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Isle Of The Dead by Rodney - Short, Horror - When an internet blogger is persuaded by her boyfriend and crew to investigate an urban legend, about a cursed island off shore, she will be forced to fight for her life as they all unwilling become part of the legend until the curse on the island is broken. (R ) - pdf, format
I like your choice of protagonist, the stuff with the blog and a small uninhabited island is an interesting choice of location. Liked starting with the 1832 scene, straight to the action. Strong start.
But after the read none of the characters really stick with you. I struggled to remember the names after making it to fade out. There's nothing that really stands out in the story and the antagonist is as unoriginal as it gets. Zoe's act of bravery is abrupt and not that developed. The ghosts pop up straight as she gets to the island, some tension would help here.
Zoe talking to herself on P3 is offputting. I think the story would benefit from Zoe taking the camera to the island, get us a chance to see more of her blogging. That's the strength here and could be used to a much larger extent to a larger payoff.
You'll need a SUPER PRESENT DAY before we get to the Yacht on page 1. I had to stop and re-read the first halfof the page. Nope. i didn't miss it. You did.
I notice in several slugs you write "ISLE OF THE DEAD" Considering that there are no other islands nearby, ISLAND and related sub-locations will be suffice. Better to spell out ISLAND anyway. I'm not a fan of shorthand scribes. Looks lazy. I'm not daying you are, I'm just pointing out that's how it looks.
Quoted Text
until a Soldier, the one with the bone handled stone knife
Who? I stopped, went back again, found him. Dude from the past. I'm assuming it's the same guy. The problem is that if it is, you should drop the "a" and "the one". Otherwise, it will be confusing to some people. It was to me. The Soldier with the bone handled stone knife <---see?
Script takes awhile to get going, and with bad grammar I had trouble knowing if it was THE soldier or if there was another one. I actually skimmed through one full page of action simply due to that fact. You weren't in a hurry, were you?
This isn't bad, it has potential. And while I think the main character is very multi-tasked let's say (she's alone and modest! she can hang on to a blanket to cover herself but can still use her hands) I had a problem with one aspect of her character. I didn't think about it until that last scene. She's a video blogger. Her journal is about where they are and what they are doing. She fills us in on the local legend and that the area is restricted Since she didn't take any device with her the only point to it is...what exactly?
It was hard for me to visualize the isle of the dead.
At first it seems like real people meandering about in the isle. THen it's ghosts. Then I couldn't understand what the soldier and the teenage boy look like. And the soldier is slashing at ghosts - looks like he's not dead.
Then he's after Zoe - I don't know his motivation.
Also, Zoe talks about the isle of the dead as if it's well known thing. The isle is surreal and the part where she talks about it is bit hard to buy.
Not talking boyfriend is a bit of a stretch too for me.
While I thought that Zoey's motivation for being on the island was a good one, this script just didn't do it for me. Everything was drawn out . For what little made up this story in four or five pages.
When you introduce your characters, you should start with their names:
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A young woman, mid 20�s, her long brown hair plaited over her shoulder, sits on the edge of a double bed, she looks straight down the lens of a handycam
This is ZOE, she oozes confidence while recording posts for her online series.
would work better if you gave us her name first:
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ZOEY sits on the edge of a double bed and talks to a handycam. Mid twenties with long brown hair.
The important things should be first. And this version just shaved four pages off your script.
I thought Zoey's banter to the camera was realistic enough for a blogger, but it was a little too on-the-nose.
Another example of your descriptions needing improvement is on page 4:
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She picks up a piece of broken bone and holds it up to see in the light. She immediately drops it.
There's no need to tell us things right off the bat. Be a little dramatic.
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She picks something up from the sand and holds it up to the moonlight
It struggled with only one person having dialogue though. Also, I believe more people would know of this island on Halloween night and maybe would have set out to do the same as Zoe. Maybe some sort of tradition every 5 years?
The dialogue you do have is awkward at times and most of the time it's just Zoe talking crap..
This is a good premise though and with a bit of work it could be a nice story. I enjoyed the ending too.
"Never get out of the boat." Absolutely goddamn right!" - Apocalypse Now
This was okay. I liked the first few pages and then it sort of slowed. I think this would be much more suspenseful if you cut a couple pages off. It ended up getting confusing too.
A couple notes...
"He leans in close to their bodies and runs his nose along them, as if smelling death. He grins, possessed, the smile of a madman." -- NIIIIICE! Sick. I love it.
Pg. 3. You say she's naked under the sheets then she pulls the sheet over herself?
