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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    December 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  The Gift of Giving - OWC
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  Author    The Gift of Giving - OWC  (currently 1140 views)
Don
Posted: December 19th, 2020, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Gift of Giving by John E Staats (JEStaats) writing as Chuck Dickens - Short, Drama - An elderly man and his dog enjoy another memorable Christmas Eve. - pdf format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 10th, 2021, 11:02am
revised draft
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 19th, 2020, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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Well written, evocative atmosphere created too.

The story is nicely paced and whilst I could see where it was going I still liked and appreciated it.

The two slight issues I had were that the evening visit seemed to only serve the script and that the ornament felt quite secondary.

But I enjoyed, good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Sam
Posted: December 19th, 2020, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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I really liked this. It’s well written and the dialogue and action had a nice flow.
Even though it’s a bit of a cliché ending, I didn’t see it coming and it had an emotional payoff.

I think you tapped into a real Christmas fable about loneliness around the holidays.


Email - samuellees@yahoo.co.uk
My script The Reachable Moon - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-family/m-1517759624/

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LC
Posted: December 19th, 2020, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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Got to the old heartstrings this one but I had to read it twice. The 'gift of memory' ornament needs to be focused on just a little bit more imho. Just a bit.

A nice sentimental tale that would make a good short.
Just don't be half asleep like I was when reading the first time or you might get mixed up between fantasy and reality, like I confess I was.


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stevie
Posted: December 20th, 2020, 4:54am Report to Moderator
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This is written ok but I had to read twice to learn what was happening lol
A few queries:

What was the significance of the ornament being from Romania? I thought maybe Charley was from there originally but he wasn’t as it wasn’t mentioned;
The ornament itself wasn’t magical;
We knew the weather was shit and the visit was brief but they were there for like two minutes before leaving again;
Did Charley follow them home in his car incase their car broke down or got stuck in the snow?

Maybe I missed something in this one or it’s been a long day and I’m exhausted lol



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LC
Posted: December 20th, 2020, 6:22am Report to Moderator
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My take was they weren't there at all, Stevie. At the conclusion there is no snow, everything's different.

The memory gift ornament enabled the old man to relive a Christmas past when his wife was alive.
And with all the talk about driving carefully and snow that perhaps the family were no longer.


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Cameron
Posted: December 20th, 2020, 6:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

Soooooooo. The initial descriptions of the setting were perfect, really loved them and it pulled me in. The main issue for me is that what happens next is essentially a lot of back and forward, which I do understand is required for the pay off in the end.

It’s a real tricky one. You need to keep the thing entertaining, whilst also having the turn that it’s the simple memories that he is missing. So essentially the inane is what is key for the old dude, but annoyingly the inane is not necessarily what the reader wants to be devouring.

I’m torn. It was very well written, but I’m not sure it left as big a punch as it could have, simply because I didn’t really care about the fairly standard family Christmas setup.

Good idea but needs definite tweaks IMO.

Cheers,

Cam
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stevie
Posted: December 20th, 2020, 6:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
My take was they weren't there at all, Stevie. At the conclusion there is no snow, everything's different.

The memory gift ornament enabled the old man to relive a Christmas past when his wife was alive.
And with all the talk about driving carefully and snow that perhaps the family were no longer.


Really? I’ll have to read it a third time. Seems very Tenet like lol

Hmm, I did miss the line how it stopped snowing and had never snowed.  Still doesn’t make me twig   Oh well lol



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: December 21st, 2020, 5:19am Report to Moderator
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I liked this but it does need work. An ending that really hits the heartstrings but you spend so long setting everything up that you dont' have time to focus on the important elements. The family arrive and then immediately have to leave, which feels weird. I can't understand why Charley then has to follow Bill home in the car?

I presume they all died on the way home as well, apart from Charely of course? If so, why would he relive that night?

The crystal ball is thrown in, almost literally, simply because you don't have room in the script for anything else.

There's a great idea here, just needs tweaking. Great effort.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: December 21st, 2020, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that was morbid.

Hello Writer

The writing was very good. Characterisations, dialogue, descriptions, the whole shebang came together nicely and I got lost in the reading and felt as if I was there with them.

The snap back to reality was good, the dog suddenly acting old and the disappearance of snow. The family moments were nice, built the characters and their relationships and showed us what he was missing - But I found those scenes to be a tad long and slightly dull. It was a perfect flashback, I would have maybe intercut it with glimpses back to reality, to give us a bit of "What's really going on here?" and then when we are smacked with the realisation we go "Ooooooh, that's what was happening!" - Just felt like it missed a bit.

Very nice though

Best of luck and happy holidays


Feature

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Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 21st, 2020, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Bungalow?  Huh?  Where is this taking place, I wonder?

All in all, this is very good and very touching.

Writing needs some work here and there, and may be why some peeps aren't going to get this, which is too bad.

I also think the 6 page limit hurt this, as you really need a bit more here and there to make it more clear.

But, your story hits home and totally works in what I think you set out to do.  And that, is an accomplishment.

Well done.

****
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eldave1
Posted: December 21st, 2020, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
CHARLEY

Come in, come in. We weren't sure you were going to make it, with the storm and all.


??? When we open, it is a bright clear sky. No storm.

The timing is odd. They all show up – but apparently only for a hot minute.  And why stop by at all to say we have to go – just out of sync.

I enjoyed the writing - but I'm lost - is this his imagination or is it real??

