All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
ExtraTERRORestrial by Anonymous Becky - Short - As a hurricane rages, an alien bent on revenge must fight two other enemy space travellers, who have chosen an abandoned motel on Earth as their battleground. - pdf, format
That font on the title page zaps my eyes wife awake. Please, pretty please, 12point courier and don't BOLD TERROR. It gives me a bad feeling before I read. But that said----
Moving on...
Speaking of boldface, I don't mind the Bold header trend so much, but be aware not everyone worships that style. It has some uses, and advantages. I haven't warmed up to it much myself. At least you didn't go Blue.
I got something bold of my own. Here it is:
I wish I wrote this. This is outstanding work.
My favorite of the OWC thus far. No question. Take no prisoners kind of a script. Hits all requirements. Really, really nice. Probably from one of the Soulshadows alum.
Nothing really bad to say here, except that I'm not into characters crying. Even with a name like Pandora. To be filmed sometime next week, I'm sure...
Page 1. I really dug this 1st page. Nice visuals. Funny, I had the motel owner in the lobby on the iPad as well. Very funny with the dialogue too. You look exactly like that dude in the Bible.
Page 2. He stares into the dark night… I thought you said it was dusk?
Page 3. A mime-ish face? This must be written by a board member. LOL!
Page 6. You doing very well so far. I was not crazy however, about Pandora's line " how do you know?". Well it is a motel. Why else would someone come in if they were not looking for a room?
Page 8. I did not quite get why Devin punches the wall. Did I miss something?
Why would Devin tosss the picture if he still wanted it? I was also wondering why he did not take the picture with him when he left. Anyway, of the scripts I have read so far, this is my favorite. You managed to have aliens in this script and still keep it low budget and interesting characters as well. Congratulations! Well done!
Slick style, interesting descriptors, reads very well.
Alot going on here, including alot I don't realy follow, but the way it's written makes it seem like more than it probably is, but for a week's time, it's impressive.
There's alot about the storm, but in reality, there really isn't a hurricane that I can see, nor is there a choice between good and evil, really, but maybe I'm just not quite getting everything.
BUT, again, for a week's time, it's heads and shoulders above everythign else so far.
I'm impressed. Thank you...I needed a good effort after slogging through 8 very poor efforts and 1 decent one.
Some stuff I'm not sure I completely got because there's a lot packed in here and at times I think even felt overwritten. Less exposition could help. Also impressive that this wasn't two-talking heads, which I think most of these scripts are going to be.
I thought this was well-written (if not slightly over-written) cyber-steam-punky sci-fi. Unfortunately, I don't think it hit the mark on micro-budget and I don't think it would survive a cut down to size.
This was well written. And it seems as though I am on an island here, but I didn't really like it. The dialogue seemed very comic bookish. Especially Pandora's rhyming chant and the whole destruction of the world thingy.
Why was devin a martyr for his people if he did not die? Where was the super natural events in these characters past?
I thought this was well-written (if not slightly over-written) cyber-steam-punky sci-fi. Unfortunately, I don't think it hit the mark on micro-budget and I don't think it would survive a cut down to size.
This was definitely good overall, although there was most certainly some exposition that could go. That said, I'm more than guilty of that so who am I to be complaining?
I kind of got lost at the very end. I mean, I get that they're alien creatures but, seriously, what was up with the last half a page? To be honest, whether I understood it or not, the score isn't likely to improve because I was along for the ride anyway.
One small side note: iPad would be written that way, as it's a proper noun.
The first script I've read that has mostly action over dialogue so that's impressive considering the constraints. The dialogue was okay for me. I don't know - I just cringe whenever I watch "Transformers" or something similar when someone says "This Earth is mine..." or "Earth shall be mine one city at a time..."
But I'm nitpicking on the dialogue. It doesn't take away from the fact that it has good action, considering the constraints. Good job with this one.
Cheese-tastic title. Really rolls off the tongue .
I liked the actual writing here more than the story. Crisp, concise action all the way through. But I wasn't entirely sure what was going on. The Jesus-alien takes over Devin's body, and uses Old spice to cover up his alien stink. I got that. Although it was funny to see an alien using an Elvis avatar on the Ipad, I'm not certain what that part brought to the story.
Maybe if it was just Pandora vs. Devin this would have worked better for me. The other alien chick didn't add much to the plot, IMO. It's just that I would have liked to known more about the woman in the photo who Devin was avenging.
A twist ending might have made this work even better. Instead of showing the alien break Devin's neck and take over his body at the beginning, reveal at the very end end that Devin is, in fact, an alien. Just a thought.
