Strong religious overtones. Good creature stuff. Pretty scary and gory. Short.

Interesting opening. A lot creepy surreal imagery. I don’t know what it all means, but colour me intrigued. I like that the family is Latino. It adds some variety. I’ve been seeing a lot of familiar characters sprinkled throughout these OWC scripts. However, this is another case of a deaf character. I’ll admit that sign language is a pretty good way around the 1 speaker parameter though.

I like the haunted house stuff. Pretty creepy. I wonder if the older sister should laugh or smile or something, like she thinks this really good make-up effects and staging and such. She thinks it’s all part of the fun. Until she doesn’t. The creature was scary though – and effectively designed down to the large penis…um, I guess. Ha, jokes. This is like a traditional ancient devil design. Creepy for sure.

There might be a bit too much sign of the cross stuff going on. Pick a few moments instead. And is Clavo like GAMBIT or something. He zips that charged card like a shuriken. Kinda silly, but it takes this into fun territory. Let’s see how much more goofy horror stuff happens, but right now I’m thinking this bit tarnishes the more serious scary tone. Then it ends. Wow. I didn’t know Clavo was so divine. The halo stuff is a bit over-the-top for me. Like too silly. I wonder if it would be more effective to end on sadness. Like Clavo exits the house holding his dead sister, while Maria and he are shocked numb.

Serious tone unfortunately shifts to silliness. Creepy visuals. Strange concept.       *   *    (of 5)

Some pretty spooky stuff. Lots of visual fodder.
Might not need Jose and Maria's story. Probably enough story, and horror, with Clavo and the girls.
Some good action and color. Maybe tighten some of the description for more impact, and to speed up the pace.

Chilling, atmospheric intro.  Good set-up with the flyer, worked well with the reader being kept at a distance from the warehouse.  This is leading somewhere bad.

Got confused with the ‘conversation’ on p.4.  Who’s Selena? Have I missed something crucial to the plot?

Can something flaccid also be said to jut?   Perhaps, this is Satan’s schlong after all...

This was going well but it started to feel scattered towards the end.  Julia became Maria -- a typo perhaps?  What point did Jose and Maria serve the plot?  I got a sense of some deeper morality tale -- kids out celebrating this pagan festival while the parents stay home committing sins of the flesh.  It felt rushed into place -- think this would have been better dropping that angle and focusing more as a straight-up dose of horror given the page restraints.

The idea of ‘the chosen one’ also needs to be strengthened -- were it not for the logline I never would have realised.

I like the premise and the atmosphere though not keen on the little kids slaughterhouse aspect.  Maybe a weekend special: hipsters two-for-one deal?  Unicyclists go free...  I’d watch that.

Good idea in this -- maybe one worth revisiting.

Writer,

Good opening here. It sets everything up nicely. Not sure what Jose and Maria brought to the story. They kinda got abandoned, but I'm sure there was some purpose there.

I feel you need a better build up of the evil funhouse and what awaits inside. It seems the demon/monster just has no reason for being other than to kill the children.

Not sure how Clavo became so divine in the first place. Was that alluded to earlier?

Overall, decent writing, good visuals and a pretty consistent tone throughout with a creepy impending sense of doom.

Steve

I love old dilapidated factories so I like the opening of this. The way you described it ...made the factory seem almost alive...hungry. Kudos for tone setting in this.

Oh and sign language...interesting. At first I thought they were just trying to be quiet to scare but then realized it was more than that.

I love your choice of names in this....different and easy to remember.

hmmm the dead children not really liking that. And why does the place want children? And I wasn't sure why Jose's relationship was bad with the woman unless he was just a drunk.

I am not sure I'm really liking or wanting to follow these characters right now. I did feel sorry for the children that could not speak. I'm a little confused on that.

I really do not like the killing of the children and the big penis...And then Clavo saves Maria and becomes like jesus...confused sorry. I loved the beginning of this...not sure I like the ending ...it is a wild ride though and has creepy emanating off of it.

… and we open with the penultimate battle cry for the misunderstood youth of a bygone era, that inebriated rebel without a clue, the endangered species; The Headbanger.  The ultimate of course being the Vincent Price monologue from Maiden’s ‘Number of the Beast’… but this still set a curious mood none the less.

