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This was well written. The characters were well thought out and the action description was very assured.
Only mistake I think was: 'Ophilia shudders and makes arcane gestures to ward herself.' ward should be warm?
This was like a tale of morality, with the motel being symbolic of purgatory where damned souls come to check in and make a choice, one last shot at redemption.
I felt for Father James the most. He seemed world weary and in need of that rest. The interaction between Father James and Edward was good, but this story line was the one which needed to be expanded.
I found this very entertaining and, from reading previous comments, this may be just me, but I loved this. I dug it. It's my kind of thing. IMO, best one so far. Congrats and good luck.
Nice visuals in this one. Loved the scissors and the red nail polish.
Pretty good entry, nice job having the characters chose between good and evil. I liked Ophilia and how the tables turn on her in the end.
I think three individual stories did make the script suffer a bit, though. Had you focused on one for twelve pages, I think this would've been a bit more ominous. Anyway, probably the best effort I've read thus far.
I'm not going to repeat everything already stated here, but I am in total agreement with the others.
Good writing by a good writer.
Let's focus on something positive.
This is too crammed for a short, but it is perfect for a web series.
Your motel is the star. Each episode features a tale similar to the three in your short. But just one tale per ten minute episode, please. A guest checks into the motel with "baggage" (I'm so good) that they resolve when they enter their special room. The constant character is the Manager with his ledger. You can lose Ophilia, or you might keep her for comedy relief. Sort of like Tattoo on Fantasy Island.
Go ahead, run with it. I think it would be awesome.
This was well-written, slightly overwritten at times.
So Father James shows up and the manager immediately takes him into another room for an exorcism? This could work, but the way it plays out here isn't very realistic or natural.
Okay, I was lost once Amelia showed up. From the other comments, I'm guessing you're doing some sort of three-story thing, but I'm still pretty confused.
Some nice elements in this. Good visuals.
Overall this was good. Nice work completing the OWC.
This could be very interesting but too many characters spoil it. Also i dont see who this story is really about - looks like its about -Amelia and her son, Ryan, but she appears only on page 6.
I think when you introduce a character this late we should know about his/ her presence and his/her role early on and expect this character to show up.
I dont think you need manager or Ophilia at all. I also dont understand why its happening in a motel, i know its a requirement but doesnt fit our story. Could be a hospice perhaps?
Page 1. Love the beginning description with no vacancy whether they vacancy dies and the only word left is no.
Page 2. Good going so far. I enjoy the dialogue and kudos for adding interesting characters!
Page 3. You have me intrigued with the old man on the bed. Good work because so far, you have had something interesting happening on every page. Keep that going and I will be happy.
You even have order the cliffhanger at the end of the page. Very good. Makes me want to turn to the next page. Or at least scroll down to the next page.
Page 5. Not so sure I'm fond of father James jumping up on the bed and stabbing Edward.
Very good dialogue though.
Page 8. Love would you did with Amelia in the motel room. Creepy.
Page 9. Again you have added a cliffhanger at the end of the page. Very good. I am hooked!
Okay, finished. This is now my favorite, I think. I have read 6 now and 2 of them I really really liked. Excellent work. Be proud of yourself. Congratulations!
Seems like I share the sentiment that most others had. There was too much story in this story. You could have easily had two separate ones: the first half and the second half as their own stories. Because of that, none became fully realized and it felt very average because there was nothing exceptional.
The writing here is very good and you created an interesting vibe and atmosphere at the motel. I was into each character's personal story but in the end my biggest question is, what is the purpose of the motel? A place where the dead get their revenge? But that wouldn't make sense for Father James. So I was left very confused.
You defintely grabbed my attention though. Nice work for a difficult OWC.
I want to like this one as it was well written but I have little clue as to the story. I'm guessing the manager is some sort of soul catcher and the motel his tool. Is he bring the guilty to face their past? I don't really know, just clutching at straws.
Nice idea but needs to be more clear. I also had an issue with room numbers, as I pictured a small motel but with room number 1128 it must be huge.
Not the best but by no means the worst I've read so far.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
I want to start by saying that I really like the title - good one.
This one has a lot going for it. Having it split up into three individual stories was a bold choice as you're losing some character depth and it does make it tad confusing as an overall piece. I couldn't find a link between the three stories in anyway and if you can figure out a way to make them all connect like a fine jigsaw then you're really have something great here.
In saying that, although not quite great yet, this is a pretty damn good story and quite clever if you ask me. This motel plays on people's worst fears, right? The priest unable to stop the demon, a woman who killed her son accidentally? Ophilia and her lover/husband I'm guessing who she put a hex on after he died.
The first two little stories were well executed with solid decisions for the characters to make, if there is a let-down, it would be Ophilia's story because I wasn't quite sure what decision she made? But I did happen to like the "old bat" even if I was wondering why was she there in the first place if she knows this stuff?
So the motel plays on their fears and gives them a decision to make and it's what they choose which decides whether they live or die but who's doing it - I guess the obvious answer would be the devil but I'll leave you to inform me of that one.
Honestly, the more I think about this one, the more I'm liking it. Little things like the motel room number "1128" which immediately struck me as odd but it's reference to Amelia's old house, the location of her traumatic past, which was nice and subtly done.
The characters were pretty decent as well, obviously didn't get a lot of time develop but all were handled with care and had enough about them for me.
Like I say, If you could tie all these characters together somehow and deliver it at the end as some kind of twist then this story would really pack a punch, IMO.
