Here, should work!

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/w5mgze926kp7xvp/yVcFSM0JNT/Supers.pdf

Link works now!
I'll def. have a look at this tomorrow for you K. Just a bit pressed for time now.

Libby

A rewrite already, you work fast.

As I read:

Some small action description quibbles, for example. This one here reads a little awkward. While I understand what you mean, it could be made much more crisp:

'Rabbit ear antennas stick out of its back and she tries to adjust them for better reception.'

1. We don't really need to know where the antenna are located on the TV, it's not critical to the story.
2. When you say 'she tries to adjust', that reads literally as she made an attempt to adjust the antenna, but she wasn't able to adjust them, which is not what you mean.
3. Lastly, you are TELLING us what she is doing and why, 'adjust them for better reception.' Instead, SHOW us and we'll understand the what and the why from the visual.

How about 'She adjusts the rabbit ear antennas, sighs at the lines of static.'

TV CORRESPONDENT - still needs to be a VO. Any time a person who speaks is not present and the sounds has to be reproduced, it is written as a voice over.

'Clara pounds on it infuriated.' needs an apostrophe after 'it'.

'Clara sits beside, totally drained.'   -   Can't see the reason for the absence of 'her' in this sentence, especially since you have already committed to writing a line and are not shy on real estate.

CUT TO: - not needed IMHO. The next scene heading automatically indicates the scene transition.

Ill have at look at the rest later

Thanks Eoin and LC, take your time.

My link is lost now in mid-conversation - any idea how to properly repost the rewrite?

Hey K, I'm not sure now if the above comment means your edited version is up now or not??

Anyway, I'll just offer a couple of suggestions esp. with your opening.

At the moment you've got a TV Announcer (V.O.) - Eoin is correct re the latter btw.

Your opening reads as follows:

'Rescue ambulances are on the way to the Harris County. Next on the list is
Jefferson Square and Gessner Avenue. Evacuating from Country Playhouse, Mariott
Courtyard. Denny's had 15 people trapped inside... Super Inn Motel--'

My suggestion is you need to use more authentic TV Speak - i.e. stock phrases, such as these:

'...have died, more than 6 million are without power...  since Hurricane ? lashed...
...search and rescue teams are being dispatched to many areas ...yes that's right, (insert name i.e. 'Richard' if she's talking to someone back in the studio), ...officials have ordered mandatory evacuations for residents from Country House, Marriott Courtyard... tracking the path of the storm... it appears many people may be trapped... Super Inn...'

One last gasp, then the signal dies.

Clara pounds on it, infuriated.
..............................................................

You get the gist.

From the copy I'm looking at in dropbox (don't know if this is an edited version) you still have ommissions of words etc. Plus the description/exposition re the 'Siamese' background in dialogue still sounds a little clunky to me.

Interesting, dark story K.

Anyway, hope that little bit above helps.
Libby

Hey Libby,

I mean that the new one is here:
https://www.dropbox.com/sh/w5mgze926kp7xvp/yVcFSM0JNT/Supers.pdf

but it's not on the first page of the thread - so it's buried here mid-conversation.

The rewrite that I did - changed some of the storyline, made it clearer, changed the ending, got rid of all the EXT shots. No tomb whatsoever now!
I'll think about kitchenette too.
The writing - to fix it all will take time and I'll do it in time. Thanks for the additional push and for the help. I hear you about stock phrases (although I'm all for the full sentences in it - will live it up for a producer to make the cuts) and other stuff, like omitted words etc - always do that for some reason.

@Eoin - thanks to you to, good advice.

Quoted from khamanna Hey Libby, Thanks for the additional push and for the help. I hear you about stock phrases (although I'm all for the full sentences in it - will live it up for a producer to make the cuts) and other stuff, like omitted words etc - always do that for some reason...

That's cool Khamanna.

And just to clarify I wasn't saying to write what I had verbatim, that wouldn't read like it made much sense. Was just including a few examples of prof. 'grabs' incorporating your place names, and with the elipses indicating intermittent power cuts.

Anyway, well done for getting onto it so quickly.