“Multicolored lights blaze through every window…” Another script with a multicolored gateway; signifying something surreal and disturbing within its chamber or horrors. I love these unperceived metaphors of awakening. Something people take for granted, are these free flowing gateways that literally surround us within society, granting us access to our hidden subconscious if we would only stop for a moment and take a peek inside. Hell, even the Soul script took us to a Rave… it’s like the writers in this OWC were collectively connected through a thin silver thread of psychic energy. I’m shooting off on a tangent because your script is laden with despair and creativity.

“1.75 liter bottleof Sauza tequila” … I’m thinking someone from the UK or a commonwealth thereof, mind you, even Canadians call it a ‘Forty’ regardless of the metric system.

I like Clavo right away; he seems like a man in a little dude’s disguise. Dressed for celebrations of ‘Los Muertos’, he carries the weight of his father’s responsibility, Jose. Unfortunately, Clavo is just that; a boy, and inadvertently leads his siblings into the mouth of the beast… which is where I got really confused.

There’s basically a blood bath, using children as the primary victims, however, it’s just senseless killing IMO. Perhaps it wasn’t about killing; these blood offerings to a grotesque being, but the calling of Clavo to finalize the yearly ritual of this disturbing factory of carnage. That would make for something more palpable in regards to the death march of those two girls. The need to offer up a sacrifice to ensure Clavo will remain unchallenged, and ever tormenting the beast he just destroyed to never temp his powers again.

So many crazy visuals and hidden metaphors within this script. Dark… so dark. but carrying a message of hope. Such a strange juxtaposition of blood and folklore. Very unique.

Well... okay.  

I THOUGHT this was going in one direction that I really was grooving on... sort of a classy, gothic Day of the Dead sort of thing.  And going with Spanish language and culture was such a breath of fresh air from the rest of the challenge.  Something different, and unique.  And the start was so Crypt Keeper visual - and that was a great start, too.

Then Clavo starts guesturing to his crotch.  And saying things like Dude...  And THEN you've got descriptions of flaccid penises, and characters thrusting into other characters, and gore that would make Tom Savini blush...  Uh, you lost me there.  It was just too over the top crazy, messy and gratuitous.... at least for me.  

Cheers,

--J (W)

Some care appears to have been taken with the opening so that's not too bad, regardless of a bit of repetition. It does take a bit of a downward turn in quality after that in my opinion.

Dialogue is a bit forced, least to my ear. And Clavo's character - in particular his dialogue, seems to undergo a transformation towards the end, regardless of the fact he would speak differently when addressing Jose.

As I read:

Everybody signs here except Clavo? That a bit of bad luck.  

A half full 1.75 liter bottle
of Sauza tequila keeps silent vigil,

I really don't like the wording above - an inanimate object being personified. Sometimes that works. It doesn't work for me here, sorry. Sounds contrived.

U.S. writer for sure. A Brit or Aussie would spell this as 'litre'.

You would do well to differentiate yourself as the writer as opposed to the dialogue your characters speak. Along that vein stay away from:

An insanely tall figure
'unholy rack of teeth'
levitated forward with an unholy speed, - & delete the 'an' in the latter, btw.

The 'unholy' and 'insanely' stuff is too much for me. As are the overladen descriptions and directions - rolling of eyes, blinking repeatedly, squinting, smiling - Allowing the actors to do their jobs without dictating every action is a good idea.

It's is a contraction of 'it is'. Thought the first a typo, but then you repeat it. Just in case.

It's maw opens,

At one point I'm thinking this is a send up of all things horror. Now, I'm not sure.

Twelve feet tall, bulbous head, unholy maw, two foot flaccid
penis jutting out. -

'flaccid' on one hand, and 'juts' on the other. I suppose it is big - but the wording seems a bit contradictory to me.

Finally, a picture of Jesus severs the creature's head. Really? That huge monstor of a thing just got done by a bit of cardboard?! Suppose it's like throwing holy water at a vampire.

They both sign - sign what? Victory? The other kid died. I have no idea.

