Operation: Sleepwalker by Newt - Short, Horror - On Halloween, a young man going through withdrawal witnesses beings that can't be seen mingling among the Trick-or-Treaters and killing them one at a time. (R ) - pdf, format

No title page and a copyright on the first page.  >

Quoted Text Fuck this.

Why have the scene in the Bedroom at all? Just put Eric in the Kitchen with his....puffed rice I guess *(e 'chews' his food- and eats it with his fingers) anyway, you get the point. Script should start in the Kitchen.

Storywiose, I don't think the "found footage" cam is really needed. Im not even sure what the entire purpose of it was. I stuck with the script only because of the mosquito monsters and they won't attack if you stand still. I kind of liked that. But that darned camcorder-found footage never stopped intruding. What's sad is that the script comes off like a writer's joke, and yet with one simple revision, it can still have dark humor, but be 100% more effective.

-DjS

Not sure what to think. There were a few interesting details, but the read was mostly unexciting. The writing was awkward.

The "superhero" line made no sense. Did he literally trip over a superhero? If that's the case, then this is a pisstake. Did he trip, and look like a superhero? A superhero recovery?

The alien-type bug dudes are worthy of exploration, but the protagonists stake in this fell flat. Get rid of the camera stuff and focus on the mysterious operation revealed in the end. That was probably the best part of the story.

No title page? Oh well.

Interesting approach to the start. Within the challenge I thought that worked quite well.

Then I got to 'It's an average neighborhood.' Like they used to put on my school report - could do better.

Then there's 'toward a GIRL dressed as a princes.' Hmmm. You've not bothered reading this. Oh well.

All those exclamation marks aren't helping his dialogue. He's beginning to sound like an idiot.

Pity. It' was a promising start, despite the lack of a title page.

I don't like being cruel so I'll stop. Sorry about that.

R

I liked it.

Simple idea, yet effective. I liked the twist at the end.
A lot of it didn't make sense but the ending cleared that up for me.

I wish there was less running in the middle. You could add some texture - Eric's encounter with his folks, otherwise it's just meandering about in the middle and that potentially loses your reader.

And a bit less characters and fewer places might help this get filmed I guess. But overall it's a nice idea, I like it.

The dialogue is very poor... but I did like the Kafka-esque start. Probably a fluke, I thought, and I was right. Shame.

Operation: Sleepwalker

Hello,

I think you could bundle the story a lot, the dialogue and the action as well.

A lot happened, some brutal pictures. You could work more with that freezing effect and make it a mystery story somehow. The mystery's pay-off go short here. I didn't get what the operation aimed for and who those mysterious people are.

I couldn't get a handle on this. The whole thing is kind of deadpan ("Hey, Mr. Freely, I'm taking your candy") delivered in a monotone. It got interesting with the Hazmat guys, but by then time was up.

This story seems like it could be developed into a longer script.  As it is, the ending seemed too abrupt-- the confines of the OWC might be too much for this story.  

SPOILERS

Eric is an interesting character, if he had further adventures they could be interesting, too.  In a longer version Eric could do a lot of damage to whatever the master plan is.  And maybe have a pal to talk to.  Maybe an insect pal.

You've got some nice deadpan humour in this. Eric's a pretty funny guy. You manage to elicit sympathy for him too - recovered drug addict, out of work - world against him etc.

The outfit that screams, "hire me!"
Damn.

I chuckled at that line (above) and also Eric's reaction to seeing sunlight.

The story is intriguing and has a Twilight Zone feel about.

I did wonder why a drug addled - or at least just recently clean Eric would run after the weird creature? I would have thought normal instinct would have him running away. Still characters on screen do not always act as they should, so...

On a technical note:

You should CAP the FADE IN: and the copyright (c) 2014 belongs on a title page. Easy fixes.

The script itself needs a bit of work but I liked Eric and I liked the idea.  

I thought the logline was the most intriguing of all them, personally. (Although it's missing a comma).

A very interesting opening.

Some of Eric's dialogue cheapens the action, IMO, but it's an easy fix.

