The Gift of Giving by John E Staats (JEStaats) writing as Chuck Dickens - Short, Drama - An elderly man and his dog enjoy another memorable Christmas Eve. - pdf format

Well written, evocative atmosphere created too.

The story is nicely paced and whilst I could see where it was going I still liked and appreciated it.

The two slight issues I had were that the evening visit seemed to only serve the script and that the ornament felt quite secondary.

But I enjoyed, good job.

I really liked this. It’s well written and the dialogue and action had a nice flow.
Even though it’s a bit of a cliché ending, I didn’t see it coming and it had an emotional payoff.

I think you tapped into a real Christmas fable about loneliness around the holidays.

Got to the old heartstrings this one but I had to read it twice. The 'gift of memory' ornament needs to be focused on just a little bit more imho. Just a bit.

A nice sentimental tale that would make a good short.
Just don't be half asleep like I was when reading the first time or you might get mixed up between fantasy and reality, like I confess I was.

This is written ok but I had to read twice to learn what was happening lol
A few queries:

What was the significance of the ornament being from Romania? I thought maybe Charley was from there originally but he wasn’t as it wasn’t mentioned;
The ornament itself wasn’t magical;
We knew the weather was shit and the visit was brief but they were there for like two minutes before leaving again;
Did Charley follow them home in his car incase their car broke down or got stuck in the snow?

Maybe I missed something in this one or it’s been a long day and I’m exhausted lol

My take was they weren't there at all, Stevie. At the conclusion there is no snow, everything's different.

The memory gift ornament enabled the old man to relive a Christmas past when his wife was alive.
And with all the talk about driving carefully and snow that perhaps the family were no longer.

Hey writer,

Soooooooo. The initial descriptions of the setting were perfect, really loved them and it pulled me in. The main issue for me is that what happens next is essentially a lot of back and forward, which I do understand is required for the pay off in the end.

It’s a real tricky one. You need to keep the thing entertaining, whilst also having the turn that it’s the simple memories that he is missing. So essentially the inane is what is key for the old dude, but annoyingly the inane is not necessarily what the reader wants to be devouring.

I’m torn. It was very well written, but I’m not sure it left as big a punch as it could have, simply because I didn’t really care about the fairly standard family Christmas setup.

Good idea but needs definite tweaks IMO.

Cheers,

Cam

Quoted from LC My take was they weren't there at all, Stevie. At the conclusion there is no snow, everything's different. The memory gift ornament enabled the old man to relive a Christmas past when his wife was alive. And with all the talk about driving carefully and snow that perhaps the family were no longer.

Really? I’ll have to read it a third time. Seems very Tenet like lol

Hmm, I did miss the line how it stopped snowing and had never snowed.  Still doesn’t make me twig   Oh well lol

I liked this but it does need work. An ending that really hits the heartstrings but you spend so long setting everything up that you dont' have time to focus on the important elements. The family arrive and then immediately have to leave, which feels weird. I can't understand why Charley then has to follow Bill home in the car?

I presume they all died on the way home as well, apart from Charely of course? If so, why would he relive that night?

The crystal ball is thrown in, almost literally, simply because you don't have room in the script for anything else.

There's a great idea here, just needs tweaking. Great effort.

-Mark

Well, that was morbid.

Hello Writer

The writing was very good. Characterisations, dialogue, descriptions, the whole shebang came together nicely and I got lost in the reading and felt as if I was there with them.

The snap back to reality was good, the dog suddenly acting old and the disappearance of snow. The family moments were nice, built the characters and their relationships and showed us what he was missing - But I found those scenes to be a tad long and slightly dull. It was a perfect flashback, I would have maybe intercut it with glimpses back to reality, to give us a bit of "What's really going on here?" and then when we are smacked with the realisation we go "Ooooooh, that's what was happening!" - Just felt like it missed a bit.

Very nice though

Best of luck and happy holidays

Bungalow?  Huh?  Where is this taking place, I wonder?

All in all, this is very good and very touching.

Writing needs some work here and there, and may be why some peeps aren't going to get this, which is too bad.

I also think the 6 page limit hurt this, as you really need a bit more here and there to make it more clear.

But, your story hits home and totally works in what I think you set out to do.  And that, is an accomplishment.

Well done.

****

Quoted Text CHARLEY Come in, come in. We weren't sure you were going to make it, with the storm and all.

??? When we open, it is a bright clear sky. No storm.

The timing is odd. They all show up – but apparently only for a hot minute.  And why stop by at all to say we have to go – just out of sync.

I enjoyed the writing - but I'm lost - is this his imagination or is it real??

The ornament seems to be a a bit of a throw in - doesn't really have anything to do with the story.

Quoted from eldave1 ??? When we open, it is a bright clear sky. No storm. The timing is odd. They all show up – but apparently only for a hot minute.  And why stop by at all to say we have to go – just out of sync. I enjoyed the writing - but I'm lost - is this his imagination or is it real?? The ornament seems to be a a bit of a throw in - doesn't really have anything to do with the story.

Dave, this is the 2nd review I've read of yours where you completely seem to miss what's going on, and I'm actually very surprised.

This could definitely be benefited by stronger writing, but all the clues you need are on the page.

Quoted from Dreamscale Dave, this is the 2nd review I've read of yours where you completely seem to miss what's going on, and I'm actually very surprised. This could definitely be benefited by stronger writing, but all the clues you need are on the page.

I just came back by accident to this thread (meant to hit another link) - glad I did.

So I re-read - you know, you're right - there are enough clues there - I am upgrading my score on this one. Thanks for pointing out my error,

To Writer:

Second read - (see above) - much better impression from me and as a result a better score.   I still think you can get rid of the quick visit aspect - it's a memory - so it means that it happened - it probably didn't happen in a fashion of in and out that quickly.  

Nice job.

Quoted from eldave1 I still think you can get rid of the quick visit aspect - it's a memory - so it means that it happened - it probably didn't happen in a fashion of in and out that quickly.   Nice job.

I agree with Dave.  The aspect of the visit being so brief may be throwing peeps off, as it just doesn't make sense.