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Okay. Odd. You have very clear visuals, which is good, and limited writing skills which is okay. The overall picture doesn't quite work for me, but it's worth working on -- but I think you're more director than writer. If that's okay.
I think you have a great little tales of the crypt type story. I like the whole government conspiracy type thing you have going and how you handled the one person dialogue issue by freezing people - this was intriguing. With that said, along with the good comes the bad:
Pg 2: If you cut 'trick-or-treat' in the description (you have Eric saying it a second later) and cut "it's Halloween?" from Eric's dialogue then it would look and read tighter, IMO.
I do like your description of the bug - nice - but, I'd also put a space in between the description at the end of page 2 after 'hairy antennae covering it's head.' - 'It's bulbous, black eyes move around rapidly.' could be easily pushed to the next line. Actually that whole chunk of description could be broken up to read smoother - that could also be done with the next bit too. Reading on - you could break up most of your description to make for an easier read all round.
plenty of 'ing' and 'ly' words - too many, IMO.
page 3: I'd forgoten he had a camera with him - this could have been used a lot more to add suspense to the scene - have him scared, but interested, using the camera as his device to investigate.
I didn't get why the parents would be pulling their kids away from Eric for being muddy when i'm sure there would be worse dressed adults - specially on Halloween.
I kind of threw me a bit that Mr. Freeley was still frozen because you had said that everyone unfreezes earlier. If you had have stated that everyone except Mr. Freeley unfreezes this would have coincided better and have been more creepy - leaving the audience wanting to know 'why?'
-Eric looks at his cupboards, which have already been turned inside out.
ERIC I've got nothin'. - we can see that he's got nothing. Adding it in dialogue is superfluous.
Another example would be:
ERIC Thank God! The cops!
Drop 'The cops!' The audience doesn't like to be portrayed as idiots - and I'm not saying that's what you're trying to do, but showing us everything and then explaining it through dialogue as well, makes it feel this way.
I didn't quite get why the bugs didn't try to attack Eric at the start and why he was the cause of them scurrying off and unfreezing everything. Sorry to say, but I didn't get the ending either.
That's not to say that this story was a bad idea, you can see a lot of effort has gone into it and with work this could be a neat little short.
The opening scene is an interesting one. I think it could work really well in the hands of a decent actor and it grabbed my attention from the get-go.
I don't think things went that well afterwards. Eric's dialogue was poor, a lot of "what the fuck is going on" lines, a lot of Eric talking to himself even during the vlog scenes. I found it difficult to take in him running around like that with his camera right up in everyone's face, it felt rather unrealistic and silly. For a vlog it didn't seem like much of a vlog after page 2.
Once the script got to the action I felt like it got very convoluted, shadows, time stopping, big creatures with needles going in peoples' heads, a witch, police officers with guns and a superhero...?
Because of all of that shoved together without much of an actual connection established I felt like the ambiguity of what Operation: Sleepwalker was didn't quite work.
The best writing here shined through in the horror aspects of the story, some were legitimately creepy and well done. The rest of it needs plenty of work in my opinion. There were also aspects which made me doubt whether this was a serious entry or a pisstake - most of them were in the dialogue, tripping over a superhero however also stood out. Sorry, this wasn't for me.
I wanted to like this one. There was alot of positives here -- good story that flowed well, and the premise I liked alot: no one can see them but me. I felt him being a recovering addict was good, and you stayed away from the contrived "it was just a bad trip" ending.
This would have worked for me if you had done a few things differently. Eric didnt start freaking out about these bugs until about halfway through. He could have been freaked out the moment he saw one stick a kid in the head. By waiting, you lost any tension that could've been built, and turned it into something that didnt really seem to take itself seriously. Eric acted pretty casual and unafraid of what was happening around him. It just didnt work that way for me. Also, towards the end your large 6 line action blocks slowed it way down. This is your climax. The one thing you need to do is keep the tension rolling, which you had finally managed to achieve, although a little too late.
But this was pretty good. It was clear, and I knew where I was in it. Would like to see this one reworked a bit. I feel it can be a pretty good story.
