Am a bit disappointed here - I read the reviews first ( like you do) and it seemed pretty cool.  

Thought it started well, setting up an intriguing take on the challenge. But it sorta became Mir convoluted and I think the dialogue was the prob for me. These junkies sounded more like Shakespearean actors( hmm, just had a thought it was meant to be that way?)

Anyway, it didn't really sync with me like I hoped. Especially after seeing buddy Jeff liked it!

I'd give it extra points for attempting a different angle

Cheers stevie

I thought the dialogue in here was pretty good but  I think I would have enjoyed it a bit more if it happened during the fight - rather than after it.  

I'm also still not sure why the storm guy was trying to kill the other guy.  

Though it was different and it stuck to the challenge - both of which, I like.  

Good job.

*Spoilers*

Unique take on the challenge.  Page 1 was by far my favorite part of it - drew me in with two interesting characters, and a compelling situation (already locked in a death struggle, with Spike badly slashed.)

For me, though, it did go downhill from there.  

Don't get me wrong - the writing's competent - but the concept for me just didn't work...a type of heroin (or other injectable) that gives Spike power to control the weather and reach out with it to find Robert?  Too weird for me.  

And the dialogue explaining it's a *little* too expository.  The dialog part's fixable - leave more of the story implied vs. told.  Yes, you'll lose some of the audience, for casual readers that don't 'get it'.  But it would add to the emotion of the story, and lose a bit of that 'over the top' vibe that takes away from the story.

Oh - and Robert and Spike jumped into discussing the storm too easily.  You need something more to spur them in that direction - it's just not stuff that two strangers would naturally come to talk about, while trying to kill each other...  

Can only echo the others on this one.  It started strong, but kinda slid downhill after that.  The dialogue was pretty good in some places and kinda odd in others.  Needs a good cleaning but the idea is there.

I was really into this for the first half but IMO it got bogged down by so much dialog.  Cool idea though and great job meeting the challenge criteria.  Great writing too...breezed right through it.

As others have said this was really good. For me though, I didn't quite like the start, felt like there could have been more than just jumping into it there, but I actually dug it more as I read on. I liked the backstory and everything between Robert and Spike came together nicely.

One thing I couldn't shake though - Spike - (probably going to get a kickin for this) I loved watching Buffy and couldn't shake the image of a bleached blonde vampire out of my head - but that is purely me, nothing bad to do with the script.

Good entry. Good luck.

I enjoyed this but it's one of those that with more time I think the weaknesses will be apparent.

But first, well written, enjoyed the flow.

Suggestions;

Make the scene more dynamic even though it is one one

Spike and the weather, on the one hand an interesting idea, but does it really go with the charct w ware presented with? After all he can makes storms, yet is weedy, druggy, who's lost a fight and sliced open. Yes, keep with the weather but present him differently IMO. Just seems a clash between an all powerful storm maker and what we see
Robert - difficult to pull off someone who's been bad, but now reformed, but all we get to see  him in a room. Tricky. Visually I think we could do with seeing him give something, as well as offer his life. This may so if they are effectively doing a deal, what can they do together.

Well done.

A good hook at the beginning, coming in after an all-out knife fight. That's a great introduction (and some fantastic dialogue), except...

It's suddenly no longer about the fight. A clunky segue into talking about the storm with Robert switching from reluctance to excitement about the discussion all too quickly. He even waxes poetic with his descriptions.

Then we get his story and his realization that he has to save his attacker's life, but why did he only realize that after relating the story?

Nice twist with the supernatural drug that lets Spike control storms. Excellent visuals with him "flexing" his storm-wielding muscles. Spike's story is powerful and infuses a heavy dose of subtext into the story.

A solid first page or two followed by a few weak pages, capped off with a solid last few pages. Not a recipe for success, but a great start. If you can address the seque, maybe have some more action going on during their discussion, even if it's in the BG, then this has some serious potential.

No name for the motel, would have put your stamp on an otherwise generic image.

For a script that relies so heavily on dialouge as a device, it needs more work to carry it. I'm just not buying the truce for the sake of the storm at the beginning. In such a primal life or death struggle and even with the suspense of reality, the time out for me is jarring.

Now we're into page 4, the meat of the story. The script should really start here and would be all the better for it. Lot's of unanswered questions and things we want to know . . . slowly unfolded.

For me this had a spark of greatness that quenched with the howling storm. With a few polishes, it could be epic.

Nice little opening gory image and I thought oh no, what have we here? But then it turned into more of a philosophical debate... sorta.

Definitely seemed to be going along a metaphorical type of path i.e. the storm being a metaphor for good v evil your main character being able to control the storm & the idea of the other character having to defend his life and previous life choices... and yet it was also a bit confusing and when we got up to the end I thought oh... thought there was going to be a page or two more.

Mind you, I might be reading into it too much profundity. Will be interesting to see what the author has to say about this when all is said and done.

Ultimately I felt like the dialogue let this one down. It's a two-hander so the dialogue needs to be exemplary.  Would be interested in reading a rewrite.

