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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    December 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  All I Want For Christmas - OWC
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: December 22nd, 2020, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was technically well-written; I just didn't dig it as much as the other's.  That said, the story feels fine to me, the setup seems well designed enough, but nods of agreement to most of the comments above,  as far as the ending goes. Maybe a few more pages would do it justice. All in all, not bad. Thanks for sharing.

Ghost


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Rob
Posted: December 23rd, 2020, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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I can relate to the parents searching for a missing pacifier. I had a few moments like that myself.

Naughty step is a funny term. I like it.

There is an effective sense of dread that builds in this script. Each passing day brings us closer to bad news. Some will find the conclusion a little dour. The message: Don't each chocolate before Christmas or you'll face something completely dark and horrible. I'm just glad that the baby is okay. I was worried about that.
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SAC
Posted: December 26th, 2020, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Pretty dark for a Christmas story. That said, this story does not set itself apart from similar ones. How you’d do that, I don’t know, but get creative. Because not only is this bleak, it’s pedestrian and that’s something you definitely don’t want. Little Izzy’s transgressions certainly do not match her punishment, so that might be something to start with.

Steve


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Claudio
Posted: December 27th, 2020, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
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This was almost amazing for me. Trust me, I was on board and I usually really like the idea of a nasty left turn!
This turn however just didn't seem to fit thematically/ logically.

The writing was great, great pace and action. The family members each lose what is most dear to them if they're bad, that's
awesome!
Dylan - Dummy
Izzy - Doll House
Dad - PS5
Mom - Izzy?

First of all, why did Dylan and Mom lose anything? Dad was kind of annoying I guess, but even he shouldn't have been punished,
right? My other problem with that set-up is that Izzy's death is technically double punishment for everyone involved. The parents
would already be "punished" if the doll house went missing, they'd feel bad for Izzy and probably feel like they screwed up
Christmas.
It's a tough nut to crack, because the shock of Izzy's death is surprising and enjoyable in a macabre way. To water-down that
ending with a goofy Willy Wonka-esque punishment probably isn't the solution either. Most importantly, the "time" has to
fit the "crime".

Perhaps Izzy could be given clear warnings? She bites into the chocolate when she shouldn't, and it turns to coal/worms/
whatever. Later when she makes the leap to open the bigger presents her punishment feels more justified? I used to watch
Yu-gi-oh as a kid, and a character in that show had the power to make people go insane. What if Izzy loses her mind when she
opens the doll house a day early? She thinks she is in the doll house and that the Elf is chasing her.

There could be a better story "puzzle piece" out there, who knows. It's definitely divisive in its current iteration, and maybe that's
the goal. Anyway, this was definitely one of my favorites.
Good stuff!



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Claudio  -  December 27th, 2020, 9:44pm
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Sam
Posted: December 29th, 2020, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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This was my entry and I guess I did a really bad job of setting up the ending.

The point of the story, as Claudio eludes to is that each character wants something for Christmas which they all lose when Izzy breaks one rule.

Izzy wants the doll’s house, Dad wants a PS5 and Dylan always wants his Dummy which all disappear on Christmas morning.

In the middle of the story the Mum says something like “All I want is for her to wake up Christmas morning and—” then she’s interrupted.

FYI, I did read the comment which got deleted and I didn’t have a problem with it.
Thanks to everyone who read, commented and called it shite   .


Email - samuellees@yahoo.co.uk
My script The Reachable Moon - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-family/m-1517759624/

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