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Not bad but the ending was pretty flat. There's only so much you can do in these eight pages.
I'll be the first to say this but the first page really hurts my eyes. It was a pain to get through but I thought you handled the rest of the script well...
The characters were very interesting but I wouldn't classify this as really low-budget. We'll wait for Ray's analysis on that though .
The twist was unexpected but a few more pages would've benefited the build-up. It all just happened so fast.
This wasn't bad but could be better. Good job on completing the OWC.
Well, okay - an island wasn't included in the challenge specs but whatever. The basement also I don't think qualifies even if it's part of the motel simply because when thinking of a run-down motel I don't think of a basement. Also, if filmmakers from California wanted to film this and they ONLY had access to a motel, chances are good there wouldn't be a basement.
I always cringe when I see so many characters introduced on the first page of a short but I think you actually handled it pretty well as the story went on. I think this could have benefited from a couple more pages as things felt rushed toward the end, but overall this wasn't bad at all.
Creative take, liked the characters and the style. Just would have liked it to be a tad slower so I could keep up.
Overall a nice job. Also needs a logline, even if it was submitted at 11:59 EST
Picked this one randomly to be the first one I read.
Well, it has a motel setting, with a hurricane looming offshore. I have no idea who the characters are meant to be - obviously some group of 'supernatural' heroes?
At the start, i htought they were all different time travellers or something.
Hmm,anyway, the actual writing was ok but I really couldn't dig the story bend it all.
I liked the story here. It was simply and it worked.
I think the dialogue in the middle went on for a bit long and I don't see why she went through all the tests if she was just going to kill them anyway.
I think introducing the characters like that all at once is a bit taxing and should be seperated by dialogue or action.
Yeah, the ending could have been better. I saw the VO coming and if you could have done it without VO and got the same result, that would have been better I think.
Seems like this could've taken place anywhere, and I don't think it utilized the motel, (or what a motel's for), very well. I'm not saying you took a story already written and made it take place in a motel to fit the parameters, but the motel really was useless here. (The main part of the script takes place in a basement.)
The dialogue read a bit flat, and the ending didn't really do anything or surprise me at all. It's been done so many times now, I wait for every story I read to have a vampire (or zombie) twist.
Still, this was a very difficult challenge and you got a story done. No harm or foul in that.
Hmm, also noticed the 'no logline' and pretty much everyone will point to that. I suppose I just thought maybe it might have helped to let me know what was going on a bit more.
I was actually intrigued with your opening scene with the characters all attired in cloaks and thought it was going to be something entirely different.
In summing up - I didn't really see the 'motel' or for that matter much of the storm, in this one, and Cassandra's dialogue especially the V.O. in the last couple of pages really was a bit unnatural imh.
I give this points for its unique take on things though, and commend you for completing a very tough challenge.
micro budget versus deserted island - may trouble some producers sorry to repeat, but year lots of characters to take in. On the one hand i liked the variation on the other hand i struggled to see the relevance, just saying Ice cream - first time he just appears with it. i had to check why, where, but there wasn't one Flapper girl - need to look that one up VO - Without the VO at the end it we don't know what has happened or why which suggests this is not the strongest solution. Hurricaine - i'm not saying it has to be key to the script, but it did appear a little irrelevant. maybe i missed something.
Fair effort, well done for getting it in. A tough challenge IMO
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I really am trying...to...be...nice...and...not...a...dickface.
So, I think I'll just quote an early line in the first Slug - under "ISLAND"...
"The last passenger stops to look back at a hurricane stirring in the far distance."
If this is supposed to be a serious script, I'm sorry and let the hate rain down, but, with a line like this, 5 lines in on Page 1, well...I'm not sure what to say, really.
I'm not a big fan of the 'shotgun' approach with characters in the first page. Although with this kind of challenge, it might not be avoidable.
I had to go back and forth to remember who's who.
It had a story. Nothing new here though. However, the end felt like... it just ended. On top of that, the author finished with VO. It's best to avoid VO at all costs, even more so when you stick it at the end and don't use it all previously. I wasn't prepared for it and felt jarring as the narrative didn't use VO at that point.
I’m pretty confident I know the author of this one; the first page is a give-away.
Unfortunately, I had a problem with your character intro’s because they were so rapid on that first page. I had to keep checking back to see who was who. It’s too much info to open up with and confuses the reader IMO.
