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Left or Right by Anonymous Dan - Short - An eccentric lawyer takes refuge from a hurricane in an unusual beat-up hotel. His perception of good and evil is distorted, as everything is not as it seems. - pdf, format
I tried to get into this, but some of the (intentional?) sex jokes put me off a little bit.
Quoted Text
MATTHEW Why? This place is pumpin’, look at the hot chicks.
They both turn their heads towards a group of girls in short skirts.
MATTHEW (CONT’D) What do ya do for a crust?
Quoted Text
MARK The guy at the front desk was a bit stiff.
Like the line about Carol's stockings though. Maybe I'm getting a bit tooi dirty minded these days. In any case, in spite of being fairly amusing and not being a fan of bold headers and mispelled profanity, for the most part, as much as I hate to admit it---the piece is fairly well written.
This was written well, though there were a few grammar errors. Like: "a VACANT neon sign flashes, he pulls into the car park" "He approaches the window, water oozes from his shoe" Both comma splices.
This thing kinda takes a long time to get started-- the first three pages are just about him getting to the motel. That's almost half of the script. So, I think this could be shortened while still retaining the same effect.
I still liked this. Definitely one of the better entries.
I actually read this entire script and that's probably why I'm going to be harsher on it than others that are clearly much worse.
So many mistakes here. How others can call this well written is downright shocking to me. There must be well over 100 mistakes in the 7 pages. Mistakes of all kinds...everywhere.
What really upsets me here though, is that there's no story here at all. No attempt to meet the challenge. Instead of a beat up motel, we have some huge otherworldly hotel Hurricane? Nope, talk of a cyclone near San Francisco, of all places. Low budget? Not remotely even close. Good vs evil? No way. And how do we end here? It was all a dream.
I think what upsets me the most is that I can tell by your writing that you do now how to write, making this effort appear worse than it probably is.
I'm sorry if this is harsh, but this was a complete waste for me.
There aren't any 200 mph winds in California but alright, for the story's sake I'll let that go.
But if this epic storm were about to hit then why is he driving in it and seemingly shocked when it hits?
Didn't meet the setting requirements at all. Two pages in a car and another page in a nightclub - yes, it's a "waiting room" in a motel but that really doesn't work.
Kind of a cute ending I guess but until the last line I wasn't sure if this was supposed to be a comedy or if Mark was just a dick. The description of him and Matthew attempting uncoordinated dance moves I think is also an unintentionally funny image.
Easy enough to read but not much else going on, sorry.
A somewhat bland story, most of the script was spent on unnecessary description rather than developing the plot. What was the deal with the old woman at the side of the road? She popped up then disappeared altogether. Sorry if I come off as harsh but this script just comes off as lazy, sugarcoated with lengthy details and Dreamscale brings up the point that you didn't really follow the parameters of the contest to which I agree. You have an ability for quality writing but this specific piece lacked dedication.
I have a feeling I know the author of this one. That log-line is typical for a certain writer I know and the writing is a bit of a give away, as well.
Anyway I'm not going to lie, I thought this is a story that has been seen a hundred times over and the ending falls flat. How many times have we seen people waking up after a dream? In all the times I've seen this done, it just never seems to make sense.
Like the others, I don't feel that you've met the challenge requirements. There's no choice between good and evil (not really, anyway) and the supernatural event is a little vague.
There's no challenge for your main character and it all just falls apart from there.
Got some laughs at this. Pretty well written for the most part. I guess Mark did have his paranormal mother following him so a check there. The decision between good and evil was pretty in your face.
Not much to add here. It was a quick read and maybe I'm alone here but I liked it.
The choice between good and evil, tick, the odd but interesting character, tick, supernatural, well the mum and Jesus character, tick, hurricane, tick, beat up hotel, tick.
Found this a quick, enjoyable read, we'll written and it flowed nicely.
The payoff caught me by surprise, the real hell was being home with the wife yelling at him after a night on the grog. Works well and I can relate to that. The other twist was that Hell was heaven.
Wasn't a big fan of the protag talking to himself for almost 3-4 pages. Sometimes it's more powerful if you let your cinematic images make a statement rather than the character making a snide remark to himself.
I think this was meant to be light hearted so there's no gore or blood. I didn't expect that "twist" in the end, but I'm not a big fan of waking up in a dream, unless you give hints along the way that it's just a dream. Maybe everything was off-beat so that's the hint that it's just a dream (i.e. the Mum appearing once and never seen again)?
