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Not bad. I think the ending could've been WAY better though. The VO wasn't good dialogue to me....but I liked the story...found Cassandra and Nick the most interesting.
Didn't really get the whole tubs of icecream thing though.
Overall super good story with a lil work. Good job.
This started out slow, which is okay. You're setting us up for something. Take all the time you want, but you better make it good.
What?!
How could you set us up for a vampire slaughter and NOT show us the slaughter?
You could use 1940's special effects if you want to stay low budget, but please just don't turn out the light, make some cheesy sound effects with your mouth, turn the lights back on, and say "Well, that was easy."
Not really feeling this one. Not that I hated it, but there was so little that was special and we never really got to know much about the characters, or why they were dressed for the era they were. Maybe it was a generational thing?
The most character any character had was Ted who really loved his ice cream (which I don't know why you kept hyphenating). Anyway, it didn't really have a lot for me, but it was necessarily bad, either. It was just too streamlined.
Just finished reading this one. I am not sure what to make gold it to be honest. I did not see the vampire thing coming at all. I did not understand what Cassandra's tests were for. The tests were weird and if the others were vampires, what did the tests have to do with vampirism? Eating a tub of ice cream? Not just weird, but made no sense at all, at least not to me.
I also thought that the hurricane did not really have a part in this script at all. It was just there because that was one of the requirements.
In the and Cassandra says she actually liked the other characters. To me, that didn't really make sense either as I saw no signs of that earlier in the script.
My thoughts on this script is that it was not horrible or anything, but it sort of missed the mark for this OWC, IMHO. You did try to have interesting characters by having people from different time periods, however, in order to be an interesting character, they need more than just a certain look. It's an interesting character can look very plain and boring, but be very interesting because of what they do and say.
Not bad for a one week worth of work, but it needs a lot more and I am sure you can do that with the comments you will get from readers.
A strange set up with interesting characters but it failed to evolve in to a engaging story. The characters, although from different time periods seemed pretty normal and similar. I liked the idea of Vampires though. Not bad but not the best OWC entry.
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Well written, cinematic, good structure and an engaging read. Technically very strong.
The characters could have been interesting, but it was so forced they were just flashy cardboard cutouts. Cassandra was far too competent to be interesting, there was no conflict at all for her and no real challenge. That makes for a boring story, especially since no time was spent working on an emotional angle to leave us with something at the end. Everything was just too forced, the tests didn't make any sense, and the V.O. explanation was a big, nasty pill to swallow.
Loads of promise but failed to deliver. A good attempt but it needs a lot of work.
Missed on some of the challenges but it was still an entertaining story. An island at the beginning, probably a no no. I believe that its only supposed to be shot at a motel. Either way good job and congrats on wriitng the OWC.
Cassandra is kind of Dexter person, she has powers and fights the villains?
Her VO at the end contains exposition.
Island, boat, five characters - all this rings budget to me and I dont think you even need all this.
I didnt get why they were in a motel. Basement - why?
Your introduction of characters could be more memorable. Introducing all five on a dry is not a fun read.
I got the story, wish there was more of it - otherwise its five people talking about ice-cream (we are supposed to think they are after Cassandra) when she kills them all at the end.
You don't find out until the very end that Cassandra was dealing with vampires from different times? After she kills them? In a voice over? That's just weak story telling.
While confused, I was actually interested in where this was going. The mystery of the characters kept me going in this talking heads piece. And, when the time for action arrives, you don't even show it.
Sacred Acceptance by - {no logline} - Brief - I can just read this first page and tell this story neither fits within the budget nor adheres to the given criteria. Fail.
Locations & Sets - Actors - Costumes - Props - Audio FX - Visual FX - Other - Genre & Marketability - Comments -
$ - $ Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / Screenplay Pages = $ Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Odd but interesting character(s) - take refuge from a hurricane - in a beat-up motel - and are forced to make a choice - between good or evil - in order to survive the night. - Each character must - have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - that factors into their choice. - Genre is open. - This is a micro-budget short, - so no destruction of the motel, - no children or animals - and minimal special effects. - BONUS! Story also included: mime(s) - dinosaur(s) -
So this was kind of a comedy, or at least very light hearted. So the tasks were pretty random but certainly emphasised the groups odd personalities. The requirement of odd characters was certainly met, but there was little depth to them.
Dear Anonymous 5, I would insert a super at the beginning of the story, underneath the fade in and right before the first scene heading. Just as in the example below:
SUPER: "Somewhere in Romania."
And then after the sentence when, They run towards a small dilapidated mute, I would then insert a sign right before that sentence, just as the example below:
A red and white tin sign swings backwards and forward reads: "LIGHTHOUSE MOTEL."
Anonymous 5, From my view of your story, Is that it begins as a great classic and it ends as a shocking transforming conversion of paranormal heeding.
It reveils how a powerful hurricane can overtake a small island and wake up a sacred burial ground of unearthed spirits and vampires. I love the ending, Cassandra was spared, but she is no longer Cassandra. She is obsessed by the hurricane affect and the island ancient burial grounds.
Dear Anonymous 5, I would insert a super at the beginning of the story, underneath the fade in and right before the first scene heading. Just as in the example below:
SUPER: "Somewhere in Romania."
And then after the sentence when, They run towards a small dilapidated mute, I would then insert a sign right before that sentence, just as the example below:
A red and white tin sign swings backwards and forward reads: "LIGHTHOUSE MOTEL."
Anonymous 5, From my view of your story, Is that it begins as a great classic and it ends as a shocking transforming conversion of paranormal heeding.
It reveils how a powerful hurricane can overtake a small island and wake up a sacred burial ground of unearthed spirits and vampires. I love the ending, Cassandra was spared, but she is no longer Cassandra. She is obsessed by the hurricane affect and the island ancient burial grounds.
A great story of the twilight sega.
Darryl
I think your logline could be the following:
"5 boating vacationers take shelter on an island after avoiding an oncoming hurricane."
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Author
Sacred Acceptance - 10/12 OWC
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