Be Careful What You Wish For by Unoriginal nom de plume - Short, Horror - A young boy seeks the help of an unusual Halloween artifact, as he takes flight from his abusive father. (R ) - pdf, format

In my opinion you broke the dialogue rule twice here once at the shop and the second time when Max left his house, both times with a letter/note that was actually dialogue. While there's still a question mark with the first note, the last one is most definitely dialogue.

I'm not sure whether the otherworld aspect was present enough here and whether the comic book did the trick. An OK approach, but for me not a certain hit. Maybe the branch could only work from dusk till dawn instead through the forces of the otherworld?

Quoted Text P4: He does a jig around the room.

Hmm, perhaps a bit too much.

I'm also on the fence about whether all of that was necessary about the father. I think you went too far with his character when it got to the torture porn.

Apart from that I think was a strong entry. I think you captured what an innocent 10 year old would want to do with the stick very well, a touching letter at the end and you can't help but feel for Max's character. The dad was also a gripping character, but as I mentioned above, came off as overdone. Tone down some of the evil in him and then I believe you'll have a great set of realistic characters in realistic situations combined with an interesting fantasy angle. Good work.

The title wasn't very promising. I've heard that line of Oscar Wilde's a few too many times.

But I liked this one. Had a lot spirit. Well written. Had some good lines too. I won't quote them. If people want to find them they'll have to read it.

And the end was very unexpected.

I thought this was one of the best. Done well and well done.

R

So Dad leaves the zombie stewing in a pan of motor oil...very nice.

Wasn't sure I was going to like this one as I went along, but the ending brought me around.

Yeah, a good story. I'd give it a consider. With some work it would be a recommend.

The quality this OWC is really high. I usually only find one or two considers.... but quite a few considers and even one recommend this go around.

It was a very well realised script. Easily one of the best written, and the standard has been very high in terms of writing IMO.

The three wishes gag was a little hokey, as was the mysterious shop.

The father came across as slightly cartoony. He was a touch over the top.

It had a very good ending, which for me made me forgive a lot of the things I wasn't enamoured by.

If it was me, I'd lose the wicca stick and the shop and have the wish provider be something more subtle. I'd try and get more in there about Toby as well to make the excellent ending even more powerful.

Get rid of the cartoonishness in it, and it could be a very strong film imo.

There's been a lot of very good entries, but only a couple I could actually see as being films. This would be one of them.

'Lucky you can't speak'. I didn't realize Max couldn't speak until this line made it clear. I thought he chose not to - because he was traumatised.

'no comic books for you' sounded like 'no soup for you' in Seinfeld - 'no comic books' would be enough regardless of my comparison.

A single tear trails down his face and splashes on the floor.
Nice line - nice visual

stair steps.
stairs would do imh. One or the other, in any case.

I think the torture porn was a bit unnecessary to the overall plot and slight overkill.

I really liked the way you handled (wrote) the sex scene in the other room - very quickly turning to abuse.

WHACK, (TV) SCREAM and CACKLING.  Not sold on the word choice of 'cackling' in this context.

Finally, I was a little confused with a couple of the scenes and the 'Toby'/Zombie element. Some things would obviously be streamlined in a second draft.

Overall very nicely written and a nice comeuppance for the Dad.

SPOILERS

Good, complete story -- terror that makes horror seem useful -- beautifully done.  The father's rage and loathing are powerful as any demon.   Only thing that would make it better for me is if Max is seen at the end going back to the Curio shop, the saleswoman looking less scary and Max looking more at home.  

Excellent work!

This one came together very nicely at the end.
Great job with the story.

I didn't enjoy the writing though. A lot of overwriting in my opinion. Like on p4 you chose to describe every little item in the store. Why would it matter? We don't care for princess tiara if it's in there - and a director wouldn't put princess tiara in there I think.

All the unnecessary "stares" should go I think. It drags the read.

But a beautiful story. Very nice. Although Father sounds a bit off - the dialog has to be cleaned up, but that's okay.


I just read the comments - I do not think you broke the rules with your entry in any way.

SPOILERS

This is an old fashioned Halloween story.  I like the curio shop.  Is this the Otherworld?

Extremely satisfying ending.