Pages 3 ‘Didn’t want to wake you, gone to investigate the Island.’ Seems like a waste of time to bring her along if he’s just gonna sneak off once she’s passed out. Might be better without a note. Once it's established he’s not on the boat, where else would he be?
Twice when the Soldier was chasing Zoe it became apparent only after the fact that he had lost sight of her. If both characters are in the same SLUG location and one is “right behind” the other, I’m going to think they can see each other.
For the flashback on page 6 I think you want a montage of some sort. Everything would happen too fast. Also, “They explore the Island while killing the local CLAN that live there.” makes it sound like a genocidal walk in the park. Wouldn’t the clan fight back? The settlers would have muskets at best. It would be war, but that sentence makes it sound about as hard as clearing some brush.
I don’t really buy Zoe’s decision to kill herself. Not only does it not seem in her personality, but it doesn’t seem too logical. I would think she just wants to make it through the night. Why would she care about ending the curse? Doesn’t seem like that many people have been here since 1832 anyway.
Overall there’s potential here, but I think you’d have to up the stakes of this curse and tie it to Zoe (either emotionally or as backstory). With the inconsistencies smoothed over I’d be able to buy into this a little more.
I get the feeling from the some of the language this one is written by an Aussie - but there aren't that many of us so... hmm. Mind you we don't use the word: 'brush' we use the word 'bush' - least on the east coast we do, so, maybe not.
I like the bit with Zoe under the bridge/boardwalk - some good suspense.
Some added description that's not really needed i.e., 'an I'm going to get you type smile'. The 'smirk' was sufficient.
Big budget needed for the 1832 flashback.
'They explore the Island while killing the local CLAN that live there' This is too much of a big 'tell' - proving you're trying to cram a large story into ten pages and don't have the page count to actually depict it.
'Witch Doctors' book needs an apostrophe - the only reason I include that is because it's obviously not a typo as you do it more than once.
This does suffer a bit from the 'one character, dialogue rule' too. Zoe's dialogue in her exchange with the teenage ghost is a little awkward to read. Reminds me of an episode of Skippy - only Aussies and Brits will probably get that reference.
'I can’t do this. This isn’t me.' I'd delete 'this isn't me' and it will sound more natural imh.
'wispy branches'- 'wispy' is not at all in keeping with the dire action taking place - 'branches whip at her face' or similar, imh. And, all the 'she' 'she' 'she's' were getting annoying. That could easily be fixed, mind you.
She stabs herself? Well that was a shock.
Ah, but then she comes back to life. She did didn't she? Not a bad story, just a bit too big for ten pages, I think.
Overall, it was an easy read but could do with another draft - this one appears to be put together a bit last minute.
There was a part I thought it's a bit too constructed. When the boy and the book make her understand she'll have to give her life to change the situation... Well, for whom? I tried to accept it for the fantasy aspect but after she asks defensively:
ZOE This is the only way?
...The Soldier emerges...
It's too constructed. To solve problem A you have to do B and here's A again.
I don't like the ending because it's expected as well.
The atmosphere and the adventure aspect were good. I just didn't go with the plotting. For example: Zoe stumbles over a log. Then, the soldier stumble's over the same log...
I think, for me, it should have been more focused in the 2nd act. It's too long, running around between bones and ghosts until this guy faces her again, only to run around again... The book was a nice plot. I also liked the introduction of Zoe.
Decent premise, but executed in such a way that made for a tedious read. It was way too wordy, your actions blocks could've been cut way down, and sentences shortened... A lot.
Sorry, but this one just lost me. I did read all the way through, though, but in the end it just wasnt for me.
Logline...even by my poor standards that's not the best...let's see...
Water lapses etc not the best written words. May be wise to say present day when Channing time. Not essential but could help. Pair of thongs? - that's sound like a thong too far Zombie and girl in the pier and different locations and could do with some mini slugs to show UNDER THE PIER etc Yup, and the. She's on the shore, so another location
Ok, a ghost island. Well worn route but has potential. Youtube person, I suppose it's current. The mystery in the beach and the magic didn't really work for me. But throw in the right mix and it could.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Promising tone to start. Felt like a sex scene was about to hit... never did, but no worries. Zoe's dialogue at start, along with the tone, gave me a sense of B-movie status. After the flashback, the tone shifted dramatically, I never quite got back into it.
Nice job moving the plot. Even though she was going from A to B to C, there was always something new to discover. Zoe's end was out of left field, and I totally forgot she did Youtube videos.
Parts are pretty funny. A definite satire-feel here. Rather reminds me of the current Geico-Halloween commercial where the dinghy girl screams and points, "Why don't we just take the running car over there?" Translation -- Zoe is slightly dinghy too. An okay thing...
