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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Da Horns - OWC
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  Author    Da Horns - OWC  (currently 6485 views)
Forgive
Posted: November 1st, 2014, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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WTF? Is this a script or a short story? I don't think the author's got a clue where one ends and the other begins. Fudge whatever you want
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Last Fountain
Posted: November 1st, 2014, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hell hath no fury like…a woman(?)

Appetizing Cajun flavour. Atmospheric. Creature-ific. Strong visuals. Um… Nudity.

Good intro with the traditional vision of Hell. A faceless woman with a hacksaw makes for an intriguing horror image. Nice one. Not sure why you mentioned lesbian sex there, but I thank you. I wonder if it could be better woven in. It seems to suggest that she is lesbian too, since your description mentions she’s tempted but doesn’t stop. This teaser does its job and grabs my attention right away.

I wonder if these scenes need a bit more transitioning between them. It seems like your establishing a few things early on. I like the idea that we might have a more complicated short here. Consider the effect all of the multiple scene shifts (in 1 page – or 1 minute) will have on a viewer. For me, it’s hard to get my bearings. Who is the focus on? Probably that canoer even though he has the least screen time.

The phonetic dialogue helps add a little (Cajun) flavour to the proceedings. I appreciate this sort of unique character stuff. It helps make them memorable. Or even this short. It’s the swamp one. So I think you selected a successful setting and style of dialogue. I like how you showed us Mariella chopping off her horns, right before we learn that if she has grown horns she’s already passed the point of no return. She can’t come back or be helped. Sad. I like the dramatic irony there too. We know it’s a hopeless quest, but Jacob doesn’t. I’d actually consider pairing the dialogue about the horns with the image of the horns – to land with more impact and clarity. Good stuff.

I like the atmosphere. Those little details really help. I think you could maybe re-word one phrase. From: “the vines and vegetation grow like time lapse swallowing the cabin up” – into something like: “vines quickly swallow the cabin”. It condenses the material but still keeps that creepy image alive. This is just an example of how to shorten those longer details that really help create atmosphere.  We need details to lead us into the horror, for build-up – it’s like foreplay. You gotta tease us in the right way. Then deliver the scare/climax. I digress… I like how Jacob has essentially past the point of no return himself though. And I love how the atmospheric details continue. They help put me there, since we don’t get the manipulation of music (which, on-screen, helps horror a lot in regard to atmosphere).

Some gothic scary eroticism, eh. That’s a conflict of emotions / urges going on. I hate to say it, but I like it when a horror movie challenges me like this. It’s strange and unsettling. So good stuff there too. Wow. Back with Jacob and the twisted bayou. A lot of creepy and fantastic (re: fantasy, like mermaid) creatures.

Some internal details help convey Jacob’s emotions during the reunion scene. But I feel like you could rework the description to something more visual. I like the internal detail but I would like it paired with an image to better excuse the more novel appropriate elements.

I really liked the bridge/portal idea. And I loved how it crumbled as they ran for the “otherside”.  This would be an intense moment on screen, for sure.  A lot of running going on throughout the short though.  

Days later (?) , after being freed from Hell, Miriella smells a flower. Then crushes it. Did something else “cross-over” with her? Does she have a “dark passenger” on board. I like that visual approach to hint at this mystery. A strong image. I sense a twist a brewing. And the reveal. So the demon possessed (?) Miriella killed her saviour. She can’t hide the beast within, the horns grow back. I like that ending. I kind of saw it coming, but so what. It was effective. I just wish you didn’t describe them as “DA” horns in the description. What’s up with that? Er, I mean, whaddup wit dat, mon chere? An extra pinch of Cajun flavour for the end, I guess. That said, I’m not a fan of the title. There’s got to be something better - even if it’s “bland” like THE HORNS. After-all, how much flavour does a “DA” really add?

Compelling. Strong visuals. Good atmosphere. Effective ending.   Bad title.     *    *    *     (of 5)


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

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Gum
Posted: November 1st, 2014, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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Nice visuals, I could actually smell the bayou (I didn't say lesbian sex). The opening image as well, from the depths, puts me in mind of Constantine and his periodic bouts with the underworld; it immediately set the mood for what lies ahead.

The drawing of Mariella's horns, via blunt tool (a painful method) in order to mask her temperance of what she is/has become, therefore hiding her true form from Jacob (her perceived saviour) is a clever scene indeed.  And lo'...  I am a wolf in sheep's clothing. Preying on Jacobs animal lust and vulnerability to ensure he only sees her 'Skin Deep' will allow her transportation through the portal unhindered, at least, not by Jacob.

