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First off, I really don't like the title. It sounds like some kind of cheesy 80s sci-fi horror. That aside, I did quite enjoy this in a campy comic bookish way. It certainly wasn't what I expected, and shows a lot of creativity.
It's well written, although slightly over-written in areas. You did well to tell the story with as little dialogue as possible, but some of the dialogue that was used veered into corny territory occasionally.
Room 666? This is one big motel! Also, why was Devin killed at the beginning and then alive at the end? And why would the cloaked guy leave behind his photo?
You definitely created interesting characters, but unfortunately I didn't find myself particularly rooting for or disliking any of them, which kinda left me not caring too much how this turned out.
Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel? Check. Kinda.
Odd but interesting character(s)? A big fat check!
Choosing between good & evil to survive the night? Fail. More a battle of good versus evil than someone having to make a choice.
Past supernatural event? Fail. Didn't remember there being any past supernatural event that affected the characters choices.
Micro budget? On the fence with this. While there aren't any major special effects, the rooftop shot, the props and the costumes would probably be too much for a micro-budget.
I liked this one. Was not expecting an action script to come out of the guidelines. It probably goes overbudget here and there, but it was a quick, satisfying read.
When I saw the goofy title, I had a feeling that I would like this one.
And I’m glad to say that I was right… this one is right up my alley and by far the most entertaining story I’ve read so far. The budget could a contentious subject, personally I don’t think this is MICRO budget and maybe that is where you could lose points as they say.
But otherwise, this one is top notch for a week’s work, IMO. You’ve hit all the right notes with me from story to writing.
I was trying to think of how I could incorporate an alien story for days and this showed me how it can be done. It had a Men in Black, sort of tongue in cheek sci-fi vibe going and I was in for the ride.
There was a couple of things that confused me, one being at the beginning when Devin was attacked by the robe figure but this was cleared up later, and I like how you showed Devin alive and well at the end… nice touch to keep the protag likeable.
The ending I’m still on unsure on though with the picture – was it actually Devin’s angel or the cloak figures?
The characters were well conceived and all had their own voice, maybe Vesta was a tad underused as in she died quite easily but… meh.
So I liked the story. What about the writing?
Loved it! It’s again to my tastes and I’m really impressed that this was done in a week – obviously a talented, experienced member will be unveiled as the author. Just everything from the descriptions (although some did become repetitive) to witty asides and some really well-handled dialogue.
There were a small amount of typos and you can’t own an iPad, surely? But who cares about that – this was good.
I can understand why some didn’t like the writing and a lot of this is down to preference but it’s definitely mine (not mime!)
This has taken the title as being my favourite so far but still plenty more to read.
Great writing, insane visuals, and a killer concept. This one sure got my attention in a hurry, very well done.
That said, the action wasn't clear or specific enough. In an action-heavy script it's crucial to maintain a firm grasp on camera and geography, to walk the reader smoothly through the sequences. I felt jostled from action to action and had to stop reading at times to figure out where I was or try to figure out what just happened. That took me out of the story too many times.
I thought Elvis was a poor choice for the tone of this. Too hammy, better for a comedy. I didn't buy how easy it was to defeat Pandora either, that was a huge let-down. I didn't get why the desk manager lived at the end either, better if he hadn't.
Great potential with a rework of the premise. I enjoyed reading it. Not my favourite, but definitely better than average.
Solid work here, the best written entry so far and one of the best over all.
I like that you tried something original and creative. There was a sense of realness to this that I couldn't pinpoint but it was there. Your characters were really strong, you have a real talent to crafting them.
The script slowed down a little towards the end but it was still enjoyable. For a one week effort, I think you did a good job.
Someone knows their way around a keyboard. Crisp writing, lean and mean. I'm guessing this is written by a sci fi fan.
Might have been leaner, IMO, if the action description leads to Devin saying, Jesus Christ . . .
The Figure’s pale face, lengthy ‘Presbyterian’ nose, wavy long hair, shares a striking resemblance to . . .
DEVIN Jesus Christ.
Just a thought.
Given the gratuitous male nude in another script, I was very disappointed this didn't play out a beat longer, 'He touches the screen. A video resumes: two girls in sexy lingerie, share a passionate kiss.' Oh well . . . Nice subtle foreshadowing though.
Confused as to where the chip in Devin's arm has come from. I was under the impression the Figure had possessed him?
Onto a serious note, though, I don't really care for this one. Granted, it's written by a very good writer, that can easily be seen, but the story did absolutely nothing for me and I felt myself struggling just to get to the ending.
