Logline...even by my poor standards that's not the best...let's see...


Water lapses etc not the best written words.
May be wise to say present day when Channing time. Not essential but could help.
Pair of thongs? - that's sound like a thong too far
Zombie and girl in the pier and different locations and could do with some mini slugs to show UNDER THE PIER etc
Yup, and the. She's on the shore, so another location

Ok, a ghost island. Well worn route but has potential. Youtube person, I suppose it's current. The mystery in the beach and the magic didn't really work for me. But throw in the right mix and it could.

*spoilers*

Promising tone to start. Felt like a sex scene was about to hit... never did, but no worries. Zoe's dialogue at start, along with the tone, gave me a sense of B-movie status. After the flashback, the tone shifted dramatically, I never quite got back into it.

Nice job moving the plot. Even though she was going from A to B to C, there was always something new to discover. Zoe's end was out of left field, and I totally forgot she did Youtube videos.

Parts are pretty funny. A definite satire-feel here. Rather reminds me of the current Geico-Halloween commercial where the dinghy girl screams and points, "Why don't we just take the running car over there?" Translation -- Zoe is slightly dinghy too. An okay thing...

Perhaps change "A large ship is anchored nearby" in the first description to "A large yacht is anchored nearby." Looked for a couple pages for another ship... Easy fix.

The tone abruptly changes from flippant (funny) to explaining all the horror that Zoe is enduring. Might be just a little too much telling going on. Off to a good start, but maybe streamline Zoe's interaction with the Teenage boy (or Teenage Boy) and the Soldier. Not sure both are needed.

Starting the story on the yacht and finishing on the yacht would set the light tone early, and make a terrific frame.

A solid effort. Good atmosphere. Some scary bits. Good use of parameters.

Efficient opening. Right away we know it’s Halloween in the year 1832. There’s only a few OWCs with a period setting. I like this approach. Let’s see what you’ve done with it. I like how you condense a lot of action into one simple description. I’m thinking of the soldier hunting down people. This could take a lot more screen time than the one sentence suggests.

I also like how you chose to isolate one attack for demonstration. Again, an effective decision – selecting a woman and child to focus on. This was a good set-up for a “madman”. It draws us in and calls us to question his motives. Why did this happen? Also, good manoeuvring around the challenge parameters. I didn’t really ever think “why aren’t they talking” or something. Needless to say, I’m on board.

Zoe has a good intro. The YouTuber stuff makes sense. It excuses the exposition really well. And easily shifts us into contemporary times without any need of a title-card. The way she talks is pretty playful. I’m a fan of her early dialogue here. The boyfriend ignoring stuff works in regards to the 1 speaker parameter. I could use a little less of him there, just to better excuse the no talking. Her one line reminded of Bruce Willis in DIE HARD, “come to the isle they said. It’ll be fun they said.” I’m a fan of this type of cynicism. Let’s hope she takes on McClaine’s other more heroic attributes as well.

About last night… So Zoe awakes to screams. Alan is gone. He went to the island. This is a great horror cliché put to good use. I bet the audience would yell at the screen, belittling Alan’s intelligence, or stuff like, “Oh, he’s dead” or “Don’t go. Stay on the boat.” I love it when this genre urges the audience to participate like that.

Nice. The island is thick with atmosphere, down to the soggy steps, sliced feet, and blood-red moon.  By the by, DIE HARD influence number 2 – sliced feet. Haha. Just sayin, if she kills the baddie and spews a “Yipee Kye-aye”, I called it. Haha. I wonder if she should react a bit more visibly shaken when she sees those ghosts. I mean that’s strange, right.

A chase ensues. That mad soldier is back. I’m liking this concept. It looks like every Halloween, maybe since 1832, an Isle Massacre occurs. I wonder how the opening connects to Zoe, if at all? The mother and child maybe? Good mystery brews under the surface, as you distract us with some exciting action and supernatural elements.

I really liked that swim under the pier bit, as Zoe sees the soldier walk above, searching for her. Intense stuff. Wow and then the underwater scare with the sudden face-to-face appearance of the boy. That would definitely be a good jump scare.

