Quoted from CoopBazinga I can't speak for the others but I personally "hit this script hard" if you can call it that, for exactly the right reasons. Ending a story with "it was all a dream" is never good, IMO. It's just downright lazy.

I'm not saying that your opinions about the story is wrong. I made similar comments about the apparent dream sequence ending and I honestly do agree with you, Steve.

I just think people have butchered this for the writing which is apparently formatted incorrectly. I'm sorry, but I honestly believe that the writing is really good, here.

Then again, that is my opinion and people are definitely entitled to their own

No hard feelings, I just had to say something.

Quoted from danbotha No hard feelings, I just had to say something.

Definitely no hard feelings, mate. I know your comment wasn't at me, just saying that peeps should expect some indifferent or vague comments in a OWC.

Apart from the typos and some grammar issues, I didn't think the writing was too bad, wouldn't go as far as "really good" but it's okay.

Have a good one, mate.

BMW, might push the micro budget up. Same applies to the cat.

At 2 Pages the setup is taking a little too long. You could easily start this at the Motel.

Motel has changed to Hotel. Doesn't really fit in with the run down abandoned Motel the challenge called for.

The line about Carol's, amusing.

This was leaning towards a morality tale, but the ending just ruined it. There was the idea of a story lost in lots of filler pages at the start. Needs to be fleshed out more to have any impact.

Left or Right by - An eccentric lawyer takes refuge from a hurricane in an unusual beat-up hotel. His perception of good and evil is distorted, as everything is not as it seems.
Brief - Man searches the business strip for a MOtel, finds quizzical HOtel instead

Locations & Sets  -  Interior, car @ night. Exterior, light business strip @ night. Exterior, motel parking lot. Exterior, paddock @ night. Exterior, motel breezeway @ night
Actors  -  MARK (42), WOMAN (70), JESS (37)
Costumes  -  suit + tie, shoes for ruin, Amish clothes outfit,
Props  - cigarette pack + lighter, street sign x2, paper map, motel sign, pothole water, Merry Christmas sign, PEARLY GATES RECEPTION sign, business card, stamp, form paper, HEAVEN arrow left + HELL arrow right signs
Audio FX  -  public domain radio music, rain on car, radio severe weather announcement V.O., car security beep, heavy stamp on paper
Visual FX  -
Other  -  heavy rain effect while driving, street sign post + installation & removal, black cat + animal wrangler, find or create pothole, water container for wet shoe gag,
Genre & Marketability -
Comments  - Critics are going to murder you over all of these -ly adjectives sprinkled with -ing adverbs. (First page alone: balding, partially, suddenly, & partially.) I don’t care, but recognize that others do, FWIW. No animals allowed; delete. And delete the hunting for an open motel part, as well. by pg3 I can already tell the budget for this is outta control before anything meaningful has happened. I’m just reading for story at this point, rather than for meaningful analysis. Gareth Edwards would love building all of these signs in Photoshop and installing them into AAE. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. HELL stamp is funny. HOtels have HALLways. MOtels have outside breeze/walkways. WTF happened to the microbudget on pg5? Seriously. I’m stopping here. Custom signs all over the place, elderly Amish women and black cats in the road at night for a moment each, and a room which “resembles a night club, colored flashing disco lights, fog, people crowded together dancing, music blaring. Men in suits, prostitutes and drug dealers fill the room ” are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced. Script format: needs work. Final word: follow directions

$8,000 - $10,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 6.5 Screenplay Pages
= $1,231 - $1,538  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - fuckit. if the writer doesn’t care then I won’t.
take refuge from a hurricane -
in a beat-up motel -
and are forced to make a choice -
between good or evil -
in order to survive the night. -
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives -
that factors into their choice. -
Genre is open. -
This is a micro-budget short, -
so no destruction of the motel, -
no children or animals -
and minimal special effects. -
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) -
dinosaur(s) -

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

In ways this was a good attempt at the challenge, but agree that boundaries were pushed. Hotel - Motel for starters - two very different places.

Non the less - I liked the story. liked the comedy. As an overall piece this is good.

Good effort.

I'm definitely in the camp that likes this one. You've got a lot of nice visuals in your opening couple of pages and it's very witty.

I'm getting to the end of my critiques so it's nice to come across another that I enjoyed reading.

Comments as I go:
I chuckled at the Pearl reference at the start.  

The Hotel (yep, it should be a motel) disappears - nice one, now you've got me reading on.

The 'kind or evil' line didn't read right to me - shoulda' been 'good or evil' but I'm nitpicking.

'I'll take heaven' - 'That's for me to decide' - nice dialogue.

Important point: Did you mean to write: 'Carols' cause it should be Carol's (possessive) and that would have made the delivery of that comic line hit the mark. I expect it's a typo... as it is at the mo', it reads as Christmas songs. This is when it's crucial to proof read for the sake of a comic line but I expect the deadline may have been looming.

