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Caught a few random unnescessary capitalized words. Minor grammar mistakes. No biggie, but proof read before resubmitting.
The comedy is very good in parts. Not every joke is a homerun, but there are a few good ones.
The rules for this OWC were pretty constricting but I thought you covered them for the most part.
The hurricane played a major role as did the motel. Of course those are the easy ones. Raising the dead - good. Hearing voices - meh. The Owner with the shotgun covers surviving the night.
The Owner/Billy Bob gave me the most laughs.
I suspect the author is a Brit (the torch and arse gave it away) but I really didn't see typical British humor. I love me some Brit wit, but here it was more sitcom style watered down by the hurricane.
Some of the gadget and scientific talk slowed down the pace. You kinda need it to give them credibility, but it was too sterile.
This was a light-hearted attempt. I like the central idea here, being able to open a portal to the dead in the eye of a hurricane. I didn't get why they were storm chasers, seemed like Albert was more of a paranormal investigator with all of his knowledge.
Some decent jokes involving sexuality, I always dig that. The characters all had back story involving supernatural events, so good on that. I didn't see a decision on them to survive the night, though.
Interesting idea you had with the hurricane. The scientific explaination went on a bit long though, especially since I had no clue what you were talking about. But the concept grabbed me. And it was unique.
The wise-cracking banter between Boyd and Albert was funny but went on too long in some parts. And after so many jokes it was hard to take Albert seriously when he was talking about his parents. And Boyd hearing voices felt forced and just thrown in there to meet the challenge criteria.
Pretty solid writing though. An easy read. All in all it was entertaining and a good effort for this difficult OWC.
Not quite dark comedy, more of a mash up gross out (something about Mary ish) and dark comedy violence (Shaun of the dead), even a touch of a buddy movie.
Nice to see the storm and the motel woven into the plot as core items. The underlying concept seems interesting, with potential but needs some clarification and once out of the criteria of this competition the voices in Boyd's head looks like one to drop, feels bolted on.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Not really my kind of humor (and certainly not dark comedy) but it wasn't bad. I agree with Marnie when she said that some of the banter was good but it did go on too long.
A small quibble is that, if you're going to give a character a name (like Owner), give it to them right away, even if they're not called by it for a while. Not really a whole lot to say on this one. There wasn't much wrong and there wasn't much right.
I was asked by the writer to relook at this one, so being the kind hearted, lovable, friendly dude that I am, I said, why the fuck not.
So, first of all, it appears the typo in the logline was actually The Don's doing, and has since been corrected.
I'm actually going to throw out comments as I read, so the writer knows exactly what I'm thinking. The key here is these are my personal thoughts, and they may be very different from others.
Opening Slug - "THE REDNECK MOTEL" - Not funny to me, and I already have a bad feeling about this.
Now we see the sign, repeating "THE REDNECK MOTEL". And here it is again, in the following Slug. My point being, if someone doesn't like this name, you've really beat it into our heads early, and that's a risk, IMO.
Opening line under 2nd Slug is incredibly awkward and very hard for me to understand what it's supposed to be saying and what I'm supposed to be seeing.
The next passage, "A figure steps..." is also awkward and again, I really don't know what it is I'm supposed to be seeing.
Opening dialogue has an unnecessary wrylie.
Next line after the dialogue starts with "He", but remember, we haven't been intro'd to anyone yet - it's a mistake to conceal identity unless you really intend to kep it concealed. It's confusing and unnecessary to do it like this.
The room is empty,..." - the items you list are not "items" - they're merely characteristics of the room. "concrete floor" - damn...that's sparten.
The boiler room is connected to the manager's apartment? WTF?
I think this was about where you lost me the first time, with Boyd's "Fate!..." speech. Hey, comedy is so subjective, you now? To me, this isn't remotely funny. Almost comes off like this whole script may be a pisser. Then, Albert's follow up dialogue didn't make any sense to me with the "Tuscon" reference - actually, still don't know what this is supposed to mean.
So then on Page 2, we get "...returns his attenton to the laptop." - Uhhh, what laptop? As far as I know, this is the first refernce to a laptop. Then after osme banter, he pulls out another laptop. WTF? Where are these things coming from?
The page of banter may be funny to some, and it's ont bad, but for me, it is not working at all. Not sure why.
I'm also not liking how it seems these 2 have never been invovled in what they're doing - as in their dialogue between each other - Albert is telling Boyd stuff he'd obviously already know, and Boyd is actign like he's a first timer in this stuff.
So we then get a bunch of dialogue about physics and the like, which leads into...the supernatural? Just seems to be included because it was part of the challenge.
"OWNER"? a name would have helped here, IMO.
Wow, wait...now this owner dude shoots Boyd? Completely out of context with the whacky, almost pisstake feel.
"Albert helps tourniquet Boyd's leg." - helps? Helps who? With what? What's going on here?
Annoyed, Albert he reaches..." - WTF? Typo maybe?
"Boyd lies down,..." - WTF? Has he been standing this whole time? He got shot in the leg with a rifle! I would imagine he went down immediately.
OK, so you throw a dia,logue line in, relating back to the "redneck ass rape stuf", but it comes out of nowhere, with no lead in, meaning it doesn't work, as written, or set up.
Some of the banter is funny here between Albert and Owner, but it's really hit an miss and each miss is a groan.
"FLAT" - WTF? A brand new (mini) Slug? I don't get it.
I think a big problem here is that the tone is constantly shifting, sometimes pisser-like, sometimes serious. Fo me, it does not work at all together.
So now, we find out Owner is actually Billy Joe - he should have ben intro'd this way immediately.
And just like that,he's dead, in another complete tonal shift.
