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Procella by Froli Bazooka - Short - The tempest is here, its wrath is universally damning. Its origins are dark and mysterious. Can it be stopped? - pdf, format
I liked the fact that this piece stuck to the limited parameters very well. One room location so it's low budget. The storms are there. One of them can control it.
Decent dialogue, but teethers on melodrama in the end. Good format. Overall, an okay entry.
Certainly an interesting approach here, but it runs hot and cold.
The dialogue varies from powerful and evocative to over-the-top, and packed with exposition that works or does not work in equal measures. And it is (a bit) of a weakness that dialogue is pretty much all this story has got.
Best line: I wasn't mugging you. I was murdering you.
In the end, I liked it for trying to say something more in its pages. It is not a simple story. Flawed, but an admirable effort that I would give a B+.
Wow. The subject of God, drug addiction, sin, and telekinetic weather control. What's there not to love about this story? Brilliant, beautiful and disturbing.
I give it a 9.8
A quick and effective read. Very thought-provoking.
Micro budget: Yes - almost no budget Motel: Yes - beaten up Supernatural: Yes - storm bringer Choice: Kill to save thousands Odd characters: Maybe. Circumstances were odd. People didn't act odd, Hurricane: Procella means "storm. a tempest" in Latin. Nice.
Creative use of hurricane and supernatural requirements. I'd like to see the writer try this with action. Dialogue fav: "just another dead junkie in a motel"
This was pretty good. I couldn't really buy the fact that Spike was talking perfectly normal despite the fact that his stomach was pretty much ripped open, though. I mean, yeah, he's got some powers and all but considering the scene I think his dialogue could have been a little more fragmented and/or to the point rather than bothering to explain everything in perfect sentence structure.
Met the requirements nicely and had a powerful story to tell.
This was okay. Stuck to the requirements well but agree with Greg that Spike's dialogue didn't resemble a man who was seriously stabbed.
With this been such a heavy dialogue script, I think it could be stronger. I liked the gritty opening but then it trails into the supernatural, and although I like it, I think thats were the dialogue suffers a bit. Spike tries to kill Robert and yet he tries to help him, because he's a changed character...I don't buy it. The name is great though.
Overall, I think this is good effort and a decent idea.
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I thought you did well with this one. It is basically just dialogue though. If you can make it a little more interesting by adding some visually interesting things like showing emotions better, that would help a lot to enhance this script. You did follow the one-week challenge requirements.
Sorry if this was kind of short, but I did not have that many complaints about it other than what I mentioned above.
There's alot being said here and it's impressive that this was conceived in a week. Do I understand it all? No, I don't, but I think that's actually a good thing - like a movie you want to watch again, to make sure you understood everything. Will I read it again? Probably not, but that's more due to some writing choices that I personally don't like to see...
...like...
All the CAPPED words.
The variety of punctuation used
The awkward lines
But, hey, it's an OWC, so no harm, no foul.
The downside here is probably as others mentoined, there's just too much dialogue, and it gives the feeling of this being longer than it is.
Overall, I like it, though. Good job. Very unique. Some definite thouught went into this and it shows.
It was all right, I guess. The dialogue was more than I was hoping to have, but I can completely understand that because of the rules.
I agree with others that the dialogue is okay and not-so okay at times. Beyond that, there isn't a whole lot to talk about. Better than some others, but it had nothing that really grabbed me.
Am a bit disappointed here - I read the reviews first ( like you do) and it seemed pretty cool.
Thought it started well, setting up an intriguing take on the challenge. But it sorta became Mir convoluted and I think the dialogue was the prob for me. These junkies sounded more like Shakespearean actors( hmm, just had a thought it was meant to be that way?)
Anyway, it didn't really sync with me like I hoped. Especially after seeing buddy Jeff liked it!
I'd give it extra points for attempting a different angle
Unique take on the challenge. Page 1 was by far my favorite part of it - drew me in with two interesting characters, and a compelling situation (already locked in a death struggle, with Spike badly slashed.)
For me, though, it did go downhill from there.
Don't get me wrong - the writing's competent - but the concept for me just didn't work...a type of heroin (or other injectable) that gives Spike power to control the weather and reach out with it to find Robert? Too weird for me.
And the dialogue explaining it's a *little* too expository. The dialog part's fixable - leave more of the story implied vs. told. Yes, you'll lose some of the audience, for casual readers that don't 'get it'. But it would add to the emotion of the story, and lose a bit of that 'over the top' vibe that takes away from the story.