Cool title – reminds me of Blade or something, but that copyright on the opening page doesn’t give me a great first impression – I’m already on the fence.
Not a great opening with the camcorder – this means nothing to us so it’s superfluous.
“princes.” Princess.
This started out with some nice terse writing but that style has changed completely - I think it needs to be tightened in some areas as it’s becoming a strenuous read at the moment.
He is running after that creepy bug thing, right? Let me get this straight, instead of running away like a sane person, he chases after to ask “You saw everyone freeze too.” Not “What the fuck are you?”
Eric talking to himself doesn’t work at all. Sometimes it’s cringe-worthy.
Yeah, Eric reminds of David Brent from the office for some reason now.
“I better get changed before someone calls the cops.” Should I be laughing now – must admit that I find Eric amusing.
“It pulls it's needle out of it's face.” Strange place to keep it – watch of for its vs it’s.
How many more times can Eric shout out “No!”?
Didn’t care for this one I’m afraid – Eric came off comedic which I don’t think was your intention?
It opens with Eric job hunting; he sees some creature and then runs home to change because he looks homeless. Yeah, that’s what takes his interest, not the frozen peeps or strange creatures. He then takes off again because he’s out of food – he must have eaten all that cereal earlier.
What makes it stranger is that he only decides to call his parents on the second viewing of the creatures that are turning people into mindless zombies. Not the first time, but the second. Talk about being one relaxed dude. There is absolutely no meaning to this story, Eric overcomes nothing, nor does he change as the story moves on while the ending with the guys in hazmat suits falls flat.
I think you need to take a step back and think about what story you’re trying to tell and its theme.
How come the creatures didn’t attack Eric? Maybe it’s because he’s using and the creatures don’t like that – much like the alien in Species. I think it would also help if we meet Cass and the parents to see their relationship with Eric. Some background on the strange creatures wouldn’t go amiss as well while I’m at it.
There could be a decent little story here but it needs to be redeveloped and made clearer – the whole camcorder business didn’t really play a part and seemed to just be there so Eric talks to himself. The ending could work, if there is a hint earlier on about the government and some weird experiments. Maybe we learn there is an army base nearby or something along those lines. Like most OWC’s, it’s the lack of dialogue that was the problem.
These bigger ideas need a little exposition or they just confuse the reader.
Interesting. I really like the premise on this one. It's very basically written (with typos due to the rush). And it's a touch long (you could pull this off with a few pages shaved off.) But the critters are new and different, and I'll give you definite points on that.
Is it appropriate to the OWC challenge? Eh. Depending on the interpretation of it, yes. But not without a bit of "wiggle room." Nonetheless, this is one of the scripts coming out of the OWC that I'd like to see polished and developed further.
So, by the time I've reached what should be "FADE IN:", you've got 3 screaming red flags already, which would normally cause me to stop immediately. I'll try and stay in, though.
"DAY (LATER)" - No, just "LATER"
Eric's talking to himelf is getting very annoying, very quickly.
OK, I tried, but this is quite ridiculous and very poorly written. I'm wondering why kids are Trick or Treating during the day, and why Eric just got dressed and expects to look for a job on Halloween, as Trick or Treating has already begun. Does that make any sense? NOt to me. I'm out. Sorry.
Premise carries a lot of potential. Main issue for me is the execution lacks tension -- you introduce us to Eric and his drug issues before throwing him straight into the action. Granted there’s only so much you can do within the parameters but building more tension into this could have elevated the horror.
What part did Eric’s drug issues play? It’s a good angle given the premise -- who’d believe a recovering addict? Unfortunately it remains surplus to the action here.
I was also confused by the camcorder angle. The found footage/documentary style approach can work well for horror, but it seemed inconsistent and I was never sure of the POV we were supposed to be seeing this from. It took me a second read to figure out it’s really just for an excuse for Eric to speak to himself.
Good premise, with some nice touches and an interesting main character; but the lack of tension and time spent establishing elements that didn’t come back into play left this feeling rushed with Eric’s actions forced to fit. I do think, if this is your kind of thing, that this is an idea worth revisiting.