Though it surely seemed to entertain others this didn't do much for me and I'm sure you can do better. Overall this reads to me as an 'unholy' rush job submitted at the last minute.  

I would personally have the fade in after the message. I remember one time, someone saying something along the lines of “how can we see this – the screen’s still black” Anyway, it doesn’t really matter.

“ESTEVEZ HOUSE” Emilo? I do hope so…

“The windows are all open” So it’s wet and windy and these guys leave the windows open?

“A half full 1.75 liter bottle of Sauza tequila keeps silent vigil” Is this overwriting? Are all these details important?

“his eyes glow with kindness.” My eyes are exactly the same, or so people tell me.

“Clavo motions to the girls with a hand sign, and they both giggle silently.” What did Clavo do? It’s your job as the writer to tell us. I want to know what made them giggle.

“finger to his lips.” They could whisper right?

“laugh silently” to go with “giggle silently” This feels like I’m reading an old silent movie.

“oblivious to the blaring music.” Yeah, that’s right… the music. Why are they creeping around again?

Some really odd phrasing has me chuckling and all the silent stuff just isn’t working for me at the moment.

“Clavo pulls out a generic picture of Jesus, kisses it and signs again.” Generic? Do 16 year old kids carry around a picture of Jesus? I guess it can happen.

“Jose signs furiously, as a tear forms in his eye.” Have to admit to getting lost – I thought the opening was good, but I haven’t liked this intro of the family which is a little confusing with all the hand signing and such.

“The three (walk along), as throngs of Trick or Treaters (walk along) the hazy streets.” Try not to be repetitive in your action like this.

Mija, Mijas – I’m getting really lost to who Clavo is supposed to be talking too? I think it’s Angie? Also, I think mija is slang for daughter which also isn’t helping.

“She has a fresh black and swelling eye.” The second one I’ve read that deals with abuse (possibly?)

“three foot Styrofoam mask” That’s one big mask.

“Both girls sign again” What are they actually doing – all this generic hand signing is wearing thin as I have no actual visual idea of what they’re doing? I’m also wondering why no one is talking, other than the challenge parameters.

“carefully eyeing the odd behaviour” but not all the dead people that are sitting around. Wouldn’t he find it strange that nobody is signalling at him.

“impossibly tall figure” Impossibly… but he is that tall, right? I don’t understand. How tall is he supposed to be? There’s something annoying in the writing that we never actually get visuals, just a snippet of one. I do like it when things are left to the reader’s interpretation but this feels like it’s been happening throughout the story.

“two foot flaccid penis jutting out.” I don’t know if I should be taking this seriously now? Great line though. At least the writing is being more visual now.

“signs to her sister” Great! Is Julie giving up her sister up first?

“Angelika's red witch costume is ripped away.” How old is she again? This is getting weirder by the second.

“but it's more of a shark's smile” I must admit that I’m getting some great laughs at the moment. Did you watch Shark Tale before writing this line?

“Julia SCREAMS!” silently?

“No one around him moves or seems to understand what's going on.” I thought they were dead.

“Julia SCREAMS again.” If the scene is continuous, Julia shouldn’t be screaming again – just still screaming if that makes sense. Probably doesn’t, much of what I say doesn’t.

“Maria looks down from above” Who? Is this the same Maria that Jose is giving one too?

“throws it forward like a ninja death star.” Yes! Excellent use of the tools available to him, quite inventive really – a damn paper cut will show that Demon who’s boss.

Who knew a picture could be so damaging – the pen is mightier and all that I guess.

Wow, just wow. Honestly not sure what to make of this one. Didn’t fully understand why nobody could talk, and just used hand signs or basic signs all the time. I think it takes a hell of a long time to get going, but in all that time, nothing of relevance is actually revealed. Jose and Maria are pointless, and I don’t understand the siblings, or why they want to go to some random warehouse.

Clavo is also a weak character, and doesn’t even have to face off any real obstacles – in fact, he should join the boys on Supernatural because he’s a natural when it comes to killing evil things.

There are some moments of gold in the last few pages (felt sorry for poor Angie) as her little sister nominated her first to die, and the throwing of the picture like a ninja star is really goofy but a fun way to finish.

