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I wss really into this. The writing was good, the set up grabbed me and I was curious to see what was going to happen. But in the end I have no idea what happened.
You set up the priest well. He was obviously involved in something...he had a knife wound. But I have no idea why. I have no idea what was happening to him, who was following him or why. What a shame because it really seemed to be going somewhere.
This was good. Unless I'm totally wrong, I did understand the ending, but it kind of fell flat for me. I think this could have a few more pages, as others have pointed out.
Otherwise this was well written. Good job completing the OWC.
although it is another entry in which peeps forgot what "abandoned" means
Hmm. I don't remember reading anywhere in the challenge that the motel had to be 'abandoned', just beat up.
I liked this one, too. A very decent mystery set-up. I think Alffy is on the right track with Gerald and Vic being alter-egos.
I don't see how this doesn't meet the requirements, though. There's a beat up motel, a hurricane on the way, and Gerald is making a decision to leave the priesthood, a decision which Vic doesn't agree with and will kill Gerald because of, hence... Gerald makes a decision that causes him not to survive the night.
Of course, I'm assuming that Alffy's and I's interpretation of the story is the correct one. I guess we could be way off base here. It'll be interesting to see what the author says about this one.
Quoted from crookedowl
Unless I'm totally wrong, I did understand the ending
Just kind of curious, but do you mind sharing what your thoughts are of the ending, to see if we're both on the same track?
Anyway, I liked this one and thought it was solid. I admit, it might be a little difficult to deduce what this one's about, but I think do-able if you think about it hard enough.
I think what might detract people from focusing on the difficult stories is having to read 35 others, as well. Not everybody's concentration is there. I think if this were submitted outside the OWC, people might think about it a little more and be able to come to at least a conclusion.
And I have a feeling this won't be the only story that's a victim. I saw another thread ('Into the Eye') already posted on where readers are saying that there was no decision to have to be made, when when I read it, there clearly was.
Page 2. Getting interesting now with the priest and the blood.
A good visual with the note paper. I feel it’s a little cliche’ to say “We know you’re here”. That can probably be turned into a better line.
Page 3. Good work with the phone ringing. Feels ominous. However, I think the words need to be changed.
Page 5. Very good adding the gun in the bible. Something of interest should happen on every page. That keeps us from getting bore and keep us interested enough to want to know more.
Finished. I thought it was going fairly well until the end. I felt like nothing was resolved. No real conclusion. Also felt it was too short. The challenge was 10 - 12 pages. You have 7... Maybe you were in a hurry in the end and just needed to end it? The logline said his faith was being tested. I didn't really see any of that.
Well written, but the character's weren't interesting. Plain names, plain descriptions, plain actions, and the usual banter given the scenario. You make up for it with the story and tone, though.
I'll parrot the others, you flubbed the ending. Either it's way too subtle or you simply ran out of time. I'm inclined to believe it's the latter given how strong the rest of the structure and the story was.
Still, a script is judged by the last pages. A mediocre script with a killer ending is infinitely better than a killer script with a mediocre ending, as long as it gets read. I read it and was left bitterly disappointed, but only by the ending, not the writing.
This one started off alright and set-up a lot of mystery but I never felt everything was explained.
It’s an ambiguous piece really, I’m thinking it’s a sort of “Fight Club” multiple personality or alter-ego if you will. I think what could throw this theory out the window or confuse a lot of peeps like me is the matter of Henrik finding Gerald slumped on the floor, but to be fair there is never any mention of him actually being dead or shot.
As for the other mysteries... not a clue at the moment I’m afraid to say. Why he has a knife wound or is getting messages which magically unfurl themselves saying “we know you’re here” is left unanswered. And if they were answered, they flew straight over my head.
And what’s with Henrik? You gave him no age for starters and why is he so happy and wearing one of those “Hi my name is…” tags like he works for some summer school. Again, maybe another alter-ego and he may have some relevance to the overall plot but I couldn’t see it.
The writing is pretty decent, I wasn’t a fan of all your descriptions though and it made for some awkward phrases, IMO. I would also watch out for repetitive word use as in one three line passage the word “phone” is used three or four times and this never looks good on the page.
This isn’t that bad overall, but it could do with a little re-write for clarity and hopefully help with some of the confusion which is overshadowing it at the moment.
Well written and it flowed nicely but like everyone else I was left a little confused by the ending but I'm starting to think Gerald had a split personality. Might be wrong on that. Either way good job and congrats on the OWC.
Deliver Us From Evil by - A man's faith is tested as he attempts to evade an unknown assailant. Brief - Two guys fight over something, the winner assumes the evil spirit. I think.