The mad soldier runs off, distracted by a sound somewhere. OK. I’m sure the explanation is soon coming. I like the boy pointing / directing Zoe to safety (? The tree?) I would consider having Zoe run away from the boy a couple of times instead. Like - She’s still scared and unsure about him.  But no matter what direction she goes the boy suddenly appears and points to that tree. She runs away, he points again. So it’s like she goes left, he points right, and vice versa – so we have no doubt he is pointing to something specific and important. And this also sells that sense of dread – she can’t escape, no matter what she does he won’t leave her alone. Just a suggestion.

Flashback time... I like how you excuse this technique by having the boy –show- her the past. It feels natural. I like that element of the hand on her head to open this different type of portal. There’s another economic and effective description – when the settlers slaughter the island people. You give us one sentence, but it suggests so much, and will probably be a minute on screen or something. I don’t necessarily need details on the specific actions of the attack. From your description I actually pictured a whole scene instantly – funny how the mind can construct so quickly when triggered appropriately. Good stuff. I also liked the witch doctor’s blade of sacrifice and how it invokes island vengeance.

I really liked the –conversation- with the boy. The gestures felt natural, rather than forced. I understood it as well as Zoe did. Good job navigating the challenge parameters here. I’m thinking she’ll have to sacrifice herself. That’s a conflict of emotions. I like her so I want her to survive. But then there’s the idea that she might save the island’s lost souls or something – giving them salvation from this Limbo(?)

Okay, so Zoe didn’t say “Yippe Kye-aye”, but she did let a “mother fucker” loose. Haha. Now let’s see if she dies hard. Hmmm. I feel conflicted here. It seems like Zoe went too easily. I wonder if she should be injured more severely. Like she might still live but the sacrifice is a better decision. She realizes no one else might get this chance to save these souls (including Alan’s). This mad soldier is just too hard to destroy. So by the end, I was way off on the Die Hard stuff. Ah well. C’est la vie… Although, I do like that repeated quote at the end. Now, in a different context, it has that heavier McClaine cynicism to it. Haha.

I’d also like to feel the weight of Zoe’s decision a bit more. It seems like she easily accepts her role in this ritual. But I think it would work better if she was responsible somehow. Like this act would correct some sort of mistake she made (like she forced Alan to go to island, or an argument led him to leave). This idea would require quite the revision. But I think it’s worth exploring (mentally) at least. For me, the decision to sacrifice herself felt rather forced or awkward. It just didn’t mesh.

I guess I’m finding it hard to describe why this end didn’t resonate or connect with me.  It’s like I saw it coming, but I didn’t get a strong enough excuse for it. Maybe you could embellish the idea that she will save Alan’s soul or be reunited with him in Eternity or something. Maybe that’s an easier way to suspend (my) disbelief.

The end was a little confusing, or should I say ambiguous, which is appropriate for the genre. I’m wondering if all events rewound, like the videotape. If so, where is Alan on that yacht? I’m assuming the rewind is in progress, so she just has to stop the tape at the spot she wants the world to return (or for Zoe to time travel to).

Atmospheric. Good setting. Some strong economic writing. Good lead character.      *   *   *     (of 5)

Isle of the dead, by Rodney. Not sure if that's an alias to throw people of your trail, but... this read more like a spooky chick flick. Women have a tendency to incorporate more of those subtle nuances regarding the mating dance (between Zoe and Alan), if that makes sense. I liked it though; it read more like a piece of mythological folklore than a script, enchanting and dark... like Moonlight Sonata.

Zoe as opposed to the common Zoey, translates her into something more of a creation character from Genesis, a giver of life more or less, and you having her waking from a dream; possibly putting her (and us) in an illusion or nightmare, but not through a portal just yet.

The opening scene is short but necessary, but only in this short it is so up front. In Sleepy Hallow, the Hessian (Death Soldier) wasn't revealed till the 25-ish minute mark, but that works there because of time constraints. I said Sleepy Hallow because that's where my mind went with the description of the tree and the twisted limbs.  