It's okay. A step ahead than most of the early entries that I've read so far.
I would agree with Jeff and Greg that this failed in meeting the challenge and there really wasn't much of a story. I think my biggest problem was that there were no stakes. The main desk guy made it seem all serious (and Mark's reactions to all of this were too severe).
I have to say this one didn't hit the Mark for me , apologies for the pun.
First off, I think the criteria were pushed a little too far. A lot of time in the car, on the road, in a street of motels. Tis is meant to be micro budget in a beat up motel. Anyway, most scripts have to push something, I just thought this was a little too much, oh and a night club and his bedroom as well. Long list.
Love the carols line - good. And I did like the idea of hell being pestered my your wife, did I read that right.
Hell for lawyers, bit standard. If you wanted a laugh why not have an unusual character in there, eg charity worked who needed a blast for once, letting his hair down, or can't read maps etc
Storm was a bit of an after thought, but then again it is for many.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I didn't understand this and I also didn't feel it fell into the parameters of the challenge. He's in a car for the first two pages.
And I didn't get the lawyer thing. Were they in hell? Not saying some don't belong there but it just felt random.
And then he wakes up. Okay. ((eye roll)) By your writing I know you can do way better. Maybe just wrote this quickly to enter something. That's my guess.
MARK (42) short, balding and overweight, drives a BMW along a dark deserted country road, wears a suit, loosens his tie.
Just this tells me that it is all over the place.... IMO you don't start off with a description, then say he's driving and then go back to what he is wearing....
A severe high level weather warning is in place for California as cyclone Magdalen approaches.
A CYCLONE...... It was suppose to be a Hurricane... there is a difference and that shows a lack of care.
Driving in a car for 2 pages.... also not what was asked .
You're writing is pretty good, but as far as story goes... You seem to have taken on your on project. Good job on entering Mark
Lawyers going to hell, Funny! The challenge was to have the entire story at a motel but you started with Mark driving to the motel which goes against it. The writing was nice and others already pointed out to you that there wasn't really a good versus evil spin on it which I agree but either way nice job and congrats on the OWC.
Actually, a cyclone is sometimes referred to as a hurricane. But that still doesn't mean there would be a 200 mph one in California
In the southern hemisphere, a Hurricane is called a Cyclone. The only difference (don't quote me on this) is the wind travels in different directions. Clock-wise for one hemisphere, anti-clockwise for the other.
As this is set in California, yeah it probably should be referred to as a hurricane, instead.
I thought this had a pretty funny core idea, but was undone by lazy execution. A couple jokes were decent, but poor grammar and typos were rampant. And then it ends with the "it was all just a dream" thing. On the plus side, it was only seven pages.
Did the author do it? Oh, yes they did - it was all a dream! Hopefully I'm not alone in saying that ending your story this way isn't great. It always comes off lazy to me, like it's some kind twist which I guess it was but I didn't care for it.
Other than not being in a beat up motel, this one also failed to meet most of the requirements as far as I can tell. And it took a while to get going, page 3 of 7 until arriving at the hotel and then it happens to have a nightclub as a waiting room.
Other than a few usual typos and some really unnecessary action, this one was okay to read. I wasn't confused and it read fast.
Some of it was funny, other times not so funny but comedy is subjective.
The ending put a sour note on it for me but others might enjoy the whole "it was a all dream" thing.
I think I know who wrote this, so I'll try to be light to not come off like a dick. But the grammar mistakes riddled this piece, and the ending was total copout. Sorry to be such a downer but this one was not there for me.
This could / should be cut down to about 4 pages and it still will keep the same story. Much of the first half was really long winded and did nothing to set up the story that a few lines couldn't accomplish.
The story itself made me feel like I was being told a joke in a bar, then bam, the punch line at the end confirmed it. Not that I don’t mind a good joke!
It read really well & was formatted by someone who knows writing but I really felt a bit cheated by the ending.
Page 1. First thought on page 1 is that this is not taking place at the motel. The micro budget requirement means one location. Could be several areas at the motel, but not out driving...
You’re also specifying that this takes place near SF...
Another thought is that hurricanes/cyclones never hits SF. What I mean by that is that it makes it rather unbelievable.
Page 2. Add a black cat on the road in the pouring rain. Not very believable IMHO. Nice writing though.
In less than two pages Mark has said the line “Just my friggin luck” twice. Repetitive since it comes so close to each other.
Also, a hotel would say NO VACANCY rather than full.
