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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Corpus Christi - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Corpus Christi - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4900 views)
dogglebe
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Now, onto the script. This was a difficult OWC and the writer here has definitely come up with something ambitious and inventive.


I'm going to disagree here.  While creating characters out of Biblical figures, the author didn't really use his idea to its potential.  All of the comparisons between Christopher/Maria and Jesus/Mary were the obvious ones.  

I got the impression that the author never read the Bible but, rather, got his information from watching movies about it.  Christopher did not come off as a Messiah character.  Where is the wisdom?  Where's the forgiveness?  Where're the quotes from scripture?

Christopher might as well be wearing a t-shirt that reads:  I'M SUPPOSED TO BE JESUS!

The same applies to Maria.  Except for the painfully obvious, there's nothing there.


Phil
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RayW
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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Corpus Christi by - A homeless man and his mother beg the owner of a lonely motel for shelter from an approaching storm.
Brief - Contemporary retelling of Jesus, his Mom, and Pontius Pilot.

Locations & Sets  -  Exterior, motel @ night. Interior, motel lobby @ night. Interior, motel room @ night
Actors  -  CHRISTOPHER JOSEPHS, 30's, MARIA JOSEPHS, 50's, KINGSTON FISHER, 40's, PARISH POLLOCK, 30's
Costumes  -  Christopher + Maria+ Parish’s outfits to ruin
Props  - desk bell, wheelchair, notebook, faux dusting of surfaces, lamp for destruction, liquid stage blood, 1x lumber pieces, hammer + box of nails, bed cover for ruin
Audio FX  -  howling wind, keys hitting floor, door slam, body slam crashes, soft and hard punches, ribs cracking, gasping for air, squishy sounds
Visual FX  -  
Other  - shop fan, windblown foliage debris, stunt pads for falls, plastic drop sheet to protect bed, night time outside rain effect around office
Genre & Marketability - supernatural drama and partial action
Comments  -  Don’t fabricate immaterial elements to the story such as hotel names and precise/limiting geographical features. Christopher picking glass mid-beating is rather ridiculous. Alright, bashing an actor’s head through a glass window is both dangerous and expensive; substitute some other sensible fight sequence. Interesting story. The violent rape will be a tough one to market. Script format: fine. Final word: Although all the elements for a contemporary parallel story are there, this is kinduva awkward approach to it.

$1,000 - $3,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.5 Screenplay Pages
= $  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - nope
between good or evil - nope
in order to survive the night. - nope
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - not really
that factors into their choice. - nope
Genre is open. - supernatural drama and partial action
This is a micro-budget short, - yep, with some work
so no destruction of the motel, - yep, with some work
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit



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mcornetto
Posted: October 26th, 2012, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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I think this is another script written by a newish screenwriter.  

The story itself is told in a  pretty heavy handed way (and if you take a look at a film that tells sort of the same story, Cool Hand Luke for instance, you will see why).  The characters and the dialogue here are underdeveloped by comparison.  

It's obvious what this story is about because we are hit over the head with it - not because the layers of the story unfold into the recognized pattern.

Though it's hard to be subtle in a script, sometimes you need a bit of subtlety.  I think this is an example of one of those times.  

It was clever to use this idea for your OWC script and it has potential - but it still needs some work.  Try to tell the story without being so obvious about it.

Hope that helps.
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nawazm11
Posted: October 27th, 2012, 5:47am Report to Moderator
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Not bad, pretty good in fact.

I really enjoyed that twist at the ending, thought it was done really well. The dialogue could've been a tad better but I'm not going to pick on it much.

For a week's effort, this was a good piece of work. It was simple and got to the point.

Although some people may get butthurt the rape of Maria. Jk , all in good fun.

My grade: B. Good job.
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