The story was excellent for 9 pages, then drifted away. Get it right and it would make for a good film. Good enough for a feature in the vein of The Bay.

Another one that could easily be written for the annals of the crypt, Tales from the Crypt that is. I enjoyed it.

What kept me going was, not the dialog, or section sequences (which were kind of clunky IMO), but the fact that I just had to know what those creatures were all about, and what they were doing to people’s heads.

This had a real strange vibe to it. An eerie black-op situation where the only way to properly inoculate the infected was to kill them… crazy. Yet I would have liked a little more info as to what they (creatures) were doing. It seems like they were using people’s heads to incubate their offspring, or something along those lines? Anyways, that’s creepy cool, but I’m lost as to how this incorporated a portal for the challenge.

Entertaining enough though…

Logline...not the best written...but a great idea. Like it already. Let's see...

RED FLAG! RED FLAG...no title page.

Oh it's a found footage, filmed film...err that doesn't sound right
Good choice. Under the circumstances that's a good call
Initial writing.. Tidy.
SPIFFY...who uses words like that. Great.
Seven line action block..way too much. Keep to 2/3

Ok, problem here. Good set up, but then...
If you have a an ex druggie test him. Confuse him. Parallel the drug world. Don't get him running after bugs, that's doesn't work for me
You move between locations like kitchen and front door.. They need mini slugs etc

Oh man, later you get way to heavy in the action blocks. Keep it lean, simple. And important. Don't repeat, even if you think it's different. Avoid similar circumstances. A story must leap, and when it leaps, it leaps In style, ie don't find yourself in the same place, same problem. Sorry, I'm rambling....but you idea has something, but the script is not delivering

Didn't like the ending, but it could work.

Not there, but has a chance.

An imaginative spin on INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS as a found footage horror with…

… creepy creatures. Good scares. Some good gore. Exciting chases. Could have less expository dialogue.

First off, great title. It grabbed my attention right away. I hope we delve into pseudo-science here. We meet Eric. By the by, and as an aside, this is yet another OWC that starts off with a dishevelled guy in a decrepit messy house. What’s up with that? Okay, so this looks to go in a different direction. Eric battles the inner demons of addiction. This theme reminds me of the most recent EVIL DEAD. The video diary is a good idea. It’s an effective trope to get around the challenge parameters.

I thought this was going to be a FOUND FOOTAGE horror movie until you exited the house. The title you came up with would work in that sub-genre really well. Like maybe someone is studying people out there who have special abilities to interact with the Otherworld or something. I’d consider reworking this, so Eric films his daily life, even outside of the house. We follow Eric as he films himself or we see his POV until he finally meets a demon or something (I assume).

Outside the house… I’d alter Eric’s awkward dialogue to something like, “Trick r treaters? Already?” We know it’s bright out, right. Otherwise with him mentioning Halloween like that I wondered if he lost track of days and didn’t realize it was the holiday until he saw costumes. If that IS the intent, I’d try and clarify that point a bit better. I’m also unclear if he traversed some sort of portal there.

I’m happy you took the time to create an inventive creature design. It would look cool. Pretty peaky shit. However, I’d consider splitting up that descriptive passage into two or something, since it runs pretty long – like 7 lines as opposed to a max of 4 (a screenplay standard, I believe). With Eric falling in the alley, and the way it’s described, it seems like this IS a found footage approach. I’d clarify that earlier, so we for sure know it is. For me, it’s a great idea. Most of the found footage horror flicks take place in an isolated setting. I like how you opened things up by taking to the streets. It gives this short a unique flavour (from the OWCs I’ve read so far).

The bug brain-straw stuff is creepy. Rad idea. Gross and scary. Since this is all from the camera’s POV I’d consider embellishing these moments. Maybe you could add some Zooming in on the strange needle. Or the camera shakes because Eric is frightened. His breath quakes. You know, stuff like that. It would really sell this perspective and place us directly into this horror movie with greater ease. I’d say every chance you get, make Eric feel like us – watching the movie as our own first-person experience.