- Don

Great ending! The title though...not so much. My favorite so far.

Not too sure about this one. It's a straightforward, well written story, but the events in this don't make sense. It's how the plot interacts with the characters. When father cuts that zombie up with a chainsaw, and then blames Max... how can he know that? It was a wish, not sure why he came to that conclusion without any setup.

There were also things that never came into play (comic book, porn, hamster), just sort of circumstances to move the plot. The time between the first and second wish took too long.  I did like the ending.

You did a fine job setting up the father's character via description of the house's state. Writing was crisp. I think if some of the plot was omitted it would be much better.

Early on and I like the writing here. I can tell it’ll be easy to get through.

The comic exposition seems a little too much to ask an audience to sit there and read. Maybe the Father could read this while deriding his love of comics. Currently the father derides his love of lists? I’m not sure what that means.

On page 4, there’s more on the PAPER than needed. “3 Wishes” might be all that’s necessary.  The combination of a cane that kills things and a Father who’s a dick gives me a solid guess where this is headed. Hopefully there’ll be a twist to it.

I’m a little lost as to the intention of that second wish, but I was amused at the father dispatching it so easily.

So this went where I expected, but not how I expected. I think Toby’s presence could be beefed up. Maybe instead of a torture porn video have Father watching an old home movie of one of Toby’s baseball games. Get that image of him holding a bat in there.

I think the second and third wish both being zombies is a bit too repetitive. The end result of that second wish is that it pisses off the dad, so I wonder if there’s a more varied way to get there.

Overall I like this though. Nice spin on the ole three wishes trope.

Logline...has potential. A touch of grit. The question I have is whether you can make this original?

Let's see...

The inserts - the writing - is way too heavy for a script, IMO. It's not he opening of Star Wars.

Fathers dialogue is a little cliched - try giving it an unusual edge, something I could do with rememebering

You know what, I felt like I was wading through this and then...the ending... Very good.

Overall, it's a mixed bag. But it has one thumping finish. Excellent reversal.

I think this is a bit off the final product, but it has great potential with a clean up.

Portal to the other world???

Along with The Price, one of the few scripts that I've read that really adheres to the guidelines.  I rather like the twist that it's the father that speaks, not the son (who - also creatively - is deaf.)  Definite Monkey's Paw vibe going here, of course.  I'd say that the descriptives are a little thick here and could be trimmed a little.  But this one?  One of my top five so far.  With a little streamlining, this one's a definite gem!  

Another messy kitchen! Have we got a sub-theme here?

I liked the start here, because we have Max as the implied protag and the Father taking the dialogue; interesting twist.

This is reading quick with lots of detail.

Confused, Max looks at thin branch
...the

Inside of a small box.
... ,(i)nside a

From the bedroom across the hall, he hears his father and a
woman having sex. Moans, groans and long sighs.
...hoped at this stage the writing wasn't starting to fall apart; this is clumsily written and is effectively passive.

p.6 visuals get a little confusing here

Okay, a page more and it's all a bit boring. Started off well, and I really liked the energy, but then it got a struggle to read and engage with.

Terrifying real world horror. Savage. Good characters. Needs more of an equal vengeance.  

Um, I'm thinking the title says it all. Another messy place for an intro. Just sayin. Are we gonna have a deaf cat next? Jokes. Another kid though. Wait. No. Is he deaf? Nothing wrong with the writing I'm just pointing us some recurring elements. It's interesting to see how we interpret parameters and genre. And what solutions around the 1 speaker. This is a great challenge this time around. Illuminating.

I love the comic book stuff. That was me as a kid. For me, this element helps transport me like a portal of nostalgia. Whether it's sports or hobbies or whatever, these sort of elements help individualize a character. It adds character. And I like how it connects the Halloween portal stuff.

Pumpkin man could be really creepy on screen. Stereotypical witch woman though. Unless this will soon comment on cliches of holiday. I could go for self aware deconstruction. The branch with paper exchange was a creative way around 1 speaker. Unsettling odd behavior. Like her grin and silence is creepy strange. Ha. It looks like a hustle, then I remember this title. I'm reminded of the monkey paw wishing story from TWILIGHT ZONE.

