The walls of Jericho fell down, hence the term 'Jerry built' for something badly constructed.

I think this could with a bit of a re-write but I guess you might have pushed with time restrictions.  There was a lot of dialogue and perhaps too much.  I don't mine a dialogue driven script but sometimes this came across as waffle and I'll hold my hands up and say I hate the whole 'don't you remember me' thing.

I did like the Jericho storyline and how the storm was hitting New Orleans.  I think you put a lot of thought an effort in to this.  Not a bad effort at all.

As it started I thought i wasn't going to like this but, as soon as the the woman smashed the coffee cup and the back story started to appear it pulled me in.

On balance too much and too heavy on the dialogue, but many will be that way.

I felt the story was in essence a deeply personal revenge story, a woman tacking down the man who ruined her life/face, with a touch of kidnap thrown in, so it was then a bit off putting to see this tied into magic creating the storm, almost de personalised it for me.

Nice effort.

Very nice. A little lengthy in the dialogue at times but it still met all of the challenges. Job well done and congrats on the OWC.

Another well written script....It had me intrigued until the end and I liked how you left the priest to drown and suffer instead of the knife..

The story was very good... A few spelling mistakes but I enjoyed it.

Mark

I really liked it, a very colourful read. Plenty of cultural info - very nice, and I think it must be from someone who is native to that culture.

Lots of twists to keepme interested - first she's he girl from her story, then inuagua is dead in a bathtub, then we do a full round nd come back o Jericho - which I think is wonderful turn.

There weresome visuals to help the sory as well. As for the production - few inches of water in the house... Dont know about that...

"nowhere" is one word probably but better check.

Very nice!

As for the dialogue, there was a lot, but at least the story came across clearly. I was a little confused at the beginning. First, the accents. Joshua had one, but Ababuo never officially had one. While her name's all over the script, it's actually much later that a character says her name. Another point of confusion was the location. With Joshua's accent and Ababuo's name, I thought this was taking place in South Africa or something, but then Joshua mentions the Americas.

The Katrina tie-in is good. Kind of felt like a Twilight Zone twist. However, I'm not sure how an inyanga would go along with doing black magic against his will. If that were me, I would perform an obscure black magic spell that saw Joshua was visited by some sort of disease before we left Africa. Or performed white magic to change his heart. I don't know. Doesn't hold much water.

Despite these problems, it was good. I got the 'sound' of the dialogue. Thought it was original, even on the nose. I don't think it's the greatest script I've ever read--far from it--but it's too entertaining not to watch. If Twilight Zone were still going, this would be PERFECT with a little work.

Pretty good. I liked the use of New Orleans and the levee break. It was a talky script, but these almost all are this challenge.

Can't say I was a fan of the "lightbulb" going off in Ababuo's head. Those moments where characters miraculously figure out the plot on their own never do it for me.

But, you hit the parameters. Good solid super natural back story here, A clear choice was made and it was micro budget. Overall, one of the better entries.

Good job completing the OWC.

James

I think this script stayed within the guidelines of the challenge.  And whilst it was a bit heavy in the dialogue department - that can always be edited.   It was written quite well, surprisingly well for a week.   I really liked this one.

Great job on your OWC script.

I like the opening here, I almost felt cold and wet just reading it.

The use of certain words give this a unique tone and date it in a manner that sets it apart from the others. Words like, 'siding', 'hymnal' (had to look up hymnal) and even 'harlot'.

Format quibbles: You can turn off CONTINUED in your software, most people know how to scroll, click or flip a page.

A few typos such as - Page 2: 'You cannot stay here. For you are a harlet' - should be 'harlot', and cofee - 'coffee', . . . like the drink only, not spelled the same.

I find it odd that a man sworn to God doesn't have enough compassion to allow ABABUO to enter. Besides, there is hardly a tattoo on her forehead saying she is a prostitute.

Need some clarity here - Page 7: 'Joshua’s grow as wide as dinner plates.' eyes, I assume.

The sudden change of direction, Ababuo revealing herself as his daughter, is your story idea. It's execution however needs more. There should be some tension beforehand. The dialouge about Jericho, didn't serve that. There was no subtext in any of the exchanges that hinted at anything deeper.

Suspense always trumps surprise.

Page 10: A lightbulb goes off in Ababuo’s head. - might ramp the micro budget up.