However, as the story moved on I got more into the characters and liked the tests they were setting for Cassandra even if I had no idea why they were doing this. In fact, it kinda reminded me of the 80’s cartoon show BraveStarr. You know… “ give me the strength of a bear” type of thing. No! Okay, I’m just reminiscing from my childhood.
One of the voice overs at the end was problematic for me, this line “And you’re not gonna like it.” This felt like she should be saying it out loud. I wonder if you meant (O.S) as we’re not seeing her because the lights are out?
So they were all vampires which were trying to recruit Cassandra… it’s a strange story and I have to admit to not understanding it completely.
The Island aspect took me out of the story from the very beginning as it’s not what I imagined in this type of scenario with the motel.
Like the previous one I’ve read, I feel out of the loop on this one, it’s imaginative but I don’t understand what’s going on or why. She chose between good and evil I guess but why? And what’s with the island?
The writing was good overall but the slugs need some attention and watch out for the repetitive action “looks to the ceiling” for instance.
I like the imagination here and even the little tests Cassandra was put through which were nicely done. I have to admit to being a little confused to the whole purpose of it all even if you did throw in the “on the nose” voiceover at the end to help.
All right, first off, you need a logline if you want this to get read.
I'm not a fan of the character intros. There's nothing really creative about the approach here, plus it becomes easy to get the characters mixed up.
Some dialogue needs work. Like:
CASSANDRA I don’t know. I just see things sometimes. I can’t stop it.
Due to the challenge, you're going to be forced to use some exposition, but I think it could be done better than it is here.
I agree that the ending fell flat. I didn't care for the "Even though they were really weird vampires..." line. Too on the nose. Plus I kinda guessed they were vampires, 'cause of the different time periods and the wooden stakes...
So, overall I liked the story. It has potential, but it isn't executed very well here.
Wasn't too impressed here. I didn't get why vampires would be eating ice cream or why Cassandra had to polish off a tub as an initiation process.
What was cassandra? Obviously not a vampire. I think this missed the mark for most of the challenge. I didn't see any back story of a super natural event in any of their lives, but I guess they became vampires at some point so that could count.
This was...odd. I didn't know they were vampires until the VO at the end. And what was with the ice cream?? I mean I REALLY didn't understand that. Where did they get it anyway? And why were they in the basement? REally went over my head. Sorry.
Try to think of better descriptions. Half way through the first page you used the word "small" 5 times.
Basements in motels? Hmmm...I suppose if the motel was around in, say, the roaring '20s, there might have been an underground speakeasy, but that isn't the case here. I thought vampire usage was alright, but what's with the ice cream? "Wierd vampires" aside.
A lot of characters to keep track of in the short. As I thought, once again, due to the nature of the OWC, the exposition gets a bit on the rough, and I actually expected that. Once the gloves are off and revision comes in, that baggage can go.
Yours is the second I've read that has no logline. It does not have to be perfect---just give me a nutshell/general ballpark of what's it about. 'Cuz if you don't know, I sure don't.
Not bad. I think the ending could've been WAY better though. The VO wasn't good dialogue to me....but I liked the story...found Cassandra and Nick the most interesting.
Didn't really get the whole tubs of icecream thing though.
Overall super good story with a lil work. Good job.
This started out slow, which is okay. You're setting us up for something. Take all the time you want, but you better make it good.
What?!
How could you set us up for a vampire slaughter and NOT show us the slaughter?
You could use 1940's special effects if you want to stay low budget, but please just don't turn out the light, make some cheesy sound effects with your mouth, turn the lights back on, and say "Well, that was easy."
Not really feeling this one. Not that I hated it, but there was so little that was special and we never really got to know much about the characters, or why they were dressed for the era they were. Maybe it was a generational thing?
The most character any character had was Ted who really loved his ice cream (which I don't know why you kept hyphenating). Anyway, it didn't really have a lot for me, but it was necessarily bad, either. It was just too streamlined.
Just finished reading this one. I am not sure what to make gold it to be honest. I did not see the vampire thing coming at all. I did not understand what Cassandra's tests were for. The tests were weird and if the others were vampires, what did the tests have to do with vampirism? Eating a tub of ice cream? Not just weird, but made no sense at all, at least not to me.
I also thought that the hurricane did not really have a part in this script at all. It was just there because that was one of the requirements.
In the and Cassandra says she actually liked the other characters. To me, that didn't really make sense either as I saw no signs of that earlier in the script.
My thoughts on this script is that it was not horrible or anything, but it sort of missed the mark for this OWC, IMHO. You did try to have interesting characters by having people from different time periods, however, in order to be an interesting character, they need more than just a certain look. It's an interesting character can look very plain and boring, but be very interesting because of what they do and say.
