A Burning Ring of Fire by Name of First Writer - Short, Horror - A tough guy biker must battle demonic forces in order to escape their devious trap.  (R ) - pdf, format

Good setting, strong main character for a horror.  But this never quite fell into place for me.  All the events seemed oddly random, and for an eight page short it felt convoluted, like the writer tried to cram too many horror elements in there.

The classic Woman in White ghost was well done, but once the acolytes and the floating pig and the Zombie Cathy and the Black Dahlia and the Monster Dahlia show up, my interest began drifting into that thick fog.

I think this would have worked better if the biker was somehow connected to the death of Cathy all those years ago and finally had to answer for his sins.

I liked the beginning. A classic set-up, hope it goes somewhere different. A lot of Buzz’s dialogue could be cut though. It’s distracting in places.

I don’t understand why Buzz offers his soul in the middle of all the trippy stuff he’s watching.

Well this went somewhere different, but I have no idea where that was. It was all a bit baffling. Buzz seemed too static for me. He just stood there and watched stuff for the most part. Hooded figures, transforming Cathys and Dahlias. I have no idea what any of it meant.

There were some great visuals in there. I can tell a lot of imagination went into this. I just wish there’d been a more engaging story.

I've got an 'ancient' flip phone and I love it!

Right. Down to the story.

SPOILERS FOLLOW:

He throws the phone away just like that cause he can't get a signal?  
The biker breaks into a run. - This is still Buzz, right?
A levitating pig?!
Of course Dahliia is -super-model gorgeous.
How do you have a low cut Toga? They're usually off one-shoulder.
Zombie Cathy? Hmm, she isn't so pretty.
How does Buzz know the girl's name is C-Cathy? Oh, okay she is the girl who died - but how does he know this is Cathy? I think the connection with the bottle of Jack is a bit flimsy, she could be any girl who's thirsty.

'So, like...Do you
need me to kiss you in order to...I
don’t know...save you?

Has Buzz suddenly morphed into a teenage Californian surfer dude?

Bit of fun, Although I did find myself scanning a bit.
Nice happy ending.

  

I quite liked this one. There's little I can criticise. Only the odd apostrophe out of place. Even I can't put them all in the right place in a short time.

It's as far fetched and preposterous as it gets. But that was kinda the whole point of the challenge.

I could say it should have moved along faster and could do with trimming, but the pacing and length were about right I think. So I won't. Which is rather good. If there's one thing it could do with is revving up in parts and a bit more polish here and there. Much like myself.

R

Title sounds like something that might happen to people after a particularly arduous curry. Logline is a bit wank. I'm bad at them too, so never mind.

Code EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - EVENING A lonely, run down convenient mart...

You had me confused a little here. Do they have convenience marts in the US? Isn't it usually a word associated with market areas or shopping centres? Anyway, that was the first clue that this is a Brit writing as an American.

Code BUZZ, mid-forties with long, grey hair...

Then you did this... grey is UK. Gray is US. So this is a Brit.

This one doesn't have much to hold me to the page. Just a bunch of random stuff happening to a guy that pulls over.

I was first put off by the lady in white thing. It's been done so many times before that I don't find it engaging at all, indeed it puts me off. The writing lacks the type of flow I like and I've found myself skimming.

Everything is so random.

Not one for me.

So, Buss goes to visit his beloved Catherine. They meet and she goes to heaven. All is back to normal after that.

But you have to build up to this. What happened to Catherine? Why she had to come back and embrace Buzz for one last time?

I'm missing drama in this.

Otherwise it's about some biker, and things that happen to him at random, and then he gets to see his deceased wife.

His caracter is careless and goofy - it doesn't fit the story.
It flows well and all but light on the story for me. Beautiful imagery though.

Buzz has some really... Strange dialogue, just seems weak and frankly, idiotic more than anything, especially the amount of times he awkwardly talks to himself and in the manner he does it. I'd like to think it was on purpose but I somehow have a feeling it wasn't intentional.