It kind of reminded me of a Power Rangers episode the kids were watching, ESPECIALLY with the dialogue and even in the actions. (Especially during the fight scenes.)
But, others really liked it and I know my tastes are hardly ever in agreement with popular culture, so don't pay too much attention to me and good job with this one.
ExtraTERRORestrial by - As a hurricane rages, an alien bent on revenge must fight two other enemy space travellers, who have chosen an abandoned motel on Earth as their battleground. Brief - see logline
Locations & Sets - Exterior, motel @ dusk. Interior, motel lobby @ dark. Interior, motel room @ dark. Interior, motel lobby @ day Actors - DEVIN, 38, FIGURE (30?), VESTA, 28, Pandora Costumes - scarlet hooded cloak, Vesta’s trench coat + outfit, Pandora’s outfit Props - iPad, small picture of wildflower girl, foliage debris, dark geisha wig, sheathed gem covered DAGGER, faux celestial planetary tattoo with fire symbol, new age gun, small throwing star, faux Pandora polaroid photo, tack, box cutter, liquid stage blood, flash drive for ruin, paper towel, holstered weapon + thigh strap, fake wall to punch through, slit throat prosthetic, bottle of Old Spice aftershave Audio FX - thunder rumble, body-weight thud on roof, TV EBS Alert, neck CRACK! + adjustment crackling, EBS broadcast, thunder boom, muffled thud on roof, footsteps, door bursting open, sharp wind, iPad voice over, wind howl, downpour rain on roof, animalistic SCREAM! Visual FX - green screen hurricane radar map onto TV + iPad, lightning flash Other - stock footage of approaching hurricane, ladder, shop fan, cloudy white contacts, mime makeup, makeup artist, tack and shuriken damage repair, desk clean up, step ladder, plastic drop sheet to protect carpet, throw away carpet yardage, crash pads for falls Genre & Marketability - Fantasy action Comments - I’d rework that opening scene if I couldn’t figure out how to rotoscope out the sky behind the motel and superimpose it over stock footage of an approaching hurricane. “She lays her weapons on the bed: the gemmed dagger, a new age gun, a small throwing star.” OMG. A teenager wrote this. Pandora needs to be introed in all caps. By pg8 this story wavers well into the side of goofy/retarded. Will probably fabricate a more inexpensive alternative to punching through a commercial grade wall. Pg10 and this story is just too goofy to have any marketable value. Script format: fine. Final word: Goofy story with thin premise not worth producing
$1,000 - $2,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / 11 Screenplay Pages = $91 - $182 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Odd but interesting character(s) - yes take refuge from a hurricane - not really in a beat-up motel - yes and are forced to make a choice - nope between good or evil - nope in order to survive the night. - nope Each character must - have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - eh, kinda. implied really that factors into their choice. - nope, no choices made Genre is open. - Fantasy action This is a micro-budget short, - yep so no destruction of the motel, - eh, with a minor exception no children or animals - yep and minimal special effects. - yep BONUS! Story also included: mime(s) - yep dinosaur(s) - didn’t catch it if it was there with the mime
I agree with those who thought the action was a little confusing. I understood most of it, but only after I either re-read the paragraph or found something later in the story that cleared it up. When the cloaked figure snapped Devin's neck and Devin came back to life, it was confusing because the only indication we got that Devin had died was he was "a dead heap on the floor"--which I mistook for a hyperbole. Not your fault that people abuse English that way, but it's probably worth clearing it up. Also, it's not really clear what happens to the cloaked figure, once he's "entered" Devin.
Also curious to know why a motel was chosen for the 'big battle' between Vesta and Pandora? Were they chasing each other when Vesta got away, then decided to seek refuge in a motel? Also, there's no explanation why they'd need to take refuge from their own meteorological handiwork. If they're human, then they should be limited in that capacity. If they're human, but still retain their superhuman abilities, I think you should say so.
Otherwise, I kind of liked this. The dialogue was good and not too over-the-top, even though other parts were. I'm not a huge Elvis fan or Elvis-was-an-alien fan, but I loved the idea that you worked him into it. You had a definite edge you were trying to communicate, all without the usage of camera directions or any other later-in-production directions. It's kind of inspiring, really.
"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."
Thanks Dan...it was put together on the fly...rush job like everything else I do.
I'll clean it up for sure. Had a lotta fun writing it.
Only reason it was a hotel is cuz of the parameters of the OWC
And about aliens...not my thing (obviously) I just wanted to do something unique. I've always been one to want to color outside of the lines. I dunno...call me a rebel.
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ExtraTERRORestrial - 10/12 OWC
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