Bad Elf by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as Santa's Little Killer - Short, Horror - A family preparing to celebrate Christmas are tested by a scout elf to see who goes on the naughty list. - pdf format

Errrrrrrrrrrrrr...hi writer!!

So, I’ll state straight off I’m not a fan of horrory slashy stabby stuff, but I’ll try to judge it as if I was reading any genre.

The poetry got me dude/dudette! Loved that, the VO drove it on and threaded the story beautifully. The requirements were met, couldn’t fault the writing, yeah it’s probably a goodie from a genre impartial perspective.

HOWEVER, as someone who doesn’t like the genre, can I just say I loved the first 4 pages, you didn’t need the last bit of cannibalism stuff!! If you had that as a stand-alone front 4 I’d have probably given you full marks!

Anyway, I did like it set against the parameters.

Cam

P.S. Skeggs were the wrong musicians to listen to during this read, shoulda been, well, I’ve no idea...Deftones?

A nice and dark little tale, it is Christmas after all!

Doll as an ornament, okay then, why not.

Not a massive fan of the Narrator, not sure it adds anything.

As it is we get 4 pages where we observe with the boy explaining, no dialogue from the family... this convention is then broken on pg 5... personal opinion is one or the other.

Some very good visuals with the Elf pranks, especially liked the Lemonade one.

Not entirely sure I got the ending.

Decent effort

I don’t think I fully understand this one. I couldn’t work out if the family could see the elf or not. The VO seemed to suggest the elf was trying to find out who was naughty but then why was the elf causing trouble? I think I’ve likely missed something.

It’s well written and I like the final image of the elves eating the Dad but because I didn’t understand the rules of this world I was left feeling confused.

Writer,

Pretty good. I enjoyed this easy to follow, cautionary tale of a story. Writing was assured. Should be easy to film. Those ornaments were enchanted alright! The only thing that turned me off slightly is that, tonally, it was bleak, although I've a feeling this is just the way this particular writer likes to write. Nothing really popped off the page, and the characters, when we see them, haven't much flair. Still, very good effort.

Steve

This type of story has been done to death but I did like the rhyming dialogue. Otherwise, this is very easily forgotten.

I liked this one!

Dad got what he deserved in the end. I'm glad, because the whole time I was reading I really disliked the dad and was thinking he was a bully and an ass.

Your writing was great and I liked how you used words that described crude things without using any crude words. The pranks were imaginative and fun. The only thing I did not like was the rotten baby bird. Wished you had used something that was funny instead of sad.

Anyway, great job!  

I really enjoyed this one. The way the tone of the voice over contrasted the events as they escalated later in the story was cool. I know it was a young boy narrating, but I personally imagined Jimmy Durante or someone like that narrating a horror story with the same warmth in his voice as in Frosty the Snowman.

There were two things, though -- at the beginning, it almost felt like you made a mistake with the voice over. It sounded like a young boy speaking to his mother or something -- you have young boy asking a question and then have him answer his own question. Turns out it wasn't a mistake though. Might consider rewording the question to make it sound like he's speaking to an audience rather than asking a grown up a sincere question.

Also, not sure why the kids and the mother turned into elves. Nevertheless, Dad was an asshole, so I guess he had what was coming to him -- in the realm of a horror story lol. Probably a little excessive in real life lol. Made me feel all warm inside at the end.

Nice work! Really enjoyed this!

-- Michael

More Elf on the Shelf! I'm surprised the Elf that plays ticks turned evil hasn't been turned into a horror movie franchise by now.

Anyway, this one was easy enough to read and I enjoyed the tricks and escalation. The one line of dialogue seems odd, but only when I realised there wasn't any other dialogue apart from the VO.

Parameters met, well done for entering.

-Mark

Quoted Text A family add the finishing touches to an extravagant array of festive decorations.

Adds

Love this:

Quoted Text BIANCA(12) sits in the corner, her face smeared in chocolate. On her lap, an advent calendar with all the windows open.

Confused here:

Quoted Text Dad marches mother down the path, elf in hand. He points at the garbage can. She tosses it inside.

It? Did she have the bird with her? Cause Dad had the elf.

Not sure about the choice of a YOUNG BOY for the VO - somehow given the topic a BURL IVES or a VINCET PRICE type voice would have worked better - for me anyway.

Parameters met,

Not at all my type of story - but again - that's me. THought you did a good job.

Hello Writer

Another horror... I wanted to feel all Christmassy. Never mind.

a spying elf, I'm getting dejavu

Quoted Text Dad is not amused. He barks an order.

Why isn't the order he barked in dialogue?

Quoted Text Over a dozen elves lie face-down across his body as if feasting on his wounds. The elves tremble.

Can't help but think that on-screen this would be a bit corny.

I was on board with this up until the point the family randomly turn into elves and stab their dad, it came out of nowhere, makes no sense to the story and was a let down.

When the box of elves turned up, I thought this was going in an Alfred Hitchcock "Birds" kind of direction, which would have been cool... but it turned into silly slasher horror.

I found the elf's shenanigans to be funny, melting the ice and pissing into a cup.

The writing itself felt a bit uninspired like I was reading a shopping list rather than a story.

Well done on getting in an entry

Happy Holidays

This wasn't really my bag. It got monotonous and I was looking forward to an end. With the voiceover poetry (a positive), it was odd to have one line of Dad's dialogue that contributed nothing. The Dad was the true asshole but the elves took it out on the whole family? Hmmm...

Good luck, writer.

Did the elves turn the family into some type of murdering zombie? What is the purpose of all that?  How are they placed on the naughty list when they are all dead? I'm assuming that once the father wakes up (assuming he does wake up) that h will stop being an ass?

Despite that this was an okay story, it worked for me anyways. I liked the V.O's throughout the script.

Well... this sounds like a tasty-sweet project for Selective Entertainment. That's my take on this,  anywaz.  I liked this, I just didn’t luv it. And although I like voice-over on screen, I usually don't like reading them on the page but I got through yours here.  Not sure the Dad's one-liner was needed. Maybe consider dropping that bit of dialogue.  Or, ignore me. That's an option too. Hope it helpful, voodoo doll me if it isn't. Best of Irish luck! -ghostie girl.

The concept of a family transformed into elfish creatures is disturbing, so nice work on that.

A small point that I liked: the daughter eating all the chocolates in the advent calendar. Funny.

I'm not sure the narration connected completely with the action. The narrator tells us that an elf scrutinizes us and judges our behavior. But the family's behavior really isn't that outlandish. After all, isn't the dad within his rights to be upset at the pranks. Was he supposed to laugh off the "pee" in the cups?

I wonder how this would work as a non-dialogue script. Without the narration, it is basically non-dialogue.

Wow, another macabre little entry... Not exactly my thing, and the pee aka lemonade, and the bird were a bit offputting, but well done, regardless.

I was not on the ball with the V.O. I found it a bit discombobulating, especially at first.
I tend to agree that it should come in the former of a sinister Narrator (like Dave said.)

Iinventive for sure.
Good job.

People didn't love this but they didn't hate it either, which overall I'm happy about.

My first draft had no dialogue at all or VO and it just felt empty. I added dialogue but all the characters where saying obvious stuff like, "Who is responsible for these elf pranks?" so I added the VO to make it sound like a kid reciting a Christmas carol which seemed to work. I left one line of dialogue in which didn't work at all.

As for the ending, well all the family has been naughty in their own way, it's just dad is the most obvious naughty one. So they all get turned into elves and become a fun, elf family. Not obvious I know, but I wanted an ending that wasn't obvious and made people think.

Thanks for the comments, as always they point me in the direction of writing a much better draft for competitions!