90% sure I know who wrote this after finishing it. No early notes on the writing, which is always a good sign. I can't really say much here, seems like you wanted to write this kind of story and that's what came out of it. I'm not one to care for unexplained logic in a horror but I think the story would've greatly benefited had we known a gotten a little more attached to the plot, there was something with the white dress going on but it never really expanded. It just feels thin at the moment, almost like it's lacking something. Not a bad effort by all means.

This seems like one of those make-it-up-as-I-go-along things. Characters at the beginning who don't have anything to do with the story. Actions based on whim and whatever else pops into the writer's head. Pointless zombie-ism.

Struck me as funny that the opening "dark ritual" (with the usual red-hooded guys) came across as a southern pig pickin'. I presume this was unintentional, though.

Also, Buzz can't get a cell-phone signal, so he just throws the phone away? Then, after rebuffing the come-hither woman in white, he follows her deep into the woods in hope of finding some "bastards" who have working phones?

I liked the story, all seemed a bit random but it worked for me. I was half expecting him to wake up at the end next to a half eaten bag of shrooms or something.

I don't normally like it when characters speak to themselves but felt it worked here. Good use of the 'only one character can speak' limitation.

I think the best thing by far was how likeable Buzz was. In the logline you refer to him as a 'tough guy biker' though. He didn't come across this way.  When he was in the convenient store I was expecting him to rob the place, not give the kid a tip. Seemed like more of a 'friendly biker' to me.

This was a fast and easy read. It had some hint of Brothers Grim lore, a flaming pentagram, levitating swine, and (my favorite) a reference to the Black Dhalia... which I thought was going to be capitalized on, but...

I guess the 10 foot tall Monster Dhalia with great talons for hands and fangs like daggers that drip with green and slimy saliva; does come off a little spookier than a mutilated woman.

It was actually entertaining enough; I'm just curious why Buzz changed his tune later on down the road. At first he was a wise/ bad ass biker with nothing to lose, and then... they stand, hug and hold hands? OK.

Decent effort for the challenge.

In the sick world of SS we try and work out who the writer is. A clever routine is to pretend you are novice. Are you a novice, first writer, or are you not?

Let's see, I will soon know...maybe...

Ok, here is a genuine guess..

I have read no comments. I haven't read any part of the script...but...I took one glance, and the first para was two lines. that's all. Good sign. Ok, to my guess...this will be ok...now stop waffling and lets see...

JEFF!!! Has to be you... Good line the with irrelevant detail

Now it's a woman in white - JEFF again...

God, if I'm wrong .... It was late...I was drunk.... They are only words etc etc

Mind you it has a, suddenly, not sure Jeff would use that. Am I wrong?

LIKE - the road side grave, nice choice

Maybe too many 'then' for JEFF . I'm back off now...

Ok, I like the memory at a spot. Good idea.

No Halloween. Not interworld portal .

God knows who, I'm probably wrong...

Like the premise.  Who doesn’t like seeing tough guy bikers throw-down against demons?

Was liking this till you threw away the phone.  Why’d you throw away the phone?  Does Buzz not get the concept?  Guessing he must go through a lot of phones…  Problem is it’s unrealistic behavior, simply for sake of plot and now I’m primed to look for other logic flaws…  

Aren’t most bikers pretty handy with their bikes?  I mean, at least have a fiddle around, maybe kick a tyre or two before calling AAA.

How do we know it’s a ghostly hand if it’s invisible?  Could be a very tall ghost with a sick sense of humour…  That Dahlia’s 10 feet tall...

You really started to lose me with the appearance of the Acolytes.  Buzz’s actions just kept on coming across as forced to fit the idea.

Sorry I can’t be more positive on this -- some decent writing but the story lacked any real set-up and pay-off.

No arse ring jokes?

I'm disappointed.

Gave me a laugh, at least.

This is a joy to read.  Buzz is a great character, ideal choice for a story with only one person speaking; he seems used to having one sided conversations with the world that doesn't pay much attention to him but he hasn't given up trying.

And just look at him pulling up weeds near the roadside memorial, great moment.

This script  is skillfully written -- filmed, it could be a Halloween classic.  

Dunno about this one.

The story isn't all that engaging and the end with the fight was boring to me.

Some of Buzz's dialogue was weak too.