A great story overall though and I liked how clever it was and where you've taken this on the theme and restrictions that were set, even if it did seem to break the MICRO budget... kudos!
I would also quickly recommend changing this to a hotel after the challenge... just feel that would more of an eerie feel about it.
Now onto the writing which I also liked, great visuals here for sure.
I am just going to just a few nitpicks out because it can't all be good news, right.
The repeating of the slugs did bother me in the opening like "A run-down motel" and "The motel lobby" I knew this already from the scene heading so it was unnecessary. And don't tell me it's a run-down motel - show me!
A few times this was overwritten, the description of the child's room in room 1128 a prime example.
The use of "continuous" was wrong sometimes, IMO. There is one scene where they're standing outside the room but haven't opened the door yet but when we move into the continuous scene inside, they're already there?
And not giving Amelia any description was strange and not consistent for me, just a little visual would have helped here.
Little things on what is a great little piece of writing and storytelling for a week's worth. I think you've earned yourself a good pat on the back with this one. It's among my top picks at the moment and I have to be honest, I could be swayed to vote for this - I'm impressed!
This was certainly well written, with interesting characters and good dialogue, but I didn't really like it. I think this was just simply because there was too much going on. You had three separate stories happening and it all got a little muddled.
If you had just picked one of the stories and concentrated on fleshing it out, it would have been much better. As it is, we kinda get parts of each story, buy not enough to really connect or care for any of the characters.
If the stories had been connected in some way this may have worked better. But as it is, three separate stories in 12 pages is just too much. It all felt too rushed, and the ending was weak.
I could see this working as a feature - a horror anthology with separate stories that take place within the motel, and the Manager as the kind of 'Crypt Keeper' character holding it all together. But it just doesn't work as a cohesive short.
Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel? Check.
Odd but interesting character(s)? Check. Too many interesting characters, unfortunately.
Choosing between good & evil to survive the night? Check. Just. Amelia has to choose whether to kill herself or not, but I don't remember much choice being on offer to either Ophelia or Father James.
Past supernatural event? Check.
Micro budget? Fail. I can't see this being filmed the way it is on a micro budget.
Agree with Jeff that the writing suggests you know what you're doing. Regards the clarity issue, it's surely a product of the time limit.
Just too many characters - too many cooks spoiling the broth and all that. You didn't have enough page count to cohesively fit in the Father and the two females. You lost tension as a consequence. I just never felt in the story. Strip it back and get to the nitty gritty.
The Ledger by - When travelers take refuge from a hurricane, they learn not all shelters are safe havens. Brief - Motel manager marks through three people in his ledger of issues.
Locations & Sets - Exterior, motel @ night. Interior, motel lobby @ night. Exterior, motel walkway x2 + room @ night. Interior, motel room @ night Actors - MANAGER (50), FATHER JAMES (2, OPHILIA (56), EDWARD (70), AMELIA (36), GEORGE (22) Costumes - dirty vestments + decidedly off-white collar for ruin, Edward’s soiled pajamas for ruin, Amelia’s outfit to ruin Props - leather case, knitted bag, sliding bureau, heavy silver crucifix + necklace, skin burn prosthetic, rosary beads, kitchen knife, stabbing knife into chest prosthetic/prop, liquid stage blood, leather-bound ledger, fountain pen, white towel, large umbrella, a child’s bedroom + toys, framed picture of boy baseball player, baseball, child silhouette cutout, large fabric scissors, red nail polish, voodoo wand, black dust Audio FX - finger drumming, door bursting open, room furniture, clothes, residence debris, man screams, wind and rain, scissors SNIP! Visual FX - burned skin smoke Other - hurricane wind and rain stock footage, lightning flash, night time exterior rain effect, set design for an upturned room, sliding bureau (or substitute) effect to block the door, makeup artist, blood spraying device, plastic drop sheet to protect surfaces, lightning inside of room lighting, jerk rig for framed picture + books + toys, allocation for wall damage, dresser drawer opening effect, nail polish on scissors effect. Genre & Marketability - Supernatural horror suspense Comments - Will delete the opening sign gag. Only the character’s age goes within the parenthesis. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. Delete the manager walking F.James along the walkway scene to save time/budget hassle. Allocate extra day to set design upturned room - not to mention the hassle of motel management approval. And additional ($$) crew to set up the child’s bedroom. Going to be difficult to cast a 70yo actor who can (safely) jump on the bed gleefully. Kitchen knife on the floor. Seriously? All these additional actors start to run up the production cost alongside the expense of shooting additional scenes outside and in. Okay, that pg8 room description is a budget buster. WTH are you thinking? flying frames and books and toys are all money flying out the door, too. Allocate for thrown scissors damage. Substitute for George to cigarette machine scene. Three little stories that don’t make one coherent whole story. Characters are neither odd nor interesting. No decisions at all, let alone between good or evil, or to survive the night. The budget is absolutely detonated. Script format: fair. Final word: disjointed story is beyond given criteria capabilities
$7,000 - $9,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / 11.6 Screenplay Pages = $603 - $776 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Odd but interesting character(s) - nope take refuge from a hurricane - yep in a beat-up motel - yep and are forced to make a choice - nope between good or evil - nope in order to survive the night. - nope Each character must - have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep that factors into their choice. - nope, no choices Genre is open. - Supernatural horror suspense This is a micro-budget short, - h3ll, no! so no destruction of the motel, - yep no children or animals - yep and minimal special effects. - yep BONUS! Story also included: mime(s) - nope dinosaur(s) - nope
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The Ledger - 10/12 OWC
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