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IZZY (5), a curly haired, sweet looking girl, spills light from the landing into the dark room as she opens the door and tiptoes to a large wardrobe at the far end of the room.
You're missing hyphens on curly-haired and sweet-looking. ANd the passage is awkward - Izzy doesn't spill the light - IT spills in.
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Izzy is on the naughty step in the corner of the room, next to the Christmas tree.
Naughty step?? Not familiar with this.
A dummy is a pacifier I guess - learn something new every day.
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SARAH How did it get the?
typo?
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A child’s hand maneuvers through branches, pines and lights of the Christmas tree to a chocolate, dangling deep inside.
At this point we know the child is Izzy - just use her name.
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John pulls from behind his back a wooden elf.
S/B
John pulls a wooden elf from behind his back.
Okay - going to stop with the typos and phrasing here - but there are quite a few issues with the writing.
SPOILERS
Story-wise.
You did hit the parameters of the challenge - congrats.
This one definitely took a dark turn. I was kind of expecting that the elf was going to have something on everybody the way you set it up - e.g., no play station for Dad because he was caught - but only are poor Izzy got the nasty deed it seems.
Had a hard time with that - a five-year-old little girl victim - For my tastes - I would have much preferred the Dad getting it (kind of a misdirect as well). Others may be fine with it.
Note: This should not be classified as FAMILY genre
But the timeline via the 'Superimpose' confused me... you have 23rd December, then 24th and then Christmas Eve - the last two are obviously the same, did I miss something.
The end didn't feel foreshadowed enough and didn't gel for me... no issue with some retribution delivered by the Elf but we are set up to believe a present, the one she most wants, will be taken away. And then you just kill her... which isn't the present she most wanted so it jars.
Ok, that went where I didn’t want it to go… I never trusted those little Elf fuckers. It was never a tradition growing up in my house, or neck of the woods, that… Elf thingy, shelf thingy, or … whatever, but I guess nostalgia is what you make it, millennials have always known that ‘Elf on the Shelf’ ruse, I guess. Not that you’re a millennial, or maybe you are, just… maybe it’s just an Elf, and there is no shelf. I digress.
Dummy, I presume is a ‘soother’, the rubber nipple. That’s what North Americans call it… a fake teat for lack of the better; you’re telecasting your location, all good. Just an FYI: a few give-aways for the UK and Aussies are Bonnet (Hood-America), Mum (Mom – America), Dummy (Soother- America) … you get the gist. Not that either or is right or wrong, just the lingo of the land if you want to remain incognito. Mind you… maybe you are?
“All I Want for Christmas”. Ooooh… that song. I had to sing it in a grade three Christmas Concert. I was singing the shit out of it too, all the while looking at my Mom in the audience, smiling, loving life. Then the teacher… Mrs. Webster, who weighed about a deuce - a deuce and a half, came up to me after the concert and smacked me a good one right across the face “You’re supposed to look at me for hand signs during the concert!”
Oh yeah…! Like she’s fucking ‘Vivaldi’ or something conducting her canon, or opus… all I could do was wail, that’s what we did back in the day after authority figures smacked you about, you cried. You never told anyone, this is the first time I’ve said that out loud… kids were kids and teachers were asshole’s, meh.
OK, onto the Elf. I didn’t get an enchanting, magic, or surreal connection for this little wooden creature, it just kind of showed up, from behind John’s back.
Red flag number one:
Sarah kneels down to her (Izzy’s) eye level.
SARAH: “We have something very special...”
“Something very special...?” Yeah, all I heard is a fallout siren. Someone’s gonna make a movie sooner than later about these evil little wooden Elf dudes ruining Christmas… might as well be this one, IMO. Weird you went creepy over the holidays, but I guess you had to go there.
Jumpers...? (I'm sensing a rush job) - even if you added ugly Christmas jumpers... Deffo a Brit, Kiwi or Aussie writer with the naughty corner and dummy...
Bloody hell (excuse my French - twice so far I've used that minor expletive on an entry) the ending is so dark.
The Elf really should have shut Dylan up. Just kidding, but that crying baby would surely drive a person mad. The Elf probably had enough.
Bit too dark for me, but then the genre was open and you hit the parameters with the 'ornament'.
Rick, I thought American usage was pacifier? Just goes to show what I know.
Yes, that too, lol. But that has waaaaaay too many syllables when you have a wailing baby in your arms: ‘Where the f*ck’s that soother!’ is mainly heard around these parts. Mind you, my kids are grown now so I haven’t said that in awhile.
First up, loved Izzy screaming at her bro to “shut up!!” Don’t know why but I found that very funny within the opening context. Then we went into the middle movements and climax...
So, after the setup, and also for part of it, there were so many points that could have been streamlined with dialogue ready for the chop and descriptions that could be cut down. It’s something I’m bad at, where you think you need every word to just set a tone or a scene, but then after a clean reread a few weeks on you take an axe to it. Your standard of writing is good, however, it just needs tweaked to make it awesome.
The ending kinda came from nowhere for me. There’s an elf sat in the middle of a family drama, then it suddenly decides to do what it does?? Needed a bit of warning there, not just random elf mischief on that scale.