What’s FOB?
Page 3. Mark talks a lot to himself. That usually looks weird on film.
Okay, so the first two pages take place on the road in California...not in a rundown motel. When we finally get to the motel, it disappears and we are now in a paddock?
I’m lost. We are outside in a paddock where we hear crickets and now we are in what I assume is the motel’s reception?
You should also mention each character by name in every new scene instead of just he.
Page 4. Mark must be really really stupid for a lawyer, if he asks if they have any deluxe rooms in this place.
Page 5. You’re blowing it again by adding a club type place filled with people in suits and whores and drug dealers. This is supposed to be micro budget!
Page 6. Some funny lines.
Again, you’re not keeping the micro budget in mind with the angelic room with the cloud like bed.
Finished this one. Although it was written well, I felt you really missed the mark for the OWC. You ignored the micro budget by having scenes taking place far away from a rundown motel. You did not have 10 - 12 pages. You have a huge cast with tons of extras. There was not one single likable character here except for Matthew, but he’s just a minor character whom the story is not about.
In short, I liked your writing, but was not crazy about the story. I would have liked to see this play out at the motel only and also go on a little longer.
It seems to be written by someone who's familiar with writing but not screenwriting. Too many formatting and structural mistakes. That's not the problem here, just an observation. While I'm at it, don't have characters talking to themselves, it's cheesy and bad writing.
It's not the worst I've read, there are a couple I didn't even bother to comment on, but it's near the bottom for me. At least you show some potential, you just need a real story to write and more practice with format and structure.
In the southern hemisphere, a Hurricane is called a Cyclone. The only difference (don't quote me on this) is the wind travels in different directions. Clock-wise for one hemisphere, anti-clockwise for the other.
I'm glad you said that, because otherwise I'd have to rely on Wikipedia haha.
I'm going to stick up for the writer here, as I really see writing from a person who knows what they're doing. I don't think the problem with this screenplay comes down to experience. In terms of format, it's flawless... The structure needs a little help, maybe, but it's honestly not that bad.
Yes, the story has it's issue and no it's not my favourite, but I think you guys are hitting this script hard for all the wrong reasons.
skimmed this one because you didn't follow the requirements of the OWC. we start off in a moving vehicle.
anyways, what really offends me is the thinly disguised religious themes. lawyers don't make it into heaven, jess as jesus (complete with curly brown hair), matthew and mark. these elements are no where close to clever because one can figure it out so easily.
and then we have the ending. god almighty (excuse the pun). a dream sequence? no. just no.
but I think you guys are hitting this script hard for all the wrong reasons.
You must know the author, Dan. I have a pretty good idea myself.
I can't speak for the others but I personally "hit this script hard" if you can call it that, for exactly the right reasons. Ending a story with "it was all a dream" is never good, IMO. It's just downright lazy. Sorry, but that's just the way I see it.
Remember this is a OWC and there are going to be a few harsh reviews around... it comes with the territory.
I can't speak for the others but I personally "hit this script hard" if you can call it that, for exactly the right reasons. Ending a story with "it was all a dream" is never good, IMO. It's just downright lazy.
I'm not saying that your opinions about the story is wrong. I made similar comments about the apparent dream sequence ending and I honestly do agree with you, Steve.
I just think people have butchered this for the writing which is apparently formatted incorrectly. I'm sorry, but I honestly believe that the writing is really good, here.
Then again, that is my opinion and people are definitely entitled to their own
BMW, might push the micro budget up. Same applies to the cat.
At 2 Pages the setup is taking a little too long. You could easily start this at the Motel.
Motel has changed to Hotel. Doesn't really fit in with the run down abandoned Motel the challenge called for.
The line about Carol's, amusing.
This was leaning towards a morality tale, but the ending just ruined it. There was the idea of a story lost in lots of filler pages at the start. Needs to be fleshed out more to have any impact.