I think you need to intro the family better, and explain all the “signing” that’s going on – maybe you did and I missed it – if that’s the case, then it needs to be clearer. You also need to give Clavo and the sisters a stronger goal then just popping to a ghost house as there is nothing scary to that predicament. In fact, the story lacks any goals until Clavo see’s that Julie is in trouble but he overcomes it so easily that it falls flat.

Everything from the writing to story just feels unfocused at the moment – moving back to Jose and Maria mid-story was a perfect example. Nothing leads to anything here. It’s like a lot of random scenes crammed together and that’s not a story.

Not for me this one – needs some work.

I thought the start of this was good, and I enjoyed the blood note tapering into the demented serpent figure's face. What followed that was surprisingly deadpan for me - a great tone. Going from over-the-top to hitting a brick wall - and I liked it.

The scene when Jose was fondling her was almost too sincere for the story, it was interesting, but out of place. But I have no suggestions, it is what it is.

This writer 100% takes home the prize for the most sick, twisted imagery in this OWC. And I'd say the great description that delivered it was responsible. Good work, although the story is elusive.

A bunch of improperly placed commas in this one early on. I do like the setup though with the haunted house and the family at home.

Whoa - dead kids? Naked 14 year old facing a 2 ft dick?

And... victory by Jesus picture.

Why is the Mom there? I don't get it. She died? Not sure what message to take from this one. Good visuals though.

Ok...this one was weird - really weird.

I thought I was going to like this because your opening, IMO, was strong. I loved how you set up the factory and had the portal opening within - the vibe was freaky. Really set the mood for a good horror.

Sad to say though, after the opening, everything kind of fell apart in, what seems to be, a rushed attempt to get something in.

Don't get me wrong - with work this could be something good, but as it stands was not for me. The ending with Maria or Julia and what was going on with Jose before that was really confusing. I also didn't like Angelika being stripped down the way she was, but did get a good chuckle from the creatures description.

31.  Shout at the Devil by Logan Tyler - On Halloween, 2014, the gates of Hell will open, and only the chosen one can hope to close them.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Shout at the Devil’ I’m expecting something very much just like that, little tongue in cheek.
Crazy opening sequence. Like it.
Windows all open?! Someone like humidity in their house. Yeesh.
Nice mute/deaf family. Interesting work around.
Story’s lost a lot of energy on that change from opening sequence to the humdrum of familiy drama.
(Turn off your program’s “Mores and Continueds” feature. Not necessary.)
Dad’s quite the bastard.
Excellent terror scene with the blood blast at the factory fun house!
Horrific pile of dead children!
This is a sorta crazy story.
Ah, the Jesus-picture-shuriken. An oldy but a goody.

Uh… (figuratively lifts up the screenplay, looks behind it, under it, back at the front, over it, puts it down.) Did I miss a couple pages?
Good images and settings, though.
Not much shouting at the devil, BTW.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Figure out something relevant to do with wife raping drunken dad story aspect.
- Provide some reason why Julia’s crosses were  “more effective” than Angelica’s.

My apologies on this shitty effort on my part.  I'm embarrassed, but I wanted to get something in.

Things were going OK until I must have gotten a little hammied and thought I had more time than I did, as I had 5 pages to go with 20 minutes on the clock, and I ended up only getting 3 pages in and no time to go back and figure out all the mistakes I made.  Sad thing is that I actually had about an hour and a half, and I decided to have a smoke and a drink, and ended up on the phone for 30 minutes.  

Stupid...stupid...stupid!!!

I messed up the characters in the final scene, and never got to go back and edit out the scene with the parents, which obviously had nothing to do with the "story"...if there even was a story.  I did have plans for a finale that would have run about a page and half, but, obviously didin't get that done.

Pure shit, I know.  Feel free to jump in and trash this thing, as it deserves anything anyone wants to say about it.

My bad all the way around. Sorry...

Haha, Jeff! There were so many details that gave this away, but as soon as dude throws Jesus ninja star, you should've just put your name on the title page. I was entertained, don't be so hard on yourself lol!