I think with a bit of work this could be quite good though. There's a good story in there. Just needs to be worked on.

A BURNING RING OF FIRE

Hello,

"No signal" - classic

"Lady, unless you got a cell
phone with some mother fuckin’
bars, I don’t wanna deal with you
right now!"

I think you try too hard to make Buzz empathetic to us via dialogue. That whole tone doesn't work imo because of the big fantasy aspect here. It's too ironic for me to reach for such a guy. So, I focus on those demons, but they were so many, and finally Buzz gets a happy end... I wanted it the other way here.

Some visuals were good but it didn't grab me and I didn't feel or fear for somebody. I enjoyed the lone rider flair and that made me hoping for another story with a more serious prot ...

This story didn't do it for me. I enjoyed Buzz's character description, but still it doesn't work. Buzz should be the subject of that sentence, not the bike. Also, you use a "like" comparison twice in one sentence.

I think flip phones are already considered ancient, makes it feel self-aware. Kind of a little bit too romantic for me. Although Buzz was an interesting character, he still seemed out of place for the moment at the end.

BUZZ
I guess it is Hallow-fuckin’ ween,
ain’t it...I could use some free
candy ‘bout now. - kind of on the nose. Did he need to point that out? Wasn't it obvious?

Not sure the point of the opening scenes -- what did it tell me about him? Not much. He drives a Harley, he smokes. It's Halloween.

"Frustrated,
he hurls it into the woods." -- Argg!! I'm so sick of people throwing away their cell phones in screenplays. Who does that???

"BUZZ
Hope one these bastards has a god
damned cell phone..." - because I threw mine away for no reason at all.

"The biker breaks into a run." -- why? And is he running to the scream, or away from it?? Also, he has a name, right?

EXT. PENTAGRAM CLEARING -- I'm not really a fan of these locations - they tell me nothing.

How did he know it was Cathy?

There is a lot going on here, but I'm not really invested in it, nor do I know why it's taking place, nor is the only character I know about in danger, so... why do I care?

Wow, he's very causal about the whole thing, isn't he? No big.

OK, I didn't really get this one. He saved her by kissing her?

Fast paced. Silly moments. Tons of gore. Creative and elaborate demons.

Dang, smokes are cheap in Florida. Wait, I’m in Canada, free health care. Makes sense, more ways than one. Haha. Not sure why Buzz talks to himself when he sees the costumed kid. I guess to let us know that he’s not the type of guy to keep track of stupid stuff like what day it is. I jest. And isn’t a little old to trick r treat, or is he planning on stealing from a kid. Let’s see what type of guy Buzz really is…

Hmmm. Traditional ghost story territory. Could be interesting. I wonder how you will interpret this familiar tale of the Woman in White. Oooh. Nice. Looks like we’re blending a few familiar tropes. I’m liking this turn to the Occult. Those Acolytes should be pretty imposing on-screen.

Wow. Now I shit you not, I was going to do this OWC about the Black Dahlia too. I was thinking she wanted stardom so bad she sold her soul to the Devil. End result, he left that hideous corpse behind, after he erupted from within the shell of her body (the –portal-). But I couldn’t crack that nut to make it all gel to satisfaction. And it’s such a sad story of a true person I wasn’t sure of its exploitive effect. Let’s see what you do with it… I’m excited to see how you incorporate the infamous (true) horror story of Elizabeth Short (if I remember her name correctly).

Now when she smiles, is it that horrendous (Heath Ledger Joker-type) sliced smile? I think you could embellish this to reflect the way most of us remember her discarded disfigured corpse. Whoah. So it looks like two demon women are fighting over a man ( a.k.a. dinner ?)  With that crazy inventive monster stuff, I’m not sure you needed to reference a real life person like Dahlia. She could just be another victim of these woods/road. For me, the reference definitely grabbed my attention, I just think you need a good reason to include her. but maybe it's just me. Also... the way her body was violated and positioned, one could easily draw comparisons to the Occult… That said, you really created a horrific creation. A lot of those creature details are great. Epic monster stuff. Kudos.