Interesting stuff. The no dialogue really works well when we don't know what he wished for. I can't wait for next wish. I hope you embellish it. Emphasizing a moment where we want to know badly.

 I'm still keeping track of repeat story elements. This is the first hamster death. Eww. And listening to dad have sex. Creepy shit for sure.

Im not sure I like how you handled that argument in the bedroom. The voices build to a crescendo until we hear dad yelling. But her reply?  nope. And they still keep arguing loudly. I feel like that is only because of 1 speaker parameter. It just stands out too much, especially if the reader isnt supposed to be aware of any parameters. My understanding was to write in a way the reader would have no idea there  was a 1 speaker rule. Very tough though. For the most part you were successful with this difficult task.

Whoah. So kid hears dad sex. Then verbal violence. Then hears dad attack woman viciously. Maybe killing her? And now dad turns to kid and beats him while watching torture porn and sobbing about his dead son. Yes that is fucking frightening,  but I feel like it's just too much. Maybe you can balance these ideas. Or pick 1 over the other. It's shocking sure. Brutal. I can take it. I'm saying it's overboard for my taste. A plethora of disgust. Let's just say revenge better be good and cranked to 11 as well.

Swirling mists. Good atmosphere. Zombie. Pumpkinhead makes a return. And a grim reaper weapon. Maybe this could also be shown with pumpkin intro earlier vs jacket. I mean scythes are big, right. But yeah revenge is looking good. I'm pretty sure what the kid wished for.

I wonder if dad should strike zombie with no effect. Like even stab him. Then dad gets worried. Maybe cries or begs for life. Id like to see him belittled here or something. Oh shit. Instead this gets much worse for Max cuz this is Where the Wild Things Are - his father's house. And daddy's the worst monster out there. When I realized dad killed Zombie Death I actually got really scared. How will max survive him. Especially if we haven't seen the worst of him yet. Fuck. This is realistic family stuff for some unfortunate souks out there, so this affected me. Scary shit. So nice work there. Trim down the earlier violence so I can stay on board....um, without the overboard stuff.

But dad turns and leaves?! Consider this effect on us, especially on screen. I told you my feelings. Now slay me while I'm in your clutches, you evil writer you. Go for it. Find a way for Max to fight back or survive his super dangerous, bloodthirsty, zombie killing, chainsaw weilding father. I was scared. Instead ofvtormenting me, you gave me immediate relief as packs an escape suitcase. Consider the effects of your strong build up, full of character empathy, going downhill into safety and robbing this reader of satisfied payoff.

So Max leaves, but not before he leaves a goodbye note.Well I'm glad this didnt have a happy ending where the wish made the family whole again. At least zombie son bats him up. Again. Kill this bastard better. You created a monster, treat him like one in death. What he did to kid and woman was way worse. I hate to say it but dad needs to be humiliated in death, like brutally savagely killed. I hope I make sense for a horror movie. We have movies like SAW or HOSTEL or CENTIPEDE.  with sequels! So nothing can be too gory. By the end, max shouldn't be careful what he wished for ( like the title)  he should wish for more.

 That said...it might sound like I'm appalled or hate this script. Nope. It worked well enough I felt for this kid. For me, he just deserved better revenge.  This is easy to fix or re-imagine revenge should you choose. It was emotionally satisfying in the regard he sees his deceased son again, only to ge killed by him. But with horror,  I personally want something more visceral for revenge. Maybe even gooey.

Good setup. Strong feelings for kid, but not enough payoff.      *   *   *    (of 5)

I really like the story here. I think you overdid the father a bit. He was awful. We get that pretty early on. For me it was just laid on a bit thick. And poor little hamster. I guess that was a consequence. Would have liked to have seen some emotion from Max there. I also liked the Curio Shop. Great location. Very "Halloweenie".  

Def in my top 5 for this OWC. Nice work!  

Dear old dad -- Father -- is a piece of work. Was so hoping he'd get his due by the end of the story. (TY)   Poor young Max. Heartbreaking, lots of emotion for this kidlet. Well done.

May be a little too much story to fit in just 10 pages. Did wonder whether Max's house and a single sojourn to the curio shop would be enough. Both Max and Dad are riveting characters, and the Old Woman gives Max what he needs to satisfy the father (Toby's reappearance) and the father's subsequent demise.