The moon is about, both during the present zombie brigade, and the past Island killings; yet a veil of red is cast when the Voodoo man takes his own life, cursing all the island inhabitants, and locking everything into a disembodied state of refuge. The enchanting folklore here, for me, is the presence of Diana (Moon), or Isis, and her throwing the veil until a warrior of proper strength and purity can behold her secrets, or unlock the island curse.

Your vivid descriptions revolve around Isis being present, or her blue iridescent glow, illuminating the disembodied corpses, and their corporeal structures as they conform to the portal change. Manly P. Hall states this of Diana;

The symbolic Virgin... by the processes of death and corruption she gives life to a number of creatures of diverse forms through periods of perpetual change...

We're not sure if Zoe is a virgin, however;

Alan sticks his rude finger up at the lens.
ZOE
This is a family friendly show.

Suggests that maybe she and Alan have not been intimate, her dialog that resonates towards her being something more than Alan and his dismissive personality. Zoe is after all called upon as a warrior that must be pure.

"Pure and true, it must be, the heart of a warrior we must see." as it is written in the pages.

Zoe, immersing herself into the water to escape the Death Soldier, is inadvertently baptising herself under the jetty while Isis watches over her, only crawling bloodied and scarred from the rocky shore to pursue her quest for survival.

She learns of the secrets, Kills herself, and releases the souls who are bound to the island. Then she awakens within the foetal position with no indication that anything even transpired, and we never really do find out if it was all just a dream.

That's OK, I liked this dream..

Quoted from Gum Zoe as opposed to the common Zoey...

I've always spelled it Zoe. In fact... what is the 'y' doing there? I've never met a Zoe spell their name Zoey. Zoe is the classic spelling so Google tells me...

Sounds right to me. It's not a popular name in this neck of the woods, I've only heard the name once or twice in my life. Once in a song from Staind - Zoe Jane, and a girl in my daughter's class, spelled Zoey... probably the parents trying to be cute and artsy, and of course me just assuming the spelling is the norm with respect to similar names like ' Joey'.

It is spelled Zoey too, but it looks weird to me. Even gets a red line under it with my UK spell checker active. Zoe is quite (or used to be) a popular name here.

“A place that appears small from the outside” Okay, you’ve lost me straight away. Appears from the outside – it’s an Island you’re describing, right?

I think this opening could be tighter, but I do like it, and I’m looking forward to see where this one goes.

Again I’m getting confused? Are the crew out on the deck or in the cabin? Is it the same people?

“This is a family friendly show.” Yeah, the Disney channel also likes to take trips to a supposed “dead island”

“She pulls the sheet up to cover herself” Boo!

The writing is decent on the whole but I do think you need to add some slugs to break up the action – could just be a preference thing I guess.

It’s not bad at the moment, but I feel as if it’s gonna get repetitive – as soon as she runs off again and he “stomps” after her, I’m losing interest – this has been done already.

Yeah, one negative would be the lack of scene changing – it may not bother some but I find this so hard to visualize because of it – the fact that all we read is “trees, rocks and brush” it really becomes repetitive and makes it tiresome.

Okay, so the witch voodoo doc left a note of how to stop the curse – seems odd he would do such a thing but okay. And the random boy has some connection with Zoe? She’s special because? I know, we shouldn’t ask these questions because this is a OWC but I have to ask – I’m not following why Zoe is so special – what about Alan, or the other people that have gone on that Island in the past?

Got a feeling this was written close to the deadline, some grammar issues throughout and some obvious errors towards the end.

“He tries to jump the log but stumbles over it, dropping the knife.” This may have just ruined the whole thing for me – a clumsy killer ghost! What is this, Scooby Doo.

“body brittle and defeated,” Has she really been through that much – she’s run a lot, some bushes have hit her face and she got wet. Hardly enough to make your body “defeated”

Yeah, didn’t really buy into this one at all I’m afraid. There has to be something special about Zoe, or a particular reason for choosing her to save the ghosts. Like most of these OWC’s the characters have struggled and that’s no different here.

