Well, this just took a turn...

Quoted from Forgive You need to be careful writing this kind of stuff. ...

Si, I don't know you and all due respect, but writing and controversy kinda go hand in hand. JMHO.

Now, onto the script. This was a difficult OWC and the writer here has definitely come up with something ambitious and inventive.

A few awkward descriptions throughout which I might suggest were due to time constraints, particularly re the rape scene - (hey, sex/rape scenes are hard to depict) but overall I like this because it's a unique offering.

Good job for bringing something different to the challenge.

Yeah, sorry to repeat...

Well done for ambitious attempt of the bible story at the run down inn. I like the aim.

A few holes as mentioned above, and lets be honest, a major push of the rules of this competition - eg a beach, but something different and that's worth applauding.

Wasn't quite there for me.

I understood the story - the rape scene was a bit much though but I understand you wanted to show (and visually) that she was a virgin.

Dont know how it fits in the parameters of the competition - i mean who has the powers in your story and how this powers advance the story.

Maybe Pollock is a biblical figure as well? In this case im not familiar with it - my fault then)

Yikes.  Not to burst your bubble here but even if he was conceived by "immaculate conception" I do believe giving birth would have ummm...blown out her "lady area" enough to where she wouldn't bleed.  

Interesting idea for this challenge though.  

*Spoilers*

This one?  Mixed feelings.

Tight, competantly written - I give you credits on all those points.  The story itself - obviously disturbing one particularly sickening plot turn.  Which - mind you - I'm fine with sick...it's just that it seemed a bit gratuitous.  (Violence in service of the story, fine.  But throwing in a rape that isn't integral to story?  Not so much.)

Somethings just...  didn't scan.  The Beach in Texas?  (Huh?)  Then Maria's reaction - she doesn't do a single thing to save her son...just cowers in the corner like a wet dish rag.  Too passive, IMHO, even for a woman of peace.  I actually found myself flipping back in the story to see if she was handicapped in any way to explain that she didn't intercede. And then - why did the junkie just walk off into the water?  One weird moment, and he sees God?  (For Chr*st sakes - pun intended - he could've just been her adopted son!)

Mind you, I liked the allegory you were reaching for.  But the logic of why everyone was where they were didn't work.  Why then, what was the overall reason?  Random cooincidence just isn't satisfying to me.  It's got well written prose here - the story itself has the potential to be better.

BTW - I agree with other posters here.  If it was immaculate conception, the birth process would've - um - taken care of the evidence....

Cheers,

--J (W)

Page 1. For a micro budget, it’s best not to mention a specific place like ocean and Texas. It won’t matter unless that’s crucial to the story.

Page 2. I thought it was a bit odd how Christopher squeezes Fisher’s knee and Fisher doesn’t mind or says anything about it. I know plenty of guys who wouldn’t want a stranger squeezing their knee...

Page 3. Joseph and Maria...... and Christ? Let me guess, Fisher will be walking again before this story is over.

Page 5. What is Maria doing while Pollock fights with Christopher. She’s his mother. I doubt she would just be sitting there watching, but if she is, you should tell us. Right ow it’s if she’s not even there.

Page 6. So now this druggie is going to rape Maria after he killed Christopher. Where is this story going? This all seems to be happening for no reason. At least IMHO.

Do we really need to hear the wetness and moisture?

Page 7. Maria pulls her underwear down and sulks? Chose your words carefully...

Okay, so Pollock just killed Christ. I bet he feels bad...

Okay, so I was right about Fisher walking. I liked the idea of accidentally killing Christ, but your hints and clues were just way too obvious. I also wasn’t crazy about how you went about to get to the killing. It all felt just really yukky. Maybe because I was eating lunch while reading, the rape felt unfittingly gross for this story.

Good work for one week though.

Not bad, interesting choice to use an interpretation of Biblical events. I tripped over Pollock's realization because, frankly, I didn't know what the hell he just realized. Better if the audience is clued in before the character for more impact.

It's novel, but kind of gimmicky. Too much depended on the reader's knowledge of the Bible and figuring it out early enough. This probably would have been better if it were more obvious right from the start, it would have been more enjoyable throughout and the violence would have had a much greater impact. Instead, you rely on the reveal at the end to force a re-evaluation of everything that came before. Yes, the title is a strong hint but we can't take a title at face value.

Still, certainly one of the more creative entries, and memorable. This one's in the top half at least, probably top ten.

Wow.... Wasn't expecting this.... The story of Jesus based in a motel in Texas.... Is this the Prequel to the Passion of Christ..

Well you've got balls anyway so kudos for writing it....

I agree with Janet and Pia on his Mother sitting by doing nothing... that's her son she wouldn't sit and watch him get a beat to death..

Pollack is Pontius Pilate... Yes he asked the crowd who they should crucify.... But him personally beating Jesus to death... It's a different take.

And it did read well, it kept me intrigued...

Mark

Congrats on finishing the OWC!

I'm very surprised JC didn't use any of his super powers to save himself...again.
He's O and 2.

Unless he sent the hurricane to wipe us out again, why was he here?  In Texas?

Seriously, it may offend some people to see such senseless violence aimed at JC and VM for no preordained reason.  Other than to show the decline of morality and overall evilness in the world.

Didn't have too much to do with the contest, but I hope you got whatever it was out of your system.

Thanks for playing.  Heathen.  

I liked it, no good versus evil but hardly any of the stories I've read so far have met all of the challenges. Good job in a weeks time and congrats on the OWC.

Nice idea with the bible reference, it was very different.  You shocked me with the rape scene but it made an strong visual impact.  Not sure it made all the requirements mind but others haven't either.

Actually, I liked this as it kept me interested throughout which some of the others haven't.

This script has the finesse of a rabid pitbull biting down on someone's scrotum.  There was nothing subtle to what happened.  And what the hell is:

Quoted Text Eventually, he hears wetness and moisture with every penetration.

??

You never need to be that descriptive.  Just mentioning thrusting is more than enough for the rape.

On a more positive note, your descriptions were pretty tight.  I guess that's something.


Phil


PS -- the guy in the wheelchair was Simon.

Different idea for the challenge. For the most part; well written, but this wasn't for me.

Picturing that kind of violence in the way it's depited here, I didn't like it, but that's just my feelings on it.

Non the less; good effort.

A very ambitious effort but this missed the mark for me overall. I don't have much to say on it really, the stories obvious and I can't be bothered looking to much into it. I can see why some wouldn't care for this one so it was a bold choice of story.

The writing was decent enough although the slugs were an issue.

One of more memorable ones for sure and like I say, ambitious but didn't do a lot for me.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve