

“Fuck. The Alchemists. That ritual.” Doh!

“Sojourner keeps running. And running.” Forrest Gump would be proud. Glad to see the action has picked up, but I’m not completely following…

“her Captain's chair.” Oh, she’s the captain – must have missed that at the beginning.

“empty escape pod bays” If the whole crew is dead – who used the escape pods before?

“A nude woman” A few nudity scenes which is normally a good thing.

A few errors creeping in now but no biggie – nice writing for most part.

I didn’t think I was going to enjoy this one at all from the opening few pages but it did get a lot better as it went on. In saying that, I did stumble along and the found that it did become a little repetitive as it got towards the end.

I didn’t like that Sojourner, the captain, just kept hitting the console every few seconds when the ship was changing course. I thought somebody with experience would at least try using some of that to get out of the situation rather resorting straight to “mash the top of telly” routine to get it working again.

The story does lack some back-story… why are the Alchemists on this mission? I also didn’t care for the family reunion at the beginning which served no purpose to the main character and slowed the pace somewhat, but I do understand why you did this. I think Chloe, who sacrifices herself deserves to be involved  more, possibly in the opening pages as that would help the ending but the challenge parameters probably helped in not introducing any of the other crew before the ritual.

In saying all of this, the Alien/Event Horizon feel that I got from this I liked and I think it was a good approach to the challenge - the positives definitely outweigh the negatives.

The writing was decent, few errors spread around and I thought you directed shots just a little too much but I would put that down to preference.

Not bad but has potential to be a lot better.

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CoopBazinga  -  November 3rd, 2014, 8:12am
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wonkavite
Posted: November 3rd, 2014, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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Holy Aliens!  Definitely a Ripley vibe here. And I rather like the fact that the writer created a same-sex marriage for the protag.  (I kind of got the feeling that this takes place in a world where men are completely gone?)  And I'm also impressed with how many SF horror titles we're getting out of the OWC.  Interesting trend.

I'm not sure if it was totally explained WHY the ritual was being conducted.  And I also admit to getting a bit lost towards the end.  But taken as an SF short (as opposed to necessarily an entry in the OWC), this one's quite interesting.

--J
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KPM
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 1:36am Report to Moderator
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Lots of visual stimulation and action.
Sojourner is pretty interesting. Imagining her flitting around that shuttle is rather cool.
Got a little lost at times. Probably just me...
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RJ
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Loved the space setting, definitely different, and Sojourner's name plus how you intro'd her with the home message. I also liked the ritual scenes and when Sojourner asked the computer if she was alive then left her waiting - good suspense tactic.

I liked the suspense you had before grace (even though I have no idea who she was) saved sojourner without being seen and then how the ship go pulled back (though I didn't really get why)

But while parts of this worked, as a whole, IMO, it didn't because as a story needed more. This greatly suffers from page constraint and being rushed along. To get more out of this it needs to be extended to explain a few crucial things. After that though, this would be a great short. Good job.
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RayW
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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7.  Demon.Star.31 by Great Dane - Neo Alchemists open a portal to Hell on a space shuttle orbitting Earth.

Alright, I'm not "really" reading your screenplay, I'm going to "watch"ť this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I "watch."

With a title like 'Demon.Star.31' I'm expecting a place of very wrongful things or a spacecraft of ill repute.
I’m good with that opening image. Have you seen 'LifeForce' Great 1985 camp.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lifeforce_(film)
Odd wrist slitting scene - sure to make sense later.
A progressive couple, nice.
Time delay on communications, nice.
Claws and thrashing tendrils reminds me of the portal in 'Poltergeist', nice.
Great creatures.
Nice skull crush description: "... like a rotting pumpkin."
BTW, I believe I missed the precise reason for the hull breach.
I'm not very clear on who or what Grace is. Isn't she part of the ritual that opened the portal to Hell?
That whole Sojourner/Grace/Flayed woman-demon scene with the razor blade seems pretty random.

The alchemists in space is a nice change in scenery.
With some clarification as to WHY the ritual is performed in space the story would be stronger. Subtle changes require only subtle explanations, violent or big changes require some pretty definitive explanations.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Explain WHY the ritual is in space.
- Explain the cause of the hull breach.
- Find a different tool to cut themselves with, something that belongs on a space shuttle.




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RayW  -  November 8th, 2014, 6:57pm
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PrussianMosby
Posted: November 8th, 2014, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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D E M O N . S T A R . 3 1

Hello,

I also slept a night over this, so I hope to find the important things I can mention.

The introduction of the Captain's family-circumstances went too long. With that you missed the space for establishing the story's preconditions.

There's a hole in the space ship's cladding suddenly and anyhow I missed the point from which this resulted.

I also didn't understand the circumstances which lead to the crew's mass suicide.

That you changed between the characters' names distracted me from reading straight on several times.

There was an amazing moment:

Sojourner closes her eyes and asks...

SOJOURNER
(lost)
Computer? Am I... alive?

This was exciting and thrilling. Though I have to say that her
question before...

"Am I the only living crew member?"

The light blinks green.

... already answered her question. So it's illogic with regards to that. No matter, still, it was a strong moment.

The fantasy was enjoyable, but it reads unfocused to me. You're often too far away from the plot and lose yourself in being repetitive imo. That mirrors the fact you needed every single line of the given 10 page frame. It's always negative to me to see a writer using all the space to the point. I don't think an organic story leads to an end at the very last possible mark.

I can tell you, that if you're able to write a low budget Horror scenario, out of this "alone on a space ship" premise, that would bring you a lot of attention.

For those great plots like, again...

SOJOURNER
(lost)
Computer? Am I... alive?

...You can impress without a lot of money.

By now, there's too much thrown inside here for me.
The approach was very interesting and a minimalistic construction of building tension would result in a thrilling and makeable short film. Lots of possibilities



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Dreamscale
Posted: November 11th, 2014, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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Good job, Dan.  You got 1 of my votes.
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