Congrats on finishing the OWC.

I also liked the idea of the Siamese twins and the black magic, but felt it wasn't used to its fullest potential.

Some of the dialogue is sketchy and "just there" because it needs to be.

After the TV stopped working I totally forgot about the hurricane.  

You have a very good idea, but you need to rewrite some dialogue and work out the ending so it is more clear to the reader.

Good effort.  Thanks for playing.

The basic idea here is very interesting.  In order to save her sister, she must nourish her with her own flesh.  Wicked.  I love it.  But in the end I didn't know why they were there or what their story was.  And there really didn't seem to be a hurricane either.  

There were some strange things that could have been interesting but felt forced because you were just telling us.  Like the Siamese twin thing.  And the black magic. I think that needed to be explored more.

Felix had my interest but I really didn't understand who he was or why he was there.

Your writing is bogged down by too many extra words.  Lean writing helps your story flow better and also keeps it from getting buried.  Just tell us what we need to know.  

EXAMPLE:

CLARA (20), big brown eyes full of life, pounds on a small
but old TV-set. Rabbit ear antennas stick out of its back and
she tries to adjust them for better reception.

CLARA (20), big brown eyes full of life, pounds on an old
TV then adjusts the rabbit ears for better reception.


Just keep writing.  And congtats for completing a difficult OWC.

Not a really big fan of this one. I liked the helplessness of the situation, everything that happened before Felix showed up. Once he did, there were very few things I liked about this, most notably, the dialogue (as others have mentioned). It was stilted and nobody seemed to like to talk in complete sentences.

Anyway, not the worst thing ever, but certainly not for me.

D.

I liked the idea here. It was an interesting read. To have them both be siamese twins who weren't supposed to both survive anyway was a nice touch.

Good use of moral dilemma from the challenge. I was confused at the end as well. Hopefully the writer will chime in and explain this a little after the names are revealed.

Good job entering the OWC.

James

Your slugs need some sort of time indicator (CONTINUOUS, LATER, SAME, etc.)

Some of the dialogue isn't natural and needs work. (especially between Clara and Felix.)

I like the idea, but I was totally lost at the end.

Good job completing the OWC.

A few mistakes e.g FELLIX page 5
The concept was pretty good and I suppose it kinda feel under the Good v evil and the siamese twins where a nice touch...

Overall pretty good

Mark

I'm afraid I wasn't a fan of this one. You've got an intriguing idea and a very dark dilemma going on but it was let down by clunky writing and pretty poor dialogue which made this comedic at times.

Other than a very confusing ending which needs to be cleaned up for clarity, I wasn't getting the whole set-up of this one. I'm guessing this was the aftermath of a hurricane and the two sisters are stuck, hence why they haven't eaten in a week. Yet Clara was able to move freely around the motel and they were even able to get to the graveyard outside at the end. Who the hell puts a motel by a graveyard and then calls it Super Inn? The owner of this place hardly had a marketable idea?

So back on track, they also had power and everyone else was able to leave. I just kept thinking "Why are they so hungry?" Surely there's a local corner shop down the road to get a few twinkies. This comes down to not being clear for me, maybe their predicament is a lot worse than I thought but it wasn't made evident.

Then Felix entered the mix and this where this piece really fell apart for me, as well as being a black magician, he's also a Doctor and can tell how long people have been dead for. Then he offers Anna up as a snack for Clara before telling her that he might be able to bring Anna back to life... probably should have mentioned this in the first place. But it means that Clara will have to sacrifice her own body for a bit of grub because Anna will need to eat.

Then he's cooking it up in the kitchen like Gordan Ramsay and then this "both arms bleed" took the biscuit for me... why both? Was one not enough? Did Felix fancy a nibble as well? Okay, maybe I'm thinking about this to much but you had a great idea here, this decision/sacrifice should have had more of an emotional impact but it got lost in some bad execution.

And the last few pages were very confusing like I've already mentioned and I was lost to the meaning of it all.

Sorry but this needs some work in the writing and story, it's a shame because the idea here is good but wasn't fully explored.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

I thought this one was pretty good, but it had a lot of EXT. parts in it which might hurt this script if there was a producer actually looking for a script that fit this OWC. Having EXT. shots during a hurricane means “making rain and wind”...

