Antiqued by Buttercup - A young woman seeks out a gift for her grandmother in an antique store.  Short, Horror

Hey writer!

Ooooohhhh, you forgot the “Fade In:”, considered an OWC criminal act by some round these parts...not me though.

Nice twist on the whole magic ornament thing, quite liked that. It was like the anti-John Lewis ad this story (one for the Brits). I could have done with a smidge more charm between the oldies, Sigi seemed a bit 1 dimensional and we could have dug around her background to flesh out her character. Also, the way a writer crafts description chunks is always an individual thing, but I found this style detracted from the read with their short nature, kinda screwed up the pacing.

I’m being over critical as it’s an old head here, the story worked though and that was the main thing. I think it’s a goodie, and could be made exceptional.

P.S. this review was brought to you by Radiohead, how bloody Christmassy

Well written and nails the requirements.

Key issue for me was this.

Here - we see

Quoted Text It has a pulsing blue star at the very top and looks to be decorated with hundreds of small ornaments

Given us the impression that they are just regular ornaments.

And then:

Quoted Text She inspects the human ornaments more closely. They all are unique, very detailed, and attached to the tree by hook.

Human comes out of nowhere - you really need to spend a little time describing these things.  It took me a couple of passes trying to figure out what I was looking at.

Otherwise - nice job.

I liked this one but think it needs a little work.

'Humans' just seems an odd way to describe ornaments of people, I initially thought it was an intentional clue to say Sigi was an alien or something.

The end probably needs more foreshadowing as it comes a little from left field, maybe one of the store's rules could allude to it, e.g. Break anything and you have to help out in store.

Anyway, I enjoyed it.

Sorry if I just reutter above statements. But anyway, me too, initially had trouble visualizing the human ornament, a minor hiccup, but I caught on rather nicely.  So I luv the idea behind it. Other than that, I think this is good stuff. It definitely roped me in (and that's not easy to do). No nits that I care to pick.  Then again, as I'm starting to figure out in this thread, there's every chance I might just be batshit crazy. Best of luck with it. -A

Enjoyed the creepy spirit of this one. I wrote a script a few years ago about an antique store purchase that got weird, so I definitely appreciate the idea. I think all the pieces are in place, but I have two recommendations.

First of all, the term "human ornaments" needs to be clarified. I'm not sure what it is. If it is a miniature person, that should be clarified. Give us a few details about these human ornaments. How are they clothed? Do they have human-like hair. What are there expressions? It would be horrifying, for instance, if the ornaments all looked haunted or frightened. I presume these are all former customers who have been transformed, so they might all have some degree of horror or shock on their tiny faces. More details of Sigi's ornament appearance might help to raise the shock at the end.

Also, the store rules are important to the story, but the rules on the wall and the three strikes you're out warnings telegraph what's to come a little too much. Make this a little more subtle.

Overall, a fun, creepy script.

Alright. My third, bloody hell!

You don't have to do much in the way of bad deeds to get sucked into the Christmas vortex of hell around here.  

I do think bad characters need to be established as evil to get their come-uppance.
Sigi is 'mean looking' and quite obviously a killjoy at Christmas, but maybe paint us a more vivid picture of meanness so she gets her just desserts?

Okay, I get this is horror but the motive could do with establishing in any horror tale too.
Marie and  Sean could just be psychotic fruitcakes I suppose... Antique collectors?

Should I mention elaborating description re human ornaments?
Kidding. You've had that one drummed in already.

I think this could be great with just a little bit more...
Nice job.

Not so much horror, more of a fantasy Twilight Zone Vibe.

Easy to follow. The problem for me is the ending is telegraphed. As soon as the audience sees these highly detailed human ornaments they are going to figure out that they are humans who have been turned into ornaments. So when the owner locks the door and tells Sigil to look at the light, we all know what's going to happen. Plus the name of the script gives it away as well.

It's a bit extreme. If these ornaments are so easily broken and require a human sacrifice to make each one, why have the tree out in the store where customers can easily bump into them?

-Mark

I think this was a bit of a rush job, maybe? I think too that if you made good use of another page and a half, it could be one of the better entries. I really quite liked this since I didn't see that it was in the horror genre and it took me by surprise. Not very horrific, but a fun turn of events. Logic aside, a fun story that has potential.

Nicely done, writer. Revisit this as it has some promise.

No FADE IN or FADE OUT?  Why?

"is kneeled down" - Really?

"human ornaments" - WTF?  What is this supposed to mean?

OK, the writing ain't good here at all, and it literally ruins your script.  If anything at all, you MUST be able to describe what we're supposed to see, and if you can't, it's a failure, pure and simple.

I actually like the back and forth between Marie and Sean, but everything else doesn't work as written, which is too bad, as this could be interesting.

**

Writer,

Nice attempt, but it misses. Although written pretty well and easy to picture, the story doesn’t really grab me. It seems like it’s something we’ve seen before and has nothing new to offer. That said, structure wise you’re almost there, but you just need a story with some more twists and turns. Something we don’t see coming.

Steve

Jeez, another horror? Where are the festive scripts lol

What's up, Buttercup?

You lose the active voice on a number of occasions.
"Sigi starts browsing" - "Sigi Browses"
" is kneeled down rearranging items on the lower shelving." - "rearranges items on a lower shelf"
"It has a pulsing blue star at the very top" - "A blue star pulses..."

Quoted Text She moves along down an aisle towards the tree. Nothing she sees really stands out.

Not a fan of the writing in this, it's not visual and vivid enough and isn't pulling me into the world. "Nothing stands out" can't be filmed, but showing her looking at the tat, inspecting, disgusted or appalled by them, something... I want visuals.

"the human ornaments" - This is an issue I see often, the use of "the" implies this object has already been introduced, but it hasn't "a HUMAN ORNAMENT" - also describe it better as it is important to the story.

The story isn't bad I suppose, not my kind of thing as there doesn't seem to be much of a point - I like a bit of rhyme and reason with my stories, why are they doing this and whats this magic star all about?

Happy holidays