Oh - and Robert and Spike jumped into discussing the storm too easily. You need something more to spur them in that direction - it's just not stuff that two strangers would naturally come to talk about, while trying to kill each other...
Can only echo the others on this one. It started strong, but kinda slid downhill after that. The dialogue was pretty good in some places and kinda odd in others. Needs a good cleaning but the idea is there.
I was really into this for the first half but IMO it got bogged down by so much dialog. Cool idea though and great job meeting the challenge criteria. Great writing too...breezed right through it.
As others have said this was really good. For me though, I didn't quite like the start, felt like there could have been more than just jumping into it there, but I actually dug it more as I read on. I liked the backstory and everything between Robert and Spike came together nicely.
One thing I couldn't shake though - Spike - (probably going to get a kickin for this) I loved watching Buffy and couldn't shake the image of a bleached blonde vampire out of my head - but that is purely me, nothing bad to do with the script.
I enjoyed this but it's one of those that with more time I think the weaknesses will be apparent.
But first, well written, enjoyed the flow.
Suggestions;
Make the scene more dynamic even though it is one one
Spike and the weather, on the one hand an interesting idea, but does it really go with the charct w ware presented with? After all he can makes storms, yet is weedy, druggy, who's lost a fight and sliced open. Yes, keep with the weather but present him differently IMO. Just seems a clash between an all powerful storm maker and what we see Robert - difficult to pull off someone who's been bad, but now reformed, but all we get to see him in a room. Tricky. Visually I think we could do with seeing him give something, as well as offer his life. This may so if they are effectively doing a deal, what can they do together.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
A good hook at the beginning, coming in after an all-out knife fight. That's a great introduction (and some fantastic dialogue), except...
It's suddenly no longer about the fight. A clunky segue into talking about the storm with Robert switching from reluctance to excitement about the discussion all too quickly. He even waxes poetic with his descriptions.
Then we get his story and his realization that he has to save his attacker's life, but why did he only realize that after relating the story?
Nice twist with the supernatural drug that lets Spike control storms. Excellent visuals with him "flexing" his storm-wielding muscles. Spike's story is powerful and infuses a heavy dose of subtext into the story.
A solid first page or two followed by a few weak pages, capped off with a solid last few pages. Not a recipe for success, but a great start. If you can address the seque, maybe have some more action going on during their discussion, even if it's in the BG, then this has some serious potential.
No name for the motel, would have put your stamp on an otherwise generic image.
For a script that relies so heavily on dialouge as a device, it needs more work to carry it. I'm just not buying the truce for the sake of the storm at the beginning. In such a primal life or death struggle and even with the suspense of reality, the time out for me is jarring.
Now we're into page 4, the meat of the story. The script should really start here and would be all the better for it. Lot's of unanswered questions and things we want to know . . . slowly unfolded.
For me this had a spark of greatness that quenched with the howling storm. With a few polishes, it could be epic.
Nice little opening gory image and I thought oh no, what have we here? But then it turned into more of a philosophical debate... sorta.
Definitely seemed to be going along a metaphorical type of path i.e. the storm being a metaphor for good v evil your main character being able to control the storm & the idea of the other character having to defend his life and previous life choices... and yet it was also a bit confusing and when we got up to the end I thought oh... thought there was going to be a page or two more.
Mind you, I might be reading into it too much profundity. Will be interesting to see what the author has to say about this when all is said and done.
Ultimately I felt like the dialogue let this one down. It's a two-hander so the dialogue needs to be exemplary. Would be interested in reading a rewrite.
This one was really interesting, although the premise is better than the outcome. It's a little too dialogue-heavy, and unfortunately the quality of the dialogue alternated between good and poor.
The transition to the conversation about storms was really awkward, and when Robert said "Two years ago. God, how the stars shone. The winds carried off everyone but the skies were glass" I cringed a little. Lines like this have no place in a conversation between an ex-drug dealer and a junkie, especially following a knife fight.
You definitely need more action as well. As it is, the entire script is just two talking heads in a room. Instead of starting at the end of the knife fight, throw us in the middle of it!
Those problems aside, you did come up with something really unique here. And so far, this is the only entry I've read that has managed to nail all the requirements of the challenge. Well done!
Taking refuge from a hurricane in a beat-up motel? Check.