This one was really interesting, although the premise is better than the outcome. It's a little too dialogue-heavy, and unfortunately the quality of the dialogue alternated between good and poor.

The transition to the conversation about storms was really awkward, and when Robert said "Two years ago. God, how the stars shone. The winds carried off everyone but the skies were glass" I cringed a little. Lines like this have no place in a conversation between an ex-drug dealer and a junkie, especially following a knife fight.

You definitely need more action as well. As it is, the entire script is just two talking heads in a room. Instead of starting at the end of the knife fight, throw us in the middle of it!

Those problems aside, you did come up with something really unique here. And so far, this is the only entry I've read that has managed to nail all the requirements of the challenge. Well done!

Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel?
Check.

Odd but interesting character(s)?
Check. Reformed drug dealer clashes with junkie turned storm bringer.

Choosing between good & evil to survive the night?
Check. Instead of forgiving Robert, Spike is willing to lose his own life to gain revenge.

Past supernatural event?
Check. Spike taking on supernatural powers, and Robert being saved by God.

Micro budget?
Check.

Congratulations on writing a unique OWC entry.

While this script met all of the requirements of the OWC, this was just a talking heads script.  And, unfortunately, I found the dialog to be very weak.

The entire conversation was forced from page one and didn't stop until the end.

Quoted Text SPIKE (ignoring him) So, there have been worse storms?  Please, do tell.

Quoted Text in a couple minutes I’ll be another dead junkie in a motel. I’ll tell you, but first you have to tell me about the storms. Scratch my back, dear, and I’ll scratch yours.

Quoted Text ROBERT If anyone could know regret, it’s me. Please. You could continue, make it stronger, and kill everyone. Kill me.

All this rang phony to me.  Even if it wasn't coming from two junkies who were trying to kill each other.  No one talks like this.

If I read dialog like this in a feature, I would've put it down after a few pages.

You need to give us more than this, visually.  Screenplays are a visual medium.  Even if people are talking, show us something.  Anything.  Otherwise, you might as well write radioplays.


Phil

Procella by - The tempest is here, its wrath is universally damning.  Its origins are dark and mysterious.  Can it be stopped?
Brief - Two men fight over a past transgression involving a sister whose vengeful brother controls the hurricane

Locations & Sets  -  Exterior, motel & motel room @ day. Interior, motel room @ day
Actors  -  ROBERT (30’s), SPIKE (30’s)
Costumes  - suit for ruin, Spike’s attire for ruin
Props  -  demolished room for ruin including bedspread for ruin, knife x2, sliced stomach prosthetic, liquid stage blood, faux PROCELLA tattoo
Audio FX  -  hurricane wind, building moans & strain, behind doors grunts + cries of pain + crashes + door slam, heavy rain, glass cracks, howling wind, cacophony
Visual FX  -  stock hurricane damaging rain footage, cracked glass effect
Other  -  set design demolished room, makeup artist
Genre & Marketability - Supernatural suspense drama (almost action, but pussed out)
Comments  -  I’m going to delete the number falling thingie. That demolished room is going to cost a lot of time and set design. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. By pg6 the story is somewhat cryptic or less than crystal lucid. By pg8 the dialog drama is just a wee over the top for me. Uninteresting characters, but good use of two actors. Story as told and premise are not that interesting, either. Spike seems intent so neither he nor Robert have any choices available, nor as any related to surviving the night. Good use of a single location + a couple of establishing shots. Woulda been thoughtful to follow directions and have this at night instead of day as the first slug indicates. Ahem... No biggie Script format: fair. Final word: Uninteresting story with premise not worth elaborating

$500 - $1,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 7.8 Screenplay Pages
= $64 - $128  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - nope
between good or evil - nope
in order to survive the night. - nope
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - nope, no choices
Genre is open. - Supernatural suspense drama
This is a micro-budget short, - yep
so no destruction of the motel, - yep, well... the window, but...
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

This was a good script to finish on. It’s hasn't made my top five but its close.

Someone who has the power to control the weather, I had this idea but then thought of Storm in X-men.  Thought I might get the copycat treatment so I went against it in the end.

I've think you've played this one quite well though, it’s the drugs that are giving him these abilities and he’s using them for evil/avenge a lost one. Nicely done and I like how the supernatural back-story was delivered, didn't feel forced and was relevant to the story.

The characters were also a highlight here, both had great depth to them and I liked how they played off one another – good stuff.

Its dialogue heavy but a lot of have been and this one of the better accomplished ones. I also enjoyed how you started this one, reeling in the reader from the off.

The writing was fine, I enjoyed it

A fine effort

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

Nicely done, mate/or matette . Solid story here, pat yourself on the back.

I enjoyed this a little more than I should have. The guidelines were used well and unlike some other entries, the hurricane was used to its full purpose.

One of the shorter entries but packed with a lot of relevant information, no filler making it a fast and easy read.

Some of the dialogue makes you cringe but most of it is pretty well done.

I like your writing style, flows very well.

My grade: B. Nice job.