I’d cut out that line about getting changed before someone calls the cops. It stood out really awkwardly. It’s Halloween, people dress up as “hobos” and zombies and all sorts of weird shit. No one would call the cops on a guy with dirt on his clothes. Would you?

I like how you focus the camera on his neighbour’s head wound. It drives home the idea that maybe these guys are like BODY SNATCHED, and under the fly’s control (hive mind theory). Hmm. I’m not sure, I’m buying Eric just going back inside after he’s seen all this weird shit.

Maybe during the off-screen stuff he watched the tape and comments on it. He changes his plan of video diary to documenting a Halloween monster invasion. Just an idea to make all these ideas flow better. It’s an intriguing set-up. I like the style. So I hope you don’t mind me taking a minute to come up with some suggestions. I think this idea is worth a rewrite for sure. I think you could also play around with Eric demanding someone talk to him, but there all unresponsive hosts. That really excuses the 1 speaker parameter well, to my liking.  

I like how Eric calls Cass for support. When he leaves that message wouldn’t she assume this problem he has would involve drugs or something. Maybe he could be aware of this and address the issue. Like, “Something strange is going on here, Cass. And I’m not talking about drugs. I’m not high. This is not a Halloween joke. Just… listen. This is like end-of-the-world type strange shit. I can’t explain it over the phone. Call me. Please. I’m worried.” Sure this is a mouthful, but I think you should point out that he is scared legit. Or even worried he’s cracked and gone insane from withdrawal or something.  I’m just trying to come up with some constructive alternatives here.

Whoah. All those bodies. AND the see-thru head. Great creepy image, with that bug writhing inside. He calls his folks. Alright. He needs someone. I get it. I like how here you decide to mention the drug angle. I feel it’s appropriate. I like the sound design of the buzzing sounds permeated throughout. For me it’s the sound of an army of flies. So I think another cool image to scare us would be as the phone call disconnects due to buzzing a fly exits his phone, flying into the night. Maybe more spew out.

I like the way you end this off with a, um, bang. Bitter-sweet. A lot of horror ends this way but it’s an effective cliché. 2 spring to mind (shit I hope I don’t SPOIL these movies). NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. And CABIN FEVER.  I wonder if you should shift some more focus on the idea that Eric could be crazy and suffering from withdrawal or some sort of effects from quitting drugs.

For me, I don’t like when you break from the found footage aspect to traditional filming for that teaser at the end. I like the idea there though - that scientists(?) study this sort of dark phenomenon. So…

ALTERNATE ENDING IDEA: Maybe the footage could play, and as the cop detaches the GoPro from his chest, the footage shifts, the camera pulls back to someone WATCHING this footage in an office or something – as a scientist from Project Sleepwalker finishes watching the event. He scribbles his last note than throws the tape in the right box. Just an idea to punch up that ending, and transition into a different style (and world) more effectively.

Good familiar premise. Strong style. Exciting and scary.  Could use less dialogue.       *   *   *    (of 5)  

Eric's frantic quality really works. He covers a lot of ground in 10 pages.
Also couldn't get the image of: "The bugs reach up and pull long needle-like appendages from their faces and stick them in the heads of their victims." OMG. Some of us are just not cut out for reading horror... (That's a compliment.)

There might be just a little too much, though, of Eric talking to himself. It's understandable, cause he's narrating for his cameras. Am afraid that in a ten-minute film, though, it may come across as he's talking too much.

a GIRL dressed as a princes
--princess

Okay. Odd. You have very clear visuals, which is good, and limited writing skills which is okay. The overall picture doesn't quite work for me, but it's worth working on -- but I think you're more director than writer. If that's okay.

Not one for me.

Interesting idea but definitely needs some work. The writing definitely needs some tightening.

10 pages and the excitement doesn't rev up til page 9. It's not a 10 pager for me.

Its one worth working on though. Decent premise.

