Shout at the Devil by Logan Tyler - Short, Horror - On Halloween, 2014, the gates of Hell will open, and only the chosen one can hope to close them. (NC 17) - pdf, format

Okay, not sure what to make of this one.  First off, good idea for the main setting, a commercial haunted house.  Was waiting for one of those to pop up in the challenge.  I do think, however, that having deaf characters was an easy way out in this owc.  Pretty much solves the whole one character dialogue without any real effort.

As for the story, some strange choices were made.  The opening quote was completely unnecessary.  And frankly, you didn't need that entire opening shot with the factory.  It would have been more mysterious if we, the readers, encountered the factory at the same time as the kids.  As far as Jose and Maria, I don't know why they were even in the story or what they contributed.

I do have to hand it to the writer, though, this script took the gore to the next level.  Children being dismembered, Satanic creatures with mega-schlongs...yeah this script went there.

I don't think any parent or guardian would actually let small children wander through a dilapidated factory by themselves.

So, what was happening on page 8?  Maria looks down from above?   But she's at the house getting plowed by Jose.  How did she get there?  Unless the writer accidentally confused the names and meant to write one of the little girls' names there.

Ending made no sense, but that kind of fits with the rest of the script.  It felt disjointed and scattered, like some decent scenes in search of a better story.

Srarting off with a classic Motley Crue quote! This script better bring the shit now...

...and you do.
Extra kudos for being graphic enough but not overdoing it.
Going off a checklist

Halloween? Check.
Horror. Double Check.
One character speaks. Triple check.
Portal/another dimension- Full house.

Requirements met.
Writing is exceptional. Nothing sticks out as bad. I don't think I have seen an actual "haunted house" in the OWC, although one or two came close. But this comes right out and brings the shit.

Don was not kidding. This is by far the best OWC in terms of quality. This is one of those such entries. On a short list of favs for sure.
You get a cat for this one.


-DjS

Hopefully not based on the Motley Crue song. Or maybe that would be good. On second thoughts, no.

Oooh, after reading the start I feel the Crue are about. I can smell the sweat and dripping eye liner.

This was a bit dull. I felt myself nodding off halfway through. The solo dialogue felt forced. I wasn't buying any of it. Enough said.

R

Code An unearthly SHRIEK from inside, followed immediately by a thick guttural GROWL, so loud, it literally drowns out all other sound.

I'd drop 'immediately' from this block as it spoils the flow. I'd also drop 'literally'. In fact, you need to rewrite the whole block.

You've got flow... perhaps you just need to edit this to make sure every action block flows, but I like the way you write.

Code Freezer bags of tamales line the counter. A huge pot of beans simmers on the stove. A half full 1.75 liter bottle of Sauza tequila keeps silent vigil, next to a full sink of dirty dishes and pots and pans.

Nice action block, until one too many 'and' in the final sentence. Take out the first 'and' in the last sentence, replace it with a comma.... perfection.

Hating the dialogue at the moment. Does he really need to explain where he's going... can't they just go? I don't like to know what's going to happen before we get there. Surprise me.

Code Twelve feet tall, bulbous head, unholy maw, two foot flaccid penis jutting out.

Now that's how it is done.

Story-wise this needs work. Not sure about all the stuff with grandpa at the beginning. You might as well start with them arriving at the party. Build it from there. Too many pages, too much going on... not for me right now but could be worth working on if prepared to edit drastically.

You lost me at the end. Pretty good set-up, I had a feel for the characters, then...what?...the mother shows up and Clavo saves her? Or rescues her from her husband, whose idea of smooth seduction is to point at his crotch? Did some kind of spirtual thing happen?

Shout at the Devil

Hello,

I think you spend too much lines for Clavo's dialogue toward Jose.

The visuals are good.

"Selena"    ---  Who's that?

I don't know how it's meant to be in the end. A guess: Angelika and Julia are dead now, right? Maria and Clavo had a plan to get rid of these girls, because both girls originated from a rape by Jose; and so their mother, Maria, hasn't accepted them? This would be an explanation why Maria and Clavo are happy in the end? Why do they have a halo? Is it metaphorical and of course critical meant with regards to belief and religion. So, Clavo was the only "true" son of Maria - they get a halo for destroying the shame(the girls) Jose brought to life by raping Maria.

If it's such a metaphorical language here, it has to be clearer IMO.

Jose and Maria like Joseph and Mary. Maybe I'm not that wrong with all points.

Crazy shit. Not meant negative. But it's crazy.

An old fashioned campfire horror story where no noun gets away without an adjective.

Plenty of creepiness and horror as well.  

SPOILERS

Most of the adults drink the 'shine / Kool-Aid.