Pure comic fantasy this one with lots of hyperbole thrown in, but you gotta lose that title: ExtraTERRORestrial - cringe, sorry.
As far as the writing goes - sorry I do not agree with the others. Some of the writing is on the money, but some of it is not good. I think that the actual story is what carries this - plenty of action and colour. Might work better in animation.
Lots of punctuation/grammar issues here as well. For example: 'Did you think you could play me like a fiddle stupid man' - 'unstrong' and 'site' instead of sight, to name a few.
Yep, okay it's a seven day deadline etc. but overall it doesn't read that well to me.
Pg 1: You said in your description that “as if he descended from the heavens above.” Then later described him like he was Jesus. Take out one or the other. Both together seem repetitive and takes something away.
Pg 2: Wow, Jesus just did a naked choke hold on him! Just kidding. On to the story.
Pg 3: Jesus snapping necks and now lesbians on the I-pad screen? This better be good. Make sure you put “women” and not “girls.” Just so you know. Now MIMES!! What's next????
Pg 4: Are you telling me that other worldly beings can still connect to an I-pad? Did Steve Jobs write this before he died? No disrespect to the late Mr. Jobs, but that is some Apple love!
Pg 5: Of Course, Elvis!
Pg 6: Should be “sight” not “site”. Pandora should be all caps on intro.
Pg 8: Pandora just left the room and she didn't hear him smash his hand through the wall? Wait, Jesus, lesbians, mime, Laura Croft, and Elvis – you're right she didn't hear a thing. My bad. Moving on.
Pg 9: “It’s been a long time since I relished a human assassination.” Vespa was human? She could make you spontaneously combust just looking into her eyes, and she's human?
Pg 10: Old Spice! Gotta love it! Now that's funny! Again, with the human reference. He's not human. He took over a human body. Am I being too picky here?
Pg 11: “The ill air! No!” This almost sounds like the Wicked Witch of the West as she was dying. Probably could have left this line out. Not sure if I figured out the ending.
I guess I should first say good job completing a script for this challenge. There is a lot of SFX in this, which violates one of the rules. There really wasn't any choice between good/evil. They really didn't take refuge from the storm, in fact, they created it. Other than that, it was an entertaining read. As you see in my notes, this seemed to me in the style of Bubba Ho-Tep. I hope that you weren't writing this as a serious piece, and if you did I am sorry it didn't come off that way to me. Like I said, Jesus cracking necks, lesbians, mime, Elvis, Laura Croft, more lesbians, and the witch from Wizard of Oz, made it too funny for it to be serious. Fun to read, but that was it.
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
Motel: Yes Micro Budget: No Hurricane: Yes – Pandora brought her own Characters: No – Comic bookish but not odd. None memorable except maybe Elvis. Dialogue was fun though also comic bookish. Decision: Maybe – Missing a cusp of the moment point Supernatural: Yes – apparent from beginning Very good. It was a fun romp. Writing was well done. A couple of nits: “Vesta slowly pulls out a gem covered DAGGER but not fast enough.” SLOWLY but not fast enough? “PITCH BLACK darkness.” No need for darkness. “I-Pad” is copyrighted and should be “iPad” when referred to. Many software packages attempt to capitalize. Misspelling of wrylie “to herself”
It was well written, dynamic and different. The two girls almost had a trinity from the matrix feel. Good, but almost a tad cliched with blue eye you could swim in etc
I did get a bit lost with all the Devin stuff etc and if anything because of all that I didn't feel emotional attachment, but then again it's a sci fi story set in a motel, so a lot to pull off.
Probably not so "wow" for me than others felt, manly I suppose because I didn't feel for the charterers or feel I routed for anybody. More of a spectator.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Excellent job. Well written. I liked the concept of the motel being the battleground and part of me had a Mortal Kombat feel to it. Just a great job overall! Congrats on the OWC.
I have seen a few people say this doesn't fit on budget. The only special effects I saw is three drops of water and some blood. None of the kills are really shown. Just wondering what special effects you guys are talking about here. Sound effects, all I saw were thunder and wind which are easily found royalty free online.
Props are an Ipad(which most people have)...the motel..and some sexy clothes...a dagger...a gun..and a throwing star..one piece of paneling...
It felt like a big budget piece because of the scifi comic-ish feel ...but I didn't find a lot of big budget reading it.
Way to just completely make me feel poor and out of the loop... Sad thing is, I don't even have a cell phone, let alone one of those fancy contraptions. Lol. =)
First off, I really don't like the title. It sounds like some kind of cheesy 80s sci-fi horror. That aside, I did quite enjoy this in a campy comic bookish way. It certainly wasn't what I expected, and shows a lot of creativity.