Odd but interesting character(s)? Check. Reformed drug dealer clashes with junkie turned storm bringer.
Choosing between good & evil to survive the night? Check. Instead of forgiving Robert, Spike is willing to lose his own life to gain revenge.
Past supernatural event? Check. Spike taking on supernatural powers, and Robert being saved by God.
While this script met all of the requirements of the OWC, this was just a talking heads script. And, unfortunately, I found the dialog to be very weak.
The entire conversation was forced from page one and didn't stop until the end.
Quoted Text
SPIKE (ignoring him) So, there have been worse storms? Please, do tell.
Quoted Text
in a couple minutes I’ll be another dead junkie in a motel. I’ll tell you, but first you have to tell me about the storms. Scratch my back, dear, and I’ll scratch yours.
Quoted Text
ROBERT If anyone could know regret, it’s me. Please. You could continue, make it stronger, and kill everyone. Kill me.
All this rang phony to me. Even if it wasn't coming from two junkies who were trying to kill each other. No one talks like this.
If I read dialog like this in a feature, I would've put it down after a few pages.
You need to give us more than this, visually. Screenplays are a visual medium. Even if people are talking, show us something. Anything. Otherwise, you might as well write radioplays.
Procella by - The tempest is here, its wrath is universally damning. Its origins are dark and mysterious. Can it be stopped? Brief - Two men fight over a past transgression involving a sister whose vengeful brother controls the hurricane
Locations & Sets - Exterior, motel & motel room @ day. Interior, motel room @ day Actors - ROBERT (30’s), SPIKE (30’s) Costumes - suit for ruin, Spike’s attire for ruin Props - demolished room for ruin including bedspread for ruin, knife x2, sliced stomach prosthetic, liquid stage blood, faux PROCELLA tattoo Audio FX - hurricane wind, building moans & strain, behind doors grunts + cries of pain + crashes + door slam, heavy rain, glass cracks, howling wind, cacophony Visual FX - stock hurricane damaging rain footage, cracked glass effect Other - set design demolished room, makeup artist Genre & Marketability - Supernatural suspense drama (almost action, but pussed out) Comments - I’m going to delete the number falling thingie. That demolished room is going to cost a lot of time and set design. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. By pg6 the story is somewhat cryptic or less than crystal lucid. By pg8 the dialog drama is just a wee over the top for me. Uninteresting characters, but good use of two actors. Story as told and premise are not that interesting, either. Spike seems intent so neither he nor Robert have any choices available, nor as any related to surviving the night. Good use of a single location + a couple of establishing shots. Woulda been thoughtful to follow directions and have this at night instead of day as the first slug indicates. Ahem... No biggie Script format: fair. Final word: Uninteresting story with premise not worth elaborating
$500 - $1,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / 7.8 Screenplay Pages = $64 - $128 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Odd but interesting character(s) - nope take refuge from a hurricane - yep in a beat-up motel - yep and are forced to make a choice - nope between good or evil - nope in order to survive the night. - nope Each character must - have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep that factors into their choice. - nope, no choices Genre is open. - Supernatural suspense drama This is a micro-budget short, - yep so no destruction of the motel, - yep, well... the window, but... no children or animals - yep and minimal special effects. - yep BONUS! Story also included: mime(s) - nope dinosaur(s) - nope
This was a good script to finish on. It’s hasn't made my top five but its close.
Someone who has the power to control the weather, I had this idea but then thought of Storm in X-men. Thought I might get the copycat treatment so I went against it in the end.
I've think you've played this one quite well though, it’s the drugs that are giving him these abilities and he’s using them for evil/avenge a lost one. Nicely done and I like how the supernatural back-story was delivered, didn't feel forced and was relevant to the story.
The characters were also a highlight here, both had great depth to them and I liked how they played off one another – good stuff.
Its dialogue heavy but a lot of have been and this one of the better accomplished ones. I also enjoyed how you started this one, reeling in the reader from the off.
Nicely done, mate/or matette . Solid story here, pat yourself on the back.
I enjoyed this a little more than I should have. The guidelines were used well and unlike some other entries, the hurricane was used to its full purpose.
One of the shorter entries but packed with a lot of relevant information, no filler making it a fast and easy read.
Some of the dialogue makes you cringe but most of it is pretty well done.
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Author
Procella - 10/12 OWC
Logged
Script format: fair. Final word: Uninteresting story with premise not worth elaborating
. Solid story here, pat yourself on the back.
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