The comic book works as a good prop; but the short has lots of emotion, and pages might be better utilized focusing on Max and Father than on reading Max's comic book. Just a suggestion...

Easy read.

Pg 2: 'open gash between dimensions' - liked this

The boy backs away, into the curio shop door. - how can he back away from the curio shop window into the curio shop door? IMO - visually doesn't work - needs rewording.

Her missing teeth gives her - give or tooth

I liked the shop scene and the description within - gave it feeling, IMO.

'Opens his eyes and looks around. He waits. Nothing, the world
is unchanged. He checks his watch and hurries home.' - I thought this needed a sign of disappointment from Max - a sigh, shrug of the shoulders - something.

On page 4 as the location had changed, i thought the front door needed a mini slug and not the brown bag.

'he hears a PLOP from then other side' - the

How many times did I say ‘no comic books for you?’ - IMO might sound better as 'have I said' instead of 'did I say'.

Pg 8: a mini slug here for living room would help.
'footsteps on the stair steps' minor fix.

I know you want the father to come across as a complete ahole, but wouldn't he realize, from the broken door, that Max didn't let the Pumpkin guy in?

I found it odd that the father would just give up the search for Max - it was out of character to me that later he would be slouched back in his lounge chair and only now just read the note, as someone like that would not be satisfied until they got their 'fix'.

I did however like the fab twist with Toby - It completed the script on a great note. Most of my complaints have been nitpicks mainly because, IMO, this was a good story that just needs adjusting through the mid section to make everything work properly.  

Some comments:

I see the portal thing in the comic, but the story is about a wish fulfillment stick, not a portal, and not tied to Halloween... did I miss it?

The get wish\get consequence thing didn't make sense to me. I get the hamster, but what was the consequence in the other two? Or, I guess, specifically, the second? Also, might want to make the kid realize the consequences, and perhaps have it be a bit of conflict for him?

Overall, well written, and gripping conclusion. Good job.

As I go...

Opening Slug is poorly written - always start with the larger item, in this case, HOUSE followed by a hypen, then KITCHEN, but I'm not a fan of such a generic Slug as HOUSE.

Also not a fan of using colons in screenwriting.

"...into a toast" - ?  HUH?  What does this mean?

Father's dialogue is not consistent at all - sometimes ending in ing, and others "n' ".  Sure, peeps can speak however you want them to, but if you're going to go with a pattern of speech, you should most likely stick with it.

"RETAIL STREET" - HUH?  Again, not a good Slug, IMO.

Writing is getting awkward on Page 2.

Now you're omitting your subject or first word of your sentences, like many seem to enjoy doing, but for me, it just irritates.

I see no reason to tell us that "Max sees..." - just show us what's onscreen.  Since Max is the only character in the Curio Shop, we'll assume he's seeing this.

OK, now the writing is way overblown and over detailed.  These are mostly good details you're giving, but just too much, IMO.

"an yellowed" - "a yellowed"

"at thin branch" - "at the thin branch"  mistake are popping up rappidly now.

Hmmm, now the "CURIO SHOP has become "CURIOS SHOP".  "SAME" should not be used as a time element in a Slug - use CONTINUOUS.

OK, so now we have the meat of our story and it's an age-old cliche that literally everyone has seen and heard so many times before...but you know what?  I'll stay in as long as I can.

Seems to be a missing Slug here, as Max walks away from the CURIO SHOP, but then again, the "BACK TO MAX" transition, Subject Slug thing is problematic in itself.  Then we have more missing subjects in the lines that follow.

More missing Slugs as Max leaves his bedroom.

He does a jig?  Hey, don't get me wrong, I love jigs, but here, it seems out of place and almost comedic.

"then other side..." - "the"?

He "looks up" - ???  Or "over"??

Slug on top of page 5 is very poorly written.

Writing continues to be very awkwardly phrased.

Wasn't O.S. dialogue not allowed here?

I'm lost on Page 6 - where are we now?  Why is Father speaking O.S.?  have we actually left Max's room and we're in FATHER'S ROOM watching porn, while Father beats Max in Max's room?  I'm confused by this and IMO, it's a poor choice, especially the way your formatted this.