Left or Right by - An eccentric lawyer takes refuge from a hurricane in an unusual beat-up hotel. His perception of good and evil is distorted, as everything is not as it seems. Brief - Man searches the business strip for a MOtel, finds quizzical HOtel instead
Locations & Sets - Interior, car @ night. Exterior, light business strip @ night. Exterior, motel parking lot. Exterior, paddock @ night. Exterior, motel breezeway @ night Actors - MARK (42), WOMAN (70), JESS (37) Costumes - suit + tie, shoes for ruin, Amish clothes outfit, Props - cigarette pack + lighter, street sign x2, paper map, motel sign, pothole water, Merry Christmas sign, PEARLY GATES RECEPTION sign, business card, stamp, form paper, HEAVEN arrow left + HELL arrow right signs Audio FX - public domain radio music, rain on car, radio severe weather announcement V.O., car security beep, heavy stamp on paper Visual FX - Other - heavy rain effect while driving, street sign post + installation & removal, black cat + animal wrangler, find or create pothole, water container for wet shoe gag, Genre & Marketability - Comments - Critics are going to murder you over all of these -ly adjectives sprinkled with -ing adverbs. (First page alone: balding, partially, suddenly, & partially.) I don’t care, but recognize that others do, FWIW. No animals allowed; delete. And delete the hunting for an open motel part, as well. by pg3 I can already tell the budget for this is outta control before anything meaningful has happened. I’m just reading for story at this point, rather than for meaningful analysis. Gareth Edwards would love building all of these signs in Photoshop and installing them into AAE. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. HELL stamp is funny. HOtels have HALLways. MOtels have outside breeze/walkways. WTF happened to the microbudget on pg5? Seriously. I’m stopping here. Custom signs all over the place, elderly Amish women and black cats in the road at night for a moment each, and a room which “resembles a night club, colored flashing disco lights, fog, people crowded together dancing, music blaring. Men in suits, prostitutes and drug dealers fill the room ” are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced. Script format: needs work. Final word: follow directions
$8,000 - $10,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / 6.5 Screenplay Pages = $1,231 - $1,538 Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Odd but interesting character(s) - fuckit. if the writer doesn’t care then I won’t. take refuge from a hurricane - in a beat-up motel - and are forced to make a choice - between good or evil - in order to survive the night. - Each character must - have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - that factors into their choice. - Genre is open. - This is a micro-budget short, - so no destruction of the motel, - no children or animals - and minimal special effects. - BONUS! Story also included: mime(s) - dinosaur(s) -
I'm definitely in the camp that likes this one. You've got a lot of nice visuals in your opening couple of pages and it's very witty.
I'm getting to the end of my critiques so it's nice to come across another that I enjoyed reading.
Comments as I go: I chuckled at the Pearl reference at the start.
The Hotel (yep, it should be a motel) disappears - nice one, now you've got me reading on.
The 'kind or evil' line didn't read right to me - shoulda' been 'good or evil' but I'm nitpicking.
'I'll take heaven' - 'That's for me to decide' - nice dialogue.
Important point: Did you mean to write: 'Carols' cause it should be Carol's (possessive) and that would have made the delivery of that comic line hit the mark. I expect it's a typo... as it is at the mo', it reads as Christmas songs. This is when it's crucial to proof read for the sake of a comic line but I expect the deadline may have been looming.
And now the whole Hell to the left, Heaven to the right - I chuckled again. Ah, and the whole Lawyers going to hell thing... hmm, but once again good visuals here with them dancing.
"A solitude white..." do you mean some other adjective like "solemn" even though that wouldn't quite fit either? That description line def. needs rejigging.
And now, a nice little boom tish! ending about what it's like to 'go to hell'.
Your ending unfortunately kind of turns this whole thing into a skit and defeats the purpose of what was otherwise a nice little set up. I was going to say I would have preferred if this went on to echo it's sinister beginnings but I got enough chuckles out of this and really enjoyed your visuals.
A good story overall, and it entertained me. And that's the main thing. Other picky bits of formatting grammar and punctuation can be fixed.
One of the better ones imho, even if it doesn't meet strictly every stipulation... I don't think in the end he had a choice of choosing did he?
In the southern hemisphere, a Hurricane is called a Cyclone. The only difference (don't quote me on this) is the wind travels in different directions. Clock-wise for one hemisphere, anti-clockwise for the other.
As this is set in California, yeah it probably should be referred to as a hurricane, instead.
In the Indian and Pacific oceans a Hurricane is called a Cyclone. In the southern hemisphere it's technically called an anti-cyclone because of the reverse wind directions. However, this does get shortened by the locals to cyclone.
I thought this script was a cute idea. The writing was ok but I didn't like the ending and thought that could use some improvement. Mostly because it wasn't foreshadowed - but even if it was foreshadowed I'm not sure I'd like it. Would like this to resolve differently.
Good job on getting a script together for the OWC, however.
