Super Inn by Anonymous Phred - Short - A young woman must rekindle her supernatural powers to save her sister's life - pdf, format

Okay. If I understood the ending right, I liked it but besides that, the whole script is a mess IMO. The dialogue, really, really needs a huge clean-up, needs to flow more naturally.

You should look up "LATER/MOMENTS LATER" slugs, it should benefit your script a lot. Some scenes, it's hard to know where we actually skipped time or we didn't.

Back to the ending, I assume that Felix 20 years ago was the doctor who separated them and gave them life but is now here to take it away? If so, I felt it wasn't clear, at least for me it wasn't. Besides that though, I didn't understand much. Felix just randomly appears out of no where because he was summoned? Something's a little off.

A good effort but this seemed a little rushed to me. Good job on completing the OWC.

I thought that was pretty good.  It needs a small amount of rewrite but the story is quite chilling and deep.

I think this needs to be a bit clearer - parts were confusing - and I think the dialogue needs a bit of tweaking.  

Otherwise, I think this met the criteria - not exactly in the way I would expect - but I think it did.  

Well done.  

I think this script was a bit rushed and the dialogue and action could have been cleaner.

I did like the story though, although I think it's missing something. I'm not sure what.

Or maybe it's me and I don't really like the supernatural genre.

I think it would look better on screen than on the page.

The logline was a good one.

Good stuff.

The writing itself needs some fixing, as I felt that's what dragged the story down the most.  Honestly, I'm not entirely sure about what happened in the end cause there was a lot of back and forth action going on.

I liked the integration of the Siamese twins idea.  Actually if you decide to go back to this one then that's an awesome jumping-off point to rebuild around.

Where it is now, though, I really couldn't get that into it.  Dialogue needs work and the flow needs retooling.

Nevertheless, a good idea.

Greg

Sorry, but I must've missed something here. I was lost reading it.

At first I thought it was about people trapped in a building during a hurricane and they are starving and going mad.

Or is that exactly whats happening here? Some of the dialogue was confusing and that afffected the total read for me.

Cheers stevie

I'm on the fence with this one.

I think the dialogue could use a little more work, but it's not horrible. There's just a few moments where you slip up.

What I didn't like was the jumping back and forth. It seemed a little rushed and things weren't made clear. If more time was spent developing the flow of certain events in the script, it would make an awesome read.

At the moment, not my cup of tea.

Good job finishing the OWC, though. You've already done better than myself

Dan

Some clunky dialogue and description made for a muddled read.  The moral dilemma posed here is pretty intense, though.  Would you mutilate your own body to potentially save a loved one.  The black magic aspect gave it a sort of Pet Cemetery feel.  

But once the location switched to the graveyard I was lost.  What kind of motel has a bone zone where the swimming pool should be?  And then Felix is oddly reintroduced to us as "a man."  

Potentially powerful material here, but the execution is off, IMO.

Hmm, black magic, canibalism. Interesting.

But, some odd turns of phrase in this one - made me think perhaps the writer has not a perfect grasp of the English language. If I'm wrong I'd advise tuning into everyday dialogue.

Also, now I think of it, I didn't really get a sense of a hurricane except via exposition i.e. other people referring to it.

I'd also advise if you have, for example, a scene with a television reporter - that you listen to their dialogue/reports before committing words to the page - they often follow certain patterns that can be replicated quite easily.

I do like the 'Siamese twin' storyline and feel there is definitely a creepy story in here - it just wasn't presented on the page fluidly enough.

Tough challenge. Well done getting it done.

The good - you completed a script that possibly met maybe 1 of the criteria.

The writing itself was not horrid.

The bad - Absolutely no clue what was going on, what went on, why what went on, went on, who anyone was, where anyone was, or why anyone in the script, was in the script.

Dialogue was very poor, to the point of being comical, sorry to say.

Sorry, but I skimmed the last fdew pages and after reading feedback, knew I made the correct decision.

Interesting idea.

A lot going on that, imo, needed more, ie: Why would they send rescue to an abanded motel? Why would she make a big deal out of banging on all the doors when she knows no-one is there? etc.

In one sense I like it, but really ended up as confused as everyone else.

There are some interesting moral dilemmas posed here. Such as a Siamese twin sacrificing herself for her twin sister.

I think it needs a second run through as it's confusing to follow as is. One minute I'm in motel room, then suddenly I'm in the lobby. Some time slugs would help too so I can see how things are flowing. I assume everything's continuous?

Good story concept, but the execution needs work.

This was 'ok' for me. I didn't get the sense of an overnight thing and didn't feel much of the hurricane except for the TV announcements.

When I got to the nearly three pages of dialogue...that's when this went south for me.

Overall...it was a cool idea...but leads to a bit of confusion for me ...mostly from the dialogue(which to me needs the most work).

Congrats on finishing the owc

This script needs a little spit and polish, simple format issues, like using TV CORRESPONDENT (V.O), as he's not actually in the room. CUT TO:, not needed, it's implied by the next scene heading.

The characters Anna and Clara need to be fleshed out more to make them distinct.

I'm lost as to what actually happens after Clara sacrifices her arms to save her sister.

Sorry for repeating but I agree with;

Decent underlying, dark premise, of sacrifice, sisterly bonds , magic and desire

Writing lost me and I wanst wholly sure, what etc was happening

Storm aspect wasn't strong and it did go I to a cemmetery which may not be pushing it too far since it was close, but all the same not in a motel.

Got potential.