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Talking into a camera -- great idea! I think the only one to do so.
Big block of text end of page 2 - should break it up. (p9 too)
Eric is very nonchalant, chasing a bug faced creature like it's no big.
"You saw everyone freeze too." -- too on the nose, and not needed.
He still has his camera? Might want to mention that -- like wouldn't he have gotten close-ups of the frozen people, etc?
"ERIC Looks ok." - not really needed.
"Parents hustle their children away from him." -- people are really that afraid of a guy in wet clothes? Especially on Halooween! Or is he a bug now... hmm...
"ERIC Damn. Thing can take a beating." - I hope all this camera dropping\commenting on pays off.
"ERIC Ugh. I better get changed before someone calls the cops." -- People call the cops if your clothes are dirty? Why would he think that?
"ERIC This is Mr. Freeley. Look at this." -- I still don't understand why he's not freaking out.
I like this, but the one problem I'm having is that Eric is running around seeing all this stuff, but it really doesn't mean anything. How does it relate to his drug addiction? Is there any deeper meaning in any of it, or is it all just random? If random, why do I care?
And what was the point of taping the camera to his chest? Actually, the camera never really paid off; culd have used it more as a device for him to talk to but you didn't after the start.
The have boxes in the van for camcorders? And ones that are from infected people and inoculated people? Huh? Perhaps make it clearer?
The drug thing never paid off either. If he wasn't an addict would anything have gone down differently? Did if have an impact on his actions in any way? Did he learn anything?
Overall, I enjoyed reading this, but there are a few problems with it. Hope this helps!
I dig the surrealness of everyone freezing in place and the appearance of ManBug. Creepy start. But then Eric chases the bug into an alleyway to ask about everyone freezing. I don’t know about that. I’d be more likely to ask one of the neighbors if they saw that huge fucking ManBug.
It’s apparent pretty early on that something is up with Eric. I’m guessing he’s really dead or something along those lines. You might want to establish the idea that his neighbor’s hate him. Maybe something he did while he was in a junked out state. Certainly something more substantial than his dirty clothes. I do like the mystery you’re building though.
Seems like back peddling to have Eric back at his house. I guess he came back to change clothes, but now he’s talking about getting food. What happened to getting a job?
A lot of Eric’s interjections can be eliminated. ‘Oh my Gods’ and ‘holy shits’ that don’t really add much and at times sound awkward.
So I guess my prediction about Eric was wrong. But that means that people really were avoiding him because of his clothes? Sounds kind of stuck up. Also the neighbors alternately freezing and collapsing, disappearing and going back to normal seemed too surreal to be the work of a virus. Why was Eric the only one who seemed to know anything was going on? Turns out he wasn’t different from anyone.
Unfortunately this doesn’t come together enough for me to really be down with it. But I liked the bug creatures that no one else could see running around and infecting everyone. Reminds me of one of my favorite X-Files episodes, the Vince Gilligan penned “Folie a Deux”, which has the same basic premise.
You know what, I’ve got Netflix. I’m gonna go watch that right now...
25. Operation: Sleepwalker by Newt - On Halloween, a young man going through withdrawal witnesses beings that can't be seen mingling among the Trick-or-Treaters and killing them one at a time.
Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”
With a title like ‘Operation: Sleepwalker’ this tale could go any number of directions. Good luck! Okay… interesting beginning. Nice “grotesque looking thing” description and scenario. Poor Eric’s already woefully off task with its pursuit. Story’s pretty surreal by midpoint. And continues to be approaching the end. I guess this is all the sleepwalking part, these events have all made about as much sense as dreams often do: not much. Very nice image of translucent heads with writing creatures inside! I like that a lot! I’m liking where this is going by the last third of the story… Nice head bursting. Love the part where even after Eric fired the pistol into his own mouth a couple time the dream/nightmare continues. Very consistent with the sensibilities of typical dreams. Oh! Very nice ending. Very, very nice. Congratulations. Good show. Thank you. Good competition as one of my top favorite stories of these.
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Operation: Sleepwalker - OWC
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