Another writer who can't open a sentence properly and continuously omits the first word - the subject.  I don't get it and never will, but I'll always bring it up because it really irks me.

Writing is awkward throughout, missing commas, sloppy contractions, passages not broken up well...

Just not working for me.  By Page 4 I'm really struggling here and have decided this one's not for me.

Right - got some time to read some. Got out of this one pretty quick, but then I read all the glowing reviews and decided to give it a nother go - read a page further second time round and I really don't see a story developing nor where it's going.

The best interpretation of the OWC thus far… if you pop some pills.

Uneven tone. Good set-up quickly devolves into pisser territory. Too goofy for me, and I like goofy. Some good creatures and gore though.      

Ominous opening with the crow. Good use of silence. When Grace talks to her mom and something scurries by maybe she could say “cockroaches” or something more logical, especially if she’s trying to earn her mom’s trust that she is recovered from mental illness of some kind. I’d relay THAT information to us in another way. Or save it for later. Maybe she pops a pill before she calls her mom. Since she is expecting an anxious conversation or something.

Itchy scabs. Yeck. That worked for me. Dunno why. But that sort of stuff always makes me squirm. I guess it’s relatable horror, as I think we’ve all had an itchy scab before. I kinda expect her to keep scratching and go too deep – allowing for some nasty blood and gore.

I liked that magazine bit where she spies a model then calls Aiden and tells him to fuck off. Made me laugh there. Didn’t expect that, I guess. I like how you hint at the backstory with the photo too. Now I put together the model photo and put the 2 together. that joke is even better now.

Hmm. The strange pouch appearing. Intriguing. The pills dancing in the air stuff is definitely trippy. Surreal. It would have to be filmed right to affect me though. Almost too strange, verging into silly. Nice let’s approach the garbage disposal scene. Effective. Even if I’ve seen it more than a few times before.

Wow that’s a severe wound. How long before she passes out? Toilet monster might be hard to take serious too. Depends on how it looks. I could use some more creature details to help with that. Right now, though, I’m thinking of GHOULIES. Um, look it up (?)

Okay. You got me. So despite the serious issues relayed in the opening, this is a comedy. The thong tiara helped solidify that impression. Mr. Nasty is greatly detailed. Thanks for thinking up those details. I’d consider this approach for other creatures too. I’m not sure I like the talk to herself bit “is this all in my head”.  Maybe silence is better or another question, like “Am I dreaming?” or comedic “Which pill did I take?”  Looks like Mr Nasty has a high tolerance. He’s pretty active for just shooting heroine. And grace is pretty active with that wound draining her of blood. Wait a sec. What am I talking about? This is ridiculous nonsense, right. Hahah. So who cares… What she has a smoke and hangs out – with that severed arm. Is this a spoof pisser? Okay, I guess she was dead, and this was all in her head. I’m not going to think on it any more.

Some good laughs, but the silly shit gets cranked to 11. Too much for me.       *   (of 5)

Wow.

So I just finished reading reviews. I feel like I missed out my turn during the puff puff pass.

Maybe there is some favoritism going on and some of you know who wrote this. I hope not. My other theory? An experiment is being conducted. A few folks write glowing reviews on a joke script, to see if other reviewers will copy them or feel obliged. I doubt it. I'm just sayin.... my turn was skipped so I'm playing puff puff catch up.

That said, everyone enjoys something different. Most of my favorite movies split the audience like this one here.

If this is serious, I hope the writer understands my jesting. Um... sorry?

I'd like to say that the stuff we read on the page, and what we see on the screen can be lost in translation. I have no idea who wrote this. If this is a pisser, which I'm confident it's not the case, then I'm gonna start taking pisstakes more seriously.

It's a really difficult task to take an author's vision and mold it into our brains. This short molded itself with ease for me! But then again, I enjoy this kinda stuff.

Well said, Johnny.  

I couldn't live with myself if I took a pisser to the voting booth.