Perhaps change "A large ship is anchored nearby" in the first description to "A large yacht is anchored nearby." Looked for a couple pages for another ship... Easy fix.
The tone abruptly changes from flippant (funny) to explaining all the horror that Zoe is enduring. Might be just a little too much telling going on. Off to a good start, but maybe streamline Zoe's interaction with the Teenage boy (or Teenage Boy) and the Soldier. Not sure both are needed.
Starting the story on the yacht and finishing on the yacht would set the light tone early, and make a terrific frame.
A solid effort. Good atmosphere. Some scary bits. Good use of parameters.
Efficient opening. Right away we know it’s Halloween in the year 1832. There’s only a few OWCs with a period setting. I like this approach. Let’s see what you’ve done with it. I like how you condense a lot of action into one simple description. I’m thinking of the soldier hunting down people. This could take a lot more screen time than the one sentence suggests.
I also like how you chose to isolate one attack for demonstration. Again, an effective decision – selecting a woman and child to focus on. This was a good set-up for a “madman”. It draws us in and calls us to question his motives. Why did this happen? Also, good manoeuvring around the challenge parameters. I didn’t really ever think “why aren’t they talking” or something. Needless to say, I’m on board.
Zoe has a good intro. The YouTuber stuff makes sense. It excuses the exposition really well. And easily shifts us into contemporary times without any need of a title-card. The way she talks is pretty playful. I’m a fan of her early dialogue here. The boyfriend ignoring stuff works in regards to the 1 speaker parameter. I could use a little less of him there, just to better excuse the no talking. Her one line reminded of Bruce Willis in DIE HARD, “come to the isle they said. It’ll be fun they said.” I’m a fan of this type of cynicism. Let’s hope she takes on McClaine’s other more heroic attributes as well.
About last night… So Zoe awakes to screams. Alan is gone. He went to the island. This is a great horror cliché put to good use. I bet the audience would yell at the screen, belittling Alan’s intelligence, or stuff like, “Oh, he’s dead” or “Don’t go. Stay on the boat.” I love it when this genre urges the audience to participate like that.
Nice. The island is thick with atmosphere, down to the soggy steps, sliced feet, and blood-red moon. By the by, DIE HARD influence number 2 – sliced feet. Haha. Just sayin, if she kills the baddie and spews a “Yipee Kye-aye”, I called it. Haha. I wonder if she should react a bit more visibly shaken when she sees those ghosts. I mean that’s strange, right.
A chase ensues. That mad soldier is back. I’m liking this concept. It looks like every Halloween, maybe since 1832, an Isle Massacre occurs. I wonder how the opening connects to Zoe, if at all? The mother and child maybe? Good mystery brews under the surface, as you distract us with some exciting action and supernatural elements.
I really liked that swim under the pier bit, as Zoe sees the soldier walk above, searching for her. Intense stuff. Wow and then the underwater scare with the sudden face-to-face appearance of the boy. That would definitely be a good jump scare.
The mad soldier runs off, distracted by a sound somewhere. OK. I’m sure the explanation is soon coming. I like the boy pointing / directing Zoe to safety (? The tree?) I would consider having Zoe run away from the boy a couple of times instead. Like - She’s still scared and unsure about him. But no matter what direction she goes the boy suddenly appears and points to that tree. She runs away, he points again. So it’s like she goes left, he points right, and vice versa – so we have no doubt he is pointing to something specific and important. And this also sells that sense of dread – she can’t escape, no matter what she does he won’t leave her alone. Just a suggestion.
Flashback time... I like how you excuse this technique by having the boy –show- her the past. It feels natural. I like that element of the hand on her head to open this different type of portal. There’s another economic and effective description – when the settlers slaughter the island people. You give us one sentence, but it suggests so much, and will probably be a minute on screen or something. I don’t necessarily need details on the specific actions of the attack. From your description I actually pictured a whole scene instantly – funny how the mind can construct so quickly when triggered appropriately. Good stuff. I also liked the witch doctor’s blade of sacrifice and how it invokes island vengeance.
I really liked the –conversation- with the boy. The gestures felt natural, rather than forced. I understood it as well as Zoe did. Good job navigating the challenge parameters here. I’m thinking she’ll have to sacrifice herself. That’s a conflict of emotions. I like her so I want her to survive. But then there’s the idea that she might save the island’s lost souls or something – giving them salvation from this Limbo(?)