It's well written, although slightly over-written in areas. You did well to tell the story with as little dialogue as possible, but some of the dialogue that was used veered into corny territory occasionally.
Room 666? This is one big motel! Also, why was Devin killed at the beginning and then alive at the end? And why would the cloaked guy leave behind his photo?
You definitely created interesting characters, but unfortunately I didn't find myself particularly rooting for or disliking any of them, which kinda left me not caring too much how this turned out.
Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel? Check. Kinda.
Odd but interesting character(s)? A big fat check!
Choosing between good & evil to survive the night? Fail. More a battle of good versus evil than someone having to make a choice.
Past supernatural event? Fail. Didn't remember there being any past supernatural event that affected the characters choices.
Micro budget? On the fence with this. While there aren't any major special effects, the rooftop shot, the props and the costumes would probably be too much for a micro-budget.
I liked this one. Was not expecting an action script to come out of the guidelines. It probably goes overbudget here and there, but it was a quick, satisfying read.
When I saw the goofy title, I had a feeling that I would like this one.
And I’m glad to say that I was right… this one is right up my alley and by far the most entertaining story I’ve read so far. The budget could a contentious subject, personally I don’t think this is MICRO budget and maybe that is where you could lose points as they say.
But otherwise, this one is top notch for a week’s work, IMO. You’ve hit all the right notes with me from story to writing.
I was trying to think of how I could incorporate an alien story for days and this showed me how it can be done. It had a Men in Black, sort of tongue in cheek sci-fi vibe going and I was in for the ride.
There was a couple of things that confused me, one being at the beginning when Devin was attacked by the robe figure but this was cleared up later, and I like how you showed Devin alive and well at the end… nice touch to keep the protag likeable.
The ending I’m still on unsure on though with the picture – was it actually Devin’s angel or the cloak figures?
The characters were well conceived and all had their own voice, maybe Vesta was a tad underused as in she died quite easily but… meh.
So I liked the story. What about the writing?
Loved it! It’s again to my tastes and I’m really impressed that this was done in a week – obviously a talented, experienced member will be unveiled as the author. Just everything from the descriptions (although some did become repetitive) to witty asides and some really well-handled dialogue.
There were a small amount of typos and you can’t own an iPad, surely? But who cares about that – this was good.
I can understand why some didn’t like the writing and a lot of this is down to preference but it’s definitely mine (not mime!)
This has taken the title as being my favourite so far but still plenty more to read.
Great writing, insane visuals, and a killer concept. This one sure got my attention in a hurry, very well done.
That said, the action wasn't clear or specific enough. In an action-heavy script it's crucial to maintain a firm grasp on camera and geography, to walk the reader smoothly through the sequences. I felt jostled from action to action and had to stop reading at times to figure out where I was or try to figure out what just happened. That took me out of the story too many times.
I thought Elvis was a poor choice for the tone of this. Too hammy, better for a comedy. I didn't buy how easy it was to defeat Pandora either, that was a huge let-down. I didn't get why the desk manager lived at the end either, better if he hadn't.
Great potential with a rework of the premise. I enjoyed reading it. Not my favourite, but definitely better than average.
Solid work here, the best written entry so far and one of the best over all.
I like that you tried something original and creative. There was a sense of realness to this that I couldn't pinpoint but it was there. Your characters were really strong, you have a real talent to crafting them.
The script slowed down a little towards the end but it was still enjoyable. For a one week effort, I think you did a good job.
Someone knows their way around a keyboard. Crisp writing, lean and mean. I'm guessing this is written by a sci fi fan.
Might have been leaner, IMO, if the action description leads to Devin saying, Jesus Christ . . .
The Figure’s pale face, lengthy ‘Presbyterian’ nose, wavy long hair, shares a striking resemblance to . . .
DEVIN Jesus Christ.
Just a thought.
Given the gratuitous male nude in another script, I was very disappointed this didn't play out a beat longer, 'He touches the screen. A video resumes: two girls in sexy lingerie, share a passionate kiss.' Oh well . . . Nice subtle foreshadowing though.
Confused as to where the chip in Devin's arm has come from. I was under the impression the Figure had possessed him?
Onto a serious note, though, I don't really care for this one. Granted, it's written by a very good writer, that can easily be seen, but the story did absolutely nothing for me and I felt myself struggling just to get to the ending.
It kind of reminded me of a Power Rangers episode the kids were watching, ESPECIALLY with the dialogue and even in the actions. (Especially during the fight scenes.)