Anyway, decent attempt but needs some work.
Cam
P.S. review was brought to you by IDLES, with their angry bits sorta fitting the ending quite well!
Typos aside, nicely written and some lovely imagery. The ending came out of left-field though, I didn't see any behaviour which would warrant such serious punishment. This is in no way a family movie but a great effort.
-Mark
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Aside from a couple spelling and grammatical issues, it was well written and an easy read. You definitely got the shock factor you were going for but not sure how sellable this would be?
Good job, writer. I think it's exactly what you were going for.
"DOLLS HOUSE" - Either Doll's House, or Dollhouse.
Lots of strange slang (to me, at least), overwritten lines, and awkward wording, but here I have to bring something up - you intro this Elf, but give us no clue how big it is, which is important.
So, I had to google a bunch of words, and based on that, I think you need to set this thing up properly and tell us where we are with a SUPER, or something that makes it clear.
Because the parents are never addressed properly by their name, they would be better named Mom and Dad, or whatever the slang is there.
I really think everything is pretty well done, even alot of dialogue, up to the end, starting on Christmas morning, then everything takes a very sudden turn. Hey, I love horror and the unexpected turn of events, but this is a 6 page short, and there wasn't a single sign of horror leading up to the all these "Close up" on the Elf grinning.
Coming out of left field doesn't even hold a candle to what takes place here. We see absolutely no reason for this to happen, and because of that, for me, at least, I'm left muttering, "WTF?"
Maybe you need a 10 page limit here and you can go back and show John buying this Elf, and give some opening to the potential horror that "may" follow. This could be very effective, and very good, even. Go back and fix this one up. I think you'll be glad if you do.
Maybe the writer is British - Here we write dates in the order of DD--MM--YY
Hello Writer
Actually my last read so I am hoping for something lovely, warm and Christmassy
Another elf of the shelf?... It's not your fault that I read the other two first, but jeez, what's with these guys? Honestly, the threats that parents make to their children is just weird, a doll sent by a creepy old man who watches children.... strange. Anyway, back to the story.
Why are you superimposing Christmas Eve?... it's been Christmas Eve for a while.
Milk? Give Santa some brandy at least.
Well, fuck me that was bleak... I'm now filled to the brim with Christmas joy and wonder.
Storywise, I really don't like it. It dragged quite a lot, and didn't have a satisfying payoff. It's not much of a horror for most of it, just a tragic ending for no real reason.
Wow, that got dark really fast. I figured the elf would do something after the ate the candy, but not go to the fullest extent. It's a bit twisted for me, especially with no build up towards it, but it works well enough.
You really made it seem like this was going to be a nice little family story.
Without that 6 page limiter on this I think you can make a good story out of this.
I thought this was technically well-written; I just didn't dig it as much as the other's. That said, the story feels fine to me, the setup seems well designed enough, but nods of agreement to most of the comments above, as far as the ending goes. Maybe a few more pages would do it justice. All in all, not bad. Thanks for sharing.
I can relate to the parents searching for a missing pacifier. I had a few moments like that myself.
Naughty step is a funny term. I like it.
There is an effective sense of dread that builds in this script. Each passing day brings us closer to bad news. Some will find the conclusion a little dour. The message: Don't each chocolate before Christmas or you'll face something completely dark and horrible. I'm just glad that the baby is okay. I was worried about that.
Pretty dark for a Christmas story. That said, this story does not set itself apart from similar ones. How you’d do that, I don’t know, but get creative. Because not only is this bleak, it’s pedestrian and that’s something you definitely don’t want. Little Izzy’s transgressions certainly do not match her punishment, so that might be something to start with.
This was almost amazing for me. Trust me, I was on board and I usually really like the idea of a nasty left turn! This turn however just didn't seem to fit thematically/ logically.
The writing was great, great pace and action. The family members each lose what is most dear to them if they're bad, that's awesome! Dylan - Dummy Izzy - Doll House Dad - PS5 Mom - Izzy?
First of all, why did Dylan and Mom lose anything? Dad was kind of annoying I guess, but even he shouldn't have been punished, right? My other problem with that set-up is that Izzy's death is technically double punishment for everyone involved. The parents would already be "punished" if the doll house went missing, they'd feel bad for Izzy and probably feel like they screwed up Christmas. It's a tough nut to crack, because the shock of Izzy's death is surprising and enjoyable in a macabre way. To water-down that ending with a goofy Willy Wonka-esque punishment probably isn't the solution either. Most importantly, the "time" has to fit the "crime".
Perhaps Izzy could be given clear warnings? She bites into the chocolate when she shouldn't, and it turns to coal/worms/ whatever. Later when she makes the leap to open the bigger presents her punishment feels more justified? I used to watch Yu-gi-oh as a kid, and a character in that show had the power to make people go insane. What if Izzy loses her mind when she opens the doll house a day early? She thinks she is in the doll house and that the Elf is chasing her.
There could be a better story "puzzle piece" out there, who knows. It's definitely divisive in its current iteration, and maybe that's the goal. Anyway, this was definitely one of my favorites. Good stuff!
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All I Want For Christmas - OWC
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