Page 7 - now we have a zombie?  Really?  Didn't see that coming...didn't want to see that coming!

Page 8 - the aside here really is a mistake!  Oh man...please!

"an pan" - "a pan" - 2nd or 3rd time I've seen this mistake now.

Father's dialogue is getting worse - wasn't good to begin with, but much worse now.

Good ending.  This one could be a decent episode on Tales from the Crypt.

Writing is not good throughout, though. In fact, I struggled mightily to stay with this...and am glad I did.  I'll give you a consider - with better writing, this could easily be a recommend.  Good story, even though it's a cliche idea and setup.

Might just be my eyes today but the dialogue boxes since a little too squished.

You take it too far with the father's dialogue, it just begins reading like some cheesy melodrama, especially since you don't even give him a name. Tone it down, I mean, seriously tone it down.

Damn, probably the only person here who wasn't a fan of this. You paint the father as some horrid monster who beats children and watches torture porn but, to me at least, it felt so forced. He was bad for the sake of being bad, I mean, yeah, the son died, but then you go around and beat children and saw people down with a chainsaw? A few people are saying it's a cliche idea and setup, which is a huge pet peeve of mine since I always struggle to engage with stories like these. But it seems like you have your fans here.

What a description of the kitchen – love that you included “a dirty sock” which I hope comes into play later. Why else mention it, or the bug spray for that matter – this should be fun.

“grinds his cigarette into a toast.” Into (some) toast? A piece of toast? It reads awkward.

You should cap Father in the action – no biggie.

“You’re good at lists?” Yeah, I can imagine this isn’t such a good thing around Christmas time – maybe Max could get a job at the North Pole.

“The sun is low in the sky.” Some whiz kid scientist should look into this – it can’t be great for good old planet earth.

Max with his comic book is promising – I wasn’t keen on how it was written but I like where this is heading.

“Cautious but curious.” Funny he’s curious with the shop he’s in – I can’t imagine this is a coincidence.

I would calm down on all the descriptions of items that will play no part – it’s superfluous IMO, but it may just be a preference thing. I think you could also be a little more clear here – “At the front of the shop” Where is this? Where he’s just walked in, or by the counter? I thought he was at the front of the shop? It isn’t a big thing, but little things like this can trip a reader up.

Yeah, see you carry on in the next paragraph and it’s over the top – I got it after the first couple of items – this shop sells weird shit.

“Something behind the glass case moves” What glass case? “the” implies we’ve seen it before.

“her stringy hair, sunken eyes, beak-like nose and dark mole on her cheek.” No broomstick? Nah, that would be taking it a bit far.

“Max responds to by removing his wallet from his pocket.” She must be a witch, some decent sorcery went on there to convince Max to buy a twig – either that or she’s just a great salesman.

“And all that she desires.” Maybe not a great salesman after all – I’m sure she could have haggled a bit. Also lucky that all she desires is a dollar.

“EXT. FRONT OF CURIOS SHOP – SAME” - “SAME” is incorrect – it cannot be the same unless Max teleported outside.

Okay, looks like we’re going down the Bedazzled route, or Duck Tales: Treasure Of The Lost Lamp. I prefer the latter. Also want to mention that Max got a bargain.

“Max walks downstairs and opens the front door.” But we’re still in the bedroom – some mini slugs are in order here.

“generous smile.” What’s a generous smile?

Damn! He wished for candy and got… one paper bag! What is this? A scrooge genie, or something.

“M&Ms” Nice product placement.

“then other side” Typo – (the) other side.

The hamster’s death should be better – you should have introduced the hamster earlier, possibly Max’s only friend – makes the death more substantial.

“EXT. BACKYARD, MAX’S HOME – DAY” Is this a mistake?

“SLAP, the sound of a hand hitting flesh.” They’re possibly not arguing – maybe Father is kinky.

“A physical tussle. Then, it’s over. Silence.” That was a bit premature.

“Max cowers against the wall.” Was Max sleeping on the floor? Maybe his bed is against a wall? Could be clearer.

