Be Careful What You Wish For by Unoriginal nom de plume - Short, Horror - A young boy seeks the help of an unusual Halloween artifact, as he takes flight from his abusive father. (R ) - pdf, format

In my opinion you broke the dialogue rule twice here once at the shop and the second time when Max left his house, both times with a letter/note that was actually dialogue. While there's still a question mark with the first note, the last one is most definitely dialogue.

I'm not sure whether the otherworld aspect was present enough here and whether the comic book did the trick. An OK approach, but for me not a certain hit. Maybe the branch could only work from dusk till dawn instead through the forces of the otherworld?

Quoted Text P4: He does a jig around the room.

Hmm, perhaps a bit too much.

I'm also on the fence about whether all of that was necessary about the father. I think you went too far with his character when it got to the torture porn.

Apart from that I think was a strong entry. I think you captured what an innocent 10 year old would want to do with the stick very well, a touching letter at the end and you can't help but feel for Max's character. The dad was also a gripping character, but as I mentioned above, came off as overdone. Tone down some of the evil in him and then I believe you'll have a great set of realistic characters in realistic situations combined with an interesting fantasy angle. Good work.

The title wasn't very promising. I've heard that line of Oscar Wilde's a few too many times.

But I liked this one. Had a lot spirit. Well written. Had some good lines too. I won't quote them. If people want to find them they'll have to read it.

And the end was very unexpected.

I thought this was one of the best. Done well and well done.

R

So Dad leaves the zombie stewing in a pan of motor oil...very nice.

Wasn't sure I was going to like this one as I went along, but the ending brought me around.

Yeah, a good story. I'd give it a consider. With some work it would be a recommend.

The quality this OWC is really high. I usually only find one or two considers.... but quite a few considers and even one recommend this go around.

It was a very well realised script. Easily one of the best written, and the standard has been very high in terms of writing IMO.

The three wishes gag was a little hokey, as was the mysterious shop.

The father came across as slightly cartoony. He was a touch over the top.

It had a very good ending, which for me made me forgive a lot of the things I wasn't enamoured by.

If it was me, I'd lose the wicca stick and the shop and have the wish provider be something more subtle. I'd try and get more in there about Toby as well to make the excellent ending even more powerful.

Get rid of the cartoonishness in it, and it could be a very strong film imo.

There's been a lot of very good entries, but only a couple I could actually see as being films. This would be one of them.

'Lucky you can't speak'. I didn't realize Max couldn't speak until this line made it clear. I thought he chose not to - because he was traumatised.

'no comic books for you' sounded like 'no soup for you' in Seinfeld - 'no comic books' would be enough regardless of my comparison.

A single tear trails down his face and splashes on the floor.
Nice line - nice visual

stair steps.
stairs would do imh. One or the other, in any case.

I think the torture porn was a bit unnecessary to the overall plot and slight overkill.

I really liked the way you handled (wrote) the sex scene in the other room - very quickly turning to abuse.

WHACK, (TV) SCREAM and CACKLING.  Not sold on the word choice of 'cackling' in this context.

Finally, I was a little confused with a couple of the scenes and the 'Toby'/Zombie element. Some things would obviously be streamlined in a second draft.

Overall very nicely written and a nice comeuppance for the Dad.

SPOILERS

Good, complete story -- terror that makes horror seem useful -- beautifully done.  The father's rage and loathing are powerful as any demon.   Only thing that would make it better for me is if Max is seen at the end going back to the Curio shop, the saleswoman looking less scary and Max looking more at home.  

Excellent work!

This one came together very nicely at the end.
Great job with the story.

I didn't enjoy the writing though. A lot of overwriting in my opinion. Like on p4 you chose to describe every little item in the store. Why would it matter? We don't care for princess tiara if it's in there - and a director wouldn't put princess tiara in there I think.

All the unnecessary "stares" should go I think. It drags the read.

But a beautiful story. Very nice. Although Father sounds a bit off - the dialog has to be cleaned up, but that's okay.


I just read the comments - I do not think you broke the rules with your entry in any way.

SPOILERS

This is an old fashioned Halloween story.  I like the curio shop.  Is this the Otherworld?

Extremely satisfying ending.



- Don

Great ending! The title though...not so much. My favorite so far.

Not too sure about this one. It's a straightforward, well written story, but the events in this don't make sense. It's how the plot interacts with the characters. When father cuts that zombie up with a chainsaw, and then blames Max... how can he know that? It was a wish, not sure why he came to that conclusion without any setup.

There were also things that never came into play (comic book, porn, hamster), just sort of circumstances to move the plot. The time between the first and second wish took too long.  I did like the ending.

You did a fine job setting up the father's character via description of the house's state. Writing was crisp. I think if some of the plot was omitted it would be much better.

Early on and I like the writing here. I can tell it’ll be easy to get through.

The comic exposition seems a little too much to ask an audience to sit there and read. Maybe the Father could read this while deriding his love of comics. Currently the father derides his love of lists? I’m not sure what that means.

On page 4, there’s more on the PAPER than needed. “3 Wishes” might be all that’s necessary.  The combination of a cane that kills things and a Father who’s a dick gives me a solid guess where this is headed. Hopefully there’ll be a twist to it.

I’m a little lost as to the intention of that second wish, but I was amused at the father dispatching it so easily.

So this went where I expected, but not how I expected. I think Toby’s presence could be beefed up. Maybe instead of a torture porn video have Father watching an old home movie of one of Toby’s baseball games. Get that image of him holding a bat in there.

I think the second and third wish both being zombies is a bit too repetitive. The end result of that second wish is that it pisses off the dad, so I wonder if there’s a more varied way to get there.

Overall I like this though. Nice spin on the ole three wishes trope.

Logline...has potential. A touch of grit. The question I have is whether you can make this original?

Let's see...

The inserts - the writing - is way too heavy for a script, IMO. It's not he opening of Star Wars.

Fathers dialogue is a little cliched - try giving it an unusual edge, something I could do with rememebering

You know what, I felt like I was wading through this and then...the ending... Very good.

Overall, it's a mixed bag. But it has one thumping finish. Excellent reversal.

I think this is a bit off the final product, but it has great potential with a clean up.

Portal to the other world???

Along with The Price, one of the few scripts that I've read that really adheres to the guidelines.  I rather like the twist that it's the father that speaks, not the son (who - also creatively - is deaf.)  Definite Monkey's Paw vibe going here, of course.  I'd say that the descriptives are a little thick here and could be trimmed a little.  But this one?  One of my top five so far.  With a little streamlining, this one's a definite gem!