In the Indian and Pacific oceans a Hurricane is called a Cyclone. In the southern hemisphere it's technically called an anti-cyclone because of the reverse wind directions. However, this does get shortened by the locals to cyclone.
Just as i thought the story was just getting started, it ended. It almost felt like the whole script was just for a single punch line at the end, 6 pages for a one liner. Perhaps you ran out of time.
I was enjoying this until it abruptly ended. Found Marks reactions unnatural, accepts the whole heaven and hell thing very quickly. Why the old lady at the beginning? She's his mum?
Felt like this started as one thing, and ended as another.
Eh. This one didn't do anything to rock my world. And at 200 mph, it should have!
I am really curious about the Amish woman who appears and disappears. Literally, disappears from the script and never shows up again or is explained. I'm guessing it's his mom, and she's dead or something, and he comes across her on his way to the afterlife. But I'm not sure.
Maybe she was just there to meet the supernatural requirement of the challenge.
I've spent my life looking for a story that makes the whole "it was all a dream" thing work... And this ain't it.
Even in my dreams I don't remember an instance when I talked to myself. Especially at this frequency. He even has two identical lines on different pages.
I do like the fact that even hell is enjoyable for a guy with a wife like that, though.
Congrats on entering!
'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
It bothered me because California doesn’t get hurricanes, let alone 200mph winds. LOL.
I thought it was rather funny how you moved all lawyers into the hell portion of the motel. Clever. Hell certainly did seem lively though - music, dancing, boozing, lol, I’d choose that too!
What was with the Amish woman on the road? That seemed random - maybe you should’ve included a bit showing how exhausted Mark was to cause such a delusion? Just my opinion.
The ending was funny…a little abrupt but it works for this type of short.
Alex, Alex, Alex...I'm bummed. It appears you read and provided feedback on 3 or 4 entries, your own included in that weak total. And, you really tried to pump your own entry up.
That's not the way to go in an OWC. Sorry, bro, but IMO, that is very, very weak.
I for one will not be reading anymore of your scripts, until you understand the Quid Pro Quo mentality of what makes SS rock this world of ours.
I for one will not be reading anymore of your scripts, until you understand the Quid Pro Quo mentality of what makes SS rock this world of ours.
Jeff, Jeff, Jeff
I didn't try to pump it up I was trying to make a few things clear, without giving away that it was mine.
I think if no one commented on their own screenplays it would give away which ones belong to whom !!!!!
If you feel you don't want to read any of my screenplays in the future that's up to you !!!! I have a huge amount of friends on SS who are happy too.
Furthermore, the reason I didn't comment on many screenplays was because I really ended up extremely busy as work, not to mention, after hours, with my son in hospital.
The problem isn't that you commented on your own script. Everyone does - hopefully.
The problem is that you only commented on a couple others. I understand busy. I really do. But somehow, you found time to comment on your own script as well as some posts outside the OWC, but few others inside the OWC. It really makes no sense, and the reality is that we all had so much extra time this go'round.
You owe an awful lot of people reads, bud. An awful lot.
Dan, First of all. You need an EXT. scene after your INT. scene at the beginning of your story when Mark is driving. Please eliminate Mark drives a BMW along a dark deserted country road.
And then replace the sentence as the example below:
EXT. VEHICLE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
A BMW cruises along a dark deserted country road.
Now finish your narration with The rain pelts and so on.
Dan. What I see in your story is that Mark is experiencing some what of a semi - twilight zone situation. I also like the way you put in narration when we meet Jess. you are explaining to us in a twilight zone type of manner to get us into the story.
Dan, First of all. You need an EXT. scene after your INT. scene at the beginning of your story when Mark is driving. Please eliminate Mark drives a BMW along a dark deserted country road.
And then replace the sentence as the example below:
EXT. VEHICLE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
A BMW cruises along a dark deserted country road.
Now finish your narration with The rain pelts and so on.
Dan. What I see in your story is that Mark is experiencing some what of a semi - twilight zone situation. I also like the way you put in narration when we meet Jess. you are explaining to us in a twilight zone type of manner to get us into the story.
I like your story. Good job.
Darryl
Dan Lastly, If you could eliminate all profanity words, You will have a clean Twilight Short Script.
Dan Lastly, If you could eliminate all profanity words, You will have a clean Twilight Short Script.
One more final suggestion. On page on at the beginning of your story, You could show us the radio station numbers upon the dash board as Mark tune into the station of his choice for example. The radio dial reads: "1410 AM."
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Left or Right - 10/12 OWC
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