So the Jericho story was to explain what Joshua was using the black magic for and why? Not really necessary in my opinion. One or two carefully chosen line(s) would suffice for that.

I liked Joshua's character. His evil was a twisted delusion that he was carrying out God's will, when it reality it was a justification of his own action through religious means.

Ababuo was innocent party here and the really spiritually good person. Both had shades of grey. Her evils were forced upon her, born out of circumstance. Her line at the end was too Batman Begins.

The ending was a bit flat for me. With a bit of work this could be an interesting read.

Jericho by - A priest and a harlot take refuge in a desolate motel.
Brief - A pagan woman captures a Christian man to secure the return of her religious leader.

Locations & Sets  -  Exterior, motel @ night. Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, motel bathroom.
Actors  - JOSHUA (50’s), ABABUO (1, INYANGA (50)
Costumes  - clergy outfit, thick glasses, prostitute’s outfit
Props  -  motel sign for destruction, Gideon Bible, plastic bags, heavy face scarring prosthetic, white eye contacts, blankets, coffee mug x2, electric coffee maker + pot, rope bindings, chair, flashlight, rusty knife, replacement bathroom door, neck gash prosthetic, gallons of liquid stage blood
Audio FX  - hurricane winds, Hymnal music, door knocks, rain patter, door bang, flies buzzing, thunder boom, siren blasts
Visual FX  - motel destruction bits, shattered coffee pot effect, flies buzzing
Other  -  nighttime heavy rain effect, shop fan, make up artist, set aside for wall damage during door kick, bathroom clean up, several inches of water pouring into doorway
Genre & Marketability - thriller suspense drama
Comments  -  I’d eliminate that expensive sign destruction element. Peeks, not peaks. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. That final shot of water pouring into the motel room is going to cause a lot of damage. Water in large quantities is a giant PITA to work with. Would probably delete that image entirely to be replaced with a verbal “the flood waters are coming” sort of workaround. Good use of essentially a single location. Script format: fine. Final word: missable story is not interesting enough to justify production expense.

$1,000 - $3,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 11 Screenplay Pages
= $91 - $273  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - Ababuo is, Joshua and Inyanga are not
take refuge from a hurricane - yep
in a beat-up motel - yep
and are forced to make a choice - not really, they choose to make a choice
between good or evil - nope
in order to survive the night. - nope
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep
that factors into their choice. - yep
Genre is open. - thriller suspense drama
This is a micro-budget short, - yep
so no destruction of the motel, - if that room flooding part can be skipped then yep
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

Too much dialogue that's filled with even more exposition. It feels like you're "telling" me a story which is fine in script form but when produced, you'll die of boredom.

You should really cut some of the dialogue out and make it flow more naturally, I just kept rolling my eyes each time somebody revealed something. I'd blame the guidelines but I dunno, it just feels like your intend was for the story to be told this way.

Make it visual and flow better and you could have something. As it sits now, it doesn't work for me.

My grade: D+ but take that lightly.

Congrats for finishing the OWC!

Like some other reviewers, I thought the dialogue went on and on.  
It felt like I was tied to the chair and I couldn't get away.

You did however accomplish a lot in a week or less.  

I believe once you are free of the contest constraints and open the script up to include flashbacks, etc., your script will read much easier.  

Good effort.

I didn't get into this at the start, but as it went on I felt it flowed better. Liked the meaning behind her vision and it changing to being cloudy. Also liked the ending on this more than most.

Good job.

Using New Orleans as a modern day Jericho was an interesting idea, though the comparison seemed too literal for me.  I think any other natural disaster would've worked better as the reader gets beaned in the head with this revelating point.

The dialog, IMHO, needs a lot of work.  People don't give every bit of information in everything  they say when they talk casually.  Example:

Quoted Text     ABABUO Would you like a refill?     JOSHUA No thank you. If I have any more I won’t be able to fall asleep.

Just saying, 'no thank you,' would've been more natural.

If you cut the dialog down, and made it more natural, this script would be about half the length it is now.

I thought it was funny how Joshua justified the killing of children.  Doesn't it say somewhere in the Bible that people shouldn't be punished for the sins of the parents (or aomething like)?  I don't want to start a religious argument, but this just doesn't sound right.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Very rich story, Will! Didn't know it was yours - I loved it.