But, others really liked it and I know my tastes are hardly ever in agreement with popular culture, so don't pay too much attention to me and good job with this one.
ExtraTERRORestrial by - As a hurricane rages, an alien bent on revenge must fight two other enemy space travellers, who have chosen an abandoned motel on Earth as their battleground. Brief - see logline
Locations & Sets - Exterior, motel @ dusk. Interior, motel lobby @ dark. Interior, motel room @ dark. Interior, motel lobby @ day Actors - DEVIN, 38, FIGURE (30?), VESTA, 28, Pandora Costumes - scarlet hooded cloak, Vesta’s trench coat + outfit, Pandora’s outfit Props - iPad, small picture of wildflower girl, foliage debris, dark geisha wig, sheathed gem covered DAGGER, faux celestial planetary tattoo with fire symbol, new age gun, small throwing star, faux Pandora polaroid photo, tack, box cutter, liquid stage blood, flash drive for ruin, paper towel, holstered weapon + thigh strap, fake wall to punch through, slit throat prosthetic, bottle of Old Spice aftershave Audio FX - thunder rumble, body-weight thud on roof, TV EBS Alert, neck CRACK! + adjustment crackling, EBS broadcast, thunder boom, muffled thud on roof, footsteps, door bursting open, sharp wind, iPad voice over, wind howl, downpour rain on roof, animalistic SCREAM! Visual FX - green screen hurricane radar map onto TV + iPad, lightning flash Other - stock footage of approaching hurricane, ladder, shop fan, cloudy white contacts, mime makeup, makeup artist, tack and shuriken damage repair, desk clean up, step ladder, plastic drop sheet to protect carpet, throw away carpet yardage, crash pads for falls Genre & Marketability - Fantasy action Comments - I’d rework that opening scene if I couldn’t figure out how to rotoscope out the sky behind the motel and superimpose it over stock footage of an approaching hurricane. “She lays her weapons on the bed: the gemmed dagger, a new age gun, a small throwing star.” OMG. A teenager wrote this. Pandora needs to be introed in all caps. By pg8 this story wavers well into the side of goofy/retarded. Will probably fabricate a more inexpensive alternative to punching through a commercial grade wall. Pg10 and this story is just too goofy to have any marketable value. Script format: fine. Final word: Goofy story with thin premise not worth producing
$1,000 - $2,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / 11 Screenplay Pages = $91 - $182 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Odd but interesting character(s) - yes take refuge from a hurricane - not really in a beat-up motel - yes and are forced to make a choice - nope between good or evil - nope in order to survive the night. - nope Each character must - have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - eh, kinda. implied really that factors into their choice. - nope, no choices made Genre is open. - Fantasy action This is a micro-budget short, - yep so no destruction of the motel, - eh, with a minor exception no children or animals - yep and minimal special effects. - yep BONUS! Story also included: mime(s) - yep dinosaur(s) - didn’t catch it if it was there with the mime
I agree with those who thought the action was a little confusing. I understood most of it, but only after I either re-read the paragraph or found something later in the story that cleared it up. When the cloaked figure snapped Devin's neck and Devin came back to life, it was confusing because the only indication we got that Devin had died was he was "a dead heap on the floor"--which I mistook for a hyperbole. Not your fault that people abuse English that way, but it's probably worth clearing it up. Also, it's not really clear what happens to the cloaked figure, once he's "entered" Devin.
Also curious to know why a motel was chosen for the 'big battle' between Vesta and Pandora? Were they chasing each other when Vesta got away, then decided to seek refuge in a motel? Also, there's no explanation why they'd need to take refuge from their own meteorological handiwork. If they're human, then they should be limited in that capacity. If they're human, but still retain their superhuman abilities, I think you should say so.
Otherwise, I kind of liked this. The dialogue was good and not too over-the-top, even though other parts were. I'm not a huge Elvis fan or Elvis-was-an-alien fan, but I loved the idea that you worked him into it. You had a definite edge you were trying to communicate, all without the usage of camera directions or any other later-in-production directions. It's kind of inspiring, really.
"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."
Thanks Dan...it was put together on the fly...rush job like everything else I do.
I'll clean it up for sure. Had a lotta fun writing it.
Only reason it was a hotel is cuz of the parameters of the OWC
And about aliens...not my thing (obviously) I just wanted to do something unique. I've always been one to want to color outside of the lines. I dunno...call me a rebel.
Pages: 
Author
ExtraTERRORestrial - 10/12 OWC
Logged
And we have a mime already! 
.
but no IPad however you spell it 
Locked Board