And now the whole Hell to the left, Heaven to the right - I chuckled again. Ah, and the whole Lawyers going to hell thing... hmm, but once again good visuals here with them dancing.

"A solitude white..." do you mean some other adjective like "solemn" even though that wouldn't quite fit either? That description line def. needs rejigging.

And now, a nice little boom tish! ending about what it's like to 'go to hell'.

Your ending unfortunately kind of turns this whole thing into a skit and defeats the purpose of what was otherwise a nice little set up. I was going to say I would have preferred if this went on to echo it's sinister beginnings but I got enough chuckles out of this and really enjoyed your visuals.

A good story overall, and it entertained me. And that's the main thing. Other picky bits of formatting grammar and punctuation can be fixed.

One of the better ones imho, even if it doesn't meet strictly every stipulation... I don't think in the end he had a choice of choosing did he?

Definitely in my top 5 list.

Quoted from danbotha In the southern hemisphere, a Hurricane is called a Cyclone. The only difference (don't quote me on this) is the wind travels in different directions. Clock-wise for one hemisphere, anti-clockwise for the other. As this is set in California, yeah it probably should be referred to as a hurricane, instead.

In the Indian and Pacific oceans a Hurricane is called a Cyclone.  In the southern hemisphere it's technically called an anti-cyclone because of the reverse wind directions.  However, this does get shortened by the locals to cyclone.

I thought this script was a cute idea.  The writing was ok but I didn't like the ending and thought that could use some improvement.  Mostly because it wasn't foreshadowed - but even if it was foreshadowed I'm not sure I'd like it.  Would like this to resolve differently.

Good job on getting a script together for the OWC, however.

Quoted from mcornetto In the Indian and Pacific oceans a Hurricane is called a Cyclone.  In the southern hemisphere it's technically called an anti-cyclone because of the reverse wind directions.  However, this does get shortened by the locals to cyclone.

There you go. Is there anything he doesn't know??

Just as i thought the story was just getting started, it ended.  It almost felt like the whole script was just for a single punch line at the end, 6 pages for a one liner.  Perhaps you ran out of time.

I was enjoying this until it abruptly ended.  Found Marks reactions unnatural, accepts the whole heaven and hell thing very quickly.  Why the old lady at the beginning? She's his mum?  

Felt like this started as one thing, and ended as another.

Eh.  This one didn't do anything to rock my world.  And at 200 mph, it should have!

I am really curious about the Amish woman who appears and disappears.  Literally, disappears from the script and never shows up again or is explained.  I'm guessing it's his mom, and she's dead or something, and he comes across her on his way to the afterlife.  But I'm not sure.

Maybe she was just there to meet the supernatural requirement of the challenge.

I've spent my life looking for a story that makes the whole "it was all a dream" thing work... And this ain't it.

Even in my dreams I don't remember an instance when I talked to myself. Especially at this frequency. He even has two identical lines on different pages.

I do like the fact that even hell is enjoyable for a guy with a wife like that, though.

Congrats on entering!

Eh, this was just okay for me.

It bothered me because California doesn’t get hurricanes, let alone 200mph winds. LOL.

I thought it was rather funny how you moved all lawyers into the hell portion of the motel. Clever. Hell certainly did seem lively though - music, dancing, boozing, lol, I’d choose that too!

What was with the Amish woman on the road? That seemed random - maybe you should’ve included a bit showing how exhausted Mark was to cause such a delusion? Just my opinion.

The ending was funny…a little abrupt but it works for this type of short.

Congrats on finishing the OWC.

Hey All,

Now that it's all out there, have to put my name to this one.

Just to let you guys know "IT"S NOT A DREAM" !!!!!!

Mark wakes up the next morning, after a night out on the Piss, that's what the wife's dialouge says.

People didn't like the idea of it being a dream, IT WASN'T, he wakes up to a nagging wife giving him Hell.

Alex

Alex, Alex, Alex...I'm bummed.  It appears you read and provided feedback on 3 or 4 entries, your own included in that weak total.  And, you really tried to pump your own entry up.

That's not the way to go in an OWC. Sorry, bro, but IMO, that is very, very weak.

I for one will not be reading anymore of your scripts, until you understand the Quid Pro Quo mentality of what makes SS rock this world of ours.

Quoted from Dreamscale I for one will not be reading anymore of your scripts, until you understand the Quid Pro Quo mentality of what makes SS rock this world of ours.

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff

I didn't try to pump it up I was trying to make a few things clear, without giving away that it was mine.

I think if no one commented on their own screenplays it would give away which ones belong to whom !!!!!

If you feel you don't want to read any of my screenplays in the future that's up to you !!!! I have a huge amount of friends on SS who are happy too.

Furthermore, the reason I didn't comment on many screenplays was because I really ended up extremely busy as work, not to mention, after hours, with my son in hospital.

Take it as you please.