Some clever camera angles will have to be used to show the characters are signing without showing what they are saying, but I'm sure that can be done.

Anyway, I'm glad Maria got away from the ceiling, that was good.  

SPOILERS

Crazy awesome visuals.

nitpicky: Wind whips *wet piece of paper, wind whips *wet leaves. Took me out of the story trying to figure the logic of wet leaves and paper flying around.

nitpicky: Sauza tequila?  No, Sauza Tequila Gold!  

Dialogue: clever how handled.  Would have to recruit the cast from Gallaudet.

Personal thing.  I didn't like the kids getting hurt.  If you had raised the age of the children and made them "bad kids" It would have been more palitable for me.

Jesus Ninja Death Star!  I love it.

I didn't get what was going on with Jose and Maria.  Jose beats Maria?  Jose can't get it up?  

Awesome first draft.  Great ideas.  It needs to be worked a little more to flesh out the story.  Inthis trope, if bad things happen to kids who are essentially 'good', then something bad has to happen to the bad guy.  



- Don

*spoilers*

Ninja death star. 'Twas Jesus.

Really good start up with the exploding warehouse and the paper splatting on the dirty window); got a bit lost with Maria and Jose in the bedroom (he throws her down on the bed, despite apparently having some ED issues), then Maria showing up at the fear factory (I thought it was only the kids who went in)...until she drops in from the sky on the killing grounds to save Clavo...Liked it over all, though.

I loved the idea of a killer funhouse. And the parents waiting out back in a daze was creepy. But ultimately I wanted more explanation. I never understood anything deeper than my initial grasp of the concept. It never came together.

Julia turns into Maria at the end, but the way it’s handled really makes me think it’s a typo. And what was up with Jose and Maria? Maybe you wanted to go somewhere with it, but since it never got there all you’ve got is a really superfluous rape scene.

I’m guessing this was rushed at the last minute. There’s a decent start to a good concept, but it finishes up without much exploration.

Shout...

Nice writing as we go along but the scene with the father without dialogue does struggle

Writing seems familar - May guess this one.

Not sure the mother father bit is required. I appreciate there is a hypocritical element to his belief and his actions, but the story lies eleswhere. This feels like a bolt on.

I think has the opportunity to be improved. To get the most out of this I feel the characters need fleshing out and, for me, the location would benefit from more backstory. I know some don't mind random places etc but I prefer some connection.

All the best

As I go...

Ah yes, a Motely Crue quote to start us off.

Looks like the portal has opened.

The Sauza tequila is keeping vigil?  Silent vigil?  Of course, because only 1 character can talk and I doubt the tequila is going to be that talking character.

Clavo sounds like Sheri Moon Zombie in her hubby's last terrible movie.

OK, so I like the use of the mute family, sans kid Clavo who is our voice here.

Writing is OK and I'm still in, but let's get moving...

Who is Selena?

Hmmm, looks like old Jose ain't as nice as he seems.

Page 5 - Still here.  Interesting waste of a FADE OUT and then a FADE IN - do we really need these transactions?

Damn, I knew it!  Jose is a right old bastard.  Poor Maria...

Page 6 - OK, now the horror begins, and it's pretty horrific.  Good job, I'll stay till the end.

Bulbous head and a two foot flaccid penis?  Any lesbians around?

Page 7 - feels very rushed here, but I like the visuals - actually, I want more.

How did Maria get here?  On the ceiling?  WTF?

The old ninja death star, huh?  Or is it actually a Jesus death star?

Clavo just carries his Mom away?  She must be a very small woman.

I don't quite get it.  Wait, actually, I don't get it at all.  Seems like alot of unnecessary info early on with Jose, who never shows up again, and what happened to the little Genie..and what's with black eyed Maria showing up and falling from the ceiling?  Seems like alot went missing...

I read it all, but it made no sense when all was said and done.  Wish we could have closed with another Crue quote.

Found this to be an interesting style, but I'm not sure why. Strange mix of steady writing and visuals, but neither totally did the job right:
p.2 'The rain has stopped' is a dim line as it's a tell and there should be a creative show in there. But it all feels like it's practised as well, like the author knows his way round but they're taking a new different route?

...and one google search of tamales later... (which is a " traditional Mesoamerican dish made of masa (a starchy dough, usually corn-based), which is steamed or boiled in a leaf wrapper" for those who couldn't be arsed googling).

Okay - first time I've seen deaf from any entry yet, so that's a nice angle.

p.7 '...two foot flaccid...'
should be '...two-foot flaccid...'

&

'The creature rips Angelika into pieces, picks up Julia in
its strange talon-like fingers.'
should be separate or conjoin properly.

I think you got confused with the names at the end, and the wrap is all a bit rushed TBH. If you re-visit it you'll improve it a lot.