I think you have a great little tales of the crypt type story. I like the whole government conspiracy type thing you have going and how you handled the one person dialogue issue by freezing people - this was intriguing. With that said, along with the good comes the bad:

Pg 2: If you cut 'trick-or-treat' in the description (you have Eric saying it a second later) and cut "it's Halloween?" from Eric's dialogue then it would look and read tighter, IMO.

I do like your description of the bug - nice - but, I'd also put a space in between the description at the end of page 2 after 'hairy antennae covering it's head.' - 'It's bulbous, black eyes move around rapidly.' could be easily pushed to the next line. Actually that whole chunk of description could be broken up to read smoother - that could also be done with the next bit too. Reading on - you could break up most of your description to make for an easier read all round.

plenty of 'ing' and 'ly' words - too many, IMO.

page 3: I'd forgoten he had a camera with him - this could have been used a lot more to add suspense to the scene - have him scared, but interested, using the camera as his device to investigate.

I didn't get why the parents would be pulling their kids away from Eric for being muddy when i'm sure there would be worse dressed adults - specially on Halloween.

I kind of threw me a bit that Mr. Freeley was still frozen because you had said that everyone unfreezes earlier. If you had have stated that everyone except Mr. Freeley unfreezes this would have coincided better and have been more creepy - leaving the audience wanting to know 'why?'

-Eric looks at his cupboards, which have already been turned
inside out.

ERIC
I've got nothin'. - we can see that he's got nothing. Adding it in dialogue is superfluous.

Another example would be:

ERIC
Thank God! The cops!

Drop 'The cops!' The audience doesn't like to be portrayed as idiots - and I'm not saying that's what you're trying to do, but showing us everything and then explaining it through dialogue as well, makes it feel this way.

I didn't quite get why the bugs didn't try to attack Eric at the start and why he was the cause of them scurrying off and unfreezing everything. Sorry to say, but I didn't get the ending either.  

That's not to say that this story was a bad idea, you can see a lot of effort has gone into it and with work this could be a neat little short.

The opening scene is an interesting one. I think it could work really well in the hands of a decent actor and it grabbed my attention from the get-go.

I don't think things went that well afterwards. Eric's dialogue was poor, a lot of "what the fuck is going on" lines, a lot of Eric talking to himself even during the vlog scenes. I found it difficult to take in him running around like that with his camera right up in everyone's face, it felt rather unrealistic and silly. For a vlog it didn't seem like much of a vlog after page 2.

Once the script got to the action I felt like it got very convoluted, shadows, time stopping, big creatures with needles going in peoples' heads, a witch, police officers with guns and a superhero...?

Because of all of that shoved together without much of an actual connection established I felt like the ambiguity of what Operation: Sleepwalker was didn't quite work.

The best writing here shined through in the horror aspects of the story, some were legitimately creepy and well done. The rest of it needs plenty of work in my opinion. There were also aspects which made me doubt whether this was a serious entry or a pisstake - most of them were in the dialogue, tripping over a superhero however also stood out. Sorry, this wasn't for me.

Writer,

I wanted to like this one. There was alot of positives here -- good story that flowed well, and the premise I liked alot: no one can see them but me. I felt him being a recovering addict was good, and you stayed away from the contrived "it was just a bad trip" ending.

This would have worked for me if you had done a few things differently. Eric didnt start freaking out about these bugs until about halfway through. He could have been freaked out the moment he saw one stick a kid in the head. By waiting, you lost any tension that could've been built, and turned it into something that didnt really seem to take itself seriously. Eric acted pretty casual and unafraid of what was happening around him. It just didnt work that way for me. Also, towards the end your large 6 line action blocks slowed it way down. This is your climax. The one thing you need to do is keep the tension rolling, which you had finally managed to achieve, although a little too late.

But this was pretty good. It was clear, and I knew where I was in it. Would like to see this one reworked a bit. I feel it can be a pretty good story.

Steve

Cool title – reminds me of Blade or something, but that copyright on the opening page doesn’t give me a great first impression – I’m already on the fence.

Not a great opening with the camcorder – this means nothing to us so it’s superfluous.

“princes.” Princess.

This started out with some nice terse writing but that style has changed completely - I think it needs to be tightened in some areas as it’s becoming a strenuous read at the moment.