The (O.S) dialog from KORA is somewhat confusing. Is she still in the cabin, but can project her conscious form to the cave? It took me out for a double read.

Near the end, the image of Miriella destroying something beautiful (the flower), simply because she can, really gives credence to the fact; "You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl"

A creative and haunting story...
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Last Fountain
Bad title.     *    *    *     (of 5)


Completely disagree!

Great title, actually.  Unique, compelling, and totally in line with the theme and flavor of this kickass script.

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Kyle
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 8:19am Report to Moderator
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This one isn't ideal for someone who keeps chickens and has a canoe. That said, I really enjoyed it. There was certainly a lot going on here, mermaids, lesbians, an octopus like creature.

The first time around I didn't get a lot of it, especially the ending. I went back looking for things that I'd missed and ended up starting again from the beginning.

When I read 'And if’n she done grown da horns, it’s too late, she’s pass’d over an ya gotta leave’r be.', which I somehow missed the first time, it all clicked into place.

What really stood out was the way the writer handled the 'otherworld' concept. The use of the bridge is unique and clever and the contrast between the two sides was awesome.

Excellent job. My favourite so far.  
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MattD
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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Very cool. Couldn't really add anything more to what's already been said. Is that a cop out? I also enjoyed the Cajun dialog and thought it elevated the style to another level. I missed the earlier comment about the horns as well and had to go back and read it again to get the ending. Oops. It's made clear enough though. I must've been skimming or zoning at the time.
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c m hall
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Mariella carrying a hacksaw, walking past the temptresses -- that's dazzling, it's got to be the box office poster.

It's a mesmerizing story.  
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dead by dawn
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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I love the writing on display.  Some parts would be awesome on screen.  Very cool images.
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nawazm11
Posted: November 3rd, 2014, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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The caps doesn't read well in the opening, no reason for it to be there. Also, fix that title page up, it doesn't look good.

Struggling with the writing, you seem to jump between scene description, the back to the action at hand, and then back to the scene description. Becomes hard to follow, at least for me.

Not a fan of the accented English dialogue either, reminds of the Frenchman script to be honest. Moving on...

"the vines and vegetation grow like time lapse
swallowing the cabin up." Describe it for me.

"Things turns darker here." Not sure if I understand that.

Well, uh, this was... Strange. Can't say I'm a fan, but I can see it appealing to a few people. There were a lot of questionable choices here, especially with the writing, tonnes of instances where I was just left there scrunching my brow. A few other strange choices with the story as well, not entirely sure what to write really. The entry's definitely got something special about it, but it's not my thing.
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wonkavite
Posted: November 4th, 2014, 8:22am Report to Moderator
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Some really great imagery in here.  Lesbian sex?  Uh, ooooookay.....  

I think it could be streamlined a bit.  Shorten Jacob's path a touch to get to the Mirella faster.  And clarify the ending.  I personally didn't understand why she killed Jacob until I went back and scanned other reader's comments.  (Which, admittedly, has a little bit to do with the deadline of getting everything read before Friday.)  

Some great lines in this one.  For instance, "This is what he came for and this is
what heï¿¿s taking back with him and even death wasnï¿¿t going to
stop him."  My thoughts: just condense it into a more streamlined package (with or without the lesbian sex), and it'll work even better.

--J (W)

PS: Kora's my favorite character, here.  By far.
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stevemiles
Posted: November 5th, 2014, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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Nosy nipples?  Cold day in hell presumably...

Thought the portal set-up had a lot going for it and you got all the exposition out early (and by no means badly) and allowed the rest of the story to unfold.

Figures a guy wouldn’t notice a pair of freshly sawn off horn stumps on his gf’s head -- though I’m splitting hairs here...

An entertaining read, though I couldn’t quite place the tone.  The whole lesbian thing and the CABIN IN THE WOODS slug makes me think the writer was on the fence as to how seriously they wanted this to be taken.  The writing was hit and miss -- I’m guessing a last minute entry without a decent read through…

Would have liked a little more time with the characters to get a better feel for them -- the space was there to explore the idea, but again I’m not sure the intention was ever serious enough to care for it.  I enjoyed it for what it was -- you had a good time writing it, I had fun reading it -- think it could have done with a little more to make us care for the characters.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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CoopBazinga
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 7:18am Report to Moderator
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Lesbians – I’m in!

Well, it’s well written so it’s from one of the veterans – that’s good. I hope the story gets a little clearer though, some good visuals but I’m completely lost to what’s happening.