Okay, so Zoe didn’t say “Yippe Kye-aye”, but she did let a “mother fucker” loose. Haha. Now let’s see if she dies hard. Hmmm. I feel conflicted here. It seems like Zoe went too easily. I wonder if she should be injured more severely. Like she might still live but the sacrifice is a better decision. She realizes no one else might get this chance to save these souls (including Alan’s). This mad soldier is just too hard to destroy. So by the end, I was way off on the Die Hard stuff. Ah well. C’est la vie… Although, I do like that repeated quote at the end. Now, in a different context, it has that heavier McClaine cynicism to it. Haha.
I’d also like to feel the weight of Zoe’s decision a bit more. It seems like she easily accepts her role in this ritual. But I think it would work better if she was responsible somehow. Like this act would correct some sort of mistake she made (like she forced Alan to go to island, or an argument led him to leave). This idea would require quite the revision. But I think it’s worth exploring (mentally) at least. For me, the decision to sacrifice herself felt rather forced or awkward. It just didn’t mesh.
I guess I’m finding it hard to describe why this end didn’t resonate or connect with me. It’s like I saw it coming, but I didn’t get a strong enough excuse for it. Maybe you could embellish the idea that she will save Alan’s soul or be reunited with him in Eternity or something. Maybe that’s an easier way to suspend (my) disbelief.
The end was a little confusing, or should I say ambiguous, which is appropriate for the genre. I’m wondering if all events rewound, like the videotape. If so, where is Alan on that yacht? I’m assuming the rewind is in progress, so she just has to stop the tape at the spot she wants the world to return (or for Zoe to time travel to).
Atmospheric. Good setting. Some strong economic writing. Good lead character. * * * (of 5)
Isle of the dead, by Rodney. Not sure if that's an alias to throw people of your trail, but... this read more like a spooky chick flick. Women have a tendency to incorporate more of those subtle nuances regarding the mating dance (between Zoe and Alan), if that makes sense. I liked it though; it read more like a piece of mythological folklore than a script, enchanting and dark... like Moonlight Sonata.
Zoe as opposed to the common Zoey, translates her into something more of a creation character from Genesis, a giver of life more or less, and you having her waking from a dream; possibly putting her (and us) in an illusion or nightmare, but not through a portal just yet.
The opening scene is short but necessary, but only in this short it is so up front. In Sleepy Hallow, the Hessian (Death Soldier) wasn't revealed till the 25-ish minute mark, but that works there because of time constraints. I said Sleepy Hallow because that's where my mind went with the description of the tree and the twisted limbs.
The moon is about, both during the present zombie brigade, and the past Island killings; yet a veil of red is cast when the Voodoo man takes his own life, cursing all the island inhabitants, and locking everything into a disembodied state of refuge. The enchanting folklore here, for me, is the presence of Diana (Moon), or Isis, and her throwing the veil until a warrior of proper strength and purity can behold her secrets, or unlock the island curse.
Your vivid descriptions revolve around Isis being present, or her blue iridescent glow, illuminating the disembodied corpses, and their corporeal structures as they conform to the portal change. Manly P. Hall states this of Diana;
The symbolic Virgin... by the processes of death and corruption she gives life to a number of creatures of diverse forms through periods of perpetual change...
We're not sure if Zoe is a virgin, however;
Alan sticks his rude finger up at the lens. ZOE This is a family friendly show.
Suggests that maybe she and Alan have not been intimate, her dialog that resonates towards her being something more than Alan and his dismissive personality. Zoe is after all called upon as a warrior that must be pure.
"Pure and true, it must be, the heart of a warrior we must see." as it is written in the pages.
Zoe, immersing herself into the water to escape the Death Soldier, is inadvertently baptising herself under the jetty while Isis watches over her, only crawling bloodied and scarred from the rocky shore to pursue her quest for survival.
She learns of the secrets, Kills herself, and releases the souls who are bound to the island. Then she awakens within the foetal position with no indication that anything even transpired, and we never really do find out if it was all just a dream.
I've always spelled it Zoe. In fact... what is the 'y' doing there? I've never met a Zoe spell their name Zoey. Zoe is the classic spelling so Google tells me...
Sounds right to me. It's not a popular name in this neck of the woods, I've only heard the name once or twice in my life. Once in a song from Staind - Zoe Jane, and a girl in my daughter's class, spelled Zoey... probably the parents trying to be cute and artsy, and of course me just assuming the spelling is the norm with respect to similar names like ' Joey'.
It is spelled Zoey too, but it looks weird to me. Even gets a red line under it with my UK spell checker active. Zoe is quite (or used to be) a popular name here.
“A place that appears small from the outside” Okay, you’ve lost me straight away. Appears from the outside – it’s an Island you’re describing, right?
I think this opening could be tighter, but I do like it, and I’m looking forward to see where this one goes.