Everything came across as convenient – to fit the challenge parameters. The rest of the crew leaving her alone, the ghost directing her to the book and lastly, the clumsy soldier who drops the knife after tripping over.

I don’t think this is your fault as the challenge requirements forced your hand really. This definitely has potential, and with a rewrite could be pretty decent. I liked the pace of this, but the writing and location became so repetitive – there are only so many times you can read brushes and stomps.

What if one of Zoe’s descendants was killed on the Island and that’s the ghost that visits her? Just a thought – she needs a connection with the Island I feel. I would also give her some more at the beginning to justify her actions at the end. Killing herself to set the ghosts free is quite a decision but I never felt that this decision weighed on Zoe – she just kinda accepted it. Again, maybe the descendant’s thing could help with this.

Some definitely good writing, here.  "This is a family friendly show." Great line.  As is "Come to the Island, they said" (along with the call-back of it at the end.)  

The meat of the story?  A bit generic...  Blood and slaughter, nothing all that new.  Which is not suprising... who *doesn't* expect lots of that for a Halloween OWC?  

Bottom line...  It's obviously a good writer behind this one.  It didn't capture my imagination or light it on fire.  But it's still a solid entry.

Cheers,

--J (W)

SPOILERS

I'm guessing this is an early draft.  The story has merit, I think, but it's a lot of work to get to it.  The mind-link short cut is acceptable, since this is a OWC.

But the "settlers explore the Island while killing the local Clan" shortcut to explaining the curse seemed excessive, to me -- reduces this script to a series of headlines rather than a story.  And Zoe stabbing herself in the heart needed much more of a set up, I think.

Lots being tossed into each action block. Might want to break it up some.

Water lapses??

"She calls out--
ZOE
Alan?" - just have her call out, you don't need to tell us she's talking.

Disgruntled, she slinks -- do those go together?

Actually, just cut out of this scene after seeing the camera is gone - we don't need to see her get dressed.

She's very nonchalant about seeing ghosts!

"She stops, baffled. She sighs." -- she sighs? Just another day?

"A rustling sounds from the bushes behind." -- lol. "the bushes behind"

"She stabs herself through the heart." -- is it really that easy to stab yourself in the heart? And why is she doing it? What convinced her?

When she wakes up she would check her wound -- is it still there?

What was the point of the handycam? Just to let her be expository at the start?

Overall - the story was ok (could have used more info on her though, so I cared about her), but it was a bit too wordy here and there. Not bad.

18.  Isle Of The Dead by Rodney - When an internet blogger is persuaded by her boyfriend and crew to investigate an urban legend, about a cursed island off shore, she will be forced to fight for her life as they all unwilling become part of the legend until the curse on the island is broken.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Isle of the Dead’ this sounds like a pretty self-explanatory film. Hope it doesn’t disappoint.
Lovin’ the opening super.
Nice opening scene.
Lice legend explanation and wake up scene.
I’m good with the ghosts becoming real + general chaos & pandemonium, however the yacht disappearing seems odd.
Witchdoctor’s book has been buried in dirt almost two centuries and is not a crumbly mess? Wow. Pretty good preservation voodoo.
Teenaged boy taps the book and the words turn to English. Impressive. Going with it.  
Soldier running amok is about as silly as the teenaged boy’s capabilities.
HFS! She stabs herself through the heart?! And I thought the shark had already been jumped!
Wow! Nice wake up save.

Alright. Eh… er… I like the construct fundamentals: Island with cursed antagonist and victims.
Sort out the details and you’ll have a great show. Pirate stories are second only to pirate ghost stories!

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Provide some sort of nationality of the soldier.
- Provide another SUPERIMPOSITION of “Present day” when the yacht scene opens.
- Have the yacht disappear as these old ghosts of the murdered appear.
- The conditions of undoing the curse of the haunted man need to be overhauled into something more plausible.