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MARK (42) short, balding and overweight, drives a BMW along a dark deserted country road, wears a suit, loosens his tie.
Just this tells me that it is all over the place.... IMO you don't start off with a description, then say he's driving and then go back to what he is wearing....
A severe high level weather warning is in place for California as cyclone Magdalen approaches.
A CYCLONE...... It was suppose to be a Hurricane... there is a difference and that shows a lack of care.
Driving in a car for 2 pages.... also not what was asked .
You're writing is pretty good, but as far as story goes... You seem to have taken on your on project. Good job on entering Mark
Lawyers going to hell, Funny! The challenge was to have the entire story at a motel but you started with Mark driving to the motel which goes against it. The writing was nice and others already pointed out to you that there wasn't really a good versus evil spin on it which I agree but either way nice job and congrats on the OWC.
Actually, a cyclone is sometimes referred to as a hurricane. But that still doesn't mean there would be a 200 mph one in California
In the southern hemisphere, a Hurricane is called a Cyclone. The only difference (don't quote me on this) is the wind travels in different directions. Clock-wise for one hemisphere, anti-clockwise for the other.
As this is set in California, yeah it probably should be referred to as a hurricane, instead.
I thought this had a pretty funny core idea, but was undone by lazy execution. A couple jokes were decent, but poor grammar and typos were rampant. And then it ends with the "it was all just a dream" thing. On the plus side, it was only seven pages.
Did the author do it? Oh, yes they did - it was all a dream! Hopefully I'm not alone in saying that ending your story this way isn't great. It always comes off lazy to me, like it's some kind twist which I guess it was but I didn't care for it.
Other than not being in a beat up motel, this one also failed to meet most of the requirements as far as I can tell. And it took a while to get going, page 3 of 7 until arriving at the hotel and then it happens to have a nightclub as a waiting room.
Other than a few usual typos and some really unnecessary action, this one was okay to read. I wasn't confused and it read fast.
Some of it was funny, other times not so funny but comedy is subjective.
The ending put a sour note on it for me but others might enjoy the whole "it was a all dream" thing.
I think I know who wrote this, so I'll try to be light to not come off like a dick. But the grammar mistakes riddled this piece, and the ending was total copout. Sorry to be such a downer but this one was not there for me.
This could / should be cut down to about 4 pages and it still will keep the same story. Much of the first half was really long winded and did nothing to set up the story that a few lines couldn't accomplish.
The story itself made me feel like I was being told a joke in a bar, then bam, the punch line at the end confirmed it. Not that I don’t mind a good joke!
It read really well & was formatted by someone who knows writing but I really felt a bit cheated by the ending.
Page 1. First thought on page 1 is that this is not taking place at the motel. The micro budget requirement means one location. Could be several areas at the motel, but not out driving...
You’re also specifying that this takes place near SF...
Another thought is that hurricanes/cyclones never hits SF. What I mean by that is that it makes it rather unbelievable.
Page 2. Add a black cat on the road in the pouring rain. Not very believable IMHO. Nice writing though.
In less than two pages Mark has said the line “Just my friggin luck” twice. Repetitive since it comes so close to each other.
Also, a hotel would say NO VACANCY rather than full.
What’s FOB?
Page 3. Mark talks a lot to himself. That usually looks weird on film.
Okay, so the first two pages take place on the road in California...not in a rundown motel. When we finally get to the motel, it disappears and we are now in a paddock?
I’m lost. We are outside in a paddock where we hear crickets and now we are in what I assume is the motel’s reception?
You should also mention each character by name in every new scene instead of just he.
Page 4. Mark must be really really stupid for a lawyer, if he asks if they have any deluxe rooms in this place.
Page 5. You’re blowing it again by adding a club type place filled with people in suits and whores and drug dealers. This is supposed to be micro budget!
Page 6. Some funny lines.
Again, you’re not keeping the micro budget in mind with the angelic room with the cloud like bed.
Finished this one. Although it was written well, I felt you really missed the mark for the OWC. You ignored the micro budget by having scenes taking place far away from a rundown motel. You did not have 10 - 12 pages. You have a huge cast with tons of extras. There was not one single likable character here except for Matthew, but he’s just a minor character whom the story is not about.
In short, I liked your writing, but was not crazy about the story. I would have liked to see this play out at the motel only and also go on a little longer.
It seems to be written by someone who's familiar with writing but not screenwriting. Too many formatting and structural mistakes. That's not the problem here, just an observation. While I'm at it, don't have characters talking to themselves, it's cheesy and bad writing.
It's not the worst I've read, there are a couple I didn't even bother to comment on, but it's near the bottom for me. At least you show some potential, you just need a real story to write and more practice with format and structure.
In the southern hemisphere, a Hurricane is called a Cyclone. The only difference (don't quote me on this) is the wind travels in different directions. Clock-wise for one hemisphere, anti-clockwise for the other.
I'm glad you said that, because otherwise I'd have to rely on Wikipedia haha.
I'm going to stick up for the writer here, as I really see writing from a person who knows what they're doing. I don't think the problem with this screenplay comes down to experience. In terms of format, it's flawless... The structure needs a little help, maybe, but it's honestly not that bad.
Yes, the story has it's issue and no it's not my favourite, but I think you guys are hitting this script hard for all the wrong reasons.
skimmed this one because you didn't follow the requirements of the OWC. we start off in a moving vehicle.
anyways, what really offends me is the thinly disguised religious themes. lawyers don't make it into heaven, jess as jesus (complete with curly brown hair), matthew and mark. these elements are no where close to clever because one can figure it out so easily.
and then we have the ending. god almighty (excuse the pun). a dream sequence? no. just no.
but I think you guys are hitting this script hard for all the wrong reasons.
You must know the author, Dan. I have a pretty good idea myself.
I can't speak for the others but I personally "hit this script hard" if you can call it that, for exactly the right reasons. Ending a story with "it was all a dream" is never good, IMO. It's just downright lazy. Sorry, but that's just the way I see it.
Remember this is a OWC and there are going to be a few harsh reviews around... it comes with the territory.
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Left or Right - 10/12 OWC
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