He is running after that creepy bug thing, right? Let me get this straight, instead of running away like a sane person, he chases after to ask “You saw everyone freeze too.” Not “What the fuck are you?”

Eric talking to himself doesn’t work at all. Sometimes it’s cringe-worthy.

Yeah, Eric reminds of David Brent from the office for some reason now.

“I better get changed before someone calls the cops.” Should I be laughing now – must admit that I find Eric amusing.

“It pulls it's needle out of it's face.” Strange place to keep it – watch of for its vs it’s.

How many more times can Eric shout out “No!”?

Didn’t care for this one I’m afraid – Eric came off comedic which I don’t think was your intention?

It opens with Eric job hunting; he sees some creature and then runs home to change because he looks homeless. Yeah, that’s what takes his interest, not the frozen peeps or strange creatures. He then takes off again because he’s out of food – he must have eaten all that cereal earlier.

What makes it stranger is that he only decides to call his parents on the second viewing of the creatures that are turning people into mindless zombies. Not the first time, but the second. Talk about being one relaxed dude.
There is absolutely no meaning to this story, Eric overcomes nothing, nor does he change as the story moves on while the ending with the guys in hazmat suits falls flat.

I think you need to take a step back and think about what story you’re trying to tell and its theme.

How come the creatures didn’t attack Eric? Maybe it’s because he’s using and the creatures don’t like that – much like the alien in Species. I think it would also help if we meet Cass and the parents to see their relationship with Eric. Some background on the strange creatures wouldn’t go amiss as well while I’m at it.

There could be a decent little story here but it needs to be redeveloped and made clearer – the whole camcorder business didn’t really play a part and seemed to just be there so Eric talks to himself. The ending could work, if there is a hint earlier on about the government and some weird experiments. Maybe we learn there is an army base nearby or something along those lines. Like most OWC’s, it’s the lack of dialogue that was the problem.

These bigger ideas need a little exposition or they just confuse the reader.

Interesting.  I really like the premise on this one.  It's very basically written (with typos due to the rush).  And it's a touch long (you could pull this off with a few pages shaved off.)  But the critters are new and different, and I'll give you definite points on that.  

Is it appropriate to the OWC challenge?  Eh. Depending on the interpretation of it, yes.  But not without a bit of "wiggle room."  Nonetheless, this is one of the scripts coming out of the OWC that I'd like to see polished and developed further.

Cheers,

--J (W)

As I go...

Uh oh, no title page - not a good start.

Copyright on tyhe first page?  Oh boy...

"Fade in:" - ?  Really?

So, by the time I've reached what should be "FADE IN:", you've got 3 screaming red flags already, which would normally cause me to stop immediately.  I'll try and stay in, though.

"DAY (LATER)" - No, just "LATER"

Eric's talking to himelf is getting very annoying, very quickly.

OK, I tried, but this is quite ridiculous and very poorly written.  I'm wondering why kids are Trick or Treating during the day, and why Eric just got dressed and expects to look for a job on Halloween, as Trick or Treating has already begun.  Does that make any sense?  NOt to me.  I'm out.  Sorry.

Premise carries a lot of potential.  Main issue for me is the execution lacks tension -- you introduce us to Eric and his drug issues before throwing him straight into the action.  Granted there’s only so much you can do within the parameters but building more tension into this could have elevated the horror.

What part did Eric’s drug issues play?  It’s a good angle given the premise -- who’d believe a recovering addict?  Unfortunately it remains surplus to the action here.

I was also confused by the camcorder angle.  The found footage/documentary style approach can work well for horror, but it seemed inconsistent and I was never sure of the POV we were supposed to be seeing this from.  It took me a second read to figure out it’s really just for an excuse for Eric to speak to himself.

Good premise, with some nice touches and an interesting main character; but the lack of tension and time spent establishing elements that didn’t come back into play left this feeling rushed with Eric’s actions forced to fit.  I do think, if this is your kind of thing, that this is an idea worth revisiting.