“EXT. CABIN IN THE WOODS”” Oh no, it’s gonna be one of these stories. No, I’m going to give this one the benefit of the doubt, I have confidence because of the good writing,

“It’s legs” its – no issue – did I mention I like the writing here.

I can see the dialogue might be an issue for me – it makes me stumble when reading which is a shame because you’ve put some thought into it. I’m gonna put this down on me – it’s my problem.

There’s a massive space between scenes on page 4 – don’t know if that was an extra tap of the spacebar and you never noticed?

Wait a minute… now Jacobs on a bridge – was there originally something in-between that massive space? Feels like I’ve missed a scene here.

“as she passes until she stops.” Tad awkward.

“nosy nipple.” What’s a nosy nipple? Better than a nosy neighbour I guess.

“other side.” That’s cute – I like the way you did this.

It’s becoming a bit of a heavy read now but all the nudity is a positive.

That felt rather easy for them to get together, guess we missed Miriella’s previous battle in the cave – hopefully it will be more testing to get out of this hellhole… with Lesbians – it doesn’t sound bad now I think about it.

“She pulls him into (the) woods” There have been a lot of woods around – wonder how they would survive in the fiery abyss – some special seeds or something, possible from the local garden centre.

“He scans her body up and down.” Sly dog, the horns would have been on her head – that was just an excuse.

Yeah, the writing started off really strongly but some things are becoming a little annoying now, the constant use of a period, or lack of a comma here and there – this is preference on my part for sure, but it also hurts the read. I like asides, but you have one that tests the limits – it’s just too long IMO.

“EXT. BRIDGE – CONTINUOUS” It can’t be continuous – Jacob’s already halfway across.

“Jacob lays on the brakes.” He’s running right?

“they are running for their life.” But they’re not. And I also have to ask from whom? Unless the vines are still chasing them?

The use of “she” becomes tiresome – could use her name more.

From that fantasy world to a… bungalow – talk about a change.

“sexy as shit and she knows it” Sassy – did she learn anything from the experience?

Cool, this was only 6 pages – that gives you some bonus points.

This was definitely a wild ride, but never once did I feel felt our guys were in trouble – it all seemed rather easy and I didn’t understand a lot of it. What’s with the lesbians – why was Miriella even there? In saying that, if Mariella is already a demon then maybe that’s why “they” made it easy.

Yeah, nice writing for most part although I did stumble at some points but the story fitted nicely together, especially for 6 pages so good job.
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RayW
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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5.  Da Horns by Samuel Wayman - Would you go to the depths of hell to bring back someone you loved?

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Da Horns’ I’m expecting horns growing where they ought not to be. Let’s see…
(Format police be damned, learn how to make a proper title page. Thank you.)
Interesting opening image. Good thing you told me about the lesbians, couldn’t see that on the screen. Oh, you mean the woman is walking through a charred abysmal landscape of lesbians all over engaged in sex! Gotcha.
Kora gets the snake out of the box - then - puts it right back in. Okay.
Oh, so Jacob knows this routine of drinking the chicken’s blood. Interesting.
Chicken intestines dried out mighty fast.
This is looking pretty good, BTW. I’m pleased.
Fantastic bridge sequence.
After Jacob and Miriella reunite I’m starting wonder where did she get that convenient saw from? And BOY did she do a good job of sawing off those horns close enough to their stumps so as to be hidden by casual hair. Quite impressive.
Annnnnnnd… the film’s over.

Uh… arr… eh… This is a crude mosaic of some really good material.
The Hellish abyss is good. The bayou swamp witch and her two rules are good. The crossover bridge is great. The twist end is… potentially good. All stewed together in a katamari ball… would benefit from some round-peg-into-round-or-oval-hole workmanship.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- The title’s a little on the nose.
- Kora cuts the chicken’s throat with a worn paring knife, not her fingernail.
- Kora should open the gizzard and pour its contents into a mortar, grind that up, add other mystical effects to it.
- The rest… IDK. The fundamental premise is great, tho.



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mmmarnie
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
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Well, no doubt this is fantasy. Wowzer. Those are some amazing visuals. Very cool story. Love the title. My fave. The end.


boop
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Abe from LA
Posted: November 8th, 2014, 2:54am Report to Moderator
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Not my favorite but a pretty good entry none the less. The visuals in this stand out. You can keep the lesbians, as I'll take the creature under the canoe as that was pretty creepy and cool. Same for the bat-liked winged creatures. Quite a world you've created. I like the ending, again a strong visual scene. Lots of good fantasy elements on display. Not a fan of the title, but it'll do, pig. Nice work for one week.
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