The battle ends. Cathy wants a kiss like in a fairy tale. That was funny dialogue from Buzz there: “fuck. I knew you were gonna say that.” Haha. Maybe you could embellish some grossness for the kiss. Build it up instead of an instant harmless peck. Make us worried that she’s going to kill him or bite off his face or something. Maybe you could extend the actual kiss so we can squirm in our seats wondering on this even more. As is, he kisses her, everything disappears, and everything is fine. I guess this kiss allowed her to pass on to the Otherside or something?

Happy ending tied together too quickly.  Good gore. Tremendous creatures.      *    *    (of 5)

I'm of a mixed mind about this one.  Whoever wrote it *does* definitely know how to write (the opening description of Buzz and his Harley was particularly inspired.)  But by the time the story arced into the seance, etc, I felt we'd run into some generic Halloween territory.. which then got a bit goofy.  The character and setup's great - I just wish you'd done something more unique with it!  Loved Buzz's various quips.  But he needs a more solid story built around him, IMO.

Cheers,

--J (W)

Terrific description of Buzz. Interested in following him right away...
May be a few too many ghoulish female characters. Might tighten the story a bit to follow Buzz's pursuit of Catherine/Cathy. Perhaps also Black Dahlia/Monster Dahlia. She is good color.
Might trim some of Buzz's dialog. He talks to himself a lot. The description is so good that Buzz's extra comments are really needed.
The title is a perfect fit.

Oh, good – this is written by name of first writer. I fully expected it to be Elvis because of the title.

You should have a colon after “fade in” Am I being picky? Yeah, but who cares, it’s the little details that matter.

“between Tampa and Ocala.” Help me out here; I have no idea where these places are?

The character is called Buzz – love it! Takes me back to Home Alone, you know, Kevin’s horrible older brother. In saying that, I do like the description of both him and the bike- good job.

How did the boy know what Buzz wanted? I guess that tapping his keys is some kind of known signal.

“A PRINCESS, 7” Literally, like she’s just stepped out of Frozen.

The way you tell the character’s ages is so inconsistent- “mid-forties, late teens to  7, and (20’s)” I know it won’t bother most and it shouldn’t me to be fair, but I found that it stuck out to me and that’s why I make this comment. I always find it best to be consistent.

“A WOODED ROAD” Is this right? Is the road literally made of wood? That’s strange.

“wooden sign” Wooden road – wooden sign… makes sense.

“RIP Catherine M. Mooney” And the road or spot is called “Catherine’s spot” Then there’s the woman in white – my spidey sense is tingling.

“The man glances across the road.” The man? Try not to do this, it will confuse readers.

“Buzz pulls out an ancient flip phone.” Is dust falling off the phone or something? Why is it ancient, and more to the point, why does Buzz throw it away? I feel this is gonna be the start of some stupid decisions.

“ghostly brilliance.” Seems like something Egon Spengler would say.

We’re at the halfway point and have learnt nothing of Buzz, other than he has an older phone.

“BLACK DAHLIA” Okay, you’ve lost me a bit now.

“with a desperate look in her remaining eye” Good line- do we know Cathy? For some reason, I feel like we should – well, Buzz does anyway.

Why is Buzz so quick to jump in and sacrifice himself for Cathy? I get the sense that he knows her, but you forgot to inform the reader so this is just confusing for us I’m afraid.

I like that Buzz has to dust down his jeans before entering a fire- it’s like he’s about to enter a club or something – still cool till the end.

“The red-hooded figure hits a tree and explodes.” Was the red-hooded figure really a grenade?

How does Buzz slip out of his leather jacket when the monster is holding his wrist?

“Buzzes”?

“I owe you one.” I’m sorry but what the hell just happened – I feel like I’ve missed the story here. Who are all these people?

Why can’t zombie Cathy not speak – she seems intelligent enough for a zombie.

“He pulls a few more weeds and smiles.” And now he’s gardening, I must have missed something here?

I’ve never been on a bike in my life so forgive me for my lack of knowledge – do you really have to go through a whole procedure to start the bike? In a car, you turn the ignition, and the car starts. Also, and more importantly – does it really matter to the story?

I struggled with this, and I can’t even find a story to be honest. Random biker stumbles upon a (sacrifice?) gathering and it turns out a person (Cathy) who he knows turns up and kills the monster that was there because…?