The End. - I wouldn't get through this without a special request. I wold have stopped somewhere no mater what. Doesn't work for me, personally, but there are some funny gags going on.
Page 1. 1st thought is your slug that says " the redneck motel". I am hoping that it's not just what you call it, but that description would actually play in to the story somehow. Otherwise, it is a wasted description.
From the other side of what?
Some funny lines in here which is good.
Page 2. What laptop?
Retrieves another laptop from where? It is good to not have descriptions that are too wordy, but don't leave the reader guessing for the sake of being sparse.
Some deliverance comedy there. You're doing very good with the dialogue so far. It's not just idle chatter. Gives us the information we need and is somewhat funny and shows character.
Page 4. I like how you use real science for this. Makes it more interesting and again makes it not just idle chatter. Good work
Page 5. Okay, so I know this was written by a Brit. Whilst and arse? You won't find any redneck in Georgia saying the word arse!
I am currently on page 9. I like your dialogue a lot. Excellent work. You also don't give us all the information, you keep it the bit of a mystery. Makes the reader have to think, have to engage. Very good.
Shouldn't it be " the eye is passing right now" instead of " we are entering the eye now". Nitpick I know, but…
Finished. Very very good job! Kept my interest throughout. This did not read like a 1st draft at all, so, congratulations on an excellent job! I will remember this one. Thank you.
Quirky, at times funny, certainly dark. Not bad, though it was mostly talking heads. A lot of exposition, too much for such a short piece but there was a lot of story to tell. A few more pages would let you stretch out the dialogue a bit and really help this. But there were a lot of mistakes here, as has been pointed out repeatedly.
A decent entry, with a thorough rewrite and polish it could be great. Nice job.
The story had its share of laughs. The dialogue read a little clunky at times but It didn't stop me from reading the entire script. All in all I thought it was a good job. Congrats on the OWC.
All grammar errors aside - I liked it. I read about 5 of the submissions and this was my favorite so far.
I liked the chemistry between Albert and Boyd and while the dialogue isn’t hilariously LOL stuff, I did indeed chuckle a lot.
Some of this was totally bizarre – I loved it. Would LOVE to see you expand this into a feature-length and fix some typos and go more into descriptions, fixing formatting, etc.
Comedy is so subjective. It was sporadically funny but struggled to channel that into a real story. Boyd being taken out was definitely a little disappointing because he was the best character. Betsy's lack of forgiving was funny and fitted the tone.
Not bad but a bit by the numbers as it is. Not really much to add.
A dark comedy, felt more lighthearted comedy to me. Looking past some really poor grammar and the fact that some characters were mixed up at times which really confused the hell out of me - this wasn't too bad. I certainly had a few giggles along the way.
The idea of some storm chasers is a good one but some things just didn't ring true like Boyd suddenly coming out with the "I hear voices" line.
I like this supernatural aspect of raising the dead or speaking to spirits but think it was ruined by the Owner's part in it. You set-up some good groundwork for Albert with his speech (although it felt forced) to Boyd about his parents and I was expecting some pay-off for him at the end.
But when he turns to Betsy at the end and asks if he can talk to his parents, he's bluntly returned the answer "No!" which was funny I guess. But then given the whole "they're proud of you" thing.
Maybe this was the main problem for me here other than some really confusing writing at times. I never knew what tone it was going for, it shifted from one to another constantly throughout.
Not a bad effort though... it did have some really funny lines and I think you've ticked of most of the requirements, maybe missing the decision part though.
Into The Eye by - When two storm chasers are forced by a hurricane to take refuge in an abandoned motel, they soon discover the locals are more challenging than the weather. Brief - Two storm chasers assist a local in resurrecting his mummy girlfriend.
Locations & Sets - Interior, motel lobby @ night. Interior, motel room @ night Actors - ALBERT, 30, BOYD, 30, OWNER (65), Betsy mummy Costumes - rain coat Props - flashlight x3, carry-all bag x2, laptop x4, silver chain + locket + parent picture, liquid stage blood, tourniquet fabric, rifle, stones for large diameter circle, large hunting knife, bed sheets for ruin, pseudo-mummy, photo frame, stained pair of ladies underwear, rusty razor blade, bleeding slit throat prosthetic Audio FX - laptop slam, gunshot, door slam, muffled floor thump of body, throat slit sound, mummy screams Visual FX - green screen insert weather radar data onto laptops, gunshot flash Other - stock hurricane wind and damage footage, door opening effect, twitching mummy sheets effect, plastic drop sheet, throw away carpet yardage, dissolving mummy body effect Genre & Marketability - Supernatural thriller Comments - I’d just rewrite that intro to save a few production dollars. Magic tourniquet material just materializes! Wow! I’m also changing the PITA boiler room to just a regular motel room - to save a hassle - other than getting manager permission to move the motel bed(s) around for the stone ring. Three guys and a resurrected mummy, and the story still isn’t all that engaging. The premise is fine, I think the dialog needs some reworking and maybe the cover story needs a makeover. Not useable as is. I failed to see where there was much of a choice to be made between good and evil to survive the night. Script format: fine. Final word: missable characters and story
$1,000 - $2,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / 12 Screenplay Pages = $83 - $167 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Odd but interesting character(s) - nope take refuge from a hurricane - yep in a beat-up motel - yep and are forced to make a choice - nope, help or die isn’t a choice between good or evil - nope in order to survive the night. - nope Each character must - have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep that factors into their choice. - factors into their actions, but not their choice Genre is open. - Supernatural thriller This is a micro-budget short, - yep so no destruction of the motel, - yep no children or animals - yep and minimal special effects. - yep BONUS! Story also included: mime(s) - nope dinosaur(s) - nope
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Into The Eye - 10/12 OWC
Logged
That was funny.
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