Locations & Sets - Exterior, motel @ day. Interior, motel lobby @ day. Exterior, motel walkway @ day. Interior, motel room @ day. Actors - GERALD (55), HENRIK (, VIC ( Costumes - priest outfit, waterproof coat, Vic’s fedora Props - newspaper, smiley face badge, hold-all bag, bandage x2, tape, liquid stage blood, long knife wound prosthetic, “We know you’re here” note in red, leather bound Bible with pistol cutout, pistol, cell phone, baseball bat, flashlight Audio FX - thunder rumble, footsteps outside room, door handle rattle, phone ring, deep make voice V.O. from phone, phone line click + dial tone, cell phone ring, baseball bat to head strike, crash to ground, close crack of thunder, gun shot, twittering birds Visual FX - green screen super Gerald watching storm, color shift image to greenish hue, lightning flash Other - hurricane storm approaching stock footage, lightning flash, makeup artist Genre & Marketability - Supernatural suspense Comments - It’ll be difficult to note “The birds have stopped singing” in the introductory scene. Delete the walkway part. Don’t know if we can do that paper unfurling effect on a micro budget, probably delete that or substitute something else weird but cost effective. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. Going to be cheaper to flip images in post than to pay for two rooms to use. Gonna be kinda hard to hear birds twitter outside from inside the lobby, but whatever. Not really a story, more of a scene. WTH did that knife cut have to do with anything? Story’s kinda lame. Characters are uninteresting. No one made any choice at all, certainly not between good and evil or to survive the night. Script format: fair. Final word: Missable story and characters
$1,000 - $2,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / 6.6 Screenplay Pages = $152 - $303 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Odd but interesting character(s) - nope take refuge from a hurricane - yep in a beat-up motel - yep and are forced to make a choice - nope between good or evil - nope in order to survive the night. - nope Each character must - have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - implied, but not explicit, so nope that factors into their choice. - no choices were made, events just happened Genre is open. - Supernatural suspense This is a micro-budget short, - yep so no destruction of the motel, - yep no children or animals - yep and minimal special effects. - yep BONUS! Story also included: mime(s) - nope dinosaur(s) - nope
I'm agreeing with Irish Eyes. I didn't understand where this script was going, or where it went. Competantly written, and kudos on that. But I'm at a lost as to what was the dynamic between Henric and Gerald. And what happened at the end...? Apologies if it's just me, but I honestly didn't "get" this one....
What just happened? I thought you were going somewhere but then it just ends abruptly. Maybe the problem lies in the one week, it feels like you were still waiting for the ending to pop up in your head on the last day and then you realize you have an hour left until submission.
The first 6 pages were okay but they went by a little slowly.
In a rewrite, I'd suggest thinking about the ending a little more. Make it feel fulfilling to the reader rather than just happening.
For the most part this was good, but the ending fell flat. You had Henrik find Gerald then it cuts straight to the next day and everything's peachy. Not the right ending, IMO. Might have played out better if Gerald had have woken in the room and talked to Henrik in Vic's voice then maybe Henrik had to make the decision between good and evil as in what to do with Gerald (because there is no decision in this as it is) if you get my drift? Just suggestions that came to mind, take it or leave it.
Format. There is no major issues with the format. You just could break 4 line descriptions into 2 lines to make it esthetically pleasant for the readers. Other than that, everything seemed okay. Nice, clear description of the actions. Very visual.
Dialog. There were no many dialogs in this story, so I can't really say too much things about it. Most importantly, I don't find them on the nose and I don't find them explanatory too... Contrary, the screenplay could benefit from a bit of more explanations in the dialogs.
Characters. I don't think that someone can have "well described" characters in just 6 page long supernatural short. Beside that, to understand the characters, we should understand the story first...
that leads us to...
Story. Frankly, I was a bit confused by ending and re-read the screenplay a couple of times. I had a few ideas what this story could be about and wanted to find out if the other readers were on the 'same page' so, I read the posts and discovered that this story was OWC...
Since, the shorts had to have some kind of choice between good and evil, I concluded that all three characters were the same one person.
One day, Henrik got two of his alter ago in his motel (the motel that is always open, meaning: in the past, present and future) and he choose Vic over Gerald. He gives Vic Gerald's room number. Ones fateful Gerald, wounded and weak, becomes Vic and later, he turns into always cynically smiling, 'tall, old and bold' Henrik.
All in all, I found this screenplay entertaining and interesting, something that make me think for a while after I finished it.
Very nice idea that could be made a bit more clear by giving a bit more clues.
Forgive for my English, hope my review was not foggy...
Datha, thanks for the review. Whew! This is going back a bit.
FYI, this story underwent quite a few more drafts following this original draft and was slated for inclusion in the Horror Anthology a couple of the SS members (Pia & Michael) had planned on filming. Unfortunately due to location problems the filming didn't go ahead.
I appreciate the review - some nice conclusions you made and you were pretty much in the same boat as others that the ending was less than satisfying.
Just as a FYI, if you're looking for something a little more current check out the site portal.
Also, (given they both commented on yours) Anthony has a new script in the 'short' section called - iRobot - definitely worth checking out, and as for Gabe - it might be worth sending him a PM to check what is current with him.
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Deliver Us From Evil - 10/12 OWC
Logged
, VIC (
I'm agreeing with Irish Eyes. I didn't understand where this script was going, or where it went. Competantly written, and kudos on that. But I'm at a lost as to what was the dynamic between Henric and Gerald. And what happened at the end...? Apologies if it's just me, but I honestly didn't "get" this one.... 
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