This was all over the place for me. Who was the woman in white? What’s with the mom and daughter at the beginning?

The black dahlia? Cathy? The Acolytes? Nothing comes together here, and I have to wonder what the story plan was?

Buzz is so weak as a protag – no idea who this character is or his relationship with Zombie Cathy, not to mention the whole point of it all. The woman in white led him there to save Cathy? Is that the purpose? Who is Cathy to him? That’s the question, and once you find that, you can go from there – My guess is that Cathy is supposed to be Catherine, as in the road and sign, but you changed her name which is confusing, but how the hell does Buzz know that’s her – possibly a picture on the sign he found?

This story was just too random for my tastes, and nothing came together for a satisfying tale.

3 more scripts to go...WHOOPEE!!!

Notes, as I go...

Opening Slug is not good, but the passage that follows is downright poor.

Uh oh...now we have a cheesy aside...already?  This could be a very quick exit.

"BOY CLERK" - LOL, really?  In his late teens?  Funny, as a different script described 19 year olds as men and women, and this dude in his late teens is given the name "BOY CLERK.  And he's reading a fashion magazine?  Is he gay?

So BOY CLERK knows Buzz and what he wants?  Or are they psychic...or maybe only 1 character can speak.

"10" - You need to spell this out.

"current model" - as apposed to the non current model?  Does this matter?  Really?

OK, the first page is very poor and nothing of any interest takes place.

And the next 2 pages are just as bad or maybe worse.  Sorry, but the writing is very poor, the dialogue laughable, and the story completely nonexistant.

I really wanted to read these last 3 all the way through and provide good feedback, but I'm sorry, I just can't put myself through anymore here.

2.  A Burning Ring of Fire by Name of First Writer - A tough guy biker must battle demonic forces in order to escape their devious trap.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘A Burning Ring of Fire’ I expect to see something just like that, kinda witchcrafty gothic cleansing/destroying fire ring stuff.
Buzz and his bike are good, I like his charity to CStore clerk.
At the roadside memorial I think Buzz’d shorten “Damn. Sorry to hear, Catherine.” to “Kate” or “Katey.”
Buzz throwing his cell phone just because it’s out of tower in a forest seems a bit rash.
On film I think we should see the ghost hand that touches Buzz’s shoulder.
For practicality’s sake, it’s going to be kinda difficult to have A) a fire on the ground at night, with B) hooded acolytes standing facing the fire while C) their faces remain in shadows. The fire on the ground is going to cast light upward into their cloak hoods. Just sayin’... Physics is wonky that way.
Well, sheeeeet. This story is all over the place. We got biker buzz, ghost Kate, hooded acolytes in the woods at a burning pentagram, pig sacrifice, flame columns, sexy creepy Black Dahlia, and zombie Cathy.
Is zombie Cathy somehow related to ghost Catherine? Yeah, for future story craft reasons you might wanna better sync those two kinds of points together.
And it’s kinda weird to have her rotted corpse buried in the forest yards away from where she died at the roadside. Property owners are kinda weird about that stuff, but maybe there’s more to it than just that, but… blah blah blah.
Some serious WTF-ery going on by the appearance of Black Dahlia.
Awfully nice of Buzz to offer to give his soul for BDahl to leave Cathy alone.
Monster Dahlia: Cooooool.
Buzz is a GD idiot for attacking monster Dahl. Maybe he’s a “biker with a heart of gold!”, a variant of the “hooker with a heart of gold.”
Buzz fights pretty good for having his whiskey buzz half burned off.
Wow. That was one short night.

Wow. Okay. That was some crazy shit. I think Buzz might’ve been shroomin a wee bit.
Interesting show. Thank you.  

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Title needs to be more ghost/roadside/memorial/biker oriented.
- To further put a point on Buzz’s kind-loner “biker with a heart of gold” have him give his cigarette change to the kid Princess for candy, and a nice, not lewd, wink & smile at Mom.
- Have Buzz shove his cell phone back in his pocket.
- Keep the variations of Catherine narrowed down to the ghost and rotted corpse until the end when her full form appears before disappearing.