It was too cartoony for me. The dancing pills took me right into cartoon land. Drugs don't work like that. I wish they did... but they don't. I've taken enough LSD (amongst other stuff) in the past to know that that kind of thing doesn't actually happen.

This needs to be tackled more subtly if it is to be taken seriously, IMO.

This is a strange one.

It opens brilliantly. The writing is so controlled, the mood and backstory are set well. I could really feel how Grace was struggling with her circumstances and her hold on reality.

The pill bottles were a shock. Very hard to read that and keep taking the story seriously. The images the writing conjures to mind just seem too far out of tone for the story.

Would it make more sense if she opened the bottles, poured them into her hands and then the pills started doing something more "scary". Small mouths opening, then biting her...something surreal but not so over the top?

However once I just swallowed it, I was taken back into the world.

"Something shoots up and bounces". Need to describe it more. If we see it bounce, we get some idea of the size, shape and colour at least.

Hmmm. The story plummeted downhill at a rate of knots for me when Mr Nasty showed up.

The cartoony approach didn't really mesh with such a serious subject IMO. the script was at its best with the realistic tone at the beginning.

Good effort. Didn't quite work. I like the idea of a supernatural nasty that creates suffering, think it needs to be more subtle than the handling here, however.

Quoted from DustinBowcot It was too cartoony for me. The dancing pills took me right into cartoon land. Drugs don't work like that. I wish they did... but they don't. I've taken enough LSD (amongst other stuff) in the past to know that that kind of thing doesn't actually happen. This needs to be tackled more subtly if it is to be taken seriously, IMO.

It's not really the pills making her hallucinate. She's psychotic...she takes the pills to keep her sane.

That's what I took from it, anyway.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films It's not really the pills making her hallucinate. She's psychotic...she takes the pills to keep her sane.

I disagree. A side effect of anti-psychotics can be psychosis. Pills don't keep anyone sane.... they merely exacerbate... which is the plan, of course. There's no profit in curing people.

Points for writing something 'out there'. I'm in the 'for' camp on this one - really enjoyed it. Writing's too straight i.e., not enough nods and winks to the audience for it to be a pisstake imh.

Some things could do with a revamp, but overall I like this a lot.

An amazing imagination on display here! Mr. Nasty is one colorful, nasty dude. Once he showed it, this story seemed to really take off.
While the setup provides good backstory, it may go on just a tad too long. That quick glimpse Grace gets, apparently, is him. But, there's no description of what she sees, so there's no idea what's coming.
As cute as the mental images are of those pills with "angel wings, smiley faces, and halos....(dancing) along the counter-top," Mr. Nasty may be the heart -- or jugular -- of the horror here. Perhaps streamline and introduce Mr. Nasty earlier, and believe this one's a blockbuster!

Oh BOY, we just went down the rabbit-hole with this one!  Actually - although I wouldn't say it fits the challenge criteria - I think it has a certain amount of charm.  (I know, that seems a little strange to say, given the absolute wierdness of this one.)  I DO think this one deserves to be polished and enhanced on its own merits (as opposed to an OWC submission.)  As a bizarre anti-drug piece, it's pretty neat.  Personally?  If it were me, I'd shorten it a few pages, and have the ending be far more ambiguous...  leaving doubt as to whether Mr. Nasty were real or not.  (Like perhaps have a chuckle occur in the sink of the abandonned apt - something like that.)

Cheers,

--J

I think I must be floating – the writing is really good but the story is amiss and I’m not really getting into this one – half way through and nothing has really happened.

Oh there, Mr. Nasty – I remember that from the title but actually forgot all about him, or what this story was supposed to be about to be honest.

You change Mr. Nasty from it to him, and then back to it which is confusing when reading.

The writing is good overall, some little issues that are easily solved and it could be tightened, especially in the last few pages – found myself rereading sections but that could just be me.

But the story is just not for me I’m afraid – I really drifted in and out of this one and by the end, I don’t know if I would even consider this a story. Felt more like a scene from Gremlins or Critters but the main characters high instead of being a nerdy kid. Not for me I’m afraid, but kudos on the imagination here.