The ornament seems to be a a bit of a throw in - doesn't really have anything to do with the story.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 21st, 2020, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


??? When we open, it is a bright clear sky. No storm.

The timing is odd. They all show up – but apparently only for a hot minute.  And why stop by at all to say we have to go – just out of sync.

I enjoyed the writing - but I'm lost - is this his imagination or is it real??

The ornament seems to be a a bit of a throw in - doesn't really have anything to do with the story.



Dave, this is the 2nd review I've read of yours where you completely seem to miss what's going on, and I'm actually very surprised.

This could definitely be benefited by stronger writing, but all the clues you need are on the page.

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eldave1
Posted: December 21st, 2020, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Dave, this is the 2nd review I've read of yours where you completely seem to miss what's going on, and I'm actually very surprised.

This could definitely be benefited by stronger writing, but all the clues you need are on the page.



I just came back by accident to this thread (meant to hit another link) - glad I did.

So I re-read - you know, you're right - there are enough clues there - I am upgrading my score on this one. Thanks for pointing out my error,

To Writer:

Second read - (see above) - much better impression from me and as a result a better score.   I still think you can get rid of the quick visit aspect - it's a memory - so it means that it happened - it probably didn't happen in a fashion of in and out that quickly.  

Nice job.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 21st, 2020, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


I still think you can get rid of the quick visit aspect - it's a memory - so it means that it happened - it probably didn't happen in a fashion of in and out that quickly.  

Nice job.


I agree with Dave.  The aspect of the visit being so brief may be throwing peeps off, as it just doesn't make sense.

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eldave1
Posted: December 21st, 2020, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


I agree with Dave.  The aspect of the visit being so brief may be throwing peeps off, as it just doesn't make sense.



Jeff, PM me the name of the other one you think I missed the point on. I want to double check


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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JEStaats
Posted: December 22nd, 2020, 10:07am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Wow, that released the feels and twanged the old heartstrings. I'm guessing that Charley doesn't have a choice in what memory he gets to relive as that was the night he was given the ornament? I wonder how many years it has been. Like Jeff said, all the clues are there. You don't want to skim this one.

I think another page or two to flesh out the short visit might do this well. No real complaints, writer.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: December 23rd, 2020, 7:10pm Report to Moderator
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There's a mournful quality here that I think is good. The emotional connection to Charley is immediate, The pacing was good. No problems there. At the same time, It almost felt like a "self-service" script. You've got to fill in the blanks yourself. I hate assuming, but did the family die? For my money, they’re dead. I’ll assume so. Shrug, maybe I'm trying to be too sensible, applying logic to whimsy. In which case, ignore me. I did like it. Best of Irish luck!-ghostie girl.


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Rob
Posted: December 23rd, 2020, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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I fall into the group that was confused by this.

A breakdown came for me with the following line: Bill: "Okay, so, I hate to say it but
you're going to have to follow us in your car back to our house."

Why does Bill need someone to follow him home? If the weather is bad, why put a second driver in danger? I live in a cold-weather city and I have never once heard a request like this.

If all of this is a memory, why would this memory be important?

It seems like the old guy is just remembering things via his ornament. Nobody is really there.

Not clever enough to get it.
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LC
Posted: December 23rd, 2020, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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I think they died in the accident and the ornament allows him to relive moments when his wife and family were alive etc.

Perhaps in that regard there should be a scene with them all around the table on Christmas Day, and then they all disappear into thin air.

I think it's a sound idea in that regard but it does need more clarity.  The sentiment and vibe was lovely...
Definitely reboot after the challenge.

And no, it isn't mine btw.


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SAC
Posted: December 25th, 2020, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Writer,

I think I got what you were trying to do here, but I wasn’t sure if I was. So, I decided to go back and check. Then I decided not to because, as a rule, if I need to go back and check then, likely, something in your story, or the way you told it, was off. Early passages were a bit long, making the first page a bit long. You can cut that stuff down and leave some to the reader’s imagination.

If the story is what I think, that Charley might have been losing his memory or something, I like that premise. Just the execution wasn’t good. Good effort!

Steve


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JEStaats
Posted: December 29th, 2020, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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My wife always tells our daughter when she reads and takes a test "Don't skip words. Don't add words. It'll all make sense." So, most peeps 'got it' and some needed a little encouragement to read it again (thanks Libby and Jeff!). I wasn't trying to make it a difficult story. I really didn't want to make it so OTN so there would be an 'Ah ha' moment.

The enchantment was to remember the joy of giving and receiving the gift. It just so happens that the moment happened to be before his family pass in a car accident (yes, it was up to the reader/viewer to figure that out). I could have written more exposition to explain that it only recurs annually and for only a certain amount of time but that would ruin it.

- Why the short visit? They stopped by just to pick them up and take them to their house for the holiday. I could have made that more clear.
- Why did Charley have to drive? I meant to add that they went shopping and the car was too full for everyone and the dog. Hence, Charley had to drive separately. My bad, I ran out of pages.
- Why Romania? Why not? The old country full of mythos and gypsies. IDK.
- Maybe next year? Charley can hope to join them one day....

I'm going to work on this a bit. It's a shoe-string, one location, and small cast short that could work.

Thanks again for the kind words and suggestions. A special thanks to Libby for, once again, coming to the rescue for the story's side to help explain what peeps missed. This is like the third or fourth time in a row!

Happy New Year, everyone!
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