Talking into a camera -- great idea! I think the only one to do so.

Big block of text end of page 2 - should break it up. (p9 too)

Eric is very nonchalant, chasing a bug faced creature like it's no big.

"You saw everyone freeze too." -- too on the nose, and not needed.

He still has his camera? Might want to mention that -- like wouldn't he have gotten close-ups of the frozen people, etc?

"ERIC
Looks ok." - not really needed.

"Parents hustle their children away from him." -- people are really that afraid of a guy in wet clothes? Especially on Halooween! Or is he a bug now... hmm...

"ERIC
Damn. Thing can take a beating." - I hope all this camera dropping\commenting on pays off.

"ERIC
Ugh. I better get changed before
someone calls the cops." -- People call the cops if your clothes are dirty? Why would he think that?

"ERIC
This is Mr. Freeley. Look at this." -- I still don't understand why he's not freaking out.

I like this, but the one problem I'm having is that Eric is running around seeing all this stuff, but it really doesn't mean anything. How does it relate to his drug addiction? Is there any deeper meaning in any of it, or is it all just random? If random, why do I care?

And what was the point of taping the camera to his chest? Actually, the camera never really paid off; culd have used it more as a device for him to talk to but you didn't after the start.

The have boxes in the van for camcorders? And ones that are from infected people and inoculated people? Huh? Perhaps make it clearer?

The drug thing never paid off either. If he wasn't an addict would anything have gone down differently? Did if have an impact on his actions in any way? Did he learn anything?

Overall, I enjoyed reading this, but there are a few problems with it. Hope this helps!

I dig the surrealness of everyone freezing in place and the appearance of ManBug. Creepy start. But then Eric chases the bug into an alleyway to ask about everyone freezing. I don’t know about that. I’d be more likely to ask one of the neighbors if they saw that huge fucking ManBug.

It’s apparent pretty early on that something is up with Eric. I’m guessing he’s really dead or something along those lines. You might want to establish the idea that his neighbor’s hate him. Maybe something he did while he was in a junked out state. Certainly something more substantial than his dirty clothes. I do like the mystery you’re building though.

Seems like back peddling to have Eric back at his house. I guess he came back to change clothes, but now he’s talking about getting food. What happened to getting a job?

A lot of Eric’s interjections can be eliminated. ‘Oh my Gods’ and ‘holy shits’ that don’t really add much and at times sound awkward.

So I guess my prediction about Eric was wrong. But that means that people really were avoiding him because of his clothes? Sounds kind of stuck up. Also the neighbors alternately freezing and collapsing, disappearing and going back to normal seemed too surreal to be the work of a virus. Why was Eric the only one who seemed to know anything was going on? Turns out he wasn’t different from anyone.

Unfortunately this doesn’t come together enough for me to really be down with it. But I liked the bug creatures that no one else could see running around and infecting everyone. Reminds me of one of my favorite X-Files episodes, the Vince Gilligan penned “Folie a Deux”, which has the same basic premise.

You know what, I’ve got Netflix. I’m gonna go watch that right now...

#4 story I've really enjoyed.  

25.  Operation: Sleepwalker by Newt - On Halloween, a young man going through withdrawal witnesses beings that can't be seen mingling among the Trick-or-Treaters and killing them one at a time.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Operation: Sleepwalker’ this tale could go any number of directions. Good luck!
Okay… interesting beginning.
Nice “grotesque looking thing” description and scenario. Poor Eric’s already woefully off task with its pursuit.
Story’s pretty surreal by midpoint. And continues to be approaching the end. I guess this is all the sleepwalking part, these events have all made about as much sense as dreams often do: not much.
Very nice image of translucent heads with writing creatures inside! I like that a lot!
I’m liking where this is going by the last third of the story…
Nice head bursting.
Love the part where even after Eric fired the pistol into his own mouth a couple time the dream/nightmare continues. Very consistent with the sensibilities of typical dreams.
Oh! Very nice ending. Very, very nice.
Congratulations. Good show. Thank you.
Good competition as one of my top favorite stories of these.

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