I actually think it was a good choice to not show Max getting whacked – but I don’t know about the television –

I think it would have worked if we were looking at the hamster (yes, I know it’s dead, but say it wasn’t at this point) I can only imagine that Max will wish for his father dead or something – it would have been sad if that wish can true but it also killed his friend, the hamster. Now, this is hypothetical because the story may not go this route – if so, ignore this.

Looks like the “day” in the slug was right.

“Pulls a scythe from its suit jacket.” That must be one big jacket.

Max trying to communicate with the zombie was strange unless the wish gave Max powers over the zombie – he’s got a pet zombie he can send on anyone – I like that!

This turned sideways very quick for Max – I have to wonder what the actual plan was? Also, that is one strong zombie!

“Max points to the house.” Not a fan of this – comes across like Lassie “someone’s fell down the well” type stuff – could just be me.

“the stair steps.” Huh? The stairs.

“FATHER. Wielding a chainsaw.” I think you were right to not show the Father whacking Max. But to not show
Father take on the zombie with a fucking chainsaw is a huge disappointment – that battle would definitely be shown in the trailer!

“Max hears the shower blast on.” Is Max deaf or what? He keeps hearing everything, but Father said he was deaf? Maybe I’ve got that wrong.

“other necessities.” Oh come on now, don’t go all shy. You told us a list of items in the kitchen and curio shop – don’t stop now. Maybe Max took that dirty sock.

“Just dead men walking aimlessly. Kids laughing. No monsters gone wild here.” Are there zombies or not? This was confusing.

“He whistles a happy tune.” Father’s quite funny – he’s just killed some guy (he thinks) with a chainsaw and he’s whistling like he’s won the bingo – you have to admire the psychopath hidden within this abusive man.

Actually like the ending – that was pretty cool way to go. Did the Father have something to do with Toby’s death? I think he may have killed him when driving under the influence? That’s a guess from the note, and the fact that Toby wants to kill him of course. Maybe this could be made clearer in the story if that is the case.

This was a nice take on the challenge, something a bit different but I do think it needs a little more to get it where you want it to go. The dialogue restrictions haven’t helped but it had a wonderful dark tone going for it.

I guess the main part that doesn’t work, or needs some more thinking is Max’s decision to raise the dead. Seems a little silly to raise the dead to think you can somehow control them and ask them nicely to “scare” your father, especially as you can’t talk. Yes, I take into account that his is a 10 year kid as well.

I took it that other zombies were raised but you said they were harmless with the kids laughing – I understand why you did this but it doesn’t make sense to me. That means Max sent the world into a zombie apocalypse to scare his father – that seems extreme.

I liked the dark tone, and wish you’d kept to that with Max, he’s kinda like the bright light here rather than the evil, twisted little kid he could be when you have 3 wishes. Lots of possibilities here, kids bullying him at school (Carrie style revenge) or as I hoped, he’d give his Father some payback. In saying that, the ending was satisfying so good job there.

The writing was an issue and did hurt the read I’m afraid. Also keep an eye on slugs which was a problem throughout. It isn’t bad, just needs a good polish but that’s what rewrites are for.

I guess overall I liked this one, it was different but needs a little work to fulfill the potential – oh, and make sure you show the damn zombie/Father epic match up with the chainsaw if you ever decide to rewrite this.

1.  Be Careful What You Wish For by Unoriginal nom de plume - A young boy seeks the help of an unusual Halloween artifact, as he takes flight from his abusive father.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Be Careful What You Wish For’ I’m expecting that to be a line from the story rather than a moralistic cautionary tale you’re trying to tell.
Cliche PWT father, but great set up dynamics. I think I like Max’s particular brand of “weird.”
I like the witch and stick, nice. Good triad of Wicca Stick rules.
Very nice trade of candy for hampster.
Sex sounds: Goodness!
Abuse sounds: Terrible & sad.
TV abuse: More terrible and sad.
Grinning at the semi-predictable twist, didn’t figure on Max giving Dad the last wish, tho. Nice.
Kinduva cheezy story, but I liked it for what it was.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Make the title a little more direct, less preachy.
- It’s incongruous to have a elementary grade level moralistic preachy title attached to an adult themed story containing such graphic events. PG title + R content. See?