Again I’m getting confused? Are the crew out on the deck or in the cabin? Is it the same people?
“This is a family friendly show.” Yeah, the Disney channel also likes to take trips to a supposed “dead island”
“She pulls the sheet up to cover herself” Boo!
The writing is decent on the whole but I do think you need to add some slugs to break up the action – could just be a preference thing I guess.
It’s not bad at the moment, but I feel as if it’s gonna get repetitive – as soon as she runs off again and he “stomps” after her, I’m losing interest – this has been done already.
Yeah, one negative would be the lack of scene changing – it may not bother some but I find this so hard to visualize because of it – the fact that all we read is “trees, rocks and brush” it really becomes repetitive and makes it tiresome.
Okay, so the witch voodoo doc left a note of how to stop the curse – seems odd he would do such a thing but okay. And the random boy has some connection with Zoe? She’s special because? I know, we shouldn’t ask these questions because this is a OWC but I have to ask – I’m not following why Zoe is so special – what about Alan, or the other people that have gone on that Island in the past?
Got a feeling this was written close to the deadline, some grammar issues throughout and some obvious errors towards the end.
“He tries to jump the log but stumbles over it, dropping the knife.” This may have just ruined the whole thing for me – a clumsy killer ghost! What is this, Scooby Doo.
“body brittle and defeated,” Has she really been through that much – she’s run a lot, some bushes have hit her face and she got wet. Hardly enough to make your body “defeated”
Yeah, didn’t really buy into this one at all I’m afraid. There has to be something special about Zoe, or a particular reason for choosing her to save the ghosts. Like most of these OWC’s the characters have struggled and that’s no different here.
Everything came across as convenient – to fit the challenge parameters. The rest of the crew leaving her alone, the ghost directing her to the book and lastly, the clumsy soldier who drops the knife after tripping over.
I don’t think this is your fault as the challenge requirements forced your hand really. This definitely has potential, and with a rewrite could be pretty decent. I liked the pace of this, but the writing and location became so repetitive – there are only so many times you can read brushes and stomps.
What if one of Zoe’s descendants was killed on the Island and that’s the ghost that visits her? Just a thought – she needs a connection with the Island I feel. I would also give her some more at the beginning to justify her actions at the end. Killing herself to set the ghosts free is quite a decision but I never felt that this decision weighed on Zoe – she just kinda accepted it. Again, maybe the descendant’s thing could help with this.
Some definitely good writing, here. "This is a family friendly show." Great line. As is "Come to the Island, they said" (along with the call-back of it at the end.)
The meat of the story? A bit generic... Blood and slaughter, nothing all that new. Which is not suprising... who *doesn't* expect lots of that for a Halloween OWC?
Bottom line... It's obviously a good writer behind this one. It didn't capture my imagination or light it on fire. But it's still a solid entry.
I'm guessing this is an early draft. The story has merit, I think, but it's a lot of work to get to it. The mind-link short cut is acceptable, since this is a OWC.
But the "settlers explore the Island while killing the local Clan" shortcut to explaining the curse seemed excessive, to me -- reduces this script to a series of headlines rather than a story. And Zoe stabbing herself in the heart needed much more of a set up, I think.
18. Isle Of The Dead by Rodney - When an internet blogger is persuaded by her boyfriend and crew to investigate an urban legend, about a cursed island off shore, she will be forced to fight for her life as they all unwilling become part of the legend until the curse on the island is broken.
Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”
With a title like ‘Isle of the Dead’ this sounds like a pretty self-explanatory film. Hope it doesn’t disappoint. Lovin’ the opening super. Nice opening scene. Lice legend explanation and wake up scene. I’m good with the ghosts becoming real + general chaos & pandemonium, however the yacht disappearing seems odd. Witchdoctor’s book has been buried in dirt almost two centuries and is not a crumbly mess? Wow. Pretty good preservation voodoo. Teenaged boy taps the book and the words turn to English. Impressive. Going with it. Soldier running amok is about as silly as the teenaged boy’s capabilities. HFS! She stabs herself through the heart?! And I thought the shark had already been jumped! Wow! Nice wake up save.
Alright. Eh… er… I like the construct fundamentals: Island with cursed antagonist and victims. Sort out the details and you’ll have a great show. Pirate stories are second only to pirate ghost stories!
Suggested construct alternatives: - Provide some sort of nationality of the soldier. - Provide another SUPERIMPOSITION of “Present day” when the yacht scene opens. - Have the yacht disappear as these old ghosts of the murdered appear. - The conditions of undoing the curse of the haunted man need to be overhauled into something more plausible.
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Isle Of The Dead - OWC
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