Not bad for a one week worth of work, but it needs a lot more and I am sure you can do that with the comments you will get from readers.
A strange set up with interesting characters but it failed to evolve in to a engaging story. The characters, although from different time periods seemed pretty normal and similar. I liked the idea of Vampires though. Not bad but not the best OWC entry.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Well written, cinematic, good structure and an engaging read. Technically very strong.
The characters could have been interesting, but it was so forced they were just flashy cardboard cutouts. Cassandra was far too competent to be interesting, there was no conflict at all for her and no real challenge. That makes for a boring story, especially since no time was spent working on an emotional angle to leave us with something at the end. Everything was just too forced, the tests didn't make any sense, and the V.O. explanation was a big, nasty pill to swallow.
Loads of promise but failed to deliver. A good attempt but it needs a lot of work.
Missed on some of the challenges but it was still an entertaining story. An island at the beginning, probably a no no. I believe that its only supposed to be shot at a motel. Either way good job and congrats on wriitng the OWC.
Cassandra is kind of Dexter person, she has powers and fights the villains?
Her VO at the end contains exposition.
Island, boat, five characters - all this rings budget to me and I dont think you even need all this.
I didnt get why they were in a motel. Basement - why?
Your introduction of characters could be more memorable. Introducing all five on a dry is not a fun read.
I got the story, wish there was more of it - otherwise its five people talking about ice-cream (we are supposed to think they are after Cassandra) when she kills them all at the end.
You don't find out until the very end that Cassandra was dealing with vampires from different times? After she kills them? In a voice over? That's just weak story telling.
While confused, I was actually interested in where this was going. The mystery of the characters kept me going in this talking heads piece. And, when the time for action arrives, you don't even show it.
Sacred Acceptance by - {no logline} - Brief - I can just read this first page and tell this story neither fits within the budget nor adheres to the given criteria. Fail.
Locations & Sets - Actors - Costumes - Props - Audio FX - Visual FX - Other - Genre & Marketability - Comments -
$ - $ Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / Screenplay Pages = $ Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Odd but interesting character(s) - take refuge from a hurricane - in a beat-up motel - and are forced to make a choice - between good or evil - in order to survive the night. - Each character must - have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - that factors into their choice. - Genre is open. - This is a micro-budget short, - so no destruction of the motel, - no children or animals - and minimal special effects. - BONUS! Story also included: mime(s) - dinosaur(s) -
So this was kind of a comedy, or at least very light hearted. So the tasks were pretty random but certainly emphasised the groups odd personalities. The requirement of odd characters was certainly met, but there was little depth to them.
Dear Anonymous 5, I would insert a super at the beginning of the story, underneath the fade in and right before the first scene heading. Just as in the example below:
SUPER: "Somewhere in Romania."
And then after the sentence when, They run towards a small dilapidated mute, I would then insert a sign right before that sentence, just as the example below:
A red and white tin sign swings backwards and forward reads: "LIGHTHOUSE MOTEL."
Anonymous 5, From my view of your story, Is that it begins as a great classic and it ends as a shocking transforming conversion of paranormal heeding.
It reveils how a powerful hurricane can overtake a small island and wake up a sacred burial ground of unearthed spirits and vampires. I love the ending, Cassandra was spared, but she is no longer Cassandra. She is obsessed by the hurricane affect and the island ancient burial grounds.
Dear Anonymous 5, I would insert a super at the beginning of the story, underneath the fade in and right before the first scene heading. Just as in the example below:
SUPER: "Somewhere in Romania."
And then after the sentence when, They run towards a small dilapidated mute, I would then insert a sign right before that sentence, just as the example below:
A red and white tin sign swings backwards and forward reads: "LIGHTHOUSE MOTEL."
Anonymous 5, From my view of your story, Is that it begins as a great classic and it ends as a shocking transforming conversion of paranormal heeding.
It reveils how a powerful hurricane can overtake a small island and wake up a sacred burial ground of unearthed spirits and vampires. I love the ending, Cassandra was spared, but she is no longer Cassandra. She is obsessed by the hurricane affect and the island ancient burial grounds.
A great story of the twilight sega.
Darryl
I think your logline could be the following:
"5 boating vacationers take shelter on an island after avoiding an oncoming hurricane."
Pages: 
Author
Sacred Acceptance - 10/12 OWC
Logged
It was a pain to get through but I thought you handled the rest of the script well...
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