I wished that the hurricane was more of a part in this story.

I did like the idea of the siamese twins.

I'm going to assume this was written by someone who's just getting into screenwriting but is a writer of some sort. The storytelling is strong, it's the technique that needs a lot of work, particularly structure and dialogue.

As told, it's a confusing mess. You did well to set it in the aftermath of the hurricane, a good interpretation of the rules that worked in your favour. There was plenty of tension, but you should have established how long they've gone without food already. The way it reads it's almost right after the hurricane but they're already desperate for even a drowned rat? Too much of a stretch, and to start off that way kills our suspension of disbelief for the rest of it, especially since you're talking about resorting to cannibalism, a decision that should take weeks, not hours.

Ignoring that fundamental flaw in the story, you present some gruesome details that made for some uncomfortable squirming. Good job there, that's how it should be. A more experienced screenwriter would have found a way to introduce the idea of separated siamese twins visually rather than through exposition in dialogue but it's a neat idea and tied in nicely with the ending. Felix was the least interesting character which is a real shame, he had great potential.

All in all, not a bad attempt but nowhere near good enough. Even with a complete rewrite you'd need to fix the fundamental flaw of time to reach the desperate decision of cannibalism which wouldn't work within the time to be rescued.

Good luck, keep writing!

A little confusing at times but I liked it. Chilling feel with the black magic. Congrats on the OWC.

I thought it was a little too ambitious for 8 pages – you had so many things going on that I got lost. Honestly, I read it twice…carefully…I’m not entirely dumb (LOL) but I was confused.

I feel you experimented with some great themes and I think this would make a great feature-length as opposed to a short so you can expand the story and develop everything, fully explain things, etc.

Super Inn by - A young woman must rekindle her supernatural powers to save her sister's life.
Brief - One sister secures black magic assistance to revive the other sister. Things don’t go as planned, exactly.

Locations & Sets  -  Interior, motel room @ night. Exterior, motel walkway @ ??. Interior, motel kitchenette @ ?? (I’m going to start presuming “night”)
Actors  -  CLARA (20), ANNA (20), FELIX (60s)
Costumes  - worn jacket
Props  -  CRT TV for pounding + antennas, frying pan, chunk roast, fork + knife, tray, paper towels, bottled water, bandages, tape, liquid stage blood, red liquid vial, faux cemetery monument inscription
Audio FX  - Newscaster V.O.
Visual FX  -  Felix vanishing effect
Other  -  strong projection light + smoke machine + juice + green gel, makeup artist, ghastly makeup, kitchenette cleanup
Genre & Marketability - supernatural horror suspense
Comments  -  On pg2 the slug line is cutting to the exact same location: INT. MOTEL ROOM. Don’t do that. HOtels have HAlls, MOtels have WAlkways outside, FYI. Will try to use the same room as both rooms to reduce budget. Pg3 conversation is bizarre. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. Characters are not odd or interesting. Hurricane was kinda glossed over. Story’s a little disjointed. Script format: fair. Final word: missable characters and disjointed story.


$1,000 - $2,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 7.6 Screenplay Pages
= $  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope
take refuge from a hurricane - not, really
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - yep
between good or evil - sorta yeah
in order to survive the night. - sorta yeah
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - yep
Genre is open. - supernatural horror suspense
This is a micro-budget short, - yeh
so no destruction of the motel, - yeh
no children or animals - yeh
and minimal special effects. - yeh
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

It was one of the first posted so I got a lot of reviews to help me with the rewrite - thanks!

Got rid of all the EXT shots! and the flashbacks. And all kinds of powers.

There's still supernatural in it but the girls don't have any powers. This way it's much cleaner. I also worked on some dialog but will give it another look.

Here's the link to the latest version:

https://dl-web.dropbox.com/get/Public/Supers.pdf?w=a0134e4b

Hope the link works. It does, doesn't it?

Nope, afraid not.

Error 403, suggests a sign-in.

Thanks! Let me try something here and repost.